Athiest and Catholic wedding ceremony

Athiest and Catholic wedding ceremony

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Simbu

Original Poster:

1,783 posts

173 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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My Catholic girlfriend and I have been having one of those 'hypothetical' discussions about what our (currently) imaginary wedding day would look like. Whenever this happens, it invariably sticks on the same issue; the ceremony. Now, I could just about deal with it being at a church. It's important to the OH, and hell, they're generally nice looking buildings and are well setup for the job.

I can deal with a few hymns and other churchy trimmings, they sound nice and they can be quite babble-free, and the OH would probably like them. The sticking point is on the vows and wording of the ceremony. I have no interest in declaring my vows in the name of something I, to put it mildly, consider the world's greatest con. I don't want to lie to or be a hypocrite in front of my OH, the minister, our guests or myself.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? Did you have a full Catholic ceremony and bite your tongue? Can the ceremony be 'modified'? Did you have a more ecumenical ceremony? A non church wedding?

Experiences and opinions welcomed!

RDMcG

19,096 posts

206 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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I have some experience in this as a general non-believer.

In the end, there are considerations of the bride's beliefs ,family , friends.

It is not in any way a sign-on to a religion or belief system,

What did I do?...just went with the flow. Cost me nothing, changed none of my own convictions, and avoided a useless fight.

Alternatively, if it really matters to you and she would agree, do a civil marriage.

In the end, what would spoil her day or make her happy/...these events are typically more fulfilling for the bride. (yes,yes, shoot me, sexist comment)

PorscheGT4

21,146 posts

264 months

Sunday 29th March 2015
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Change girlfriend.


RaptureJames

42 posts

122 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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I am anti religion and got married in a church... as thats what my wife wanted (mostly to do with her nan being buried there) but i was just happy to be marrying her so the rest didnt matter.

At the rev'd blessing the rings on the bible part, my ring fell off the bible onto the floor!

numtumfutunch

4,705 posts

137 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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Devils advocate here, well as much as an atheist can quote the Devil smile

This is your day as well as hers, if you dont buy into it then dont do it
Your suggesting compromising for her, why is it so unreasonable to ask her to compromise for you?

I admit this is a potentially incendiary advice, but I have seen so much unhappiness amongst friends and colleagues when one believes and the other doesnt

Oh, and best wishes for the day angel

EDIT: and it would be hers and yours day alone, sod the family - none of their business how you choose to play it IMHO


Hackney

6,811 posts

207 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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I'm atheist, wife s Catholic although doesn't go to church.
We had a Catholic Church wedding because she wanted one for her family and their beliefs.
I had it in a church because it looked nice in the photographs and I wanted my wife to have the best day possible.

We didn't write our own vows r anything so they included the God bit.
I didn't believe it so what difference does it make to me?
I do believe I kade a commitment to her regardless of the words that were said so though.

FWIW our son is being baptised in Catholic Church in Ireland in a few weeks.
If it helps get him in to a better school one day's be it.

Gorilla Boy

7,808 posts

172 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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Id suggest you get her to look at humanist ceremonies, i think it would be the best compromise for you and you can still have the ceremony in a church.

mybrainhurts

90,809 posts

254 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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Simbu said:
Has anyone else been in a similar position?
Yes, but Church of England and not our local church. The wife and her mother had to attend some qualifying number of sessions and I met the vicar to express exactly the same qualms as yours.

He said something about Jesus being the truth and that's what I was doing, so it's all right.

So we went ahead and did it.

Not sure if this would work with the Catholic church, though, they're all a bit Spanish Inquisition, aren't they? I think they've scrapped the torture stuff, though, so you'll probably be all right.

Oh, and the divorce was bloody expensive.

grumbledoak

31,500 posts

232 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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Athiest male? check.
Catholic female? check.
Civil ceremony? check.
Expensive divorce? guess.

I would look into GT4's advice in more detail. hehe

mybrainhurts

90,809 posts

254 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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PS...Catholic church....beware blokes in frocks and funny hats, something wrong going on there.

Loudy McFatass

8,842 posts

186 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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Catholic girls are normally filth.

Let her have her way and she'll more than likely let you throw it in her hoop on the wedding night.

Win win.

mybrainhurts

90,809 posts

254 months

Monday 30th March 2015
quotequote all
Loudy McFatass said:
Catholic girls are normally filth.

