Sticky situation at work. Help/Advice needed please
Discussion
A bit of a strange one.
I am a civil servant, working a 24/7 role. my wife works for the same organisation, but in a different role. 18 months ago, our marriage fell apart, and she had a fling with a colleague. I found out rather quickly, it ended, we worked it out, and are still together, happier than ever.
The colleague mrs B had a fling with was sent to work in another office as a punishment, 3 miles away, for 3 months. He was then brought back to the same office, working alongside my wife (I work the opposite shifts to him). We protested this, but the bosses werent interested, and did nothing.
I have actively sought to avoid this other bloke, not applying for other roles because I knew I would have to work alongside him. I was warned that any revenge would finish my career and see me in court. I have kept professional, but 12 months ago finally had enough of the snide comments and grief from others (not him, he wont enter the same room as me) that I asked for a transfer.
Last week I find (via a phonecall from my line manager) that this bloke is coming to work on my shift. Not in the same office, but our paths will inevitably cross most days. I have again been warned that anything other than professional behaviour will result in disciplinary proceedings against me. I have appealed to my bosses (3 levels up) and been told 'tough'.
My wife has, for the second day running, returned home in tears because of the stress this is causing us (probably resurrected guilt, I assume, but we didnt need this). She is 7 months pregnant, and not needing the stress. Our direct managers see the issue, and do not agree with the boss's decision, but the decision makers, once aware of the issue, haven't even bothered to speak to my wife or myself about it.
I have spoken to our equivalent of a union, who have told me there is little I can do, and I may have to put up with it, as they cannot see a way out of it. The decision makers are all (3 of them) on annual leave, so I cannot speak with them face-to-face.
I see this issue has to potential to end with increased stress for my wife and I, which we don't need. Our employers seem to have overlooked and 'duty of care' in lieu of the 'needs of the business'.
I am at a loss as to what to do, other than get on with it, destroying myself from the inside, or going off sick over it. I have been told to 'get over it' and 'man up' etc etc, but ultimately would you want to work with the bloke who shagged your wife? What can I do?
I am a civil servant, working a 24/7 role. my wife works for the same organisation, but in a different role. 18 months ago, our marriage fell apart, and she had a fling with a colleague. I found out rather quickly, it ended, we worked it out, and are still together, happier than ever.
The colleague mrs B had a fling with was sent to work in another office as a punishment, 3 miles away, for 3 months. He was then brought back to the same office, working alongside my wife (I work the opposite shifts to him). We protested this, but the bosses werent interested, and did nothing.
I have actively sought to avoid this other bloke, not applying for other roles because I knew I would have to work alongside him. I was warned that any revenge would finish my career and see me in court. I have kept professional, but 12 months ago finally had enough of the snide comments and grief from others (not him, he wont enter the same room as me) that I asked for a transfer.
Last week I find (via a phonecall from my line manager) that this bloke is coming to work on my shift. Not in the same office, but our paths will inevitably cross most days. I have again been warned that anything other than professional behaviour will result in disciplinary proceedings against me. I have appealed to my bosses (3 levels up) and been told 'tough'.
My wife has, for the second day running, returned home in tears because of the stress this is causing us (probably resurrected guilt, I assume, but we didnt need this). She is 7 months pregnant, and not needing the stress. Our direct managers see the issue, and do not agree with the boss's decision, but the decision makers, once aware of the issue, haven't even bothered to speak to my wife or myself about it.
I have spoken to our equivalent of a union, who have told me there is little I can do, and I may have to put up with it, as they cannot see a way out of it. The decision makers are all (3 of them) on annual leave, so I cannot speak with them face-to-face.
I see this issue has to potential to end with increased stress for my wife and I, which we don't need. Our employers seem to have overlooked and 'duty of care' in lieu of the 'needs of the business'.
I am at a loss as to what to do, other than get on with it, destroying myself from the inside, or going off sick over it. I have been told to 'get over it' and 'man up' etc etc, but ultimately would you want to work with the bloke who shagged your wife? What can I do?
First thing's first, I'd get a paternity test done.
Secondly, I personally couldn't a) take someone back who has been shagging someone else and b) never in a million years be able to work in the same company as my now ex and her shagging partner.
I can't workout whether to commend your professionalism, courage and forgiving nature or to mock it.
Either way, it's a sticky situation (sorry about the pun, not intended).
Secondly, I personally couldn't a) take someone back who has been shagging someone else and b) never in a million years be able to work in the same company as my now ex and her shagging partner.
I can't workout whether to commend your professionalism, courage and forgiving nature or to mock it.
Either way, it's a sticky situation (sorry about the pun, not intended).
mu0n said:
First thing's first, I'd get a paternity test done.
