Child Maintenance - What is it supposed to cover?
Discussion
As per the CSA site I pay my ex wife the amount suggested and then some per month but she is always asking for a bit more, like if new school shoes/uniforms/equipment are needed or for Summer Camp etc
As I have been doing ok work wise up to now I have just paid half of the 'extra' cost no question asked, but things are tight now and even my rent is getting harder to pay so I did question it today when asked for half of £400 needed for clothes/camp/shoes.
She laughed and made a comment about the amount I give her each month barely covered their lunches (A joke or a lie) so I just wondered what is the Maintenance for exactly?
Is it for food and bills only and 'extras' have to be decided on top or are the 'extras' supposed to come out of the original amount. She is totally unable to budget and is always in debt.
Cheers.
As I have been doing ok work wise up to now I have just paid half of the 'extra' cost no question asked, but things are tight now and even my rent is getting harder to pay so I did question it today when asked for half of £400 needed for clothes/camp/shoes.
She laughed and made a comment about the amount I give her each month barely covered their lunches (A joke or a lie) so I just wondered what is the Maintenance for exactly?
Is it for food and bills only and 'extras' have to be decided on top or are the 'extras' supposed to come out of the original amount. She is totally unable to budget and is always in debt.
Cheers.
)croyde said:
She is totally unable to budget and is always in debt.
Cheers.
It covers food, clothing, contributing towards their upbringing - the basic necessities of maintaining a child (ren), I would say it’s not supposed to cover your ex's inability to budget. Quite how you prove that is another matter. You are now seen as the limitless Bank of Ex.Cheers.
Maybe ask her to break down the budget of what she is spending on the children, but given the above statement, she won’t know the honest answer. If she does and its miles below near the values given, you won’t get to hear about it, if its miles above what you pay, you most definitely will.
I know someone whose ex is always skint and the children always eat the "value" food from the supermarket, yet said ex manages to smoke 5 packets of fags a week and consume a litre bottle of Smirnoff EVERY single weekend.
It pays for an amicable relationship with her, and peace of mind access to your kid.
Don't fool yourself into thinking it is 100% spent on your child...in the same way that when your child is throwing a strop at 2am on a Sunday morning you don't get woken up to help. We get the best bits - weekends and holidays and not the getting them ready for school and cleaning up before a long day at work. Don't kid yourself its all fair & even financially...there is more to it then that.
I ask - is she on her own looking after the three of them the majority of the time?
The only sensible answer is to sit down and explain to her you are struggling a bit yourself, with proof if necessary and ask her if there is anything else you can do to help her/children out. Washing? Cooking? Cancelling/selling/making calls on her behalf etc?
edit:
k off when she next asks, but what do you think will happen when you next want to see the children, or fall ill and need to re-arrange it, or get called away on work and want to fit them in around that?
Don't fool yourself into thinking it is 100% spent on your child...in the same way that when your child is throwing a strop at 2am on a Sunday morning you don't get woken up to help. We get the best bits - weekends and holidays and not the getting them ready for school and cleaning up before a long day at work. Don't kid yourself its all fair & even financially...there is more to it then that.
I ask - is she on her own looking after the three of them the majority of the time?
The only sensible answer is to sit down and explain to her you are struggling a bit yourself, with proof if necessary and ask her if there is anything else you can do to help her/children out. Washing? Cooking? Cancelling/selling/making calls on her behalf etc?
edit:
Baryonyx said:
Tell the old trout to fk off and don't give her a penny more than you have to.
No. Don't do this. This is being very very stupid & opening up a can of upset for everyone which YOU WILL LOOSE THE MOST and end up regretting it. Of course you can tell her to fk off and don't give her a penny more than you have to.k off when she next asks, but what do you think will happen when you next want to see the children, or fall ill and need to re-arrange it, or get called away on work and want to fit them in around that?Edited by Andehh on Saturday 23 August 17:30
It's been 5 years and currently pretty amicable so loath to upset the apple cart. She has a boyfriend who's great with the kids and doesn't work which allows both of us to, so pretty handy all round.
Currently have to have words with her as I think she is p!%%!ng current boyfriend off and I could do with her keeping him
I do pop round on the pretense of seeing the kids just about dinner time and get invited in for the meal as well.
Currently have to have words with her as I think she is p!%%!ng current boyfriend off and I could do with her keeping him
I do pop round on the pretense of seeing the kids just about dinner time and get invited in for the meal as well.
croyde said:
It's been 5 years and currently pretty amicable so loath to upset the apple cart. She has a boyfriend who's great with the kids and doesn't work which allows both of us to, so pretty handy all round.
Currently have to have words with her as I think she is p!%%!ng current boyfriend off and I could do with her keeping him
I do pop round on the pretense of seeing the kids just about dinner time and get invited in for the meal as well.
Sounds like a nice situation. Say you do save that extra £50-100/month what will you spend that on to help compensate for the stress & distract you from upsetting the apple cart? Women are irrational emotional creatures at the best of times before they have three young children relying on them....don't risk it mate, just accept the situation you're in and accept the fact money keeps it sweet.Currently have to have words with her as I think she is p!%%!ng current boyfriend off and I could do with her keeping him
I do pop round on the pretense of seeing the kids just about dinner time and get invited in for the meal as well.
