Relationship Breakdown
Discussion
Hello all,
Not really sure this is the right forum, but I feel I need some help or at least to just talk to someone without an agenda.
So after 15 years together, she surprised me on Sunday by asking for us to separate. To say it was out of the blue is an understatement. Obviously, I was surprised and shocked. Spent quite some time trying to understand, thinking we could work it out and finally ended up pleading and begging for it to not be true, but she held firm. But without ever really explaining what was wrong between us.
She stayed with friends that night and I had possibly the worst night of my life trying to work it all out. But I guess I was still in a hell of a lot of shock.
I work away, so this seemed like a worthwhile chance to get out of the house, to allow her to get on with her life and to support our daughter.
Since then, I've received a number of messages that started out in tone as we're just being separate for a bit, and the tone has steadily got more and more permanent. Until Tuesday's note, staying that as far as she is concerned this pretty much a permanent thing and she is now classing herself as single and considering dating.
When that message arrived at work, I was devastated. I had the shakes, actually felt sick to the pit of my stomach and felt so disconnected from everything else in the world. There was only my pain and everything else was not really happening. Does that make sense?
Obviously, looking back I can see that there were plenty of clues, things said and overall distancing from me, but you never really see the big picture until it has happened. That is the gift of 20/20 hindsight.
Now I just don't know how to carry on. I've only shared the news with a couple of friends and my parents. And of course everyone has a long and detailed opinion on Me, Her, what I should have said, etc. It isn't like I've been through all that thinking and still am, "What if this" and "What if I did that", etc.
Sure I googlged Coping with separation, but so much of it seems like it is about getting your money from you. So here I am, normally quite self-assured and confident, pouring my heart out, whilst crying my eyes out, to an internet forum, whilst feeling like I should just jump off a bridge as it just hurts so much.
I just don't know what to do. Or want to without her in my life.
Not really sure this is the right forum, but I feel I need some help or at least to just talk to someone without an agenda.
So after 15 years together, she surprised me on Sunday by asking for us to separate. To say it was out of the blue is an understatement. Obviously, I was surprised and shocked. Spent quite some time trying to understand, thinking we could work it out and finally ended up pleading and begging for it to not be true, but she held firm. But without ever really explaining what was wrong between us.
She stayed with friends that night and I had possibly the worst night of my life trying to work it all out. But I guess I was still in a hell of a lot of shock.
I work away, so this seemed like a worthwhile chance to get out of the house, to allow her to get on with her life and to support our daughter.
Since then, I've received a number of messages that started out in tone as we're just being separate for a bit, and the tone has steadily got more and more permanent. Until Tuesday's note, staying that as far as she is concerned this pretty much a permanent thing and she is now classing herself as single and considering dating.
When that message arrived at work, I was devastated. I had the shakes, actually felt sick to the pit of my stomach and felt so disconnected from everything else in the world. There was only my pain and everything else was not really happening. Does that make sense?
Obviously, looking back I can see that there were plenty of clues, things said and overall distancing from me, but you never really see the big picture until it has happened. That is the gift of 20/20 hindsight.
Now I just don't know how to carry on. I've only shared the news with a couple of friends and my parents. And of course everyone has a long and detailed opinion on Me, Her, what I should have said, etc. It isn't like I've been through all that thinking and still am, "What if this" and "What if I did that", etc.
Sure I googlged Coping with separation, but so much of it seems like it is about getting your money from you. So here I am, normally quite self-assured and confident, pouring my heart out, whilst crying my eyes out, to an internet forum, whilst feeling like I should just jump off a bridge as it just hurts so much.
I just don't know what to do. Or want to without her in my life.
1. Do not jump off a bridge.
2. Do not move out of the family home.
3. There probably is someone else in her life. I'm just planting that thought good and early.
4. Do not move out of the family home.
5. You need to think about you first, then your daughter, then in all probability the dog - your OH will have been thinking about this for a long time before she dared say it. It is over.
Now, perfectly natural to want to cry your eyes out. Go ahead, we won't tell anyone
. When you are cried out, start thinking about yourself.
Did I mention not moving out of the family home?
2. Do not move out of the family home.
3. There probably is someone else in her life. I'm just planting that thought good and early.
4. Do not move out of the family home.
5. You need to think about you first, then your daughter, then in all probability the dog - your OH will have been thinking about this for a long time before she dared say it. It is over.
Now, perfectly natural to want to cry your eyes out. Go ahead, we won't tell anyone
. When you are cried out, start thinking about yourself. Did I mention not moving out of the family home?
She'd been planning it for a while. We'd bought a place together abroad late last year and were planning on visiting it over Easter.
She had wanted me to go on my own, and then whilst I was away was going to sort everything out, so I guess either I would return home to an empty house or find all my stuff in the garage.
Thank you.
She had wanted me to go on my own, and then whilst I was away was going to sort everything out, so I guess either I would return home to an empty house or find all my stuff in the garage.
Thank you.
I would put money on her having another man, sad but that's what happens.
I have been there. Try to be strong, don't give her everything she wants and try to enjoy your newly gained freedom. Seriously you could do with a short term girlfriend right now.
