alcoholism advice - PistonHeads

Original Poster

102 posts

10 months

[news]

Tuesday 4th September 2012

Simonium said:

This thread is now my first port of call on PH and I'm delighted to witness the progress and honesty of RB. I know I would be a sullen and reclusive sod in the same situation. Bravo!

thanks for that - i'm sure you'd do fine if you started out with the right attitude

happychap said:

... that sounds like I'm stalking you, honestly I'm not.

don't worry - that's cool with me - i've never had a stalker before!

all part of the rich tapestry of being a recovering alkie i guess

happychap said:

How do you feel about your 4 pm appointment today?

i have an awful habit of deciding exactly how a conversation will go hours before it's due to start

this is the case here i'm afraid ... and in the "preview version" inside my head; they're not expecting me because someone didn't pass on the message that i intended to keep the appointment ... so i kindly give them some strong advice regarding their futures ... wink

no, i'll get that all out of my head and go in with an open mind (or at least, as open as i can manage)

i have zero expectation or preconception since (as you point out), things are going pretty well without them

i hence see it like it could pan out two ways

one it's clear that they're really not going to be much use to me so i explain politely that i'm getting on great with aa thank you very much

... or two, it's really interesting and seems to have potential so i embrace it as something to compliment all the other positive things i've got going just now ... another arrow in my quiver, as it were

happychap said:

I'm of the belief that things happen for a reason, the cock up with follow up appointment after your initial assessment allowed you to attend aa and find the support you needed.

yes, you could be quite right

happychap said:

Look forward to your next update.

rock bottom said:

otherwise i'll only post if i have something to report which i think people might find interesting

i won a fiver on a scratch card this morning wink

Edited by rock bottom on Tuesday 4th September 12:04

Simonium

214 posts

21 months

[news]

Tuesday 4th September 2012

And this is why blogs work! The readers start to look forward to the updates - even about scratchcards. :-)

B17NNS

8,580 posts

116 months

[news]

Tuesday 4th September 2012

Haven't posted in a while but read the thread daily and continue to be massively impressed by your progress RB.

Keep on keeping on brother.

Original Poster

102 posts

10 months

[news]

Wednesday 5th September 2012

I don't believe it!

rock bottom said:

happychap said:

How do you feel about your 4 pm appointment today?

wrong! ... it went like this (NAM = "Nice Addaction Man") ...

NAM : good afternoon, can i help you?

RB : yes, i'm here for an appointment

NAM : ok, and your name please

RB : the name is bottom ... rock bottom

NAM : just hold on please

... goes into office and returns a few moments later ...

NAM : i'm afraid your appointment is actually tomorrow

RB : oh bugger

now, i think i can quite confidently say that in the 26 years of my professional life, i never missed a meeting or got the time of a meeting wrong ... let alone the day!

let us keep in mind that the vast majority of this "professional life" was spent either badly hungover or pissed

and i stay off the sauce for three and a bit weeks and then this happens ... only the words of victor meldrew can do it justice frown

so, there i was, in the middle of the city ... with time on my hands ...

"before", my next move would have been obvious ... but it's "after" now ... so I bought a newspaper and went to a starbucks

i think i've only been in a starbucks once before ... it was a few years ago and, as i recall, around about Christmas

i had been at an outside meeting with my boss at the time

he suggested "going for a coffee" to discuss our next move with the thing we were involved with at the time

i can remember thinking that it was knocking on for lunchtime so how could anyone possibly conceive of going to a coffee place when we were surrounded by loads of perfectly good pubs

anyway, i went along with his strange idea but when we got inside, i had no idea what to order

then i spotted some cappuccino type thing which had "egg-nog" in it

i didn't know what "egg-nog" was but it was vaguely familiar from black and white movies and i reckoned it must have alcohol in it ... so that's what i had

anyway, i digress, yesterday i sat in starbucks and had an americano with four shots and a large slice of chocolate chunk shortbread ... then i went home and bounced off the walls for a while ... then i went out to aa and spoke until i was told to shut-up ... i exaggerate

so that was my tuesday pretty much ... apart from some minor shenanigans between my window cleaner and dog walker ... but that'll keep for another day

sorry, just remembered something else ... on my way to addaction, i spotted the (part) owner / manager of a bar which i used to do a lot of my drinking in

to put this into perspective, this was (is) a busy west end public house (i.e. not a club) and i ran an account which was settled monthly ... that's how much my custom meant to them

anyway, when i saw this chap, i had all sorts of thoughts flooding my head ... i actually had fleeting pangs of guilt as i imagined his kids going to school with no shoes on ...

