Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Asterix said:
schmunk said:
MartG said:
I'm drunk, I might be wrong!
(Did anyone notice how I deliberately left out the one in the word 'past')
A woman was in a coma, and had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick to bring her out of the coma.”
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran back into the room.
“What happened!?” they cried.
The husband said, “I'm not sure; maybe she choked.!”
L
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND .
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all wanna be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said : " To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said : "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said : "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a side profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said :"What about you ? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed: "Didn't you hear what I just told the last applicant?
This is a side picture profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said: "This is probably a waste of time, but....." He flashed the photo for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying :"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual features about this man?" The third blonde said: "I sure did... This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said:"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said: "Well, Hellooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly cant wear glasses can he! "
Dave walks into a pub and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks him why he's looking so down. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that i wanted to ask out, but i got an erection every time i saw her?"
"Yes," replies Dave with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she said yes."
"That's great!" says Dave, "When are you going out?"
"Well i went to meet her this evening," countinues Paul, "but i was worried I'd get an erection again. So i got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if i did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible," says Dave.
"So i get to her door," says Paul, "and i rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest, sexiest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened?"
Paul slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."
"Yes," replies Dave with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she said yes."
"That's great!" says Dave, "When are you going out?"
"Well i went to meet her this evening," countinues Paul, "but i was worried I'd get an erection again. So i got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if i did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible," says Dave.
"So i get to her door," says Paul, "and i rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest, sexiest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened?"
Paul slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."
Business was terrible and not picking up. The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Deborah or Jack, It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Deborah came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, " Deborah, I’ve never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like s**t."
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Deborah came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, " Deborah, I’ve never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like s**t."
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