Seems unlikely now but in a year or so you will be happy again.
I have been there. Try to be strong, don't give her everything she wants and try to enjoy your newly gained freedom. Seriously you could do with a short term girlfriend right now.
Seems unlikely now but in a year or so you will be happy again.
I would also say she has someone else on the scene and has obviously been planning it for some time.
Do not move out of the home
Get legal advice / see a solicitor now.
Tell your boss / supervisor so they are aware of any issues / if you're a bit down etc.
If you have a joint account / joint savings account then secure your money only you have access
How old is your child? If they are age appropriate then they need explaining to what is happening (children aren't stupid and will know something isn't right at home).
You both need to sit down and talk and discuss finances / selling properties etc. / child access. If she is adamant that it is over then it will be pointless suggesting Relate or something.
Do not move out, get legal advice and secure your finances.
Do not move out of the home
Get legal advice / see a solicitor now.
Tell your boss / supervisor so they are aware of any issues / if you're a bit down etc.
If you have a joint account / joint savings account then secure your money only you have access
How old is your child? If they are age appropriate then they need explaining to what is happening (children aren't stupid and will know something isn't right at home).
You both need to sit down and talk and discuss finances / selling properties etc. / child access. If she is adamant that it is over then it will be pointless suggesting Relate or something.
Do not move out, get legal advice and secure your finances.
O
HTP99 said:
Wow ends the 15 year relationship on Sunday and two days later says she is considering dating again; tells you it all really and also; what a b
h.
I usually try and stay impartial on these threads but this time I say she's been banging someone else. As hard as it may be the best thing you can do is let him have her and then live well yourself.h. There isn't anything you could of said, she has been planning this for a while and her mind is made up. As others have said there is probably someone else one the scene.
It's tough as she's already been through the breakup process and sounds keen to move on, leaving you still trying to come to terms with it all.
Easy to say don't think about all the 'what if's' and playing things back over and over, but it will take time and a fair bit of it.
As another poster mentioned, do tell your work about this - if they are a good bunch they may well give you a some time to let you start sorting the situation out.
It does get easier but the first few weeks / months are fking hard. You just need to get through them.
With a kid and a mortgage(?) there will be allot of things which will need to be organised - get good legal advice and fight your corner.
Lot's of great advice on this thread.
Being told " I don't love you anymore"
http://www.pistonheads.com/gAssing/topic.asp?h=0&a...
Horrible news mate, chin up - you will get through it. Do post up here if even just to vent.
See if you can get a weekend away, spend some time with some mates in a different city and try to get some distance from it all and collect your thoughts.
It's tough as she's already been through the breakup process and sounds keen to move on, leaving you still trying to come to terms with it all.
Easy to say don't think about all the 'what if's' and playing things back over and over, but it will take time and a fair bit of it.
As another poster mentioned, do tell your work about this - if they are a good bunch they may well give you a some time to let you start sorting the situation out.
It does get easier but the first few weeks / months are f
king hard. You just need to get through them. With a kid and a mortgage(?) there will be allot of things which will need to be organised - get good legal advice and fight your corner.
Lot's of great advice on this thread.
Being told " I don't love you anymore"
http://www.pistonheads.com/gAssing/topic.asp?h=0&a...
Horrible news mate, chin up - you will get through it. Do post up here if even just to vent.
See if you can get a weekend away, spend some time with some mates in a different city and try to get some distance from it all and collect your thoughts.
Funny, this is quite similar to the Sunday "debate". She loves me dearly, but feels that it just isn't enough anymore, we both want different things and so we need to split. "Well what is it you want?", I said. "Dunno" was the response.
That just left me confused and dazed.
Daughter is 18 and hers, by a previous. But we've been together so long I tend to think of her as my own anyhow.
Thank you all for the responses and kind words. During the day, being busy at work, it doesn't seem so bad. I guess the distraction of work helps. To be honest it is the nights that are the problem, as that is when 'the thoughts' start.
Seriously, bawling my eyes out and making snot bubbles, in my pants at 4am is not a good look. For anyone.
Again, thank you all.
That just left me confused and dazed.
Daughter is 18 and hers, by a previous. But we've been together so long I tend to think of her as my own anyhow.
Thank you all for the responses and kind words. During the day, being busy at work, it doesn't seem so bad. I guess the distraction of work helps. To be honest it is the nights that are the problem, as that is when 'the thoughts' start.
Seriously, bawling my eyes out and making snot bubbles, in my pants at 4am is not a good look. For anyone.
Again, thank you all.
CountZero23 said:
Lot's of great advice on this thread.
Being told " I don't love you anymore"
http://www.pistonheads.com/gAssing/topic.asp?h=0&a...
Being told " I don't love you anymore"
http://www.pistonheads.com/gAssing/topic.asp?h=0&a...
Whether she has someone new or not is actually irrelevant.
Fact is that she doesn't want you at the moment, doesn't mean to say that she will change her mind though.
My advice is to treat the next few months as a process, if you can then take emotion and people out of the process.
