Potential end of a 7 year relationship...

Potential end of a 7 year relationship...

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SteveS Cup

Original Poster:

1,996 posts

159 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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I'm not sure why I'm writing this here, I could get laughed at but I need to write this down as talking about it is very hard. My mates think "buy her some flowers and it'll be alright", I've spoken to my parents but I'm not that close to them anymore and it's hard as they're close to my OH, the advice isn't really there as they don't really know what to say. This isn't going to be easy either as I'm really opening up and being honest about mistakes I've made with money - not very PH.

A bit of background... I'll try to keep this brief.

I met the OH 7 years ago at work. I was 20 and she was 19. It was a very competitive environment, flash, cocky, arrogant etc all wearing suits we couldn't afford, watches we couldn't afford and driving cars we couldn't afford. Always aspiring for material objects.

We got together 6 months after meeting and we've been together ever since. We get on very well and in my opinion we're made for each other.

Unfortunately the lifestyle I led in my late teens / early 20's hurt my finances and I'm still paying for it.

Every 6 months we would have a huge row over money and I would promise to sort myself out. In many ways I have, I went through a bad patch where certain bills weren't being paid, maxed out overdraft and buying cars / things for my cars that I shouldn't of. 3 years ago I got my Mini, I still have it and I've not replaced it for something faster etc. I no longer have an overdraft and all my bills get paid. I am still paying off a loan which kept on growing and growing but I've got it under control. I've not borrowed a single penny for years.

Apart from my finances we get on so well. Yes we've had smaller arguments about stupid things but nothing serious. We're so similar, we're over the "going out to get drunk" and we're both happy with a quiet night in with some nice food. We're both quite in to the gym now and we genuinely enjoy each other's company.

2 years ago her Grandma passed away. A year ago her Grandad passed away. We reluctantly moved in to the house and I don't think she grieved properly. I thought it was too soon but her parents thought they were doing us a favour whilst it also done them a favour making sure the house wasn't empty. Up until this point she would stay at my parents house a lot and we'd spend every other weekend at her parents house.

I'm very close to her family and the death of her grandparents did effect me too so the first month of being there was tough.

Beyond that we have really enjoyed ourselves and lived together very happily.

I'm very close to her parents and her little sister treats me like an older brother. Her Auntie and Uncle live close by and I'm very close to them as well. In fact, I'm closer to them than my own family.

2 months ago we had a huge row and I spent a night back at my parents house. We spoke the next day and I promised to sort a few things out including my finances and doing more around the house.

I sorted everything out other than I didn't save any money last month.

In this time the probate has been finalised, her mother and Auntie have the cash inheritance but want to sell the house as well which I know the OH was hoping they wouldn't due to her memories of the house etc. It is also a month since her grandmothers 2 year anniversary of her passing and a month away from her grandads 1 year of passing anniversary. So I'm sure her mind is all over the place at the moment.

On Thursday we were supposed to go out for a meal but I suggested we sat down and spoke as things hadn't been right all week. We sort of spoke, she had said she was angry that I hadn't saved any money etc etc. I went down stairs and just sat in silence. She came down and said I should leave as I had broken the promise I made to her. I've been back at my parents house since Thursday night.

We exchanged very few text messages on Friday and I ended up going back and packing my things on Saturday morning. She came back from the gym and was totally dismissive of me stating "it's over" and wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. I left on Saturday leaving very little in the house (tv wouldn't of fitted in the Mini with most of my clothes in it, few clothes left and boxes in the garage) but thinking it was all over. I came back to my parents to be greeted by my mum and Auntie... Not really what I wanted but I told them both that it's over.

Within 3 hours she had text me saying "I don't want us to break up but I can't go on like this. I love you more than anything but you're pushing me too far". A few text messages were exchanged and the tone become nicer, she suggested I called her so I did.

4 hours on the phone and we had talked like a normal couple discussing what we have planned for the future, the fact she has to buy me an Easter egg, the fact that not everyone needs to know I've moved out, that we have tickets for next seasons ice hockey, that her parents have invited us round for Sunday dinner next weekend, what she was going to do on the Sunday (today) etc etc but it ended with her saying she doesn't think we should speak until I can prove I'm changing my lifestyle and saving some money (so at least a month). And even then, it might be too late.

She's told me that I'm a perfect boyfriend and that her only issue is my finances which makes this even harder for me to swallow as I could / should of sorted myself out years ago.

