Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

[Laurel Green]

... after a 'yes' vote in the referendum.


New maps, only UK £1.00 or 250 Caledonian Lira

[GloverMart]

Laurel Green said:

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."


I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

[Amused2death]

A banker, a Daily Mail reporter and an immigrant are sat at a table with 12 biscuits, the banker takes 11 of them and leans over to the Daily Reporter and says "watch that immigrant he's going to take your biscuit"!

[Laurel Green]

Amused2death said:

A banker, a Daily Mail reporter and an immigrant are sat at a table with 12 biscuits, the banker takes 11 of them and leans over to the Daily Reporter and says "watch that immigrant he's going to take your biscuit"!

Shouldn't this be in the NP&E forum?

[cjb1]

A few years ago a friend of mine invested in an edible fungus business, saw him last night, said his business had mushroomed.

[Laurel Green]

[Justayellowbadge]

Really?

Jesus Christ.

[LordGrover]

Happily...

[K12beano]

What's black and white, very cute, and eats leaves?




A Killer Shark.









Eh? Did I say "leaves"? I meant "legs". Sorry.

[Quickmoose]

K12beano said:

What's black and white, very cute, and eats leaves?




A Killer Shark.









Eh? Did I say "leaves"? I meant "legs". Sorry.

did you mean 'black and white' and 'very cute' ?

[Pixelpeep]

looks like its time for

what's green and goes red at the touch of a button?

kermit in a liquidiser

[crmcatee]

K12beano said:

What's black and white, very cute, and eats leaves?




A Killer Shark.









Eh? Did I say "leaves"? I meant "legs". Sorry.

Didn't you also mean Whale ?

[Pixelpeep]

My wife has been missing for 3 days now and the police have told me to expect the worst.

so i've been down the charity shop and got all her clothes back.

[EarlOfHazard]

Jürgen Klopp has ruled himself out of the running for the Manchester United managers job.

His brother Klippity is said to be interested

[LordHaveMurci]

EarlOfHazard said:

Jürgen Klopp has ruled himself out of the running for the Manchester United managers job.

His brother Klippity is said to be interested

Chris Evans, Radio 2 this morning

[Pixelpeep]

LordHaveMurci said:

Chris Evans, Radio 2 this morning

He's been on there for a while. That wasn't a very good joke.

Now Chris Evans, Radio 1 this morning would have been much better

[cjb1]

EarlOfHazard said:

Jürgen Klopp has ruled himself out of the running for the Manchester United managers job.

His brother Klippity is said to be interested

No thanks, we just fired him!

[Hooli]

Pixelpeep said:

LordHaveMurci said:

Chris Evans, Radio 2 this morning

He's been on there for a while. That wasn't a very good joke.

It's the worst joke R2 have done for years.

[mybrainhurts]

MajorProblem said:

What's yellow and lies on the bottom of the Indian Ocean a camel?







Sand.

Fixed that for you...

[mybrainhurts]

LordHaveMurci said:

EarlOfHazard said:

Jürgen Klopp has ruled himself out of the running for the Manchester United managers job.

His brother Klippity is said to be interested

Chris Evans, Radio 2 this morning

Chris Evans, manager of Manchester United...? That'll go well.