Take the higher moral ground and refuse to be drawn in to any games or emotional bks.
It will work though it's own stty path, you have little in the way of options except to conduct yourself in the best way that you can.
Fact is that she doesn't want you at the moment, doesn't mean to say that she will change her mind though.
My advice is to treat the next few months as a process, if you can then take emotion and people out of the process.
Take the higher moral ground and refuse to be drawn in to any games or emotional b
ks.It will work though it's own s
tty path, you have little in the way of options except to conduct yourself in the best way that you can.She's got someone else, hence the dating statement.
You mention that her daughter was by an ex, did you start dating her when she was still with this ex? (leopard and spots etc).
Got any single mates you can visit/few pints with?
Get your financials sorted, don't give anything to her that you don't have to.
Worth searching out some other threads on here some people have given great advice to others in your situation.
You mention that her daughter was by an ex, did you start dating her when she was still with this ex? (leopard and spots etc).
Got any single mates you can visit/few pints with?
Get your financials sorted, don't give anything to her that you don't have to.
Worth searching out some other threads on here some people have given great advice to others in your situation.
First of all, I really feel for you. Breaking up is very tough, I can only imagine what it would be like after 15 years.
sclayto2 said:
Since then, I've received a number of messages that started out in tone as we're just being separate for a bit, and the tone has steadily got more and more permanent. Until Tuesday's note, staying that as far as she is concerned this pretty much a permanent thing and she is now classing herself as single and considering dating.
The above coupled with the fact that you've been working away... to use a euphemism, do you think this monkey has already got it's hands on the next branch?jontysafe said:
Shi* thing to have happened.
You've been set free to find out what true happiness and contentment is, but first comes the pain I'm afraid.
Good luck on your journey.
fYou've been set free to find out what true happiness and contentment is, but first comes the pain I'm afraid.
Good luck on your journey.
ker is that you already thought you had found it, being a blokes we happily tick off the relationship box. "Right thats that sorted" finally no more dicking about in bars, chasing skirt all weekend and meaningless sex with inappropriate girls. Ok, I've not made that sound all that bad 
Mixed blessing but it's certainly hard to see the positives right now.
Managed to find myself a nice new girl a few weeks after breaking with the ex last November. No idea how as I was a drunken mess and had barely slept the night before.
Lobvelly lass and has certainly taken my mind of things. Not a panacea but finding a new squeeze will help.
It's a tough process but I found that the most important thing to maintain was my dignity
I removed all means of contact to her family and friends and made sure I did not publicly make any negative comments about her or post any of the "woe is me" comments that you see on Facebook.
12 months after my split my best mate moved in with me after a split and selling his house. Watching him run after his ex like a puppy, doing whatever she asked of him and getting nothing in return, and then gradually watching her get further and further away whilst he sent emails etc. trying to get her to meet and sort things out, was a horrible process. No matter how much I tried he wouldn't listen or let it go
Ended up with him in court for harassment, criminal record, community service and a restraining order, and I couldn't do anything about it
He is now happy in another relationship and gets married in July!
I removed all means of contact to her family and friends and made sure I did not publicly make any negative comments about her or post any of the "woe is me" comments that you see on Facebook.
12 months after my split my best mate moved in with me after a split and selling his house. Watching him run after his ex like a puppy, doing whatever she asked of him and getting nothing in return, and then gradually watching her get further and further away whilst he sent emails etc. trying to get her to meet and sort things out, was a horrible process. No matter how much I tried he wouldn't listen or let it go
Ended up with him in court for harassment, criminal record, community service and a restraining order, and I couldn't do anything about it
He is now happy in another relationship and gets married in July!
Feel terrible for you OP. You described that well and it must be a terrible situation.
I hate it when these threads come up on PH and within 2 seconds all the aholes come out of the woodwork telling you how your wife has been seeing someone else and that it is pure fact.
However, there have been so many similar threads and unfortunately in every single case they have been correct that I have seen and unfortunately your story reads exactly like that.
The out of the blueness, he having no answers as to why, and telling you that she is going to start dating. That just reads that there is already someone who she wants to make public but wants to make it appear as though she wasn't already doing it.
There is, however, light at the end of the tunnel.
In every single similar thread you fast-forwards 6 months and the wronged men are happier than they have ever been. No exceptions. However rubbish you feel now, the bottom line is despite loving her your other half is a, and youll come to realise it and get someone better.
Unusually serious for me!
I hate it when these threads come up on PH and within 2 seconds all the a
holes come out of the woodwork telling you how your wife has been seeing someone else and that it is pure fact.However, there have been so many similar threads and unfortunately in every single case they have been correct that I have seen and unfortunately your story reads exactly like that.
The out of the blueness, he having no answers as to why, and telling you that she is going to start dating. That just reads that there is already someone who she wants to make public but wants to make it appear as though she wasn't already doing it.
There is, however, light at the end of the tunnel.
In every single similar thread you fast-forwards 6 months and the wronged men are happier than they have ever been. No exceptions. However rubbish you feel now, the bottom line is despite loving her your other half is a
, and youll come to realise it and get someone better.Unusually serious for me!
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