July 26th 2014. Day 17 at the Mental Health Clinic.
Discussion
MarvGTI said:
In the end, if a troubled person commits suicice it will not be down to being selfish, which is often something that is thrown at people who have tried to take their own lives (myself included) - selfish towards the people they leave behind, their unfinished business, etc.
Since my attempt, I actually find it selfish of others to want me to live when clearly I do not enjoy life and just want out. Don't get me wrong, I do not want to be dead, I just don't really want to be alive anymore. Big difference.
From what I have seen it's because it's pretty complex in regards to stuff like suicide and mental illnesses. For some mental illnesses self harming and suicide is a "cry for attention", and generally not so much the person wanting to kill themselves as get attention. That I presume is where some of the stereotypes come from. However for others (like bipolar) it actually comes from the person wanting out of life, feeling it is less painful for them and others around them (as although they will be hurt, at least they don't have another x number of years dealing with the bipolar person screwing up etc). So depending on the illness it can mean different things when suicide and self harming happens.Since my attempt, I actually find it selfish of others to want me to live when clearly I do not enjoy life and just want out. Don't get me wrong, I do not want to be dead, I just don't really want to be alive anymore. Big difference.
MarvGTI said:
I'm not on any kind of medication, I come from a family where addiction is a big problem and I am very respectful and scared of the medication's effect. Also, I've got it in my mind that if I take something to make me happy, I will be aware that my happiness is only due to the meds. Something like an inverted placebo effect perhaps ? It's as if I know that chemical happiness is not real, which may not prevent its effects but cause a whole lot of other problems to crop up.
My therapists agree to leave me off meds unless I attempt something again.
Also, some of the side effects are down-right scary. At 26 I am too young for some serious anal leakage, ya feel me?
I'm not into hypnotherapy or other forms of treatment where I feel that I have to surrender part of the control I have - I like to be in touch with myself (cue laughs) and be completely aware of what is happening, what is working and what isn't.
I guess it's worth looking up some of the stuff about the meds. I'm on serequel and lamictal, and no anal leakage yet (also as a 26 year old guy)! I'm on pretty low doses though, I am lucky enough not to be "too" bipolar. My experiences of them...My therapists agree to leave me off meds unless I attempt something again.
Also, some of the side effects are down-right scary. At 26 I am too young for some serious anal leakage, ya feel me?
I'm not into hypnotherapy or other forms of treatment where I feel that I have to surrender part of the control I have - I like to be in touch with myself (cue laughs) and be completely aware of what is happening, what is working and what isn't.
No real addiction. The main thing is generally I have noticed is that it can be difficult to sleep without the serequel. However it depends a lot on what is happening - in the more high periods I tend to need to take a bit extra due to noticing the behavior going bad/ going into the 3-4 hours of sleep and racing throughts stage.
The meds will not make you happy in a way - sometimes the opposite. Depending on the combinations they will also remove the highs too (which presumably as you know can lead to a lot of problems too). They are more aimed at removing the worse of the highs and lows. Sometimes this takes time to find the right combinations/ amounts for you but can be worth it. I was the same as you, wanted to avoid medication. However after the second time of going in I started taking it for the sake of other people, as they had to put up with a lot of crap from my behavior.
What I've noticed after taking meds is that the depression is generally not there so much, at least not as deep or long. It doesn't make you happy, just removes the crazy stuff like being completely fed up of living etc. It also brings down the highs, and this is perhaps what I notice most. It feels like part of you is missing. As you know the highs feel amazing and you do want to get that feeling back. It's just the problem is when you're there it can get out of control (obsessive behavior, spending way too much money, very little sleep etc). You still do feel happy and so on, but perhaps more like normal - it's just you know what "un-normal" highs are like, and you want to get them back.
Generally my summary of medicine is that it's helped. I do feel parts of myself missing sometimes, but know those parts had very bad consequences sometimes (often more for others than yourself) - so it's worth the loss of that part. I don't want to put others through stuff like my ex had to deal with for example. It's also a lot less tiring for yourself. Just get a balance of the medicine where it doesn't change you completely, but removes the worst would be my advice. The doctors think perhaps it is too low, but I am happy with it and have not had any big breakdowns or anything since starting it (around 2 years ago). That's not to say I don't do any stupid stuff mind you,
Great thread, puts a bit of confidence back in PH as an aside to a lot of the sniping that goes on.
Marv you seem a great guy, good luck with your recovery. Try and think of it as a circle not a straight line, you`ll come across the same feelings and situations time and time again in your life, the thing that will be different is you. You are your own true constant. I find that kinda comforting.
I`ve had addiction problems as a method of coping with earlier aspects of my life and have gone through CBT, addictions counselling and group therapy. I kept waiting for a change to occur within me until one day after literally years, I thought stuff this for a game of soldiers. I realised I was incredibly hard on myself. There are enough people in this world that would do you down without your inner voice doing the same.
When you do get out get yourself a good therapist, don`t be afraid of "interviewing" them either. Took me a good few attempts before finding the right one.