I've not called or text her all day which has been very difficult.

I'm hoping that tonight, when she's not with her friend she'll text me or call me. But with all the mixed signals even though I know her inside out I simply can't predict what she's going to do next.

She hasn't told her parents and her mum is constantly texting me as she's excited to be picking up a new car on Tuesday. So it's very awkward as I've not said anything either.

Do you think I should try to contact her?

Should I leave her alone?

I know I don't deserve another chance but you have to have hope if it's still something you want to fight for.

I know I've done wrong but I'm also concerned that she has so much else going on in her head that she needs support and at the moment I can't give it to her.

Anybody else gone through hard times with finances which has risked your relationship?

Anybody else gone through a tough break up that you really didn't want to happen?



Nickyboy

6,700 posts

233 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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It sounds like she has issues with your finances which i can understand but she also needs to understand that something like that can't be fixed overnight.

I did exactly the same as you, spent loads when i was younger and racked up loads of debt, i was then forced to buy a flat when my mum sold our house and retired to Cornwall. It was all bad timing as i'd hoped to pay most of the debt off before i bought a place of my own, instead i've got a nice place but still a load of debt which i'm slowly paying off.

If you're the perfect person for her then she'll make it work, if not then finishing it for the sake of money is a bit shallow. I know money causes arguments in relationships but it can also be worked around.

Figure out a figure you can pay each month comfortably while still doing the things you both like and need to do.

mondeoman

11,430 posts

265 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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May sound dumb, but have you both sat down and gone through your numbers and agreed an amount you should save/add to the debt payment?

Might show that your serious about getting rid of your debt.

That's if YOU want to stay of course?

Piglet

6,250 posts

254 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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Whatever you do in the short term, you need to convince her that you can provide for her and any family that you have. If you can't get through a month without pissing your salary up the wall then you can't give her any stability.

Sorry that's harsh, but that's the reality. Either you want this, or you don't.

SteveS Cup

Original Poster:

1,996 posts

159 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
quotequote all
Thank you for your responses.

We've been through my earnings / bills and I know the figure that I should be saving per month.

Unfortunately it's the £10's / £20's here and there which add up to a considerable amount per month that I need to stop.

hornetrider

63,161 posts

204 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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So stop it then. Sounds like you potentially have a great girl and life in front of you.

Sit down with her, make a financial plan and stick to it. Job jobbed.

51mes

1,498 posts

199 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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SteveS Cup said:
Thank you for your responses.

We've been through my earnings / bills and I know the figure that I should be saving per month.

Unfortunately it's the £10's / £20's here and there which add up to a considerable amount per month that I need to stop.
The only way to stop doing that is to not have the money to spend...

So separate your day to day finances from your main finances via separate accounts - then leave all the cards from your main finances @ home, and set up a regular standing order for "pocket money" to the day to day account.. Once you get out of the habit of £10 here £20 there - Also do things that mean you don't spend money day to day - packed lunch rather than pret - you know the thing... you'll find it gets a lot easier.

If you can't trust yourself that far - give the physical cards for your main finance accounts to her - not the pin she's just stopping you spending from them. It's a proof of intent, but above all talk to her and explain what and why you are doing...

S.


Piglet

6,250 posts

254 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
quotequote all
51mes said:
If you can't trust yourself that far - give the physical cards for your main finance accounts to her - not the pin she's just stopping you spending from them. It's a proof of intent, but above all talk to her and explain what and why you are doing...

S.
BUT don't make her your mother though...she'll get naffed off with playing the only grown up in your relationship quite quickly. Step up to this, you've got a great opportunity.

LHRFlightman

1,929 posts

169 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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hornetrider said:
So stop it then. Sounds like you potentially have a great girl and life in front of you.

Sit down with her, make a financial plan and stick to it. Job jobbed.
This. She sounds like a great girl, don't blow it.

Krupp Stahl

212 posts

127 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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Women can be very cold when it comes to this sort of thing.

If she'd had enough, she'd have already chinned you off with the minimum of drama.

The fact she's still even talking at all means that she's probably still interested in making a go of it.

I would say be straight with her and be constructive - this is not the time for stubborn silence or pride mate.

Look at it from her perspective - she probably wants to start a family at some point and needs to know that you measure up to the job as a partner.

That's just my take on it though. Best of luck.

