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Fer
6,463 posts
149 months
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Good luck OP, I hope you get it sorted for your sanity and the kids sake. I think there are many of us in a somewhat similar situation so I really hope this works out for you all, no matter what you choose to do.
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philthy
4,526 posts
109 months
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Without wanting to be harsh, it's over.
Let her go, and salvage as much dignity for you and the kids as possible. The kids are your highest priority.
She has simply fallen "out of love" with you. It happens.
Sit her down and talk, properly. Accept that it is over, and agree between you to look after the kids the best way possible.
We can sit here for days being all mumsnet about this, but frankly, you're simply delaying the inevitable.
Sorry.
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uk_vette
2,766 posts
73 months
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TwigtheWonderkid said: A bit down said: Although I'm not very religious, I took my wedding vows very seriously You make that sound like an exception to the rule, and that most non religious people don't care! I got married in a registry office, and made promises to my wife without any involvement of god. And I take them very seriously too. Anyway, best of luck with your situation. And avoid the idiots who say she's definitely having an affair, it's all over etc. They may turn out to be right, but they're still just guessing. . Yeah OP, just because you did your speech with god in mind, whats he got to do with it anyway? Hope it turns out which ever path you walk. vette
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philthy
4,526 posts
109 months
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Tyrewrecker said: Pommygranite said: Seriously, just grab her phone and leg it it with it, go up the street and just read it
If she gets angry explain why you've taken it saying everythg you've said in here - it all makes sense you're not paranoid and if you're wrong at least you've raised the subject.
Seriously just steal her phone and all will be revealed. If you're right you stealing her phone will be the least of her worries. This, even if it means taking it when she is sleeping. The OP has already told us she has an Iphone. If he has access to the computer she syncs it with, he doesn't even need the phone. Feel free to PM me if you need any more detail.
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uk_vette
2,766 posts
73 months
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El Guapo said: Assuming that she is playing away and you find evidence or she admits it, you can retain the moral high ground by telling her that you can put up with her having an affair but you aren't willing to break up your family by separating.
It might sound crazy but she will, in all probability, tire of the affair before long, especially once she knows that you're aware of it. You would need to be very strong to pull this off but you'd be seen as the bigger man by your family and hers too. . I think that that is going to be too much for any man to stomach. Sitting playing happy families while she is getting back worked by some other bloke?. Couldn't do it, guess you would all read head lines about it in the papers though. vette
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Pommygranite
4,158 posts
85 months
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uk_vette said: El Guapo said: Assuming that she is playing away and you find evidence or she admits it, you can retain the moral high ground by telling her that you can put up with her having an affair but you aren't willing to break up your family by separating.
It might sound crazy but she will, in all probability, tire of the affair before long, especially once she knows that you're aware of it. You would need to be very strong to pull this off but you'd be seen as the bigger man by your family and hers too. . I think that that is going to be too much for any man to stomach. Sitting playing happy families while she is getting back worked by some other bloke?. Couldn't do it, guess you would all read head lines about it in the papers though. vette I think sticking with your partner whilst they f  k someone else and you know about it doesn't make you the bigger person it makes you look like an absolute fool with no self respect.
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mikeveal
1,075 posts
119 months
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Pommygranite said: I think sticking with your partner whilst they f k someone else and you know about it doesn't make you the bigger person it makes you look like an absolute fool with no self respect. Then I'm sorry, but your attitude is rather immature and self centred. If you truely loved the other person, then you would find it in your heart to forgive them. You'd do what ever it took to get them back. But I will agree that they have to want to come back, they'd have to end the affair pretty damn fast and be sorry for making a mistake. It's not about being the bigger person, it's about accepting that people make mistakes and upholding your side of the bargain to stick with your other half, for better or worse. You can't make your other half stay, but if they want to come back then simply throwing them out shows emotional immaturity. This is the first time that the OP suspects his wife has dome the dirty. And to me, it sounds like she's screaming for help from the OP.
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Pommygranite
4,158 posts
85 months
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mikeveal said: Then I'm sorry, but your attitude is rather immature and self centred.
If you truely loved the other person, then you would find it in your heart to forgive them. You'd do what ever it took to get them back.
But I will agree that they have to want to come back, they'd have to end the affair pretty damn fast and be sorry for making a mistake.
It's not about being the bigger person, it's about accepting that people make mistakes and upholding your side of the bargain to stick with your other half, for better or worse. You can't make your other half stay, but if they want to come back then simply throwing them out shows emotional immaturity.
This is the first time that the OP suspects his wife has dome the dirty. And to me, it sounds like she's screaming for help from the OP. Immature and self centered? You quite clearly have never been through it. I have been through it just like it seems the OP is and the immature person is the person who doesn't have the guts to talk but cheats and self centered is the person who thinks not of their family but themselves and their cheating desires. If you would stay with a cheater on the basis of pride and looking a better man rather than have some self respect about being with a partner who treats you as deserved then you are a fool. You lead one life and to spend it being mistreated is no life and you certainly won't be happy.
