Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[Pit Pony]

B17NNS said:

You deserve someone who DOES love you. Don't waste energy on someone who doesn't.

By all means be amicable and respect her decision and her honesty but it's time to strap a pair on.

Dig deep and find your self respect. Organise an amicable separation and move on.

Happened to me (hasn't it happened to most?). A mate said to me when I was going through it, what advice would you give to me if I were in your position?

What advice would you give to a friend if he were in the same boat?

Life is short. You both deserve happiness. Go find yours.

Good luck

Edited by B17NNS on Saturday 22 November 23:17

It might be that she does love him, but he's become a boring bd. I always advise a viewing of "Shirley Valentine" to get things in perpective.

My wife once said this to me, and I mentioned this to my Dad. He said "Well you don't actually ever buy her flowers, or take her out, or go anywhere interesting with her" Some years later we are still married. Happily too.

[TheLordJohn]

It annoys me that it always seems to be the man who has to keep rekindling the flame in a marriage.
Marriage is a two way thing, why should the bloke give 75% and the woman 25%.
If I thought my wife wasn't pulling her weight, I'd be speaking to her about it and getting it sorted.

[Pommygranite]

B17NNS said:

My wife once said this to me, and I mentioned this to my Dad. He said "Well you don't actually ever buy her flowers, or take her out, or go anywhere interesting with her" Some years later we are still married. Happily too.

Funny how its the guy who has to make the 'romantic' effort and no one ever asks the woman - 'what have you done for him lately?'

Bought him a case of his favourite beer/wine?

Made him his favourite meal, set his favourite film up and enjoyed a night in together?

Bought tickets to his favourite hobby/race/concert for him to enjoy with his mate?

Set up a romantic night where its all about him?

[StuntmanMike]

TheLordJohn said:

It annoys me that it always seems to be the man who has to keep rekindling the flame in a marriage.
Marriage is a two way thing, why should the bloke give 75% and the woman 25%.
If I thought my wife wasn't pulling her weight, I'd be speaking to her about it and getting it sorted.

It's not, HTH.

[9mm]

Joey Deacon said:

PAUL500 said:

Amen to that, I was so lucky my mum could put me up, put everything into the house, judge awarded me just 28% as she quit her job just before the hearing and said she could not get a mortgage and used my kids against me.

This is exactly what will happen to me. She doesn't earn very much so even if we sold the house and split the equity 50/50 there is no way she could get another mortgage. My best hope is to get her to agree to stay in the house until the kids are 18 and then split it 50/50. She has already told me that friends of hers have already suggested she would be better off not working at all.

She is a very manipulative and lying person so would do anything to get what she wants. Only thing that goes against her is that our fixed mortgage rate ends in August next year so we may not be able to afford it anyway. No idea what happens in that situation.

My parents have offered to buy her out cash but she is having none of it.

Seems the woman's fantasy of moving the husband out and the boyfriend in is a common one.

My only real hope is that once the divorce is final my parents can give me a deposit to buy my own place. I am actually very pleased I never really bothered with a pension as she would be entitled to that too.

The link that someone else provided earlier in the thread regarding affairs gives a very good insight into what actually happens.

Once someone's head is turned they become incredibly devious and cold-hearted. You will become the villain of the piece and the new interest will represent everything that is good in the opposite sex. Even the most emotional person (note that I'm not pointing the finger at one sex) suddenly becomes very good at planning things, including the best way to get rid of you and keep hold of most of everything else. I saw someone I thought I knew, totally transform in the space of weeks, and I can completely understand how some people who are really devastated by what is happening can be badly manipulated. Fortunately I fought back and I can still recall her astonishment that things weren't going to plan.

[B17NNS]

Pommygranite said:

B17NNS said:

My wife once said this to me, and I mentioned this to my Dad. He said "Well you don't actually ever buy her flowers, or take her out, or go anywhere interesting with her" Some years later we are still married. Happily too.

Funny how its the guy who has to make the 'romantic' effort and no one ever asks the woman - 'what have you done for him lately?'

Bought him a case of his favourite beer/wine?

Made him his favourite meal, set his favourite film up and enjoyed a night in together?

Bought tickets to his favourite hobby/race/concert for him to enjoy with his mate?

Set up a romantic night where its all about him?

I didn't say that

And yes, I absolutely agree with you.

