Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

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Kenty

5,029 posts

174 months

Wednesday 17th December 2014
quotequote all
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire at night, telling tall tales and talking themselves up. The first cowboy says
"Ya know I've gotta be the most bad-ass, hard cowboy there is in these parts... Just the other day, I was out wrangling bulls with my bare hands. Managed to take down a dozen or so before they all got scared of me and ran off."
The second cowboy scoffs and then says "You think that's impressive? I've been doing that since I were knee high to a cactus. Just last night I was riding out at dusk, came across a nest of Rattler's. They reared up at me, and I went over and bit of their heads one by one, now that takes a man's man."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals of the fire with his dick.

shakotan

10,679 posts

195 months

Wednesday 17th December 2014
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Vipers said:


Maybe not a joke but a bit of humour nevertheless.




smile
That's a Reliant Rialto though [/CaptainBuzzkill]

Vipers

32,796 posts

227 months

Wednesday 17th December 2014
quotequote all
shakotan said:
That's a Reliant Rialto though [/CaptainBuzzkill]
Well done, look the same to me, then again I only copied and pasted, good spotting.




smile

awooga

358 posts

133 months

Wednesday 17th December 2014
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I love this time of year. You can slam your laptop shut when your girlfriend walks into the room and you don't get any disgusted looks.

northwest monkey

6,370 posts

188 months

Wednesday 17th December 2014
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awooga said:
I love this time of year. You can slam your laptop shut when your girlfriend walks into the room and you don't get any disgusted looks.
Apart from when you then try telling her you the reason your cock was in your hand is because it's where you keep your credit card details & the tissues by the side of you are a receipt.

I'm not sure she's convinced if I'm honest.

Pixelpeep7r

8,600 posts

141 months

Wednesday 17th December 2014
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My Grandpa has the heart of a lion!

... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Pixelpeep7r

8,600 posts

141 months

Wednesday 17th December 2014
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I think i want a job cleaning mirrors.

it's just something i could really see myself doing.

awooga

358 posts

133 months

Wednesday 17th December 2014
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I hope American children have learned something from today's events in Pakistan.

That's how you shoot a school up.

schmunk

4,399 posts

124 months

Wednesday 17th December 2014
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awooga said:
I hope American children have learned something from today's events in Pakistan.

That's how you shoot a school up.
Oof, that's a bit raw...

twing

4,995 posts

130 months

Thursday 18th December 2014
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'king 'ell! (I'm going to hell for laughing)

Ayahuasca

27,427 posts

278 months

Thursday 18th December 2014
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awooga said:
I hope American children have learned something from today's events in Pakistan.

That's how you shoot a school up.
Is that you Frankie Boyle?


KareemK

1,110 posts

118 months

Thursday 18th December 2014
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Ayahuasca said:
awooga said:
I hope American children have learned something from today's events in Pakistan.

That's how you shoot a school up.
Is that you Frankie Boyle?
No it's Sickipedia - 2 days ago. biggrin

EarlOfHazard

3,601 posts

157 months

Thursday 18th December 2014
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Bloody movie tie-in merchandise is doing my head in.
Went to Sainsbury's earlier and they even had "Frozen" peas!

Galileo

3,145 posts

217 months

Friday 19th December 2014
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A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30'sto 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 60, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry'.

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 60's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration

K12beano

20,854 posts

274 months

Friday 19th December 2014
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I misread the terms and conditions on the IMF Christmas Raffle.



I appear to have won Turkey.

Kenty

5,029 posts

174 months

Friday 19th December 2014
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With 1 terrorist, 2 coffee drinkers and 8 children murdered in Australia this week, I think they cannot avoid the follow on with Pakistan's total of 141 in their first innings.

BrassMan

1,482 posts

188 months

Friday 19th December 2014
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EarlOfHazard said:
Bloody movie tie-in merchandise is doing my head in.
Went to Sainsbury's earlier and they even had "Frozen" peas!
My local Morrison's has a TMNT crossover on their pizzas.

Laurel Green

30,770 posts

231 months

Saturday 20th December 2014
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A testimony to true friendship...


A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after
work.


His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens
in.


"My hair & make-up are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking
tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"


"Because he's thinking of getting married."

XJSJohn

15,959 posts

218 months

Saturday 20th December 2014
quotequote all
Kenty said:
With 1 terrorist, 2 coffee drinkers and 8 children murdered in Australia this week, I think they cannot avoid the follow on with Pakistan's total of 141 in their first innings.
ouch ...

is it wrong that i did laugh .....

Vipers

32,796 posts

227 months

Saturday 20th December 2014
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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Alabama backwoods.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down, and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

"I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.




smile
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