Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

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Funkycoldribena

7,379 posts

153 months

Saturday 20th April 2013
quotequote all
Laurel Green said:
Have you just discovered the Internet?

NoNeed

15,137 posts

199 months

Saturday 20th April 2013
quotequote all
Funkycoldribena said:
Laurel Green said:
Have you just discovered the Internet?
He has been here 5 times longer than youhehe

sc4589

1,958 posts

164 months

Saturday 20th April 2013
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The was a young vampire called Mabel,
Whose periods where quite unstable,
Upon a full moon,
She would pull out a spoon,
And drink herself under the table.

TheEnd

15,370 posts

187 months

Saturday 20th April 2013
quotequote all
sc4589 said:
The was a young vampire called Mabel,
Whose periods where quite unstable,
Upon a full moon,
She would pull out a spoon,
And drink herself under the table.
That's all kinds of wrong.

Vipers

32,796 posts

227 months

Sunday 21st April 2013
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Paddy walked into a bar in Dublin and says to the barman

"A pint please barman"

Barman "Whitbread"

Paddy "No tank you, just on its own"




smile

Sticks.

8,706 posts

250 months

Sunday 21st April 2013
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Vipers said:
Paddy walked into a bar in Dublin and says to the barman

"A pint please barman"

Barman "Whitbread"

Paddy "No tank you, just on its own"




smile
Blimey Vipers, I haven't heard that in at leat 40 years! smile

K12beano

20,854 posts

274 months

Sunday 21st April 2013
quotequote all
Blimey, I'm shattered already.



Started on the London Virgin Marathon this morning. Can't conceive of hitting 26 today....... Starting in Essex was doing no favours I now realise.

sc0tt

18,032 posts

200 months

Sunday 21st April 2013
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K12beano said:
Blimey, I'm shattered already.



Started on the London Virgin Marathon this morning. Can't conceive of hitting 26 today....... Starting in Essex was doing no favours I now realise.
Yoda? That you?

Vipers

32,796 posts

227 months

Sunday 21st April 2013
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Sticks. said:
Blimey Vipers, I haven't heard that in at leat 40 years! smile
At least, just came to the forefront last night biggrin




smile

anonymous-user

53 months

Sunday 21st April 2013
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mph999 said:
Can I politely request that there are NO boston jokes posted on here.
Seriously, this would be totally inappropriate.

Martin
Report anything too offensive to the moderators..

Marty63

2,347 posts

173 months

Sunday 21st April 2013
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Two guys in a bar...

One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!"
"Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he ..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my f**king house."

im

34,302 posts

216 months

Sunday 21st April 2013
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mph999 said:
Can I politely request that there are NO boston jokes posted on here.
Seriously, this would be totally inappropriate.

Martin
And lets not forget the Chinese earthquake....and the Syrian army attack in Damascus....or the South Sudan Nurse tragedy...or, well, just about anything that involved the death of someone within the last (say) 24 hours. Now, what time limit are we working on? 1 day, 1 Month, 1 year? I'm sure the McCanns would like some input to that particular issue. Thatcher seemed be fair game PDQ. Oh, are WW2 tragedies OK cos my Grandad gets awfully upset/offended when he hears jokes about....blah blah blah.




SMcP114

2,916 posts

191 months

Monday 22nd April 2013
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Sitting on the edge of the bed tonight, pulling off my boxers.

I really spoil those dogs.

HarveyM

154 posts

172 months

Monday 22nd April 2013
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Marty63 said:
Two guys in a bar...
laugh

Glassman

22,501 posts

214 months

Monday 22nd April 2013
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SMcP114 said:
Sitting on the edge of the bed tonight, pulling off my boxers.

I really spoil those dogs.
At least your wife didn't see you

LordGrover

33,531 posts

211 months

Monday 22nd April 2013
quotequote all
... this time.

V8mate

45,899 posts

188 months

Monday 22nd April 2013
quotequote all
Glassman said:
SMcP114 said:
Sitting on the edge of the bed tonight, pulling off my boxers.

I really spoil those dogs.
At least your wife didn't see you
And only guys embarrassed about their puny wiener take their pants off sitting down anyway.

Gargamel

14,957 posts

260 months

Monday 22nd April 2013
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V8mate said:
And only guys embarrassed about their puny wiener take their pants off sitting down anyway.
Still, enough about your habits and back to the jokes.


Sticks.

8,706 posts

250 months

Monday 22nd April 2013
quotequote all
Glassman said:
SMcP114 said:
Sitting on the edge of the bed tonight, pulling off my boxers.

I really spoil those dogs.
At least your wife didn't see you
She did last time, a few pages back.

LeeThr

3,122 posts

170 months

Tuesday 23rd April 2013
quotequote all
This is terrible but I needed something to get this thread in my contributions...


I think I got a bit rough with my new girlfriend last night, I gave her a love bite and she farted and flew out of the window.
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