Relationship falling apart

Relationship falling apart

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funkyrobot

Original Poster:

18,789 posts

227 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
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I know we've had lots of these type of threads on here before. However, here's mine. I've summarised it so people don't get bored reading it.

First baby born 7 weeks ago in traumatic circumstances. Mum and baby ill. Fast forward to today and both are doing fine, but mum and dad not getting on.

Since baby has been born, we argue a lot. We have fallen out twice this week and had a big bust up tonight. This one was caused by my fiancée taking over a bottle feed.

This week isn't the only one that has seen arguments. I'm pretty sure we have fallen out multiple times every week since they left hospital 5 weeks ago.

I hate it. I'm not a m horrible person and hate conflict. I hate the thought of the baby seeing us argue and I hate the thought of any of us being upset by each other. I care deeply and it's tearing me up inside.

Practically, I know that we need to have a serious talk. Trouble is, we're both knackered (me through baby and work and fiancée through being a full time mum). I also know that we can't be together if we make each other miserable.

If the worst comes to the worst and we split, we have a house to sell. We aren't married so at least there will be no messy divorce. I guess the issue will be our little daughter as I would hate it to get messy with her.

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

It's terrible to think that our baby will have separated parents. However, I don't want to subject her to witnessing her mum and dad falling out.

In relation to my fiancée, I don't know what to think. My thoughts around how I feel about her are perilously numb.

Thanks all.

hornetrider

63,161 posts

204 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
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What's causing you to argue? Immediately after birth is probably one of the most stressful times of your life. It's all hands to the pump.

RDMcG

19,093 posts

206 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
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It is a very stressful period, having a new baby, and certainly we are all socialized into thinking that we are overcome with waves of joy when the baby arrives. It is not always the case and not because there is anything wrong with the parents. My only advice is to give it time, and let things settle down a bit. Also , Mum is likely very exhausted with the newness and responsibility. You might want to seek a bit of counselling, but my sense is to hang in there and to be very sensitive to mood changes and to avoid responding to a row, or of course, to starting one.
It is a very big event, and in time, hopefully it will become less of a strain and more of a joy.

Sheets Tabuer

18,895 posts

214 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
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She's tired and stressed, she doesn't have time to deal with you, either help or stay out the way but for the love of god don't claim after 7 weeks its going south!

She'll be back to you in 6 or 12 months.

Birdster

2,529 posts

142 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
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Sorry to hear this. It's late so I'm not sure how much advice you'll receive, but I'll try.

It sounds like a traumatic time for all involved.

Firstly, how did you both feel before the pregnancy and birth? Has this forced open cracks that were already there? Or is this just a rocky path?

This is not a dig at your manhood, or anything, but have you been there for her and supportive? Maybe with her hornmones and emotions all over the place you have to take some of her comments and moods on the chin? Has she not left the babies side? Is she taking too much on, not coping well with baby and then taking it out on you?

I promise that I'm not having a dig, im just trying to piece together the situation. The one person she probably feels stres with is the baby, but for obvious reasons doesn't take it out on the baby, but the other close person in her life. Does your fiancé have support with childcare, people taking her out for coffee?

Also, are you taking too much on? Have you got someone to help you? Or are you stressed at work? Working overtime and coming home and then being up all night with your child?

It might not be anyone's fault, but a few changes may be needed.


Edited by Birdster on Saturday 18th October 00:14

funkyrobot

Original Poster:

18,789 posts

227 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
quotequote all
hornetrider said:
What's causing you to argue? Immediately after birth is probably one of the most stressful times of your life. It's all hands to the pump.
Anything and everything I'm afraid. Tonight was because I was doing a feed and it wasn't going too great. Fiancée wanted to take the bottle off me and do it herself. I do loads of feeds and it's not like I don't know what I'm doing.

It seems that anything that causes the slightest bit of trouble sets us off.

She took our baby and stayed at her parent's house last Saturday. I had to do some work from home and she just arranged for her dad to come and pick her up.

I just don't seem to be able to do much right at the moment.

Oh yes. I've been slightly late home from work the last few days and she had a pop about that. Apparently, I'm avoiding coming home which is rubbish.

I'm shrugging my shoulders as I type this. Bizarre.

One more. The engagement ring was torn off and thrown across the floor two weeks ago. It's back on now, but that wasn't good.

Blown2CV

28,695 posts

202 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
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you don't need to have a serious talk, you need to step back from it and realise that it's the stress of the new baby, adjustment to that etc. It will be hard, it always is.

hornetrider

63,161 posts

204 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
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I checked your posting history as it rang a bell and I remember posting on your thread last month. Here's what I wrote.

hornetrider said:
Dude. Kind word of advice - time to mtfu and do what needs to be done. No more whining.
I'm going to be honest, I have a two year old btw. Your last thread sounded very whiny and you seemed to be stressing out over stuff you really ought not to be stressing about. In my opinion you need to chill the fk out, sorry to be harsh. If what you post is a reflection of how you are dealing with your Mrs I'm not surprised there are rows.