Marv you seem a great guy, good luck with your recovery. Try and think of it as a circle not a straight line, you`ll come across the same feelings and situations time and time again in your life, the thing that will be different is you. You are your own true constant. I find that kinda comforting.
I`ve had addiction problems as a method of coping with earlier aspects of my life and have gone through CBT, addictions counselling and group therapy. I kept waiting for a change to occur within me until one day after literally years, I thought stuff this for a game of soldiers. I realised I was incredibly hard on myself. There are enough people in this world that would do you down without your inner voice doing the same.
When you do get out get yourself a good therapist, don`t be afraid of "interviewing" them either. Took me a good few attempts before finding the right one.
We've spoken briefly on a private basis, but in the name of public support from one "complex" individual to another- I have every confidence in you. Everyone suffers various situations over the course of their lives, but I look forward to having a pint (coke only for me sadly) with you and comparing notes on which place had the hottest nurses.
Stay strong- these things are sent to test us
Stay strong- these things are sent to test us
MarvGTI said:
Don't get me wrong, I do not want to be dead, I just don't really want to be alive anymore. Big difference.
That brought me up short. There's an awful lot going on in those few words.I'd also like to give you some kudos here Marv, for someone who has suffered with such complex issues you are making an awful lot of sense to me. One thing, when you say the occasional ganja, just how much are we talking about? I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this.
All the best to you in your recovery and please keep posting.
This is going to seem like a stupid question, but seriously- I'm asking because I have no clue. Is ganja different to normal 'herb'? I work with a dude who is super intelligent but super OCD, zero attention span and can only process one thing at once... He smokes up everyday and has done since he was 14. Does one lead to the other(s)?
Hi all,
Sorry for the long delay between replies, I had a very tough time with a lot of re-traumatizing going on, a few dissociating episodes and very strong suicidal tendencies.
So haven't been on the PC much.
I'm still here though!
I am now also on meds, which was one of the terms I had to agree to if I wanted to continue my stay in the clinic - I had simply become too unstable to go on without them, which I concur with.
So aside from the usual trouble, the meds took their toll as well, giving me sleepless nights (haven't slept in 4 days which my therapists are aware of and which will be addressed during a doctor's visit tomorrow) and generally wreaking havoc on my system.
I've also lost a lot of weight which worries the doctors, even though I eat healthily and regularly.
I'm slowly getting used to the meds though, so hope that the effects of getting used to them will wear off soon.
Thanks to all the people who have mailed me and given me the confidence to come back to this post, which I'll hopefully update more often in the future !
I hope you've all been all right and staying out of trouble!
Sorry for the long delay between replies, I had a very tough time with a lot of re-traumatizing going on, a few dissociating episodes and very strong suicidal tendencies.
So haven't been on the PC much.
I'm still here though!
I am now also on meds, which was one of the terms I had to agree to if I wanted to continue my stay in the clinic - I had simply become too unstable to go on without them, which I concur with.
So aside from the usual trouble, the meds took their toll as well, giving me sleepless nights (haven't slept in 4 days which my therapists are aware of and which will be addressed during a doctor's visit tomorrow) and generally wreaking havoc on my system.
I've also lost a lot of weight which worries the doctors, even though I eat healthily and regularly.
I'm slowly getting used to the meds though, so hope that the effects of getting used to them will wear off soon.
Thanks to all the people who have mailed me and given me the confidence to come back to this post, which I'll hopefully update more often in the future !
I hope you've all been all right and staying out of trouble!
Hi all,
I'm back, and apologies if I haven't stopped by as often as I was going to - there have been many new arrivals here at the clinic and the computers (2 rigs for 130 patients, go figure) were constantly occupied by those having to update their facebooks and twitters and God knows what.
I was astonished to see how many people on here, essentially are most of us strangers, care about this thread.
It sure does restore some hope !
As for updates, I'm already laying off my first meds as the doctors want to give me something stronger that will also help me sleep, so I'm prepared for a whole new set of side effects!
I had been given a first release date of 24/09 which has been pushed back another 2 weeks, so looking to go back by 08/10 now.
How has the collective of PH been doing ? Any new stand-out threads that one should read ?
I'm back, and apologies if I haven't stopped by as often as I was going to - there have been many new arrivals here at the clinic and the computers (2 rigs for 130 patients, go figure) were constantly occupied by those having to update their facebooks and twitters and God knows what.
I was astonished to see how many people on here, essentially are most of us strangers, care about this thread.
It sure does restore some hope !
As for updates, I'm already laying off my first meds as the doctors want to give me something stronger that will also help me sleep, so I'm prepared for a whole new set of side effects!
I had been given a first release date of 24/09 which has been pushed back another 2 weeks, so looking to go back by 08/10 now.
How has the collective of PH been doing ? Any new stand-out threads that one should read ?
MarvGTI said:
Hi all,
I'm back, and apologies if I haven't stopped by as often as I was going to - there have been many new arrivals here at the clinic and the computers (2 rigs for 130 patients, go figure) were constantly occupied by those having to update their facebooks and twitters and God knows what.