Muzzer79

9,806 posts

186 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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If she means that much to you, then a simple issue like not wasting your money shouldn't be a problem

What's she like wih finance?

If she's good with £, prove you've sorted yourself out:

Agree a figure you'll save each month and set up a standing order into a joint account. Both of you

Then, live to your means. If you don't have those £10 & £20's then you won't spend them.

dave123456

1,846 posts

146 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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SteveS Cup said:
.....and her mum is constantly texting me as she's excited to be picking up a new car on Tuesday.....
this was the stand out for me...financial frivolity is your usp in her eyes. and her family's.

Vizsla

922 posts

123 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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SteveS Cup said:
I met the OH 7 years ago at work. I was 20 and she was 19. It was a very competitive environment, flash, cocky, arrogant etc all wearing suits we couldn't afford, watches we couldn't afford and driving cars we couldn't afford. Always aspiring for material objects.
Estate agent?

Sump

5,484 posts

166 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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She wants to leave you but is worried about finding someone else so she's going to try and fix you to her liking instead.

DSLiverpool

14,671 posts

201 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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She obviously loves you but is thinking who will keep her and her kids, she doesn't think your "the rock" for later on when she can't work. - just my thoughts

lord trumpton

7,321 posts

125 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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OP I'm not sure if I've misread what you have said but it kind of says that you had a money problem but now its all sorted. Then you go on to talk about arguments over you spending and lack of saving.

I may be way off here but it seems that you may be in denial of your problems and perhaps are not taking them seriously. Or at least a seriously enough as your woman would like you to.

It sounds like you still have a bit more growing up to do and a few lessons to learn and maybe losing this woman of yours may well do you some good.


Du1point8

21,604 posts

191 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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Think of it as if it were her that was spending all her money every month and you were the one saving for your future together, you would be pissed off right?

Now imagine that despite all the promises every month that it wouldn't happen again, you still see she is spending all her cash on frivolous crap and has nothing to show for it.

You would be even more pissed off and would start to have doubts if she can't even do that one simple thing. Thats were she is now with you.

Im assuming you have had the house relatively cheaply to live in, so have had the ability to save for the past X months and she was staying silent about this and now its come to a head.

To be honest with you, if you can't see that she is the one for you and do the simple task of look after your finances to keep her happy, then let her go... You say you care for her, but you can't control your spending and that is the only thing that is causing arguments you are on to a massive winner.

fk this up by ignoring your spending and it will soon be too late, you will look back and ask yourself why the hell could you not have done it and then you wouldn't have lost her.




Sheepshanks

32,529 posts

118 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
quotequote all
Piglet said:
51mes said:
If you can't trust yourself that far - give the physical cards for your main finance accounts to her - not the pin she's just stopping you spending from them. It's a proof of intent, but above all talk to her and explain what and why you are doing...

S.
BUT don't make her your mother though...she'll get naffed off with playing the only grown up in your relationship quite quickly. Step up to this, you've got a great opportunity.
Both my daughters' husbands are totally useless / clueless with money and they both had to take total control of the lads' finances when the scale of their debts became clear.

Went through the whole chopping up the credit cards thing etc. It's weird, they were from backgrounds quite near to the opposite ends of the scale to each other but were both basically the same.

putonghua73

615 posts

127 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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Congratulations on admitting that you had a problem and that you've taken steps to address it.

First thing to do to get your finances under control and have a clear understanding of how much you can afford to service your debt, and what monthly amount is required to reduce the debt whilst meeting bills e.g. rent, bills, etc.

Second understand the interest rate on your debt and determine if you can consolidate it with a holiday repayment period and a lower interest rate.

Third use a spreadsheet (Google docs) to record monthly income, monthly outgoings, debt servicing, and then determine what is left for fun. "Fun" in this case is a very low amount that you can use for a cinema date, etc.

Fourth think about different saving accounts / pots for debt servicing, bills, etc - for the maxim "Pay yourself first" i.e. put aside some money - after bills, debt servicing - for saving. At this state, it's about breaking old habits and developing new ones.

In terms of your relationship, did your girlfriend also get herself into debt? Does she exhibit good habits and saves? Or is everything a one-way street?

Also, why were you not able to save this month? Is this a trend and your girlfriend has reached her limit?

Axionknight

8,505 posts

134 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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Vizsla said:
Estate agent?
Read his profile.