seriously though it did make me think a bit in terms of ... that was "before" and this is "after" and this is "now" and this is "real" ... but most important, i'm strong enough and smart enough to stick with "now" / "real" because it's brilliant and i'm loving it

one day at a time

enjoy your wednesday folks - the postman has just been so i'm about to devour "motorsport news"

i'm also hoping to see alex zanardi at brands hatch on the telly - he has most definately been an inspiration to me ... and, to the best of my knowledge, he's not even an alkie

Edited by rock bottom on Wednesday 5th September 13:39

257 posts

17 months

[news]

Wednesday 5th September 2012

Good afternoon RB, At least yesterday you were early for todays appointment, 24 hours early is a bit much though. As for feeling guilty for ther inn keeper children having to attend School without any shoes, dont worry they will get used to it.
How has todays appointment gone, will you be accessing a service from them, or continue with aa as your main source of support.
I'm wondering what life is like now, as oppossed to how life used to be. I imagine your emotions and anxietys will be mixed to say the least. Regards

Digger

5,724 posts

60 months

[news]

Wednesday 5th September 2012

If & when you get a moment (I'm guessing you may have done similar already) can you roughly calculate how much money you have saved that otherwise would have been spent on alcohol since you stopped?

It is always an eye-opener. smile

Keep up the excellent work RB.

LHRFlightman

353 posts

39 months

[news]

Wednesday 5th September 2012

RB I don't drink,maybe a glass of red with Xmas dinner. It's just never even a part of my life.
However I just wanted to say I think you're a bloody hero. Keep it up fella.

Original Poster

102 posts

10 months

[news]

Wednesday 5th September 2012

Simonium said:

nice things

B17NNS said:

nice things

Digger said:

nice things

LHRFlightman said:

nice things

thanks folks, it really does mean a lot

Digger said:

... can you roughly calculate how much money you have saved that otherwise would have been spent on alcohol since you stopped?

i'll try to have a go at this tomorrow or the next day

i can feel a pivot table coming on with sexy conditional formatting and perhaps some sparklines

happychap said:

How has todays appointment gone, will you be accessing a service from them, or continue with aa as your main source of support.

i don't have a good feeling i'm afraid but i'll give it a bash

i have to learn some 'tools' before i can enter their MAP group meetings

this would normally be done on a tuesday evening but, no can do, as tuesdays are my aa home group and very dear to me

the lady kindly offered to see me on a one-to-one basis for this but the first session she can offer is 18/09/12 - there really doesn't seem to be any sense of urgency

much earlier in this thread ...

Tyre Smoke said:

... did the Addaction guy tell you that they have all been in your position? They have all had drink problems and have overcome their difficulties.

i really do doubt this is the case

the lady i saw was roughly half my age and was doing "a job"

i don't mean that in a bad way but there was absolutely none of the empathy i feel when i'm at aa

i didn't connect at all but maybe this will come

happychap said:

I'm wondering what life is like now, as oppossed to how life used to be. I imagine your emotions and anxietys will be mixed to say the least.

"before" my moods and emotions were roller coaster ... sometimes hair trigger / tinder box

now i'm pretty much flat line happy - more than i could have possibly imagined or would have dared to wish for

as stable as a big bag of stable things

heading upstairs now for tv, tea and sweeties

i'm not feeling very well just now but i know exactly what it is and it will pass

it's a physical thing which flares up from time to time

if i don't post for a day or two, don't worry, i'll just be taking it easy and i'll be back presently

Edited by rock bottom on Wednesday 5th September 22:00

257 posts

17 months

[news]

Wednesday 5th September 2012

i don't have a good feeling i'm afraid but i'll give it a bash

If it doesn't feel right, dont force it, stick to what's working. In time your stratergies for coping will adapt to what you need.

Sorry to hear your not feeling well, keep taking the tea and sweets, lots of them. Take care.

Original Poster

102 posts

10 months

[news]

Friday 7th September 2012

a quick message of apology

i created an email account specifically to make this identity on ph

a few minutes ago, i just signed in to it for the first time since its creation

there are quite a few messages in the inbox

many are offering best wishes and support - for which i'm very grateful

there are, however, some messages asking for advice

i feel terribly guilty that i have ostensibly ignored these

i will answer every message tomorrow (friday)

i'm so sorry

i'm just enjoying a can of "irn bru" and a "sherbet fountain" while listening to the latest episode of " rogue male".

quiet day today apart from a minor contratante with the dog walking lady and the gardener tipping up unannounced - which was a bit inconvenient

i'm posting on my wife's ipad and it's really not very easy with podgy fingers so i'll leave it at that and post more in the morning

Edited by rock bottom on Friday 7th September 02:24

257 posts

17 months

[news]

Saturday 8th September 2012

Evening RB, How are you, getting better I hope. Regards

domxe

8,691 posts

119 months

[news]

Saturday 8th September 2012

RB - you have mail from me.