I was astonished to see how many people on here, essentially are most of us strangers, care about this thread.
It sure does restore some hope !
As for updates, I'm already laying off my first meds as the doctors want to give me something stronger that will also help me sleep, so I'm prepared for a whole new set of side effects!
I had been given a first release date of 24/09 which has been pushed back another 2 weeks, so looking to go back by 08/10 now.
How has the collective of PH been doing ? Any new stand-out threads that one should read ?
Why not check out serequel - it's helped me sleep and the only side effects most people seem to get are a dry mouth. Nothing particularly amazing seems to have popped up sadly. Not sure if it's just me getting used to PH and finding it predictable to know pretty much everything that will be posted in a thread anyway/having seen it posted before, or if it's just not as good?I'm back, and apologies if I haven't stopped by as often as I was going to - there have been many new arrivals here at the clinic and the computers (2 rigs for 130 patients, go figure) were constantly occupied by those having to update their facebooks and twitters and God knows what.
I was astonished to see how many people on here, essentially are most of us strangers, care about this thread.
It sure does restore some hope !
As for updates, I'm already laying off my first meds as the doctors want to give me something stronger that will also help me sleep, so I'm prepared for a whole new set of side effects!
I had been given a first release date of 24/09 which has been pushed back another 2 weeks, so looking to go back by 08/10 now.
How has the collective of PH been doing ? Any new stand-out threads that one should read ?
NRS said:
Why not check out serequel - it's helped me sleep and the only side effects most people seem to get are a dry mouth. Nothing particularly amazing seems to have popped up sadly. Not sure if it's just me getting used to PH and finding it predictable to know pretty much everything that will be posted in a thread anyway/having seen it posted before, or if it's just not as good?
NRS,Serequel is not prescribed by this clinic - a fellow patient was taking them and had to get resupplied from her local pharmacist.
I am currently on 50mg of Citalopran, taking 25mg for the next couple of days until next Wednesdays when I'll start Mirtazipin 30mg.
I get what you mean mate, I'll browse the Lounge for a few more minutes and try to dig something up - the photoshop my friend and dog thread was hilarious!
Hey Marv! 
nice to get an update from you. I was away for 2 weeks and the only thread I was interested in looking back at was this one to see how you are doing!
Sadly the s
tty Mexican WIFI couldn't handle the forum so I never got on here 
Hang in there dude! embrace the cooler sidefects of the new meds (if there are any?) and just think, by the time you get out the weather will be changing and you'll get to use the full 'powahh' of the Impreza on the greasy roads
Or get yourself onto a track in the lupo and drive the tyres off it
nice to get an update from you. I was away for 2 weeks and the only thread I was interested in looking back at was this one to see how you are doing!Sadly the s
tty Mexican WIFI couldn't handle the forum so I never got on here Hang in there dude! embrace the cooler sidefects of the new meds (if there are any?) and just think, by the time you get out the weather will be changing and you'll get to use the full 'powahh' of the Impreza on the greasy roads
Or get yourself onto a track in the lupo and drive the tyres off it
RyanTank said:
Hey Marv! nice to get an update from you. I was away for 2 weeks and the only thread I was interested in looking back at was this one to see how you are doing!
Sadly the stty Mexican WIFI couldn't handle the forum so I never got on here
Hang in there dude! embrace the cooler sidefects of the new meds (if there are any?) and just think, by the time you get out the weather will be changing and you'll get to use the full 'powahh' of the Impreza on the greasy roads
Or get yourself onto a track in the lupo and drive the tyres off it
Hi Ryan, nice to get an update from you. I was away for 2 weeks and the only thread I was interested in looking back at was this one to see how you are doing!Sadly the s
tty Mexican WIFI couldn't handle the forum so I never got on here Hang in there dude! embrace the cooler sidefects of the new meds (if there are any?) and just think, by the time you get out the weather will be changing and you'll get to use the full 'powahh' of the Impreza on the greasy roads
Or get yourself onto a track in the lupo and drive the tyres off it
Hope Mexico was treating you right, all I know is that Gus Fring is from there and you can score loads of chicas and tequila!
The meds have one cool side effect which is delayed ejaculation! Hey ho!
I took the 'preza to a muddy field in the rain a few weeks back and have some photos coming up if I can get them loaded to the computer here, and the Lupo is patiently waiting for me back home!
All the best mate!
Little update, nothing new on the continent.
Will start taking the new meds on wednesday, and leaving the clinic next week on the 24th.
Back in Luxembourg on the 28th as I will be spending a few days in Würzburg with the girlfriend (she lives there).
Disappointed by thetrash thread in the videogames section, that might have been a good one.
Will start taking the new meds on wednesday, and leaving the clinic next week on the 24th.
Back in Luxembourg on the 28th as I will be spending a few days in Würzburg with the girlfriend (she lives there).
Disappointed by thetrash thread in the videogames section, that might have been a good one.
Good news to read you have a release date, thetrash thread was anticlimactic, although I have to say, the "These pictures make my teeth itch" had me snorting coffee all over my keyboard!
http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&a...
http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&a...
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