Daughter ostracised at school

Daughter ostracised at school

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macp

Original Poster:

4,058 posts

182 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
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Dear all

For months now our 14yr old daughter has asked us to stay out of it but when asked how is school her stories are heartbreaking.Its not outright bullying but constant psychological games and digs.The group she has attached herself to will make plans for the weekend, skating and a sleepover ensuring she can hear them but never invite her to join them.Pick fights with her for no reason but the icing on the cake came when they told her to leave the group because she was making them sad.We caught her sobbing in her bedroom last night because she said the one person in the group she thought was a true friend told her this was no longer true and further told her that her loyalties now lay with the group.Our daughter told us that she was able to cope with the others because she thought she had the friendship of this girl to support her.

She goes to an all girl school and is an only child so quite mature for her age.She does tend to attach herself to someone she feels is a friend and gives them everything rather than mixing with everyone which I think is adding to the problem although the behaviour of the group is not excusable.She tells us that everyone has joined a group and that she is alone.She tried to join another group but was told she was not welcome.

We have spoken with the school and they are trying to help but short of wrapping her up in cotton wool & going in and kicking the living daylights out of these spoilt uncaring and manipulative girls we dont quite know what to do for the best.

andymc

7,334 posts

206 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
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I have girls of 11 and 14 and can sympathisize, any outside interests?

Baryonyx

17,990 posts

158 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
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She shouldn't worry about it, she'll be finished school soon and will likely see very little of the people she met there once she goes. In the meantime, she could occupy herself by studying or reading, perhaps?

HTP99

22,441 posts

139 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
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Tough one, I have daughters; 15 and 22 and fortunately they have gone through school fine and have/have had good and solid friendship groups so I'm afraid I have nothing constructive to suggest, only that girls can be horrible, horrible bhes sometimes.

I should imagine your daughters only true friend; who has now told her that she no longer wants to be her friend, is probably quite insecure and prefers strength in numbers, it has probably been suggested by the leader of the group that she should look at her loyalties; it is either her or us, so she has gone for what she see's as the safer option due to her insecurity, I wouldn't be surprised if they start on her.

Such a hard thing for you to work through and I hope that something gets sorted soon.

FrankAbagnale

1,700 posts

111 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
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A lot of my friends went to all girls schools and their stories are as brutal, and i've heard so many it seems to be common place.

I'm not sure if it is an "all girls" environment that is the catalyst for the psychological bullying - but there seems to be some connection. Everything you have described I have heard from friends, and worse. Girls appear to be so much more devious and brutal than the age equivalent boys.

I know the above doesn't help you in your situation, but I would be very surprised if the school hasn't dealt with this exact thing before.

I have a 12 yr old sister and the thought of her being bullied to tears makes me equally sad and angry. Hope you get it sorted.

NormalWisdom

2,139 posts

158 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
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Having seen this happen to my daughter about 7 years ago (the subsequent fallout would make for a rather large novel) I can sympathise. Girls at that age can be extremely nasty and manipulative, I was absolutely horrified at the depths to which they would stoop to effect their emotional bullying.

You as a parent need to be on the doorstep of the school every day pressurising them to deal with it (it is their responsibility), teachers have a duty of care but, unfortunately, schools do not like being tarnished with the "bullying brush", doesn't help with getting the intake numbers up - I didn't (work came first which in hindsight was a totally wrong call) and my daughter became "unsalvageable".

hornetrider

63,161 posts

204 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
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Baryonyx said:
She shouldn't worry about it, she'll be finished school soon and will likely see very little of the people she met there once she goes. In the meantime, she could occupy herself by studying or reading, perhaps?
Marvellous rolleyes

Mr Trophy

6,808 posts

202 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
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Baryonyx said:
She shouldn't worry about it, she'll be finished school soon and will likely see very little of the people she met there once she goes. In the meantime, she could occupy herself by studying or reading, perhaps?
Sorry, what a ridiculous comment to make.

