Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a s
tty estate and surviving off benefits.
It's called "Alice in Sunderland".
( made me chuckle, even though I'm an ex-pat Mackem
)
I asked my wife, "Do you think your mother would prefer Riverdance or something more Fred Astaireish ? "She replied, "I think she'd prefer it if you stayed off her grave all together, you sick bd."
Just a reminder to those who stole Electrical goods in the riots a few years ago....your Warranty runs out soon!!
tty estate and surviving off benefits.It's called "Alice in Sunderland".
( made me chuckle, even though I'm an ex-pat Mackem
)I asked my wife, "Do you think your mother would prefer Riverdance or something more Fred Astaireish ? "She replied, "I think she'd prefer it if you stayed off her grave all together, you sick b
d."Just a reminder to those who stole Electrical goods in the riots a few years ago....your Warranty runs out soon!!
Kenty said:
My wife came in out of the garden and said, "Three pairs of my knickers are missing off the line."
I said, "I know, the kids from next door have them."
She said, "Why have they got them?"
I said, "They were playing pirates and they wanted some sails for their galleon."
My next door neighbour accused me of stealing stuff from her washing line. I said, "I know, the kids from next door have them."
She said, "Why have they got them?"
I said, "They were playing pirates and they wanted some sails for their galleon."
I nearly shat in her pants
Statistics released from The United Nations
Australian, Canadian, UK and US men between 45 and 75 will average having sex two to three times per week.
Japanese men, in the same age group, have sex only two or three times per year.
Many of my friends find this very disturbing news because they had no idea they were Japanese.
I realise this isn't meant for here but it's been making me laugh all morning:
Duck Army
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHc288IPFzk
Duck Army
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHc288IPFzk
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on."
So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back." "He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.
He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on."
So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back." "He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.
So we're doing Lone Ranger jokes are we. OK, then....this is awful, but when did that stop anyone:
Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding all day in the searing heat and eventually find a bar so stop for a breather.
Lone Ranger's hosre, Silver, is exhausted and hot so he asks Tonto to run round him to work up a bit of a breeze to cool the animal down whilst he goes in an orders some beers.
Inside, the Lone Ranger is waiting for the beers to be poured when a bloke comes in and asks "whose the Silver horse is?"
"That be mine" says the Lone Ranger. "Is there a problem?"
"No" says the bloke - "it's just that you left your Injun running"
Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding all day in the searing heat and eventually find a bar so stop for a breather.
Lone Ranger's hosre, Silver, is exhausted and hot so he asks Tonto to run round him to work up a bit of a breeze to cool the animal down whilst he goes in an orders some beers.
Inside, the Lone Ranger is waiting for the beers to be poured when a bloke comes in and asks "whose the Silver horse is?"
"That be mine" says the Lone Ranger. "Is there a problem?"
"No" says the bloke - "it's just that you left your Injun running"
No, no, no, no, no. No.
Where's the build-up, the suspense, the earth-shattering denouement?
LR and Tonto are out on the prairie when they see a horde of Injun raiders approaching from the east.
"Where do we go now, Tonto?", asks the LR.
"We go north, Kemo Sabe", replies faithful Tonto.
So they go north, and meet another horde.
"Where do we go now, Tonto?", asks the LR.
"We go west, Kemo Sabe", replies faithful Tonto.
So they go west, and meet another horde.
"Where do we go now, Tonto?", asks the LR.
"We go south, Kemo Sabe", replies faithful Tonto.
So they go south, and meet another horde.
"Where do we go now, Tonto?", asks the LR.
"Who's *we*, paleface?"
I often use this punchline when Lady H suggests an activity which I am not totally in favour of.
Where's the build-up, the suspense, the earth-shattering denouement?
LR and Tonto are out on the prairie when they see a horde of Injun raiders approaching from the east.
"Where do we go now, Tonto?", asks the LR.
"We go north, Kemo Sabe", replies faithful Tonto.
So they go north, and meet another horde.
"Where do we go now, Tonto?", asks the LR.
"We go west, Kemo Sabe", replies faithful Tonto.
So they go west, and meet another horde.
"Where do we go now, Tonto?", asks the LR.
"We go south, Kemo Sabe", replies faithful Tonto.
So they go south, and meet another horde.
"Where do we go now, Tonto?", asks the LR.
"Who's *we*, paleface?"
I often use this punchline when Lady H suggests an activity which I am not totally in favour of.
Edited by Halmyre on Tuesday 1st September 10:12
MarkwG said:
The way I heard it....
FFS truth be known he sent a text Vipers said:
The Lone Ranger is holed up in a cave surrounded by Red Indians (For the PC brigade read - native North Americans).
Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, "Oh no; we're surrounded"
Tonto replies "What's this "we" Paleface...?"
Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, "Oh no; we're surrounded"
Tonto replies "What's this "we" Paleface...?"
Vipers said:
MarkwG said:
The way I heard it....
FFS truth be known he sent a text Vipers said:
The Lone Ranger is holed up in a cave surrounded by Red Indians (For the PC brigade read - native North Americans).
Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, "Oh no; we're surrounded"
Tonto replies "What's this "we" Paleface...?"
Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, "Oh no; we're surrounded"
Tonto replies "What's this "we" Paleface...?"
Halmyre said:
Vipers said:
MarkwG said:
The way I heard it....
FFS truth be known he sent a text Vipers said:
The Lone Ranger is holed up in a cave surrounded by Red Indians (For the PC brigade read - native North Americans).
Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, "Oh no; we're surrounded"
Tonto replies "What's this "we" Paleface...?"
Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, "Oh no; we're surrounded"
Tonto replies "What's this "we" Paleface...?"
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
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