Problem teenager in the house.
Discussion
Can i ask your advice / opinions in the matter below:
I'm married, have an 8 month old baby with my wife, and she has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship.
We also have a teenage boy (16) who we both have parental responsibility for - he was my ex's son and after she went off the rails with drink and drugs, social services placed him in our care and we obtained a child arrangement order for him.
He is going through what I think is normal teenage behaviour, leaving mess around the house, eating any food that is left within reach regardless of who it's for, not contributing in any way to help the family when it comes to doing chores. This has been going on for months, and no amount of talking or asking will change the behaviour.
In the past year he has become verbally abusive to us both, he has tried to push me out of the way mid-argument but due to me being powerfully built (quite fat) it didn't get very far.
Now I realise, that some of this is perfectly normal, but it's the shouting, abuse and swearing, particularly towards my wife within earshot of a baby that's really bothering me. He's told us both to f
k off, shut up, get lost etc. He doesn't care if he comes back from being out with his friends and leaves the front door wide open all night, leaves the garage door open all night when he's put his bike away, and in the past few weeks his attendance at school (A levels) has been non-existent. We've tried to give him all the opportunities he wouldn't have if he was still with his mum, lots of love, a decent school, nice family holidays, decent bedroom, and no shortage of new clothes.
Talking gets us nowhere, as soon as he hears something he doesn't want to he will storm out, I don't suspect drink or drugs as I've seen no evidence of this.
I'm genuinely concerned about his behaviour, what's causing it, and the effect it's having on others in the family. As far as I can see, our options are:
Put up with it
Ship him off to live with his mum again
Rent a room for him in a house-share and make him someone else's problem
Boot him out and let him sort it out himself
Speak to social services about it (I'm pretty sure they've washed their hands of this case now).
Any other options I've missed?
I'm married, have an 8 month old baby with my wife, and she has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship.
We also have a teenage boy (16) who we both have parental responsibility for - he was my ex's son and after she went off the rails with drink and drugs, social services placed him in our care and we obtained a child arrangement order for him.
He is going through what I think is normal teenage behaviour, leaving mess around the house, eating any food that is left within reach regardless of who it's for, not contributing in any way to help the family when it comes to doing chores. This has been going on for months, and no amount of talking or asking will change the behaviour.
In the past year he has become verbally abusive to us both, he has tried to push me out of the way mid-argument but due to me being powerfully built (quite fat) it didn't get very far.
Now I realise, that some of this is perfectly normal, but it's the shouting, abuse and swearing, particularly towards my wife within earshot of a baby that's really bothering me. He's told us both to f
k off, shut up, get lost etc. He doesn't care if he comes back from being out with his friends and leaves the front door wide open all night, leaves the garage door open all night when he's put his bike away, and in the past few weeks his attendance at school (A levels) has been non-existent. We've tried to give him all the opportunities he wouldn't have if he was still with his mum, lots of love, a decent school, nice family holidays, decent bedroom, and no shortage of new clothes.Talking gets us nowhere, as soon as he hears something he doesn't want to he will storm out, I don't suspect drink or drugs as I've seen no evidence of this.
I'm genuinely concerned about his behaviour, what's causing it, and the effect it's having on others in the family. As far as I can see, our options are:
Put up with it
Ship him off to live with his mum again
Rent a room for him in a house-share and make him someone else's problem
Boot him out and let him sort it out himself
Speak to social services about it (I'm pretty sure they've washed their hands of this case now).
Any other options I've missed?
Edited by SlimRick on Tuesday 28th March 15:33
I'd put up with it , unpleasant as it is. It's a phase hopefully and he's obviously got problems re his mum, so kicking him out wouldn't help and probably reinforce his behaviour. Any confrontation just makes it worse.
Speak to his School and Social Services. I've found both to be surprisingly helpful and supportive in our different but difficult situation.
Speak to his School and Social Services. I've found both to be surprisingly helpful and supportive in our different but difficult situation.
Shakermaker said:
He is your ex's son - but does this mean you are his father or is that someone else? Apologies your post doesn't quite make that point clear.
Sorry, to clarify, I'm not his father. His biological father left shortly after he was born. I met his mum when he was 3 so I've been around him a lot. I left his mum when he was 11 and by 12 Social Services had removed him from his mum and asked me if I could take him in. He's been with us for 4 years.Just an obvious question...any issues with substances? Common one we deal with that creates mood swings are 'legal' highs from vap e-cigs. Some decent lads have turned into nightmares and throwing the GCSes out of the window...most of the parents had no idea as they don't smell of cigarettes.
Is his mum now in a fit state to look after him?
If yes then she should, at least part time. If not then he's your responsibility. You can't just wash your hands of him when the going gets tough.
I appreciate you have other pulls on your time but do you spend enough time with him? How about some serious male bonding over one of his hobbies or interests and them let him know his behaviour cant carry on as its affecting the other members of the family?
If yes then she should, at least part time. If not then he's your responsibility. You can't just wash your hands of him when the going gets tough.
I appreciate you have other pulls on your time but do you spend enough time with him? How about some serious male bonding over one of his hobbies or interests and them let him know his behaviour cant carry on as its affecting the other members of the family?
AndrewEH1 said:
Go and speak to his teachers at school, without telling him you're doing this!
They might have a better idea about what is affecting him recently or have ideas of how to help.
I've spoken to his head of sixth form who can't shed any light on why things are this way. He sees the varying commitment to his lessons, and gets feedback from his teachers on his performance and effort. Over the past few months this has really dropped.They might have a better idea about what is affecting him recently or have ideas of how to help.
Christmassss said:
He sounds like a lost little boy. What are his thoughts on his mum and dad?
What have the school said?
He wants no contact with either of them. Both have tried but he will just ignore any efforts.What have the school said?
As far as I know, his mum is quite a bit better than she was, although I think she still drinks a lot.
Is there another adult in his life that he listens to? Someone needs to spell out to him that he's a selfish little prick and that you are looking out for him because of your kindness, not a legal necessity.
I would certainly be limiting access to internet until his behaviour improves. Easy enough to do by changing the router password.
I would certainly be limiting access to internet until his behaviour improves. Easy enough to do by changing the router password.
AndrewEH1 said:
Do you care for him like your other children? Would you adopt him? Perhaps the new baby has kicked this behaviour off?
He started calling me "dad" once he moved in, and he gets treated exactly the same as the others. We've looked at adoption, but his mum wouldn't support this and we'd need permission from both biological parents.I did wonder if the new baby had prompted this, but there were signs of this before we even knew the baby was on his way.
Well only you can decide what you will and won't put up with.
I would suggest a couple of "red lines"
One - I would not tolerate being told to FO, without there being consequences.
Two - Him treating you as servants, again not appropriate - needs to be some sanction. Just agree some sensible ground rules, frame it with him, that in the near future - he will be independent so he needs to learn some of these life skills, like locking up, clearing up as you go etc.
I suspect the new child is having some impact on you and your wife's tolerance for this behaviour, but how much time did you spend with him before the new on arrived, is it still similar or has your focus also shifted ?
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