Secondly, I personally couldn't a) take someone back who has been shagging someone else and b) never in a million years be able to work in the same company as my now ex and her shagging partner.
I can't workout whether to commend your professionalism, courage and forgiving nature or to mock it.
Either way, it's a sticky situation (sorry about the pun, not intended).
No need for paternity test, I am happy my children are mine. I made the decision to work my marriage out, and we are happier and stronger than ever. That decision, right or wrong in the eyes of many, was mine and mine alone to make. I hate the bloke, and would quite happily beat him within an inch of his life, but I know the outcome of it, so won't. Secondly, I personally couldn't a) take someone back who has been shagging someone else and b) never in a million years be able to work in the same company as my now ex and her shagging partner.
I can't workout whether to commend your professionalism, courage and forgiving nature or to mock it.
Either way, it's a sticky situation (sorry about the pun, not intended).
broken biscuit said:
No need for paternity test, I am happy my children are mine. I made the decision to work my marriage out, and we are happier and stronger than ever. That decision, right or wrong in the eyes of many, was mine and mine alone to make. I hate the bloke, and would quite happily beat him within an inch of his life, but I know the outcome of it, so won't.
The thing is mate, if you can forigve her, why not him? It takes 2 to tango as they say and it seems odd to forgive one (who is meant to love you) than someone who did it who had no loyalty to you?It definitely does not seem healthy to be working where you are though - the mocking from colleagues could be taken higher as it's verbal harassment which is a serious offence.
First thing to do is keep a record of ALL requests you have made and ANY comments made with dates etc etc, whether they be comments made by colleagues or your bosses.
Are you a member of a union? If so i'd be on to them.
It sounds like a horrendous situation, i'd be looking for another job if I were you. I'd never normally advocate this, but if it is really making your wife unhappy then maybe she should look to get signed off work with stress, as the health of her and the baby is the most important thing of all.
Personally, I'm amazed you have been ok with her continuing to work with him.
Are you a member of a union? If so i'd be on to them.
It sounds like a horrendous situation, i'd be looking for another job if I were you. I'd never normally advocate this, but if it is really making your wife unhappy then maybe she should look to get signed off work with stress, as the health of her and the baby is the most important thing of all.
Personally, I'm amazed you have been ok with her continuing to work with him.
I can't forgive him. The affair was his and my wife's fault, I accept that. I have dealt with what she did. It took me a long time, but I sorted it. In my line of work, you trust your colleagues with your life. Some you get on with, others you don't but you trust them. For him to knowingly do what he did, is the biggest breach of trust he could make. That I cannot forgive. Rightly or wrongly, I will never forgive him.
Inkyfingers said:
First thing to do is keep a record of ALL requests you have made and ANY comments made with dates etc etc, whether they be comments made by colleagues or your bosses.
Are you a member of a union? If so i'd be on to them.
It sounds like a horrendous situation, i'd be looking for another job if I were you. I'd never normally advocate this, but if it is really making your wife unhappy then maybe she should look to get signed off work with stress, as the health of her and the baby is the most important thing of all.
Personally, I'm amazed you have been ok with her continuing to work with him.
All requests have been verbal so far, and all responses too. I have emails confirming we all have to get on with it, the decision is made. The union (or equivalent) have spoken with the decision maker, as has my second tier line manager, and have been told tough, decision stands, deal with it. I have no other avenues to pursue as far as I can see. I have had no choice but to put up with her working with him. She has not spoken with him, I know this from colleagues, and he has avoided both of us, which suited me fine. I also understand from colleagues he does not want to move to my group, and is well aware of my opinion and feelings towards him.Are you a member of a union? If so i'd be on to them.
It sounds like a horrendous situation, i'd be looking for another job if I were you. I'd never normally advocate this, but if it is really making your wife unhappy then maybe she should look to get signed off work with stress, as the health of her and the baby is the most important thing of all.
Personally, I'm amazed you have been ok with her continuing to work with him.
Your Mrs is seven months, she'll be on mat leave soon, which being public sector will be fairly generous. Does she have to go back to work in 9/12 months time? If she doesn't, let her ride out the mat leave and then quit/go on a career break?
With the Mrs at home you can concentrate on finding another job. You might be on some gilt-edged pension or have other reasons for staying, but seriously consider getting out.
My and my Mrs both worked in the public sector and left not long after we got together, I know how incestuous it can be, there was certainly history there for both of us that we left behind.
With the Mrs at home you can concentrate on finding another job. You might be on some gilt-edged pension or have other reasons for staying, but seriously consider getting out.
My and my Mrs both worked in the public sector and left not long after we got together, I know how incestuous it can be, there was certainly history there for both of us that we left behind.
Sorry biscuit, but from an outside perspective this is a problem the three of you have taken into a workplace and your employer is right to not care. In fact, the first thought of management should really be whether this issue of your creation will impact on what you are there to do. Why was the other bloke "punished"?
