Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are walking together when they happen upon an old oil lamp. They rub the lamp and a genie pops out and grants them three wishes, one each.
The Irishman wishes that Ireland should be a green and pleasant land, rich in natural resources with stunning scenery and Guinness flowing from the taps. The genie waves his hand and the wish is granted.
The Scotsman likes the sound of this and wishes for the same for Scotland but with whisky flowing from the taps and a wall around the country to keep the English out. The wall is to be 100ft high, 20ft thick and made of re-inforced concrete so that no-one can get in and no-one can get out. "Are you sure?" says the genie. "Absolutely" says the Scotsman, and with a wave of his hand, the genie grants the wish.
The genie turns to the Englishman and asks him for his wish. "Tell me again about this wall you have built for the Scotsman" says the Englishman. "Well it's 100ft high, 20ft thick and made of re-inforced concrete so no-one can get in and no-one can get out" replied the genie. The Englishman pondered for a moment and then wished............
"Fill it with water"
The Irishman wishes that Ireland should be a green and pleasant land, rich in natural resources with stunning scenery and Guinness flowing from the taps. The genie waves his hand and the wish is granted.
The Scotsman likes the sound of this and wishes for the same for Scotland but with whisky flowing from the taps and a wall around the country to keep the English out. The wall is to be 100ft high, 20ft thick and made of re-inforced concrete so that no-one can get in and no-one can get out. "Are you sure?" says the genie. "Absolutely" says the Scotsman, and with a wave of his hand, the genie grants the wish.
The genie turns to the Englishman and asks him for his wish. "Tell me again about this wall you have built for the Scotsman" says the Englishman. "Well it's 100ft high, 20ft thick and made of re-inforced concrete so no-one can get in and no-one can get out" replied the genie. The Englishman pondered for a moment and then wished............
"Fill it with water"
If Scotland gains its independence as a result of the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the "Former United Kingdom" (FUK).
In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting "yes" the English government has begun a campaign with the slogan
"Vote NO for FUK's sake."
They feel that Scottish voters will warm to this.
In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting "yes" the English government has begun a campaign with the slogan
"Vote NO for FUK's sake."
They feel that Scottish voters will warm to this.
Edited by QuantumTokoloshi on Wednesday 17th September 15:03
HM the Queen is in Glasgow and she bumped into Alex Salmond.
HM: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.
AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence ? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?
HM: No, we don’t like that.
AS: Empire, and I'll be Emperor?
HM: No.
AS: All right, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?
HM: No, Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country and you can carry on as you are.
HM: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.
AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence ? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?
HM: No, we don’t like that.
AS: Empire, and I'll be Emperor?
HM: No.
AS: All right, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?
HM: No, Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country and you can carry on as you are.
This is an historic day as the world awaits the outcome of the all important Scottish vote!
http://www.theguardian.com/sport/2014/sep/17/r-and...
http://www.theguardian.com/sport/2014/sep/17/r-and...
Ali Chappussy said:
HM the Queen is in Glasgow and she bumped into Alex Salmond.
HM: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.
AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence ? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?
HM: No, we don’t like that.
AS: Empire, and I'll be Emperor?
HM: No.
AS: All right, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?
HM: No, Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country and you can carry on as you are.
HM: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.
AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence ? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?
HM: No, we don’t like that.
AS: Empire, and I'll be Emperor?
HM: No.
AS: All right, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?
HM: No, Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country and you can carry on as you are.
Deffo worth 3
PoleDriver said:
This is an historic day as the world awaits the outcome of the all important Scottish vote!
http://www.theguardian.com/sport/2014/sep/17/r-and...
This was mentioned on the radio this morning, someone emailed to say that at his golf club some ladies were taking tea on the terrace, close to the 18th green, when a man missed a putt and used some anglo saxon terminology to express his concern.http://www.theguardian.com/sport/2014/sep/17/r-and...
The ladies put in a complaint to the committee who reviewed it and took immediate action. Ladies were banned from the terrace during tournaments.
(I have no idea if this was true or not, but isn't too far fetched that it might be, and anyway it's funnier than some 'jokes' posted on here!)
Nimby said:
Petemate said:
Deffo worth 3
king hoot in your local bar:"Boring, Joe Bloggs told that joke a month ago in the Rose and Crown"
You need to get a f
king life, not everyone has time to read every post on every thread, like you obviously do!karona said:
Nimby said:
Petemate said:
Deffo worth 3
king hoot in your local bar:"Boring, Joe Bloggs told that joke a month ago in the Rose and Crown"
You need to get a f
king life, not everyone has time to read every post on every thread, like you obviously do!
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