[menousername]

Joey Deacon said:

This is exactly what will happen to me. She doesn't earn very much so even if we sold the house and split the equity 50/50 there is no way she could get another mortgage. My best hope is to get her to agree to stay in the house until the kids are 18 and then split it 50/50. She has already told me that friends of hers have already suggested she would be better off not working at all.

She is a very manipulative and lying person so would do anything to get what she wants. Only thing that goes against her is that our fixed mortgage rate ends in August next year so we may not be able to afford it anyway. No idea what happens in that situation.

My parents have offered to buy her out cash but she is having none of it.

Seems the woman's fantasy of moving the husband out and the boyfriend in is a common one.

My only real hope is that once the divorce is final my parents can give me a deposit to buy my own place. I am actually very pleased I never really bothered with a pension as she would be entitled to that too.

what are her intentions? she doesn't want the cash and cant afford a mortgage?

so she wants to stay there and you pay 100% ?

[Ari]

Joey Deacon said:

This is exactly what will happen to me. She doesn't earn very much so even if we sold the house and split the equity 50/50 there is no way she could get another mortgage. My best hope is to get her to agree to stay in the house until the kids are 18 and then split it 50/50.

I'm sure she'll agree it.

Whether she'll actually do it once the kids are eighteen...

[Hasbeen]

If you can handle paying the mortgage, maintenance & child support until the kids leave home, you will get half the value your home back, by selling it then. A lawyer acquaintance has worked that for a few who could afford to pay that much & still live.

I'm with Pommygranite here. If she wasn't coming to me offering, as often as I go to her, I'd be out of there quick time.

I have seen all too often the lady has settled for the best she could get. There was no great love there, ever. Some affection perhaps, but not love. I have seen them, after being used & thrown out by some hot shot love them & leave them bloke, they grab Mr reliable, good enough, nice guy to support her as she has HER kids.

If you have to buy her flowers, dinner, & get her half drunk before she wants to sleep with you, you are a mister good enough, & it is time, right now, to get the hell out of there. Yep, run just as fast as you can. The longer you stay, the more it is going to cost when they chuck you out.

It will cost you money & heartache, when it comes. I've seen so many men that thought they were happily married, right up until the axe fell. They weren't getting much sex, but still thought they were happy.

Wolfer you've been had. Get out now, with as much of your earned wealth as you can. Even at 36 it is hard to start again with nothing, & become comfortable before retirement.

[Ari]

Hasbeen said:

I have seen all too often the lady has settled for the best she could get. There was no great love there, ever. Some affection perhaps, but not love. I have seen them, after being used & thrown out by some hot shot love them & leave them bloke, they grab Mr reliable, good enough, nice guy to support her as she has HER kids.

As frequently seen on Facebook. Loads of photos of her, loads of photos of Dear Son/Dear Daughter, photos of friends, family, the dog, this morning's breakfast, the new settee. But the husband? Nah, why would she have photos of him on there?

Always remember seeing my mate (the one who's wife left him despite there being no one else, then by astonishing coincidence met a much wealthier man 30 seconds after they split). He was in her MINI convertible with her and their two kids, roof down, whizzing along.

She was driving, he was stuck in the back...

[Wolfer]

Small update,

Definitely over. She isn't depressed, as work etc is all fine, just how she feels about me.

Spent quite an emotional evening going through everything tonight, going to start ebaying all our furniture tomorrow, get a skip ordered for junk / nik-naks etc (20 years of accumulating!) Telling my family tomorrow.

She suggested staying as we are in the house as friends, but I really can't face that.

Dogs will go with her, going to be hassle with banks, credit cards etc as everything has been joint for nearly all those 20 years.

My concern is for her at the moment, she hasn't much in the way of friends, as we have been inseparable since 16, so we were pretty much our only friends, and I have quite a large family, she does not.

Thanks for listening

[Pommygranite]

Wolfer said:

My concern is for her at the moment, she hasn't much in the way of friends, as we have been inseparable since 16, so we were pretty much our only friends, and I have quite a large family, she does not.

Thanks for listening

Completely disagree - you should be concerned about you first and her second. She didn't start this concerned about you first - in fact her wanting to stay in the house together is her thinking about what's best for her not you.

Don't pander to her emotions. Be polite, decent and follow your own moral code but act like she's a housemate now not an ex of 20 yrs.

[RobinBanks]

Wolfer said:

Small update,

Definitely over. She isn't depressed, as work etc is all fine, just how she feels about me.

Spent quite an emotional evening going through everything tonight, going to start ebaying all our furniture tomorrow, get a skip ordered for junk / nik-naks etc (20 years of accumulating!) Telling my family tomorrow.