Unless I've missed something.
Huge condolences on a lousy situation of course though.
Unless I've missed something.
Huge condolences on a lousy situation of course though.
If it was me:
I'd get a paternity test done
Then...
Would get another job.
Channel the energy into getting another role, instead of worrying about bumping into this other guy. Its a business, its unfortunate what happened but you cant expect them to facilitate your concerns indefinitely. There will always be the risk you bump into him/work together. It must be a pain for your wife , but you make your bed, you sleep in it.
The above wont be want you want to hear, but it draws a line under it and you move on.
A slight thread hijack:
My mate was complaining his misses is "very stressed at work" at the moment. A few months back, she went out with colleagues after work, snogged a male colleague. She told my mate, he was pissed off but forgave her. She is now "stressed" as the colleague she snogged blanks her in the corridor (even though she does the same!!) and this creates a tense atmosphere!!
My mate was telling me how "difficult" it was for his misses at the moment and how he feels sorry for her!!!
I was lost for words.......
I'd get a paternity test done
Then...
Would get another job.
Channel the energy into getting another role, instead of worrying about bumping into this other guy. Its a business, its unfortunate what happened but you cant expect them to facilitate your concerns indefinitely. There will always be the risk you bump into him/work together. It must be a pain for your wife , but you make your bed, you sleep in it.
The above wont be want you want to hear, but it draws a line under it and you move on.
A slight thread hijack:
My mate was complaining his misses is "very stressed at work" at the moment. A few months back, she went out with colleagues after work, snogged a male colleague. She told my mate, he was pissed off but forgave her. She is now "stressed" as the colleague she snogged blanks her in the corridor (even though she does the same!!) and this creates a tense atmosphere!!
My mate was telling me how "difficult" it was for his misses at the moment and how he feels sorry for her!!!
I was lost for words.......
This situation was caused by your wife and a work colleague deciding to have an affair.
Why should it be the responsibility of the employers to clean up the mess they made?
If your wife is getting "stressed" maybe she shouldn't have been shagging someone else form the same office as both her and her husband.
Why should it be the responsibility of the employers to clean up the mess they made?
If your wife is getting "stressed" maybe she shouldn't have been shagging someone else form the same office as both her and her husband.
DocJock said:
This situation was caused by your wife and a work colleague deciding to have an affair.
Why should it be the responsibility of the employers to clean up the mess they made?
If your wife is getting "stressed" maybe she shouldn't have been shagging someone else form the same office as both her and her husband.
It is her fault, the matter was dealt with and now work have chosen to make changes that impact on me, not her. She is 'stressed' as she knows how I feel, and that obviously has knock-on effects. Ultimately, the situation was not caused by me, but I have to suffer. Had I binned her, she would still be there, and so would he. Would that be any different? No.Why should it be the responsibility of the employers to clean up the mess they made?
If your wife is getting "stressed" maybe she shouldn't have been shagging someone else form the same office as both her and her husband.
This is a situation brought about by the choices of the 3 of you and is a personal matter, quite rightly your employer expects the 3 of you to act like adults and do the job your paid to do. From a personal stand point the only "solution" is for your wife to look for employment else where if she is unable to handle the consequences of her actions.
I hope you get it all sorted out.
I hope you get it all sorted out.
As i said, she must be close to mat leave... Can she be signed off now? If her working isn't causing the stress then she should of course carry on.
on the stress subject, what about you... How are you feeling, the old stress card is played heavily imo in the public sector...
Not sure what you might be doing whereby you can be had over a barrel and not allowed to leave.
on the stress subject, what about you... How are you feeling, the old stress card is played heavily imo in the public sector...
Not sure what you might be doing whereby you can be had over a barrel and not allowed to leave.
broken biscuit said:
It is her fault, the matter was dealt with and now work have chosen to make changes that impact on me, not her. She is 'stressed' as she knows how I feel, and that obviously has knock-on effects. Ultimately, the situation was not caused by me, but I have to suffer. Had I binned her, she would still be there, and so would he. Would that be any different? No.
To be harsh, I'll ask you again why you feel that your employer has any obligation to you because you can't handle a problem from your personal life?You say your wife is stressed as she knows how you feel, but she obviously didn't think enough of you to consider your feelings before she was found out.
You are bringing your personal life to work and acting like your employers have some responsibility. They don't. Dry your eyes and get your head down, or leave if you don't like it.
Why should the other guy be the only one who is "punished"?
DocJock said:
Why should the other guy be the only one who is "punished"?
Slightly harshly put but I certainly agree with this part. I feel for your private situation and good on you for giving your marriage a go. But you do seem to think that it is just him that should be moved, punished, messed with.More than one person caused this problem.
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