Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
ds want to give me for breakfast tomorrow morning?There were these four old friends, and one day one of them died, and the remaining three all went to the funeral. Then a month later another one died, and the remaining two went to the funeral. Then a week later another one died, and the last man left went to the funeral. After the service he was slowly making his way out of the churchyard and he bumped into the undertaker, who shook him warmly by the hand, put his other hand on the old man's shoulder and murmured "it's hardly worth going home, is it?"
A horse walks into a bar
The barman says, "why the long face?"
"I'm racing later today."
"Tennish?"
"no, two thirty"
"How did you do it?"
"I walked into a bar"
a piece of red tarmac walks into the bar
"Is he with you?", says the barman
"No", says the horse, "don't serve him, he's a cycle path!"
"We had Chinese red rum in here the other day"
"Spirit?"
"Yeah but I cleaned it up"
The barman says, "why the long face?"
"I'm racing later today."
"Tennish?"
"no, two thirty"
"How did you do it?"
"I walked into a bar"
a piece of red tarmac walks into the bar
"Is he with you?", says the barman
"No", says the horse, "don't serve him, he's a cycle path!"
"We had Chinese red rum in here the other day"
"Spirit?"
"Yeah but I cleaned it up"
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to my local Member of Parliament about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
Making a mental note so I could complain to my local Member of Parliament about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He told her, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die...
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" She replied, "You're going to die!"
He told her, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die...
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" She replied, "You're going to die!"
Chipchap said:
Teacher: Johnny I see that you were absent from school all day yesterday ?
Johnny: Yes Miss, sorry Miss but my Dad got burned.
Teacher: Oh I am sorry to hear that Johnny. Was he badly burned then ?
Johnny: I'll say he was. They don't piss about at the crematorium Miss.
Thank you Billy Connelly circa 1974 !! Johnny: Yes Miss, sorry Miss but my Dad got burned.
Teacher: Oh I am sorry to hear that Johnny. Was he badly burned then ?
Johnny: I'll say he was. They don't piss about at the crematorium Miss.
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