We are second class citizen from a family/legal/respect point of view, we have to ask to see our children, walk on egg shells around our ex' and pay over the odds to keep them happy. Is it fair? No, is it right? No, but it IS necessary. Accept it & learn to live with it. You will thank yourself in 20 years time when you are at their wedding rather then looking at the pictures of it due to escalating tensions & bitter arguments with their mother snow balling....
Edited by Andehh on Saturday 23 August 17:40
Andehh said:
Women are irrational emotional creatures at the best of times before they have three young children relying on them...
More random PH misogyny. Edited by Andehh on Saturday 23 August 17:40
Croyde's ex sounds very sensible, rational and switched on - enough to find a live in child minder who doubles as a boyfriend, for example.
Sounds like a good deal all round
As a Stepfather whose wife's son lives with us we've been in court and the judge advised his father that maintenance is for the basic living costs
Rent/rates ( larger house needed?)
Heating
Lighting
Council tax
Clothing
Transport ( family car?)
Food
Basic Family holiday
School books etc
Extras such as costly school trips are not normally within this.
What about simple activities such as Scouts - £25 PCM
After school sports / swimming lessons etc could easily be another £50 PCM
His father seemed to think that the maintenance was solely for clothing, toys and treats for his son and therefore decided to stop paying which the judge advised him was not correct.
Never under estimate the cost of raising a child.
Those of us with children can look back and remember how little we earnt but seemingly had plenty of spending money!
Now earning probably four times what I was pre-children but seem to be permanently skint.
Wouldn't change a thing though :-)
Rent/rates ( larger house needed?)
Heating
Lighting
Council tax
Clothing
Transport ( family car?)
Food
Basic Family holiday
School books etc
Extras such as costly school trips are not normally within this.
What about simple activities such as Scouts - £25 PCM
After school sports / swimming lessons etc could easily be another £50 PCM
His father seemed to think that the maintenance was solely for clothing, toys and treats for his son and therefore decided to stop paying which the judge advised him was not correct.
Never under estimate the cost of raising a child.
Those of us with children can look back and remember how little we earnt but seemingly had plenty of spending money!
Now earning probably four times what I was pre-children but seem to be permanently skint.
Wouldn't change a thing though :-)
Carthage said:
More random PH misogyny.
Croyde's ex sounds very sensible, rational and switched on - enough to find a live in child minder who doubles as a boyfriend, for example.
Sounds like a good deal all round
Agreed and yes, typed in haste after memories of the "teething" period before me and ex found a good middle ground. Something I will always be nervous at loosing... It's just not worth it for the sake of £50-100 here and there. Croyde's ex sounds very sensible, rational and switched on - enough to find a live in child minder who doubles as a boyfriend, for example.
Sounds like a good deal all round
Threads like this 'boil my piss'.
I get fk all maintenance. Yet am more than amicable regarding access. I now work 40 hours a week, asked my ex if kids could perhaps walk to his after school one or two days a week for two hours max (he doesn't work) and I'd pick them up when I finish. He told our son "I'm not arranging my life around what your Mum wants to do".
Our youngest starts secondary school in September. New uniforms required (only available through school and bd expensive), going to cost me in excess of £400. I asked for merely £50 contribution. The answer is not a chance.
Please don't tar all ex partners/women with the SNWTs brush. She's getting more than a generous allowance. Lucky bh.
I get f
k all maintenance. Yet am more than amicable regarding access. I now work 40 hours a week, asked my ex if kids could perhaps walk to his after school one or two days a week for two hours max (he doesn't work) and I'd pick them up when I finish. He told our son "I'm not arranging my life around what your Mum wants to do". Our youngest starts secondary school in September. New uniforms required (only available through school and b
d expensive), going to cost me in excess of £400. I asked for merely £50 contribution. The answer is not a chance. Please don't tar all ex partners/women with the SNWTs brush. She's getting more than a generous allowance. Lucky b
h. Baryonyx said:
Tell the old trout to fk off and don't give her a penny more than you have to.
Stuff like this really fk off and don't give her a penny more than you have to.ks me off. These are his kids.... I am sure he doesn't want to see them in threadbare clothes, eating cheap crap food and missing out on school trips with their mates.
I know I wouldn't.
Having spent a fair stack of cash on new shoes, trainers, football boots, astro boots and school uniforms in the last few days, I know that £500 a month for three will some months cover everything, but other months get now where near.
Andehh said:
It pays for an amicable relationship with her, and peace of mind access to your kid.
Don't fool yourself into thinking it is 100% spent on your child...in the same way that when your child is throwing a strop at 2am on a Sunday morning you don't get woken up to help. We get the best bits - weekends and holidays and not the getting them ready for school and cleaning up before a long day at work. Don't kid yourself its all fair & even financially...there is more to it then that.
I ask - is she on her own looking after the three of them the majority of the time?