Whilst you are finding your way the best thing is to go along with what mum wants to do. She had a traumatic birth and all she needs is support. Let her organise and take control if she wants but offer to do stuff for her to take a load off her. Time for a bit of self sacrifice.

funkyrobot

Original Poster:

18,789 posts

227 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
quotequote all
Sheets Tabuer said:
She's tired and stressed, she doesn't have time to deal with you, either help or stay out the way but for the love of god don't claim after 7 weeks its going south!

She'll be back to you in 6 or 12 months.
I do help. I do all I can. It was if she didn't want me to help tonight.

I just don't think I can do anything right at the moment. I've manned up and am being a dad. Whether I'm being the right dad or not is another matter. I love my daughter and spend as much time with her as I possibly can.

hornetrider

63,161 posts

204 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
quotequote all
funkyrobot said:
Anything and everything I'm afraid. Tonight was because I was doing a feed and it wasn't going too great. Fiancée wanted to take the bottle off me and do it herself. I do loads of feeds and it's not like I don't know what I'm doing.

It seems that anything that causes the slightest bit of trouble sets us off.
fk me. If she does that, here's what you do. Smile. Say good idea. Give her the fking bottle. Offer to make a cup of tea. Job fking jobbed.

Trouble my arse.

funkyrobot

Original Poster:

18,789 posts

227 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
quotequote all
hornetrider said:
I checked your posting history as it rang a bell and I remember posting on your thread last month. Here's what I wrote.

hornetrider said:
Dude. Kind word of advice - time to mtfu and do what needs to be done. No more whining.
I'm going to be honest, I have a two year old btw. Your last thread sounded very whiny and you seemed to be stressing out over stuff you really ought not to be stressing about. In my opinion you need to chill the fk out, sorry to be harsh. If what you post is a reflection of how you are dealing with your Mrs I'm not surprised there are rows.

Whilst you are finding your way the best thing is to go along with what mum wants to do. She had a traumatic birth and all she needs is support. Let her organise and take control if she wants but offer to do stuff for her to take a load off her. Time for a bit of self sacrifice.
Yes it was whiny and I took the advice that was given.

I have chilled out. I've stopped the silliness and tried to be a good dad. I had issues that I addressed.

However, the relationship my fiancée and I have has been terrible of late.

mart 63

2,068 posts

243 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
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Young people today!fking man up!!!

funkyrobot

Original Poster:

18,789 posts

227 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
quotequote all
Birdster - we have support. We have parents who live locally.

Things have been fine up until a few weeks ago.

Work is tiring, but so is being a full time mum. smile

funkyrobot

Original Poster:

18,789 posts

227 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
quotequote all
mart 63 said:
Young people today!fking man up!!!
Yes, young people. We've never experienced rationing or the lingering terror of a night-time bombing raid. We've never huddled down in a tin shack, hoping that the next whistle isn't the bomb with our name on it.

We've never experienced the threat of a nuclear war. Never seen the adverts telling you to don a makeshift mask and hide under the table.

We've never experienced mass power cuts and think a five day working week is the norm.

We don't experience relationship issues because we all have sex before marriage and don't appreciate the taboo that is divorce.

We spend all day moaning about the battery life of our smartphones and face really trivial, first world problems.

We've never had it so fking easy. Why should we complain?

Young people of today eh. rolleyes

Ari

19,328 posts

214 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
quotequote all
funkyrobot said:
Things have been fine up until a few weeks ago.
And what changed a few weeks ago..?

funkyrobot

Original Poster:

18,789 posts

227 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
quotequote all
Ari said:
And what changed a few weeks ago..?
Our lives. smile

Baryonyx

17,990 posts

158 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
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Go out and do fun things. It just sounds like she needs tine to settle into her new role as a wife and housekeeper. Enjoy some well deserved time to yourself.

funkyrobot

Original Poster:

18,789 posts

227 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
quotequote all
hornetrider said:
fk me. If she does that, here's what you do. Smile. Say good idea. Give her the fking bottle. Offer to make a cup of tea. Job fking jobbed.

Trouble my arse.
I wanted to feed my little girl and give my fiancée a rest. What was wrong with that?

funkyrobot

Original Poster:

18,789 posts

227 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
quotequote all
hornetrider said:
fk me. If she does that, here's what you do. Smile. Say good idea. Give her the fking bottle. Offer to make a cup of tea. Job fking jobbed.

Trouble my arse.
I wanted to feed my little girl and give my fiancée a rest. What was wrong with that?

Dan_1981

17,351 posts

198 months

Saturday 18th October 2014
quotequote all
7 weeks since a difficult birth?

Suck it up. Get used to it.

Things will never be the same again.

Do not down tools and run off at this stage.