Haven't had time to catch up on this thread just yet, but will do soon.

Original Poster

102 posts

10 months

[news]

Sunday 9th September 2012

sorry folks - i've been suffering for a few days and feeling less than energetic or motivated

still loving being sober though ... albeit with the very occasional bad mood and "bad thought"

just away to watch our jenson do the biz at monza ... fingers crossed

will try to post up a bit later and reply to emails

intending to go to aa this evening though and also need to attend to the back of my wife's car as the dog jumped in to it this morning with a cut paw and bled all over the shop

oh and i'll have to fit a prawn madras in as well so it might be late on

enjoy your sunday

Stuart70

394 posts

52 months

[news]

Tuesday 11th September 2012

Morning RB

My insomnia is worse than usual tonight, so surfing and passing the time, thought I would call in and see how you are doing. Hope that is ok?

Hope the prawn madras lived up to expectation.

Take care of yourself, nothing to say other than best wishes...

Cheers

Original Poster

102 posts

10 months

[news]

Tuesday 11th September 2012

i've not been very good about posting and i'm sorry

i've just been absolutely exhausted these last few days

friday afternoon - made the gym for first time in a while

spotted a chap from aa when i was in there

he's a really nice man - an older fella who obviously "works out"

he does things down at the end bit with the free weights ... i've never been down there ... it looks like a dangerous place

home for a bath and a snack and then out to aa - ok'ish meeting - not the best / not the worst

then my friday night treat of lamb achari balti and a plain naan

up early on saturday to do not very much

i'd intended to go to the gym while my wife was running with her friend but i just wasn't up to it so lay on the sofa and watched stuff from monza and vegitated - bad mistake ... idle mind / bad thoughts / bad mood

mclaren front row cheered me up but i was fit for nothing so just dozed for the rest of the day and evening - not proud of myself

sunday morning, went to the park with wife and dog then home for the grand prix - poor old jenson

quick prawn madras and then out to a meeting

only a total of six turned out but it was quite nice and intimate and there were more jaffa cakes to go round and we got home early

yesterday (monday) was "one of thoses days"

i was up at a decent time but just pottered ... and then my nice polish cleaning ladies turned up early ... what a kerfuffle!!!

took the dog out (dog walking lady poorly) thinking that she'd just want to go to the bottom of the road and back ... but she was in the mood for a loooong walk

at pretty much the farthest point from the house, it started to rain heavily ... jacket? me? no!

the walk just about killed me (i can only really manage about 500m before I'm quicker crawling) and we were soaked

after toweling dog and getting changed, i took her to my parents house for them to look after her for a couple of hours

i wanted to visit a chap from aa who is in hospital

arrived at hospital and the man at the barrier wouldn't let me in as i didn't have an appointment or a disabled badge ... i was really sore after the walk so i said a bad word at him and parked on the street

eventually got to the correct ward after a 15 minute hobble only to find my friend's room empty - a nurse told me that he'd gone off with another visitor

i left a message that i'd called and i left his nanas and magazine (he called later saying he was sorry to have missed me)

back to my folks and only partially fell out with my father - managed to get out before things escalated

home and had a snooze until my wife got home from work

cooked tea for dog and us and then tv and sweeties time

the tv was really good last night - including panorama about over 65s drinking too much which was interesting

i had a gp appointment this morning

she was delighted with me but i told her about being tired

we agreed that it might well be because i'm doing so much just now

i'll see her in four weeks time and if i still feel the same way, they'll do some bloods to check me out

stopped at a shop on the way home to pick up some extravagant stuff for lunch (which i'm just about to have)

home, did some email / forum stuff ... and here i am

assuming dog walking lady tips up, plan for the rest of the day as follows ...

try to track down a tradesman who is doing a very good impression of claude rains
have a phone argument with a tradesman who's work has turned out to be rubbish
reply to a couple of emails
gym
home / bath
feed dog
out to aa
home for "hot 'n' spicy" pizza
tv and sweeties

sorry, that was pretty uninteresting

in summary, all pointing in the right direction, heppy to be here and happy to be sober

enjoy the rest of your day

Edited by rock bottom on Tuesday 11th September 13:09

257 posts

17 months

[news]

Tuesday 11th September 2012

Afternoon RB,

Good to hear from you again. Pleased to hear you are feeling a bit better and survived the wet dog walk.
Dont worry to much about missing the odd gym session as long as you then dont right the hole day off by doing nothing.
By the way, be brave and venture dowm the free weights section just to see what goes on down there, you have in fact been come out of a more dangerous place that you were in before.

