Warning: This thread will not help you in anyway
Discussion
Some of you may recognise this thread from another site. I wrote it up over the year I rebuilt my engine but never wrote the last part, think of this as the directors cut with added extra gearbox goodness (my latest saga) 
. I would like to make it clear it is not to be taken seriously, but the pictures may help some of you, as the ones others have posted up on here helped me.
First let's set the scene. The year is 2009 AD, the age of steam is over and the age of fossil fuel has been promising warm summers, but has not been coming up with the goods. On a trip to Cornwall with the TVR club WWM chapter, I notice a slight tapping noise coming from my vodka fuelled ebay purchase whist doing 29.5 MPH round an island when leaving a petrol station to re-join the M5. We pick up the week after:
Day One
Hi everyone.
So it's the first day after the weekend before and I get a phone call:
'Alright Brov, dad said you blew the engine up. HA HA.'
'Yeah cheers Billy'
'Dad said you will need my winch, so you can leave the car at mine if you want.'
'I still have not decided if I am going to send it off for repair'
'You had better not tell dad that, he has got the stethoscope out. I never heard him so happy!'
Let me explain:
Dad bought a 1975 911S in 1984. After he rebuilt the engine the first time, he was convinced he could hear a knocking noise. He went round to see his pals at Porsche Club Autos and made them listen to it. They told him that that is what they sound like. Not put off by this he got hold of a stethoscope, ripped the end off and replaced it with a piece of brake pipe so he could touch the metal of the engine and find the knocking. He then returned to see his pals. In the end they gave up and gave him an engine they had spare so he could replace the parts on his engine until he was happy.
He can still hear this knocking noise
They call him knocker at Porsche
He keeps the stethoscope in his briefcase he takes to work, just in case!
Back to tonight and I get another phone call:
'Alright Son, I will be over at yours at 7.30 Saturday so we can have a listen to the engine.'
'Dad I'm going out for a drink with Billy Friday night, 7.30 is a bit early!'
'Your right son, 8.00 it is then. Son you have made me so happy. Who would would have thought the idiot son would have given me an engine to play with so close to my retirement. Let's have a listen and see if the engine needs to come out and then we can get it over to mine.'
'Hang on Dad, it's my car, I though we would do it here. Dad, DAD, DAD!' He had already hung off
So it begins!
Andrew
While you are all down the Pub
Hi Everyone
You may remember me from 'He was with us at ASDA' and 'Why does that man smell of sick Mommy?'. Well while you are all enjoying yourselves at BZ today I was on day three of 'Dude, it is not supposted to sound like that!' and this is how I looked an hour ago:
That's right, it turns out to be a bit more than noisy tappets.
Let me give you a taster of the ramblethon that will follow this post once I have uploaded the photos.
Well it began on Saturday morning with the arrival of my father:
'So son what do you think has happened?'
'Well, I have been thinking about it and maybe a washer has fallen into the inlet port whilst I was putting the coil packs and new HT leads on and has ended up in the cylinder'
'Well the damage is done now, so fire her up and let us see which cylinder is noisy'
This is how that test pans out.
'OK son turn her over.......STOP!'
'Any ideas, exhaulted Father?'
'Good Lord son, did I send you to the Helen Keller AutoMotive Repair Academy? You can forget this washer nonsense, this puppy's coming out.'
'That sounds bad Pops'
'That, son, sound like an excellent project. What with me bored at home with nothing to do and you footing the bill, this can only get better for me, the worse it gets for you. Phone your brother and tell him to get over here with the winch, four acrows and a railway sleeper!'
So join me as I find out that colour matching boiler suits only leads to children throwing stones at you and calling you names:
As the chuckle brothers tell me why I should not buy anymore cars and that I should just go and make the tea:
And how Ruby releases her heart:
Andrew
Join me next time as we start to strip the engine
. I would like to make it clear it is not to be taken seriously, but the pictures may help some of you, as the ones others have posted up on here helped me.First let's set the scene. The year is 2009 AD, the age of steam is over and the age of fossil fuel has been promising warm summers, but has not been coming up with the goods. On a trip to Cornwall with the TVR club WWM chapter, I notice a slight tapping noise coming from my vodka fuelled ebay purchase whist doing 29.5 MPH round an island when leaving a petrol station to re-join the M5. We pick up the week after:
Day One
Hi everyone.