OP, take the bull by the horns and speak to the school. At 14, she should be loving life and enjoying her school before she gets out in the big bad world. Nip it in the bud before it continues.

WinstonWolf

72,857 posts

238 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
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Baryonyx said:
She shouldn't worry about it, she'll be finished school soon and will likely see very little of the people she met there once she goes. In the meantime, she could occupy herself by studying or reading, perhaps?
How many daughters do you have?

Pickled Piper

6,334 posts

234 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
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OP this is bullying. This is exactly how girls do it. You have done the right thing in contacting the school. I would be pushing them to see what else they can do about it.

Your daughter is being picked on because she is seen as not fitting in with the group, she may be too clever, not clever enough, too popular, not popular enough etc. There will be one or two girls that lead the bullying and then the rest of the group will join in for fear of being ostracised themselves.

You can provide support for your daughter, as someone else posted, help her enjoy activities outside the school and stress to her it is not her fault. She needs to link up with an alternative group of friends inside and outside school.

The school will be very familiar with this type of bullying. They can take action to break up the group just by changing timetables etc. They can also keep an eye to make sure the bullying does not step up a level.

Good luck

pp



Edited by Pickled Piper on Tuesday 3rd March 11:15

Vaud

50,284 posts

154 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
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Try to get her into some other hobbies/clubs - maybe outside of school to change the circle?

Problem with school is it can be a bit all encompassing. Sports tend to be school, clubs tend to be school, same groups, same faces, some small minded cliques.

PulsatingStar

1,715 posts

247 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
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Mr Trophy said:
Sorry, what a ridiculous comment to make.

OP, take the bull by the horns and speak to the school. At 14, she should be loving life and enjoying her school before she gets out in the big bad world. Nip it in the bud before it continues.
It might be true though. What exactly can the school do? Any sign of talking to the school can just make things worse. I wasnt really bullied at school but wasnt in any popular groups either. I left school, and never saw any of them again. Still friends with most of the people I worked with at my part time job when I was 15 though.

WestyCarl

3,217 posts

124 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
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Involve the school, recently we've had a similar-ish situation.

Tried to solve it ourselves for 2-3 weeks, but failed, they went in with Daughter and asked the school's help (didn't complain), they were great. All the time spoke to my daughter (not us) and it now seems resolved

WestyCarl

3,217 posts

124 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
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PulsatingStar said:
It might be true though. What exactly can the school do? Any sign of talking to the school can just make things worse. I wasnt really bullied at school but wasnt in any popular groups either. I left school, and never saw any of them again. Still friends with most of the people I worked with at my part time job when I was 15 though.
School's usually have many different strategies they can try. They are much more subtle and clever at dealing with this stuff compared to when I went to school. The victim was then labelled a "grass" and really became a victim eek

Vaud

50,284 posts

154 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
quotequote all
Pickled Piper said:
OP this is bullying. This is exactly how girls do it. You have done the right thing in contacting the school. I would be pushing them to see what else they can do about it.

Your daughter is being picked on because she is seen as not fitting in with the group, she may be too clever, not clever enough, too popular, not popular enough etc. There will be one or two girls that lead the bullying and then the rest of the group will join in for fear of being ostracised themselves.

You can provide support for your daughter, as someone else posted, help her enjoy activities outside the school and stress to her it is not her fault. She needs to link up with an alternative group of friends inside and outside school.

The school will be very familiar with this type of bullying. They can take action to break up the group just by changing timetables etc. They can also keep an eye to make sure the bullying does not step up a level.

Good luck

pp
I'm not sure I agree that is bullying.

Girls have cliques and excluding some members, changing friends, probably boyfriends next seems "normal". If they call her names, taunt her, stalk her on FB, etc, that crosses a line. But saying "you can't be in our gang and we are doing lots of things that you aren't invited to" is harsh, but not bullying.

In this case what can the school do?

Friends have commented that single-sex schools seem to be worse. I think only children do find it harder as well (tend to be more adult more quickly?). I agree on the outside of school activities though.