The only sensible answer is to sit down and explain to her you are struggling a bit yourself, with proof if necessary and ask her if there is anything else you can do to help her/children out. Washing? Cooking? Cancelling/selling/making calls on her behalf etc?
edit:k off when she next asks, but what do you think will happen when you next want to see the children, or fall ill and need to re-arrange it, or get called away on work and want to fit them in around that?
^^ This is excellent advice and the same attitude I have.Don't fool yourself into thinking it is 100% spent on your child...in the same way that when your child is throwing a strop at 2am on a Sunday morning you don't get woken up to help. We get the best bits - weekends and holidays and not the getting them ready for school and cleaning up before a long day at work. Don't kid yourself its all fair & even financially...there is more to it then that.
I ask - is she on her own looking after the three of them the majority of the time?
The only sensible answer is to sit down and explain to her you are struggling a bit yourself, with proof if necessary and ask her if there is anything else you can do to help her/children out. Washing? Cooking? Cancelling/selling/making calls on her behalf etc?
edit:
Baryonyx said:
Tell the old trout to fk off and don't give her a penny more than you have to.
No. Don't do this. This is being very very stupid & opening up a can of upset for everyone which YOU WILL LOOSE THE MOST and end up regretting it. Of course you can tell her to fk off and don't give her a penny more than you have to.k off when she next asks, but what do you think will happen when you next want to see the children, or fall ill and need to re-arrange it, or get called away on work and want to fit them in around that?Edited by Andehh on Saturday 23 August 17:30
I pay a fairly hefty monthly sum to my ex and we agreed when we split that I'd also pay half of any school trips/holidays. Sometimes I get a request to add £8 to the monthly payment because one of the kids has been on a 1 day trip that the school charged £16 for. This seems patty to me as it's such a small amount compared to the standard payment but that was the agreement so I pay it. She's sticking to her side and bringing the kids up through school and uni and mainly doing a decent job of it, and I pay her what we agreed. What she does with the money is really none of my business so long as the kids are fed and watered and get educated.
Gretchen said:
Threads like this 'boil my piss'.
I get fk all maintenance. Yet am more than amicable regarding access. I now work 40 hours a week, asked my ex if kids could perhaps walk to his after school one or two days a week for two hours max (he doesn't work) and I'd pick them up when I finish. He told our son "I'm not arranging my life around what your Mum wants to do".
Our youngest starts secondary school in September. New uniforms required (only available through school and bd expensive), going to cost me in excess of £400. I asked for merely £50 contribution. The answer is not a chance.
Please don't tar all ex partners/women with the SNWTs brush. She's getting more than a generous allowance. Lucky bh.
400 quid?!?!?!?! The school seem to have that wrapped up in a nice bow.I get f
k all maintenance. Yet am more than amicable regarding access. I now work 40 hours a week, asked my ex if kids could perhaps walk to his after school one or two days a week for two hours max (he doesn't work) and I'd pick them up when I finish. He told our son "I'm not arranging my life around what your Mum wants to do". Our youngest starts secondary school in September. New uniforms required (only available through school and b
d expensive), going to cost me in excess of £400. I asked for merely £50 contribution. The answer is not a chance. Please don't tar all ex partners/women with the SNWTs brush. She's getting more than a generous allowance. Lucky b
h. i have a friend who I see rarely but is generally an honest guy that made a mistake with an ex who fathered his children.. still with me? Well after a lengthy split she has pursued him through the CSA and he has paid her regularly for many years.
His belief is that it is supposed to go towards the upkeep of the child. As his ex is a habitual cannabis smoker, and the daughter in concern is always complaining that she never receives any form of useful funding for schooling or clothes etc, my friend has rung the CSA on several occasions asking, "Hello is this the Cannabis Support Agency?"
Sorry, a bit of a shaggy dog story that but made me chuckle
His belief is that it is supposed to go towards the upkeep of the child. As his ex is a habitual cannabis smoker, and the daughter in concern is always complaining that she never receives any form of useful funding for schooling or clothes etc, my friend has rung the CSA on several occasions asking, "Hello is this the Cannabis Support Agency?"
Sorry, a bit of a shaggy dog story that but made me chuckle
Searider said:
As a Stepfather whose wife's son lives with us we've been in court and the judge advised his father that maintenance is for the basic living costs
Rent/rates ( larger house needed?)
Heating
Lighting
Council tax
Clothing
Transport ( family car?)
Food
Basic Family holiday
School books etc
The Judge must have been an idiot then as council tax shouldn't count. If you are a single parent with children under 18 then you would get single person discount (25%) so you would pay that with or without children. If they have a partner living with them then they would pay the full amount, with or without children.Rent/rates ( larger house needed?)
Heating
Lighting
Council tax
Clothing
Transport ( family car?)
Food
Basic Family holiday
School books etc
Also, I don't see how a family holiday Is an essential, no one will perish if they don't have a holiday.
dazwalsh said:
400 quid?!?!?!?! The school seem to have that wrapped up in a nice bow.
Two boys, age 11 & 13. It's actually come to more than that factoring in shoes, trainers, football boots etc. They still need gum shields (think my dentist was charging £50 each last time) And I've been sneaky and not bought their compulsory trousers at £16 a pair...! (I'd need to purchase at least 6 pairs). Another thread. Another piss boiler. Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff