Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

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Discussion

red rider

207 posts

191 months

Monday 15th December 2014
quotequote all
If the Marksmen get a clear enough shot of the man holding up the coffee shop in Australia they will spilatte him all over the place

LordHaveMurci

12,034 posts

168 months

Monday 15th December 2014
quotequote all
ColinM50 said:
Back on January 9th, a group of bikers from Pekin, Illinois were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .

So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....
whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that .... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.

Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Vipers, is that you?!

Vipers

32,796 posts

227 months

Monday 15th December 2014
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LordHaveMurci said:
Vipers, is that you?!
I ducked, what did I miss?




smile

rohrl

8,711 posts

144 months

Monday 15th December 2014
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What's brass & sounds like Tom Jones?


Trombones

AmiableChimp

3,674 posts

236 months

Tuesday 16th December 2014
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rohrl said:
What's brass & sounds like Tom Jones?


Trombones
laugh

Halmyre

11,148 posts

138 months

Tuesday 16th December 2014
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rohrl said:
What's brass & sounds like Tom Jones?


Trombones
That is absolutely...terrible! I may just have to nick it.

K12beano

20,854 posts

274 months

Tuesday 16th December 2014
quotequote all
SATAN'S COMING!!! SATAN'S COMING!!!

bounce

I hope he can tell whether I've been naughty or nice?!






I also hope he can understand I'm dyss-Leks-mip!

AyBee

10,522 posts

201 months

Tuesday 16th December 2014
quotequote all
Why is Santa such a jolly guy?



Because he knows where all the naughty girls live tongue out

madbadger

11,555 posts

243 months

Tuesday 16th December 2014
quotequote all
ColinM50 said:
Back on January 9th, a group of bikers from Pekin, Illinois were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .

So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....
whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that .... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.

Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
He, Shirly?

Monkeylegend

26,226 posts

230 months

Tuesday 16th December 2014
quotequote all
"Doctor, I have got a mole on the end of my willy"

"Well I will remove it this time, but any more and I will have to report you to the RSPCA"

Hooli

32,278 posts

199 months

Tuesday 16th December 2014
quotequote all
Halmyre said:
rohrl said:
What's brass & sounds like Tom Jones?


Trombones
That is absolutely...terrible! I may just have to nick it.
+1 laugh

Vipers

32,796 posts

227 months

Tuesday 16th December 2014
quotequote all
So paddy walks up to the barman in the pub and says "Can you change me an eighteen pound note for me"

The barman says "For sure, do you want three six's, or two nine pound notes"




smile

Usget

5,426 posts

210 months

Tuesday 16th December 2014
quotequote all
Hooli said:
Halmyre said:
rohrl said:
What's brass & sounds like Tom Jones?


Trombones
That is absolutely...terrible! I may just have to nick it.
+1 laugh
That is truly brilliant!

schmunk

4,399 posts

124 months

Tuesday 16th December 2014
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Vipers said:
So paddy walks up to the barman in the pub and says "Can you change me an eighteen pound note for me"

The barman says "For sure, do you want three six's, or two nine pound notes"

smile
So Heinrich walks up to the barman in the beergarden and says "Can you change me an eighteen Euro note for me?"

The barman says "Nein".


Edited by schmunk on Tuesday 16th December 16:17

Ayahuasca

27,427 posts

278 months

Tuesday 16th December 2014
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How do you know if an Englishman is at a cockfight?

He's the one with a duck.

How do you know if an Irishman is there?

He bets on the duck.

How do you know if Irish travelling tinker folk are there?

The duck wins.

Vipers

32,796 posts

227 months

Tuesday 16th December 2014
quotequote all


Maybe not a joke but a bit of humour nevertheless.




smile

Kenty

5,029 posts

174 months

Wednesday 17th December 2014
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An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'

Kenty

5,029 posts

174 months

Wednesday 17th December 2014
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An old cowboy walks into a bar. A woman comes up to him and asks, "Excuse me sir, but are you a real cowboy?"
"That I am, ma'am," he says. "When I wake up in the morning, I'm thinking about my cattle. When I'm eating my breakfast and listening to the radio, I'm thinking about my cattle. When I'm cooking dinner out on the range, I'm thinking about my cattle, and when I'm asleep, I dream about my cattle. I reckon I'm about as close to a 'real cowboy' as they come. What about you, ma'am? What do you do for a living?"
"Well, believe it or not," she says, "I'm a lesbian pornstar."
"Huh," he says. "And are you a real lesbian?"
"That I am, sir," she says. "When I wake up in the morning, I'm thinking about women. When I'm taking my shower and doing my nails, I'm thinking about women. When I'm watching TV at night, I'm thinking about women, and when I'm asleep, I dream about women. I reckon I'm just as much a 'real lesbian' as you are a 'real cowboy.' "
"Well, to be honest," the cowboy replies. "I've always told everyone I'm a real cowboy, but hearing you talk now, I'm starting to think I might actually be a lesbian."

Vipers

32,796 posts

227 months

Wednesday 17th December 2014
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Good job I read both, though a multiple post, good ones.




smile

yorky500

1,715 posts

190 months

Wednesday 17th December 2014
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"
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