FrankAbagnale

1,700 posts

111 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
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I would say it is bullying. The other girls are using a pack mentality or being orchestrated by a person of greater influence to single out one individual (OPs daughter) with the purpose of intimidating them or making them feel excluded.

That is very different to just not inviting them to parties, or not hanging out with her.

croyde

22,699 posts

229 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
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I have had similar problems with my daughter, now 15. She has one great friend that sticks by her but it means problems getting her to school if her friend is off sick. She depends on her so much. I dread the day when her friend gets a boyfriend.

My daughter's anxiety is now so bad that she has had counseling and will be seeing a psychiatrist.

Funny thing is that she is suddenly into going to gigs and says she feels happy in those crowded situations which she would normally run a mile from. She says that it's because everyone at the venue has a common interest. We are seeing some rock band next week.

OP is there something you can do together that will have people around her age group attending?

ali_kat

31,988 posts

220 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
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frown

This sounds exactly like my school days, but I was lucky that it was a mixed comp & I had grown up with some of the boys, so I wasn't quite so alone. That was actually the problem I found out years later. The girls had crushes on my friends & were nasty to me cause I knew them; instead of being nice to me to get the boys to notice them, they were jealous & bhy - not the best impression to make on the school heartthrob that lived 6 doors away & had grown up with me wink He's a PHr but doesn't post much.

They'd be nice for a week & then cut me out for 2. I'd be the butt of jokes & pranks. I'd be sat on & prevented from getting off the school bus at my stop, made to walk 5 miles back home. To the point that it was easier just to walk the 4 miles home with the boys; which got me bullied...

I'm sorry to say that is has affected me my whole life; I don't make friends easily & when I do, it's generally with men. My last experience of making friends with a woman I wanted to like & trust, welcomed to my house & introduced her to my friends ended VERY badly as I made a very bad judgement as to her character, you'd think that at my age I'd have learned better! laugh

I don't really know how to socialise with groups of women. I'm ok one to one, or even when it's 3 of us; but anymore & I'm uncomfortable.

I'm jealous of my female friends that have such close relationships with others. I've never felt the need to have to speak to any other female everyday (other than my Mum). Fortunately the 3 girls I'm closest too don't either smile

Some n in groups ARE bhes. I'm sorry I can't offer constructive help, I found none & nothing comes to mind.

Getting the School involved may not actually help her find friends & it may make things worse if the girls think she's being given special treatment, just ask them to keep an eye & 'break it up' when the bhing starts.

Your daughter is at a vulnerable stage, emotions & hormones running haywire in her & her peers.

I begged to be allowed to move schools, I had girls in the road I lived in that I was friends with that were at another school but it never happened & as they moved those friendships faded out.

I have a few female friends, most of them are from here smile Others I've made through work or mutual friends. But I struggled to put together enough for a traditional Hen Night; in fact that was my absolute nightmare for the Wedding. In the end it was just a few friends & family at the house.

I have the girls from school on FB but apart from 3 of them, I use filters so they see very little of what I post & I have unfollowed them so I don't see their stuff. All of them have apologised to me for their behaviour, now that they have kids they understand how nasty they were. I haven't forgiven.

Eta - those 3 from school, were the ones that would have been your daughter's 'true' friend, and they've admitted that they were bullied into saying it. They did their best, but you have no idea how nasty a group of women can be.

Edited by ali_kat on Tuesday 3rd March 11:44

croyde

22,699 posts

229 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
quotequote all
ali_kat said:
frown

Sad stuff
frown

fido

16,752 posts

254 months

Tuesday 3rd March 2015
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hornetrider said:
Baryonyx said:
She shouldn't worry about it, she'll be finished school soon and will likely see very little of the people she met there once she goes. In the meantime, she could occupy herself by studying or reading, perhaps?
Marvellous rolleyes
I actually agree with the original poster. I can honestly say looking back at school, I wish I had spent less time hanging round with the crowd and more time on cool hobbies - where you'll meet better suited friends!