So, I rode into the petrol station...
Discussion
..for the first time, full of confidence now and conscious of not wanting to make myself look like someone who really deserves to have L plates on..
I pulled in to the garage, got off the bike, then realised it would make things a tiny bit easier if I had gone the other side of the pump (bike was leaning away from pump you see - not a major problem of course, but easier with the angle helping me).I then removed the key from the bike, realised I couldn't put it in my jeans pocket very easily with my gloves on, nor could I bend my head down enough with my helmet on to see my jacket pockets very well (no way I was removing my helmet, it would have taken me too long!) so I removed my gloves and slipped the key into my jeans, after all, I didn't want to leave the key in the bike!.....I then retrieved the key again, as I needed it to open the fuel filler cap.Well played noob.I did this and put my gloves on the seat and the filler cap on the rear rack.The filler cap fell off of course and seemed to take on a life of its own and shot off across the forecourt, so I chased it, caught it and was quite glad that it stopped just short of going underneath a car which had just pulled in.Nothing would have shouted LEARNER more than the sight of me, laying on the floor, arm outstreched, trying to flick it out or get a grip on it with a fingernail...
I then proceeded to fill the bike and expecting it to take around 70 quid to fill (force of habbit with the car) I managed to get to around 9 quids worth and then squirted some fuel all over the tank as I checked the level.Great.I replaced the pump after getting £9.05 into the tank (and at least a quid on the oustide) and then had a fight with the fuel filler cap.Unbeknown to me, it just snaps back on, no key required, but I tried to do it with the key for a while before realising this anyway.Once I had realised this, I probably took on the appearance of someone with OCD as I checked the filler cap over and over and over to make sure it was on correctly.I had placed the key on top of my gloves at this point.I then started to walk towards the garage/shop to pay, but stopped half way across the forecourt, as I suddenly had visions of some drunk 'just been clubbin' type teenagers stealing my gloves for a laugh (it was around 1.00 in the morning btw).I walked back to the bike, got my gloves, decided I could now put them back on, but had forgotten that my black key was sitting on top of my black gloves...I shall come back to that in a moment....
I walked into the garage, got to the cashier, made a joke about the fact it only took just over 9 quid and that this was: "the most I could get in it mate!", he laughed, I laughed, he said: "well, that's nine pounds and five pence then" and I went to grab a tenner from my jeans pocket - the same pocket I couldn't get my key into due to lack of vision and due to my gloves....off come the gloves again then.The cashier laughed again and so did I, however, my laugh was one of frustration where as his was no doubt one which would later involve uploading the nights CCTV footage of me to youtube.I paid for the petrol, put my gloves back on as I walked back towards the bike and was glad it was all over and that I would now be back on my way...
Back on the bike now, check filler cap again, get comfy on bike, adjust mirror a little, pull gloves a little tighter, remind myself yet again which button is for horn and which is for indicators (too dark to see when on the road at night), flick up the stand, check neutral and I'm awa.....oh, hang on, no neutral light....Aha!! Need the key you doughnut! Oh crap, where the hell is the key?!! What the HELL did I do with the key?!! I feel suddenly very alone and vulnerable in the universe form some reason.I feel like the last person to leave a party when all the 'lift homes' have gone and I don't have cab fair."Get a grip man!" I say to myself, I am 38 ffs, I'm a stocky Mitchell Brother look-alike, let the nova and corsa clubbers laugh and point, I can take it.. Off the bike now... so many zips and pockets on my jacket, ones I can't see due to the helmet and ones I can't get into with my gloves on.Gloves off again now.I am starting to hate my gloves.A few days earlier I had a great relationship with them, now I wanted to throw them into the bushes, but I decide against this, calm myself and place them on the rear rack.I'm pocket checking now, each and every one, dozens of times, over and over.I can feel the 'OCD BIKER' youtube video being uploaded as I fumble around...
Despite my searching, I find nothing and I am now starting to panic.I decide to walk back towards the shop, in the hope I had left them on the counter.As I do so, I scan the forecourt floor and by pure chance, (read - thank f'ing Christ for that) I see the key sitting on the floor (and not yet run over).I had scooped it up with the gloves earlier without realising of course and simply dropped it as a result.I grab it and it feels like I have been given the key to the city! Back to the bike, key in, neutral light, start bike, small rev, stand is up, first gear selected, YES YES YES, GO GO GO, I can finally leave this nightmare behind!!!!!! ...Hang on, why do these levers feel cold to the touch? FFS WHERE THE f
k ARE MY fkING GLOVES?!!!!!.........
In next weeks instalment of 'how to look like a PROPER learner'...I try my hand at the wall of death.Anything has to be easier..
I pulled in to the garage, got off the bike, then realised it would make things a tiny bit easier if I had gone the other side of the pump (bike was leaning away from pump you see - not a major problem of course, but easier with the angle helping me).I then removed the key from the bike, realised I couldn't put it in my jeans pocket very easily with my gloves on, nor could I bend my head down enough with my helmet on to see my jacket pockets very well (no way I was removing my helmet, it would have taken me too long!) so I removed my gloves and slipped the key into my jeans, after all, I didn't want to leave the key in the bike!.....I then retrieved the key again, as I needed it to open the fuel filler cap.Well played noob.I did this and put my gloves on the seat and the filler cap on the rear rack.The filler cap fell off of course and seemed to take on a life of its own and shot off across the forecourt, so I chased it, caught it and was quite glad that it stopped just short of going underneath a car which had just pulled in.Nothing would have shouted LEARNER more than the sight of me, laying on the floor, arm outstreched, trying to flick it out or get a grip on it with a fingernail...
I then proceeded to fill the bike and expecting it to take around 70 quid to fill (force of habbit with the car) I managed to get to around 9 quids worth and then squirted some fuel all over the tank as I checked the level.Great.I replaced the pump after getting £9.05 into the tank (and at least a quid on the oustide) and then had a fight with the fuel filler cap.Unbeknown to me, it just snaps back on, no key required, but I tried to do it with the key for a while before realising this anyway.Once I had realised this, I probably took on the appearance of someone with OCD as I checked the filler cap over and over and over to make sure it was on correctly.I had placed the key on top of my gloves at this point.I then started to walk towards the garage/shop to pay, but stopped half way across the forecourt, as I suddenly had visions of some drunk 'just been clubbin' type teenagers stealing my gloves for a laugh (it was around 1.00 in the morning btw).I walked back to the bike, got my gloves, decided I could now put them back on, but had forgotten that my black key was sitting on top of my black gloves...I shall come back to that in a moment....
I walked into the garage, got to the cashier, made a joke about the fact it only took just over 9 quid and that this was: "the most I could get in it mate!", he laughed, I laughed, he said: "well, that's nine pounds and five pence then" and I went to grab a tenner from my jeans pocket - the same pocket I couldn't get my key into due to lack of vision and due to my gloves....off come the gloves again then.The cashier laughed again and so did I, however, my laugh was one of frustration where as his was no doubt one which would later involve uploading the nights CCTV footage of me to youtube.I paid for the petrol, put my gloves back on as I walked back towards the bike and was glad it was all over and that I would now be back on my way...
Back on the bike now, check filler cap again, get comfy on bike, adjust mirror a little, pull gloves a little tighter, remind myself yet again which button is for horn and which is for indicators (too dark to see when on the road at night), flick up the stand, check neutral and I'm awa.....oh, hang on, no neutral light....Aha!! Need the key you doughnut! Oh crap, where the hell is the key?!! What the HELL did I do with the key?!! I feel suddenly very alone and vulnerable in the universe form some reason.I feel like the last person to leave a party when all the 'lift homes' have gone and I don't have cab fair."Get a grip man!" I say to myself, I am 38 ffs, I'm a stocky Mitchell Brother look-alike, let the nova and corsa clubbers laugh and point, I can take it.. Off the bike now... so many zips and pockets on my jacket, ones I can't see due to the helmet and ones I can't get into with my gloves on.Gloves off again now.I am starting to hate my gloves.A few days earlier I had a great relationship with them, now I wanted to throw them into the bushes, but I decide against this, calm myself and place them on the rear rack.I'm pocket checking now, each and every one, dozens of times, over and over.I can feel the 'OCD BIKER' youtube video being uploaded as I fumble around...
Despite my searching, I find nothing and I am now starting to panic.I decide to walk back towards the shop, in the hope I had left them on the counter.As I do so, I scan the forecourt floor and by pure chance, (read - thank f'ing Christ for that) I see the key sitting on the floor (and not yet run over).I had scooped it up with the gloves earlier without realising of course and simply dropped it as a result.I grab it and it feels like I have been given the key to the city! Back to the bike, key in, neutral light, start bike, small rev, stand is up, first gear selected, YES YES YES, GO GO GO, I can finally leave this nightmare behind!!!!!! ...Hang on, why do these levers feel cold to the touch? FFS WHERE THE f
k ARE MY fkING GLOVES?!!!!!.........In next weeks instalment of 'how to look like a PROPER learner'...I try my hand at the wall of death.Anything has to be easier..
Edited by Digby on Monday 28th July 20:36
Felters said:
Pathetic. If you were really crap at this biking malarky you'd have filled it with diesel as well.
You did put petrol in didn't you?
The way things were going, to save further embarrassment, If I had filled it with diesel, I would have rolled it out of the garage making loud brum brum noises You did put petrol in didn't you?
I had a very very similar experience recently, except I was using pay at the pump and it took me so long faffing about clumsily that my session expired, ended up putting my gloves on and off 3 times, couldn't get the petrol cap off, took my helmet off when I needn't have, couldn't start the bike again afterward and had to stop 10metres down the road because I hadn't done the strap on my helmet up properly (needed to remove gloves AGAIN for this)!
Your not alone mate. It's not a million miles from my first fill up experience (though I didn't loose my keys I just put them in my pocket then had to remove my gloves to retrieve them after wondering why my bike wasn;t starting.) It was made far worse for me as some bloke in his fully kitted brand new BMW R1200 Adventure was waiting behind me. When I did get my key in the ignition I was keen to get going so pulled clutch in and fired her up... she wouldn't start... I'd left the sidestand down
That sorted, I gave the BMW dude a quick apologetic nod but he scowled at me something fierce and gesticulated something unpleasent. (Prat... all the adventure kit, complete alloy panniers the lot to ride around Northampton I bet that bike never even sniffs an adventure) I've since got into a routine at the pumps.
Just wait till you pop your leg down and find that someone has replaced the floor with ice, try holding a bike up with an outstretched leg slightly forwards of the bike, groin strain is your bedfellow the day that happens if you don't drop it 
.
I once stalled very close to home at school closing time and wondered why my horn kept going off as I tried to restart it, it's funny when your brain decides to dissappear for a bit, just not at the time.
Dave!
.I once stalled very close to home at school closing time and wondered why my horn kept going off as I tried to restart it, it's funny when your brain decides to dissappear for a bit, just not at the time.
Dave!
That's pretty funny Digby! I can sympathise with the key issues! I've left my key in my bike about 4 times now in the 4 weeks I've been riding! The worst was searching around in the morning for about half an hour, panicking where my key is, only to chance check the bike and it was left in the ignition, all night. My bike isn't locked up or anything either, 
Excellent post mate! We've all been there
Got it down to a slick operation now after much faffing over time. Pull up, stay sat on bike, stand down (just in case no pay @ pump), gloves off, key out, arm bike alarm, engage valet mode, open tank, card out and into pay & pump (if necessary), fill up, replace filler, (dismount to pay if necessary), key in ignition, stand up, gloves on, off we go!
Basically gloves are always the first and last thing you do.
Got it down to a slick operation now after much faffing over time. Pull up, stay sat on bike, stand down (just in case no pay @ pump), gloves off, key out, arm bike alarm, engage valet mode, open tank, card out and into pay & pump (if necessary), fill up, replace filler, (dismount to pay if necessary), key in ignition, stand up, gloves on, off we go!
Basically gloves are always the first and last thing you do.
Edited by hornetrider on Tuesday 29th July 11:20
Thanks for sharing those exploits with us Digby. Looking forward already to the next instalment.
Mind you- still not as bad as someone a mate of mine knows. Bit of a cocky sod-got a Y2000 Blade & was stood holding it up chatting to a mate & then just walked over to him.....forgetting he hadn't put sidestand down -ouch!
A little pointer -It's as well to always drop the stand at filling stn-BEFORE you even open the cap or remove gloves.
Edited by sprinter885 on Tuesday 29th July 12:15
Chilli said:
Rawwr said:
I stalled my bike at traffic lights yesterday. I wanted to kill myself.
Did you start looking down at the side of the bike, suggesting to any witnesses that there was a problem with the bike??!!I then blast off to show that the problem's solved.
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