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mikeveal
1,075 posts
119 months
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Pommygranite said: Immature and self centered? You quite clearly have never been through it.
I have been through it just like it seems the OP is and the immature person is the person who doesn't have the guts to talk but cheats and self centered is the person who thinks not of their family but themselves and their cheating desires. No I've never been through it. But if it ever happened, I would hope that I was man enough to forgive. If you're advocating throwing away a relationship because one party made a mistake, then our views clearly differ, as I would say that makes you the fool. Marriage is a commitment for life, not something to be binned at the first hurdle, if you don't believe that then you shouldn't be getting hitched. If there was no remorse on the part of the cheater and if the extra marital relationship didn't stop pretty damn quickly, then I agree, time to break up. Pommygranite said: If you would stay with a cheater on the basis of pride and looking a better man rather than have some self respect about being with a partner who treats you as deserved then you are a fool. You lead one life and to spend it being mistreated is no life and you certainly won't be happy. If that's what you think I meant, you've completely missed my point. If the other party feels they've made a mistake, are remorseful and want to give it another go, then I think you're foolish and emotionally immature to chuck them out. But a repeat offense would certainly see them out on their ear.
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Some Gump
4,371 posts
55 months
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Pommygranite said: I think sticking with your partner whilst they f k someone else and you know about it doesn't make you the bigger person it makes you look like an absolute fool with no self respect. What a ish post.
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littlegreenfairy
9,361 posts
90 months
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Don't go looking for proof or making accusations - just split up, move on, retain dignity and all the rest of it.
You are obviously not happy and are not able to make a go of it. You have kept to your wedding vows and you need to understand that. There are two people here and you can't feel bad for the other persons actions.
By not casting nasturtiums and accusing her of an affair you are being the bigger person and wont have the kids seeing daddy so upset. Just tell them that mummy and daddy aren't happy together anymore and you'll be much more fun and happy apart.
Keep the kids as the main focus and just forget her. Move on and have some you time.
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unrepentant
14,402 posts
125 months
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littlegreenfairy said: By not casting nasturtiums  
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littlegreenfairy
9,361 posts
90 months
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Oops. One referred to aspersions as nasturtiums and it sorta stuck from there!
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malcysmith
127 posts
58 months
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I will be careful here and would prefer not to be "judged".
Recently spent some time with a woman who is married and I am shocked the lengths she goes to and how thick her Hubby is.
She has no evidence on phone and has thought so much of it through that it is frightening.
What I would say is, that stealing the phone will not reveal anything.
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Ikemi
6,035 posts
74 months
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malcysmith said: I will be careful here and would prefer not to be "judged".
Recently spent some time with a woman who is married and I am shocked the lengths she goes to and how thick her Hubby is.
She has no evidence on phone and has thought so much of it through that it is frightening.
What I would say is, that stealing the phone will not reveal anything. It only takes one slip. Also, you'd be surprised what you can recover from an iPhone with the right software.
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TwigtheWonderkid
6,050 posts
19 months
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malcysmith said: I will be careful here and would prefer not to be "judged".
Recently spent some time with a woman who is married and I am shocked the lengths she goes to and how thick her Hubby is. You would prefer not to be judged but are quite happy to judge her husband. He might not be quite as thick as you think.
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singlecoil
14,928 posts
115 months
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People seem fascinated with what info the phone might contain. But it seems to me that if the woman has any sense she will have the bloke's (if there is one) name down under that of one of her female friends, so the OP would have to actually ring all the numbers that she most often calls to see if any of them might qualify as a lover.
But even if a lover was discovered by these means, how does it help the OP. He already knows that there is something going on, that his wife's attention is not on him, whether she is actually having bonkies with anybody else doesn't really matter especially as it is no longer grounds for divorce (which he doesn't want anyway).
Befor deciding whether or not to spy on someone, decide whether you can benefit from any information obtained, and whether there is anything you might learn which you may wish you hadn't.
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Zwolf
22,321 posts
75 months
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singlecoil said: Whether she is actually having bonkies with anybody else doesn't really matter especially as it is no longer grounds for divorce It is, actually.DirectGov said: 1. AdulteryYou can use adultery as a reason for divorce if all of the following apply: - Your husband or wife has had sex with someone else of the opposite sex
- You don’t want to carry on living together
- You decided not to continue living together within six months of the adultery happening or you finding out about it
Any sexual activity that you have been forced into, whether you are a man or a woman, is not adultery as you were not willing. Rape is therefore not adultery. Adultery is sexual activity with someone else that you choose. To prove adultery, you will need to give the court: - Details of the adultery, for example when it happened
- Statements from you and your husband or wife
- An admission of adultery from your husband or wife
If your husband or wife won’t admit to adultery, you might need to talk to a solicitor about what to do next.
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McHaggis
7,686 posts
24 months
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Even if it is, the reality, does it matter? Courts will generally award custody to the mother even if she committed the adultery? Bottom line is, does it change the outcome?
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mondeoman
6,779 posts
135 months
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Just wondering how the OPs weekend is going - will he manage to get his leg over one last time?
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