Affair - hating it but can't see to disconnect (help)

Affair - hating it but can't see to disconnect (help)

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Peskybear

Original Poster:

18 posts

182 months

Friday 12th September 2014
quotequote all
I am a regular user (hope this is ok mods? I will NOT use this login again for another other thread or topic).

A few years ago I started seeing a woman at a city company. It was fun. The illicit nature of the sex skewered my thinking (I'll comeback to this later).

Anyway- I was happy with my longterm partner but then started working for this company, alittled bored the flirting started and tbh it got out of hand and we became 'fk buddies'. An arrangement- the sex of course was amazing because of the nature. Of course it'd be more intense. It started skewering my thinking, making me think 'hey sex at home is ok but not as amazing as this'.

We got on well but outside of work we really didn't have anything in common. She doesn't like any sports, doesn't really have any interests, doesn't do anything active at all, just likes pub lunches and watching American TV. Anyway her partner left her and then the mental thoughts started. Should I leave my partner for her? The last few years have been utterly st, but I can't let her move on. The sex completely stopped months ago. Whenever we went out - it'd just be crap, food would be crap- its almost like every aspect is saying 'this is crap'. Yet for some reason I feel insanely jealous at the thought of her with someone else. I was a good person but now? I don't know- looking 'down'/into myself I just feel like a selfish possessive loser.

Tell me- talk to me. My best friend has already had a go at me.

Why can't I let it go? Anyone else been in the same situation?

Lesson- if you are the sensitive type NEVER enter an affair and/or fkbuddy set up.

MrBarry123

6,025 posts

120 months

Friday 12th September 2014
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Peskybear said:
She doesn't like any sports, doesn't really have any interests, doesn't do anything active at all, just likes pub lunches and watching American TV.
Sounds like she's on her way to becoming the largest land mammal?

Peskybear

Original Poster:

18 posts

182 months

Friday 12th September 2014
quotequote all
She doesn't really eat- thats how she stays slim. Its one of the things I don't like. My boss calls it 'people who don't have much about them'.

RobGT81

5,227 posts

185 months

Friday 12th September 2014
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The quicker you bin her off the better. You will stop thinking about her over time while you're smashing your Mrs back doors in.

longblackcoat

5,047 posts

182 months

Friday 12th September 2014
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Honestly?

You were fk buddies, and now you don't fk. You don't seem to have much in common.

You have a partner at home who, I assume, you were once happy with. Are you still happy with her?

It's time to grow up and make your mind up - choose one, choose the other, or choose neither. But you can't choose both.

900T-R

20,404 posts

256 months

Friday 12th September 2014
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longblackcoat said:
Honestly?

You were fk buddies, and now you don't fk. You don't seem to have much in common.
yes I must say it does sound like a no brainer.

Jabbah

1,331 posts

153 months

Friday 12th September 2014
quotequote all
Peskybear said:
Should I leave my partner for her? The last few years have been utterly st, but I can't let her move on. The sex completely stopped months ago. Whenever we went out - it'd just be crap, food would be crap- its almost like every aspect is saying 'this is crap'. Yet for some reason I feel insanely jealous at the thought of her with someone else.
I take it you switched to describing the situation between you and your long term partner here? No you shouldn't leave your partner for your fk buddy because it won't last. You should leave your partner because your relationship is crap and you've had an affair. It is hard to let a long term partner go because of the deep emotional attachment caused by being with someone for so long, it's not love necessarily. On the other hand if you really want to stay with your long term partner then stop fking around, talk through your issues, maybe get some counselling and make a proper go of it. Just don't put off the inevitable, you'll hurt people more in the long run.

julian64

14,317 posts

253 months

Friday 12th September 2014
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You are misuing the word sensitive.

Sensitive people tend to put other peoples feeling first. They also tend not to hold themselves in high regard.

Two problems you don't seem to have while to go riding forth trying to have your cake and eat it. I suspect you are making two peoples lives miserable, and the only comments you can muster on a forum are how its affecting you.

If I was your mate I'd probably have sat you down for a frank talk about what a dick you are being.

Impasse

15,099 posts

240 months

Friday 12th September 2014
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This is the sort of subject you can only discuss with someone you trust. Have you tried talking with your missus about how your feelings have changed towards this other woman? I suspect she could empathise.