So it's the first day after the weekend before and I get a phone call:
'Alright Brov, dad said you blew the engine up. HA HA.'
'Yeah cheers Billy'
'Dad said you will need my winch, so you can leave the car at mine if you want.'
'I still have not decided if I am going to send it off for repair'
'You had better not tell dad that, he has got the stethoscope out. I never heard him so happy!'
Let me explain:
Dad bought a 1975 911S in 1984. After he rebuilt the engine the first time, he was convinced he could hear a knocking noise. He went round to see his pals at Porsche Club Autos and made them listen to it. They told him that that is what they sound like. Not put off by this he got hold of a stethoscope, ripped the end off and replaced it with a piece of brake pipe so he could touch the metal of the engine and find the knocking. He then returned to see his pals. In the end they gave up and gave him an engine they had spare so he could replace the parts on his engine until he was happy.
He can still hear this knocking noise
They call him knocker at Porsche
He keeps the stethoscope in his briefcase he takes to work, just in case!
Back to tonight and I get another phone call:
'Alright Son, I will be over at yours at 7.30 Saturday so we can have a listen to the engine.'
'Dad I'm going out for a drink with Billy Friday night, 7.30 is a bit early!'
'Your right son, 8.00 it is then. Son you have made me so happy. Who would would have thought the idiot son would have given me an engine to play with so close to my retirement. Let's have a listen and see if the engine needs to come out and then we can get it over to mine.'
'Hang on Dad, it's my car, I though we would do it here. Dad, DAD, DAD!' He had already hung off
So it begins!
Andrew
While you are all down the Pub
Hi Everyone
You may remember me from 'He was with us at ASDA' and 'Why does that man smell of sick Mommy?'. Well while you are all enjoying yourselves at BZ today I was on day three of 'Dude, it is not supposted to sound like that!' and this is how I looked an hour ago:
That's right, it turns out to be a bit more than noisy tappets.
Let me give you a taster of the ramblethon that will follow this post once I have uploaded the photos.
Well it began on Saturday morning with the arrival of my father:
'So son what do you think has happened?'
'Well, I have been thinking about it and maybe a washer has fallen into the inlet port whilst I was putting the coil packs and new HT leads on and has ended up in the cylinder'
'Well the damage is done now, so fire her up and let us see which cylinder is noisy'
This is how that test pans out.
'OK son turn her over.......STOP!'
'Any ideas, exhaulted Father?'
'Good Lord son, did I send you to the Helen Keller AutoMotive Repair Academy? You can forget this washer nonsense, this puppy's coming out.'
'That sounds bad Pops'
'That, son, sound like an excellent project. What with me bored at home with nothing to do and you footing the bill, this can only get better for me, the worse it gets for you. Phone your brother and tell him to get over here with the winch, four acrows and a railway sleeper!'
So join me as I find out that colour matching boiler suits only leads to children throwing stones at you and calling you names:
As the chuckle brothers tell me why I should not buy anymore cars and that I should just go and make the tea:
And how Ruby releases her heart:
Andrew
Join me next time as we start to strip the engine
Edited by APB_V8 on Wednesday 1st June 23:02
It is now coming up to the Autumn of 2009. I am stressing about my hairline, the fact that I am 40 early in 2010 and my mid-life crisis is in bits in the garage.
'Well dad, they do say that life begins at forty.'
'Not for you it doesn't!'
'What do you mean papa?
'
'Well, in my day you got married and banged out a few kids in your early twenties, so by the time you got to forty they had left home. Well that's the theory, I was not taking into account the fact that you decided to go to university till you were 32 like some form of money leech! Anyway you decided to leave it till your mid-thirties, your be luckly to get your life back till 2020'
Anyway.....
News Update
Hi Everyone
Well I have just got off the phone to Brov and the old man, AKA the chuckle brothers, and the calls went like this:
'Alright Brov, dad seemed happy this weekend'
'That he did'
'So as you have the engine out are you going to do a proper job and spray her up?'