Let her have her way and she'll more than likely let you throw it in her hoop on the wedding night.

Win win.
We'll have nun of that round here, if you please....

Simbu

Original Poster:

1,783 posts

173 months

Monday 30th March 2015
quotequote all
Thanks for (most of) the replies chaps!

Her family don't really feature in our lives (an exceptionally long story that won't be making its way onto the internet) so this reduces complications in that regard. My parents would never unduly influence any such happy occasion.

Perhaps I should be more compromising, its only one day after all. A solution that allows us both feel completely comfortable is definitely preferred though.

Simbu

Original Poster:

1,783 posts

173 months

Monday 30th March 2015
quotequote all
grumbledoak said:
Athiest male? check.
Catholic female? check.
Civil ceremony? check.
Expensive divorce? guess.

I would look into GT4's advice in more detail. hehe
It gets better. She's a family lawyer! Not done divorce law for a long time though, i hasten to add.

NDA

21,488 posts

224 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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Simbu said:
Thanks for (most of) the replies chaps!

Her family don't really feature in our lives (an exceptionally long story that won't be making its way onto the internet) so this reduces complications in that regard. My parents would never unduly influence any such happy occasion.

Perhaps I should be more compromising, its only one day after all. A solution that allows us both feel completely comfortable is definitely preferred though.
I'm an atheist and was married in a church.

Whilst I have no belief in things religious, I deeply respect the faith of those that do. It's not going to cost you anything emotionally, so do it.

Simbu

Original Poster:

1,783 posts

173 months

Monday 30th March 2015
quotequote all
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Projecting a bit this morning are we? smile

Your unwavering optimism is appreciated! Fortunately in all likelihood the mother will not be present, which would make the day rather more enjoyable. And at least it'll be her money she's spending. I'm probably that 'slightly speccy' guy too!

RobinOakapple

2,802 posts

111 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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There's a book about marrying Catholics, demonstrates that it's a bad idea. It's called Brideshead Revisited if you want to check it out.

drivin_me_nuts

17,949 posts

210 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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RobinOakapple said:
There's a book about marrying Catholics, demonstrates that it's a bad idea. It's called Brideshead Revisited if you want to check it out.
Wasn't that about big family politics, interbreeding and the love of false idols (teddybears)... sound very Catholic to me.

...

As someone who was born catholic who married someone who was born Shai Muslim, I would strongly suggest the best thing to do is have a good long think about where your boundaries of belief/acceptance lie. For us it was not issue and we has a civil service and zero reference to any mythology was involved, but you have to decided how much of the religious mumbo jumbo (you can see where my beliefs lie on this subject lie...) you are prepared to listen to.

Part of me says if you love her 'enough', you'll 'go along with it' (because it's respecting her wishes, wants and desires). The other part says, 'your beliefs are just as important' and if your belief is that it is not something that you are prepared to be part of and accept, then you need to think long and hard about it. You can't undo what you say and what I mean by that is that if what you say out loud has real context and meaning to you, then saying them swearing on a daiety's existence that you don't believe in is somewhat of a false pretext to start a marriage on...

But, it's your call and you have to decide.

awooga

358 posts

133 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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I went to a mate's full on high Scottish church wedding with my religious gf and her church going parents - her dad was one of the elders. It became obvious to me then that there was no way I could get married in a church as I just couldn't say the words. One of the many great things about my wife is that we generally see the world the same way, so a church was never on the agenda for our wedding. So answer a) is dump her and find someone else more to your way of thinking.

One of my equally athiest mates met a lovely lovely girl with absolute devote mum and auntie and decided that he could cope with the day being in church and about the God bit and just bit the bullet. He does quite enjoy the 'club' parts of the church and met some very good people through it. Still a raving athiest though. So answer b) is bite your tongue, let her know your objections and go through the motions.

boxst

3,699 posts

144 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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I'm married to a Catholic and didn't get married in Church originally (long, painful story involving being previously married, divorce, bribing a Catholic priest ;-) ) and it became a problem. In the eyes of the Catholic person you are ONLY married if you get married in Church and they cannot participate in the Eucharist (bread and wine) as they are a sinner. It becomes a problem for your children with communion and it goes on and on ...

In the end I arranged things and got married in Church for a peaceful life.

If you are not religious then why not just go with the flow and get married in Church? The only thing that you *have* to do is sign something that says your children will be Catholic. Not legally binding of course.