226bhp

10,203 posts

127 months

Friday 12th September 2014
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RobGT81 said:
You will stop thinking about her over time while you're smashing your Mrs back doors in.
Not really.

ILoveMondeo

9,614 posts

225 months

Friday 12th September 2014
quotequote all
900T-R said:
longblackcoat said:
Honestly?

You were fk buddies, and now you don't fk. You don't seem to have much in common.
yes I must say it does sound like a no brainer.
I "think" that the sex with his long term partner has dried up, not the fk buddy... and he's struggling to let his partner move on (by dumping her)...

I may have got the wrong end of the love triangle though....

Peskybear

Original Poster:

18 posts

182 months

Friday 12th September 2014
quotequote all
Add this into the mix- a couple of years ago my daughter was born. Sex at home stopped of course and we were always tired. This woman gave me the escape I guess.

The crux is - its never been right with this woman but I can't let go. WHY? Why am I being possessive, its possessiveness right?

It'd never work- I thought to myself if I wasn't with my partner would I be with this woman? No, not longterm. She doesn't even drink water FFS- all she drinks are sugary drinks/fizzy pop. Everything about her annoys me. Yet when I'm in the same room as her I feel horny as hell.

HELP - slap me for fks sake. Anyone else been in this sort of position? I hate it.

Yes we still work with each other. A new job at the moment isn't possible.

sc0tt

18,032 posts

200 months

Friday 12th September 2014
quotequote all
Peskybear said:
Add this into the mix- a couple of years ago my daughter was born. Sex at home stopped of course and we were always tired. This woman gave me the escape I guess.

The crux is - its never been right with this woman but I can't let go. WHY? Why am I being possessive, its possessiveness right?

It'd never work- I thought to myself if I wasn't with my partner would I be with this woman? No, not longterm. She doesn't even drink water FFS- all she drinks are sugary drinks/fizzy pop. Everything about her annoys me. Yet when I'm in the same room as her I feel horny as hell.

HELP - slap me for fks sake. Anyone else been in this sort of position? I hate it.

Yes we still work with each other. A new job at the moment isn't possible.
Crux of it is, You need a new job. You need to move on. You are a jealous person. Nothing wrong with that but take notice.

You only get one go, stop making other people happy.

GTIR

24,741 posts

265 months

Friday 12th September 2014
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Think of how this will effect your daughter if you split.

Don't be an arse and grow up. You're a father.

Speak to your missus. Work through it. yes








(Get one last shag of skinny bint first though)

Studio117

4,250 posts

190 months

Friday 12th September 2014
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I'm quite surprised that the lynch mob hasn't turned up yet.


Peskybear

Original Poster:

18 posts

182 months

Friday 12th September 2014
quotequote all
Abuse me ffs. I need a slap. I actually like sleeping with my partner. I just can't understand why I'm treating(?) this woman as a possession? Why can't I break free?

Why the dark thoughts? The knife in the heart feeling even though I pushed and pushed (acted a nob etc) for her to break it off?

schmalex

13,616 posts

205 months

Friday 12th September 2014
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You're a father now, with a child you loves you unconditionally. Talk to your wife about your intimacy issues. Get someone to babysit your child and take your wife out on a date. Focus on building the relationship between you and your wife.

The more you keep focusing on a relationship that can't and won't work, the more you will be destroying the relationship that can work and has been proven to work.

In short. A fk buddy without the fk is just a buddy. If you don't even get on together, there is nothing left.

boobles

15,241 posts

214 months

Friday 12th September 2014
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I just hope the poor girl at home has sussed you out & is shagging everything that moves!

Go sort it out with her & grow a pair & be honest to her! Does she deserve this? I suspect NO.

captainzep

13,305 posts

191 months

Friday 12th September 2014
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Studio117 said:
I'm quite surprised that the lynch mob hasn't turned up yet.
There might be some vocal critics queuing up. There's also a silent herd of us passing by who glance at this kind of self-obsession and don't waste another second even contemplating empathy.

Hugo a Gogo

23,378 posts

232 months

Friday 12th September 2014
quotequote all
dump the bit on the side, make up with the wife, make sure your daughter's small household pets are safely locked up and away from the kitchen