'Yes, I was thinking gloss black to set off the red ancillaries'
'Well dad and I decided that it should be red to colour match the car. Also you should get it power coated as the spray job on it at the moment looks as if it was done in the YTS spray booth of shame!'
'Red? I don't remember discussing that!'
'No, we had sent you off to make us some tea and bacon sandwiches.'
'WTF!'
And then:
'Alright dad, thanks for all your help at the weekend'
'That's OK son, I enjoyed myself'
'Well I was thinking that as we have the engine out, we should take the body off and do the chassis.'
'Oh dear son. The body is a big job. All the steering, plumbing and electrics need to come off!'
'So you are saying, if it was you, you would not do it?'
'No, that's exactly what I would do! Look speak to your mother and think no more of this foolishness!'
Mother is on the phone for less than a minute!
'Give me that phone back I need to speak to the boy..... Right we get the body off, and can put the engine straight onto the chassis when we are finished'
Wife in background: 'YOUR NOT TAKING THE BODY OFF ANDREW!'
'Sorry Dad just had to shut the door, there seems to be some irritating noise in the background, mice I think'
'You had better get the money back off the Tax son, you're are going to need it!'
And so it goes on...........
Andrew
Ahhhhh........!
Hi everyone
Well what a day today has been.
'Morning son have you got the engine stand?'
'Yes I am building it now'
'Uncle John will be here soon with his hammer socket thing to help get the pulley bolt off.'
'Excellent papa, your clone is coming'
'Are you sure that crowbars are the sort of percission tool we should be using father?'
'Never question my authority in these matters son!'
'Oh dear!'
'Lets get her onto the stand so we can spin her around!'
'That's better son. this takes me back to the times that I had to take the engine out of the Porsche, looking for that knocking noise'
'I remember it well father, did you take it out many times?'
'More times than your mother and I made sweet, sweet love son'
'Well that conversation took a weird turn! But still how many times did you take it out?'
'Well there is you and your brother, so that would be three times'
'Wow, I don't think I could feel more uncomfortable right now Dad!'
Moving on quickly and we found that someone had already be playing with her!
'Well son, by the fact that most of your threads are falling out and the damage to this key, it looks as if this is not virgin territory!'
'This does not look good dad!'
'Never mind that, lets get this sump off!'
'Oh dear son, what is this?'
'That would be bits of metal out of the sump then Dad.'
'Nice to see that the money we spent on your education was not wasted then son! But where? What the...........'
'That does not look right dad!'
'HOLY SWEET JUMPING JEZUZ H KHRIST ON A BIKE SON WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!'
'That must be one of those laminated cranks that tend to snap in half, Dad.'
'LAMINATED CRANK! WHAT THEY MADE THESE ****ERS OUT OF LEGO!!!!'
'I think it was probably a cost cutting excercise!'
'COST CUTTING! MAY LUCIFER SPRAY HIS DARK SATANIC SEED UPON ALL HEATHEN BEAN COUNTERS!'
'I would tend to agree with you there pops!'
'Well what next dad?'
'We could salvage what we can, get a new crank, shells etc. But she will be unhappy!'
'How about a short engine, Dad?'
'How about a 4.5 short engine son?'
'Now your talking, papa'
So join me next time for: Ruby Trek III: The search for a 4.5 upgrade
'Well dad, they do say that life begins at forty.'
'Not for you it doesn't!
''What do you mean papa?
''Well, in my day you got married and banged out a few kids in your early twenties, so by the time you got to forty they had left home. Well that's the theory, I was not taking into account the fact that you decided to go to university till you were 32 like some form of money leech! Anyway you decided to leave it till your mid-thirties, your be luckly to get your life back till 2020
'Anyway.....
News Update
Hi Everyone
Well I have just got off the phone to Brov and the old man, AKA the chuckle brothers, and the calls went like this:
'Alright Brov, dad seemed happy this weekend'
'That he did'
'So as you have the engine out are you going to do a proper job and spray her up?'
'Yes, I was thinking gloss black to set off the red ancillaries'
'Well dad and I decided that it should be red to colour match the car. Also you should get it power coated as the spray job on it at the moment looks as if it was done in the YTS spray booth of shame!'
'Red? I don't remember discussing that!'
'No, we had sent you off to make us some tea and bacon sandwiches.'
'WTF!'
And then:
'Alright dad, thanks for all your help at the weekend'
'That's OK son, I enjoyed myself'
'Well I was thinking that as we have the engine out, we should take the body off and do the chassis.'
'Oh dear son. The body is a big job. All the steering, plumbing and electrics need to come off!'
'So you are saying, if it was you, you would not do it?'
'No, that's exactly what I would do! Look speak to your mother and think no more of this foolishness!'
Mother is on the phone for less than a minute!
'Give me that phone back I need to speak to the boy..... Right we get the body off, and can put the engine straight onto the chassis when we are finished'
Wife in background: 'YOUR NOT TAKING THE BODY OFF ANDREW!'
'Sorry Dad just had to shut the door, there seems to be some irritating noise in the background, mice I think
''You had better get the money back off the Tax son, you're are going to need it!
'And so it goes on...........
Andrew
Ahhhhh........!
Hi everyone
Well what a day today has been.
'Morning son have you got the engine stand?'
'Yes I am building it now'
'Uncle John will be here soon with his hammer socket thing to help get the pulley bolt off.'
'Excellent papa, your clone is coming
''Are you sure that crowbars are the sort of percission tool we should be using father?'
'Never question my authority in these matters son!'
'Oh dear!'
'Lets get her onto the stand so we can spin her around!'
'That's better son. this takes me back to the times that I had to take the engine out of the Porsche, looking for that knocking noise'
'I remember it well father, did you take it out many times?'
'More times than your mother and I made sweet, sweet love son'
'Well that conversation took a weird turn! But still how many times did you take it out?'
'Well there is you and your brother, so that would be three times'
'Wow, I don't think I could feel more uncomfortable right now Dad!'
Moving on quickly and we found that someone had already be playing with her!
'Well son, by the fact that most of your threads are falling out and the damage to this key, it looks as if this is not virgin territory!'
'This does not look good dad!'
'Never mind that, lets get this sump off!'
'Oh dear son, what is this?'
'That would be bits of metal out of the sump then Dad.'
'Nice to see that the money we spent on your education was not wasted then son! But where? What the...........'
'That does not look right dad!'
'HOLY SWEET JUMPING JEZUZ H KHRIST ON A BIKE SON WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!'
'That must be one of those laminated cranks that tend to snap in half, Dad.'
'LAMINATED CRANK! WHAT THEY MADE THESE ****ERS OUT OF LEGO!!!!'
'I think it was probably a cost cutting excercise!'
'COST CUTTING! MAY LUCIFER SPRAY HIS DARK SATANIC SEED UPON ALL HEATHEN BEAN COUNTERS!'
'I would tend to agree with you there pops!'
'Well what next dad?'
'We could salvage what we can, get a new crank, shells etc. But she will be unhappy!'
'How about a short engine, Dad?'
'How about a 4.5 short engine son?'
'Now your talking, papa
' So join me next time for: Ruby Trek III: The search for a 4.5 upgrade
Edited by APB_V8 on Thursday 2nd June 14:30
schimg said:
Quality Andrew....you write as you speak I can hear your tones 
Let's hope your latest chapter is sorted before the sun run, sure it will
be good to see you soon mate
Alright RobocopLet's hope your latest chapter is sorted before the sun run, sure it will
be good to see you soon mateI am going to add the things I missed out when I wrote this up last year, timing, putting the heads on and the all new bugg3r3d gearbox so keep an eye on this new improved version.
Great to see your back out and about, hopefully we will see you soon for a curry
Andrew
Hi Alex, Matt, Cliff and Mike
Hopefully this shall keep you amused for the next few weeks. I tend to spend about 4 hours to writing this idiot rambling up, followed by six hours of sorting the spelling out so bear with me.
Anyway avid readers, hopefully I shall post the next lot up tomorrow
Andrew
Hopefully this shall keep you amused for the next few weeks. I tend to spend about 4 hours to writing this idiot rambling up, followed by six hours of sorting the spelling out so bear with me.
Anyway avid readers, hopefully I shall post the next lot up tomorrow
Andrew
Edited by APB_V8 on Friday 3rd June 00:27
The Engine Fairy Cometh
Hi Everyone
Well what is it? I hear you call. Well the answer is.........
Ring Ring.
‘Hello’
‘Hi, it’s engines direct here about the TVR engine you enquired about’
‘ERRR?’
‘Yes, you made a web request for a TVR Cerbera V8 4.5 engine this weekend’
‘Did I?’ (Oh god, this is that thing I told my wife she was wasting her time on and should go away to leave me to feel sorry for myself!)
‘Yes, I have one here, we quoted £920’
‘REALLY, are you sure it is not a Rover V8’
‘It has TVR on the front of it’
‘Is it a 4.2 or a 4.5?’
‘Look, I don’t know. My mate said it was a 4.5. Let me send you some photos’
LATER
‘Well it is a AJP V8, but I’m not sure which it is as the top end is missing. Do you still have the car there?’
‘No, some lad had the engine to put in a Triumph Spitfire, but it didn’t happen. Look I'll let you have it for £800 including delivery. It can be with you tomorrow’
'Okay, I just need to make some phone calls to check the client is prepare to take the risk'
MOMENTS LATER
'Hi dad they want £800, what do you think?'
'WHY ARE YOU ON THE PHONE TO ME, YOU NEED TO BE TEARING IT FROM HIS DEAD LIFELESS HANDS!!!!!!!'
'Okey Dokey Daddy!'
LATER
‘Just making sure everything is OK for tomorrow’
‘What’s that?’
‘The TVR engine’
‘That’s been picked up already and is on it’s way!’
‘God bless you’
What is it? Well, the answer is: Bu**ered if I know until we strip her down
Andrew
Can you spot what it is? Answers on a postcard to: Why do I not get invited to parties street, 'I live with my mom and cry a lot'-ville', CV1
Hi Everyone
Well what is it? I hear you call. Well the answer is.........
Ring Ring.
‘Hello’
‘Hi, it’s engines direct here about the TVR engine you enquired about’
‘ERRR?’
‘Yes, you made a web request for a TVR Cerbera V8 4.5 engine this weekend’
‘Did I?’ (Oh god, this is that thing I told my wife she was wasting her time on and should go away to leave me to feel sorry for myself!)
‘Yes, I have one here, we quoted £920’
‘REALLY, are you sure it is not a Rover V8’
‘It has TVR on the front of it’
‘Is it a 4.2 or a 4.5?’
‘Look, I don’t know. My mate said it was a 4.5. Let me send you some photos’
LATER
‘Well it is a AJP V8, but I’m not sure which it is as the top end is missing. Do you still have the car there?’
‘No, some lad had the engine to put in a Triumph Spitfire, but it didn’t happen. Look I'll let you have it for £800 including delivery. It can be with you tomorrow’
'Okay, I just need to make some phone calls to check the client is prepare to take the risk'
MOMENTS LATER
'Hi dad they want £800, what do you think?'
'WHY ARE YOU ON THE PHONE TO ME, YOU NEED TO BE TEARING IT FROM HIS DEAD LIFELESS HANDS!!!!!!!'
'Okey Dokey Daddy!'
LATER
‘Just making sure everything is OK for tomorrow’
‘What’s that?’
‘The TVR engine’
‘That’s been picked up already and is on it’s way!’
‘God bless you’
What is it? Well, the answer is: Bu**ered if I know until we strip her down
Andrew
Can you spot what it is? Answers on a postcard to: Why do I not get invited to parties street, 'I live with my mom and cry a lot'-ville', CV1
APB_V8 said:
Alright Robocop
I am going to add the things I missed out when I wrote this up last year, timing, putting the heads on and the all new bugg3r3d gearbox so keep an eye on this new improved version.
Great to see your back out and about, hopefully we will see you soon for a curry
Andrew
Robocop indeed, anyways this will be a great thread to follow young man, as for the curry, be good to sort something....what's this kingfisher stuff about is it medicinal?I am going to add the things I missed out when I wrote this up last year, timing, putting the heads on and the all new bugg3r3d gearbox so keep an eye on this new improved version.
Great to see your back out and about, hopefully we will see you soon for a curry
Andrew
Take it easy might getting Ginny to bring me over to see your box!
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