Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
A German truck driver arrived at a depot in the Uk, he was bragging how great his Mercedes truck was bragging that it took him only 16 hours to get there from Germany, then a British driver said my uncle did Germany unloaded and back to the UK in around 8 hours, the German looking unsure and impressed said what was he in.... a Lancaster bomber came the reply..
You know you're an EXTREME REDNECK when:
1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5 You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9 Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
NOW YA 'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY
1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5 You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9 Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
NOW YA 'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY
I recently spent $6500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little old, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days. All my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He’s like a machine! Look, I really don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him . . . but they kind of taste like peppermint.
Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little old, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days. All my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He’s like a machine! Look, I really don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him . . . but they kind of taste like peppermint.
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating so fast it was unbearable, it seemed to take absolutely ages! Eventually, she got within a few yards of me and I couldn't contain myself anymore - "hurry up with that f
king trolley love, they've got 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2"
king trolley love, they've got 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2"Hugo a Gogo said:
Trophybloo said:
Gaspode said:
8Ace said:
Usget said:
I reckon I'm going to sell my Theremin. I haven't touched it in years.
Geeky but 
Just been to the loo...
...I know! More information than you needed...
But in this restaurant I popped into the loo and was presented with one of those signs: "Caution - Wet Floor"
Well it was a little strange but clearly everyone else had done so - and an order IS an order, after all.....
...I know! More information than you needed...
But in this restaurant I popped into the loo and was presented with one of those signs: "Caution - Wet Floor"
Well it was a little strange but clearly everyone else had done so - and an order IS an order, after all.....
Muntu said:
I recently saw a news article saying scientists have concluded every sentence you can possibly think of has already been said by somebody else.
I feel really sorry for whoever said "Help, I'm having my period in the shark tank!"
O/T but there was a Clarkson column on this subject where he concluded that not quite everything has already been said.I feel really sorry for whoever said "Help, I'm having my period in the shark tank!"
For example, it seems very unlikely that anyone ever went "I've punctured the waterbed lilo with my anarchy flag!" before he uttered it during the teenager's cars challenge
until some new gadget or waste of oxygen crops up.
EG if someone said to me 5 years ago "I read your post" I'd have assumed they had pilfered my letterbox (fnarr) and opened items of mail and cast their eyes over them.
Now it means that when I can be bothered to post anything on a particular form of social meeja that they have indeed read my post....
I have actually never heard or read the sentence "Oh is Lisa Tarbuck on the radio? I really must listen to that".
until no.....oh feck it.
EG if someone said to me 5 years ago "I read your post" I'd have assumed they had pilfered my letterbox (fnarr) and opened items of mail and cast their eyes over them.
Now it means that when I can be bothered to post anything on a particular form of social meeja that they have indeed read my post....
I have actually never heard or read the sentence "Oh is Lisa Tarbuck on the radio? I really must listen to that".
until no.....oh feck it.
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