She suggested staying as we are in the house as friends, but I really can't face that.

Dogs will go with her, going to be hassle with banks, credit cards etc as everything has been joint for nearly all those 20 years.

My concern is for her at the moment, she hasn't much in the way of friends, as we have been inseparable since 16, so we were pretty much our only friends, and I have quite a large family, she does not.

Thanks for listening

I'm sorry to hear that, but please think about yourself first. It'll be hard enough without working for her.

[grumbledoak]

Wolfer said:

She suggested staying as we are in the house as friends, ...

She is pretty clearly thinking of herself, in that house. Without you. Get it sold and split the proceeds before she stars getting advice!

It's a shame, but when it's over, it's over.

[anonymous-user]

As has been already stated, worry about yourself and not her. You didn't want this, she did, so she has been planning her exit strategy for a long time. It's all about damage limitation now, you should be trying to come away from this with as much as you possibly can. Although it might seem all amicable now I promise you it will get nasty once money comes into it. I would imagine that once she starts talking to family/friends/solicitor she will be trying to work out a way to keep the house.

Get her to agree to sell the house before she has a chance to think about it. Otherwise you will be living in a bedsit and sitting on plastic garden furniture while she moves her boyfriend in.

I would bet money a new boyfriend appears within seconds of you splitting up..... Just out of interest has she put a lock code on her phone or never lets it out of her sight? Has she joined a gym or bought a load of new clothes? Has she started going out with some new friends? How long ago did the sex stop?

Does she work? If not you will be hearing the words "Keep her in the lifestyle she has become accustomed to" from her solicitor.

I would imagine she is very excited about her new life and doesn't really care about how you feel right now.

My Ex was also 36 when she dropped the "I am not happy bombshell" so it seems a pretty common age for this to happen. I think the main reason is they are thinking they need to do it now while they still have their looks.

Can I advise anybody who is thinking of getting married to read this story and think long and hard about what they are doing. Also don't think it won't happen to your "snookums" as that is what every man thinks.

Edited by anonymous-user on Wednesday 26th November 05:06

[lord trumpton]

Its sad to read some of these stories; especially as there is a lot of financial involvement too.

A general vibe seems to be that the woman just suddenly goes off the bloke and makes an announcement. I feel that in a lot of cases its more of a case of people drifting apart, not recognising this and then one tends to speak up.

I think we as blokes need to make the effort you know. I don't mean spoil her with material st, just perhaps be more in tune with her life - no matter how trivial or boring it may be.

When my wife returns from work (NHS Surgeon) she wants to tell me about st that she has faced in clinic or whatever - this is usually around the same time as the children want their dinner and I need a coffee etc etc. but if I pretend to understand, and act interested it makes her feel better. Now, to me thats just one example of how important communication is within a relationship.

I honestly feel if you are both open, brutally honest and talk about absolutely everything - stuff you enjoy and little things you find annoying etc then you will either have a great relationship or find out early enough you are not right for eachother.

Guys - Always talk to her. Don't try and be the man all the time. Let feelings flow. Don't keep things from her. If you find this st too much like hard work then you are setting yourself up for a fail.

I went through some st in my mid twenties and learned from it - I'd hate to go through it now I am 40 with our children and property in the mix. I'll do whatever it takes to keep life together.

[grumbledoak]

lord trumpton said:

I think we as blokes need to make the effort you know...

The only thing reading internet threads teaches us, is that reading internet threads teaches us nothing.

[boxst]

Is she your wife or girlfriend? If wife, then definitely do as mentioned above: separate finances and go into damage limitation mode especially with the house. If you are the higher earner, put more towards the mortgage then again make sure that this is documented and you have it should you need it when any financial discussions happen.

I hope this is peaceful for you, but generally as soon as the financial impact is realised it gets nasty.

[Crush]

At least you were told in English. My ex was French (living in France, I was about 70 miles away from her playing rugby) and told me "Je t'aime plus" which I mistakingly translated in my early days of French to "I love you more" rather than "not anymore"

Felt a bit of a tool turning up with a bunch of flowers to receive a mouth full of abuse from her and the "male friend" a day later

[singlecoil]

grumbledoak said:

lord trumpton said:

I think we as blokes need to make the effort you know...

The only thing reading internet threads teaches us, is that reading internet threads teaches us nothing.

Your post is not always true, but would stand on its own. But since you quoted another poster your post must relate to what he said in some way and presumably means something?