Are you any nearer to returning to employment either full time or part time. You might want to consider finding some voluntary work to fill in some of your time, this would start to give you some routine and responsibility. As you pointed out, it is all to easy to miss a gym session then all else just seems to follow, however this is not unique to you.

It might be worth at this time just to remind yourself where you are in this long term process, you have made incredible progress, the honeymoon period maybe coming to an end, this is natural, keep focusing on making steady progress and sustaining it.

Good luck, keep posting. Regards

Huntsman

3,595 posts

119 months

[news]

Tuesday 11th September 2012

RB - apropos nothing at all, but the TV and sweeties shines through in your posts. Gotta love a 10p mix up.

Bohally

812 posts

16 months

[news]

Tuesday 11th September 2012

rock bottom said:

try to track down a tradesman who is doing a very good impression of claude rains
have a phone argument with a tradesman who's work has turned out to be rubbish
reply to a couple of emails
gym
home / bath
feed dog
out to aa
home for "hot 'n' spicy" pizza
tv and sweeties

sorry, that was pretty uninteresting

in summary, all pointing in the right direction, heppy to be here and happy to be sober

enjoy the rest of your day

Edited by rock bottom on Tuesday 11th September 13:09

Evening RB,

I know you were posting under a different alias but how about a gym buddy? I'm sure there are plenty of PH'ers reading the thread who probably aren't too far from where you are? Having somebody to train with is a huge motivation.

Keep up the good work!

Original Poster

102 posts

10 months

[news]

Wednesday 12th September 2012

happychap said:

Good to hear from you again. Pleased to hear you are feeling a bit better ...

happychap said:

You might want to consider finding some voluntary work to fill in some of your time ...

that's a great idea but i will be doing some consultancy work - mostly from home

i have already secured around 20hrs / week for a few weeks starting w/c 24/09/12

need to keep that wolf from the door

Huntsman said:

... TV and sweeties shines through in your posts. Gotta love a 10p mix up.

Bohally said:

... how about a gym buddy?

not practicable i'm afraid

i can't commit to a routine as such due the unpredictable nature of my fitness and mobility

Bohally said:

Keep up the good work!

thanks

last night wasn't very good for me - or maybe it was really good ... i guess there are two ways of looking at it

i went to aa (tuesdays are my "home group") and the chap who did the main share told a story that really shook me up

he told of being on a flight (non commercial) after drying out the previous day following a substantial bender

he remembered wishing that the aircraft would crash and he'd be killed

the logic was thus ...

all problems gone
all fear and anxiety done with
he'd be remembered for being in a tragic accident and not for being a hopeless drunk
his wife and kids would want for nothing when the compensation came through

... he also admitted that he had absolutely no thought for others on the aircraft or on the ground or, indeed, how this might affect his wife and kids

i was very shaken by this story and i'm still a bit upset as i type

yup, been there, in every detail

i'm sure the vast majority of those reading won't be able to grasp how anyone could possibly be so selfish ... but that's how it is

this was a stark reminder and it woke me up like a hard slap in the face

it was a reminder of the utter madness that was "before"

i use that word "madness" purposefully and in its true sense as that's exactly what it was

when it was my turn to speak, i was unable to say anything and i broke down

things are so good right now that i am loving life and so grateful for everything i have

i must however never forget the times of fear and anxiety and desperation and utter, utter "madness"

from yesterday ...

rock bottom said:

... plan for the rest of the day as follows ...

try to track down a tradesman who is doing a very good impression of claude rains

... it transpired that his brother died

thank goodness i wasn't able to contact him

a lesson in not being judgemental

ok, the sun is shining and i'm going to sit in the garden with a cup of tea and a cake and motorsport news

one last thing - i have a couple of emails to respond to and i'm finding it really difficult

i'm just scared i say the wrong thing - please bear with me

more later

Edited by rock bottom on Wednesday 12th September 13:31

257 posts

17 months