"Educating" the other half about business practices

"Educating" the other half about business practices

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beanbag

Original Poster:

7,346 posts

240 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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I love my other half to bits but it sometimes infuriates me how naive she can be about how companies work.

She's very fortunate in that she works in a family business which is great, working 10-5:30, four days a week. Very cushy, plus she's also the boss. There isn't much that can go wrong apart from the business failing for whatever reason. (Very unlikely). It means she has never had a formal job interview in her life. Nor has she had to deal with company politics and dealing with travelling, expensing, and work hours.

As a result of this, she's constantly annoyed with me having to work late (which is not all that often....maybe once or twice a week at most). I also commute 3 hours every day (120 miles), so my day is long.

She often gets upset when I have to travel abroad which has actually resulted in me cancelling a trip to the US in the past, and even more so when I can't give a fixed date. Meetings change and sometimes I have to leave at short notice. This she hates the most! This is not unusual and it's just one of the things I've always done.

And she gets annoyed when I have to use my own money to purchase things before I can claim them back through expenses. Again, normal from my point of view. I get the money back, so what does it matter?

I don't see anything wrong in what I'm doing. I have a good career, good job so how do I go about dealing with this gently?!

She's even suggested that we "don't need to earn so much", but at the end of the day with money aside, this is my career and I love what I do.

And regardless of this, I've pointed out taking a lesser job will also result in me working the same hours but for less money so what difference would it make.

I suspect a lot of the problem is down to losing time over the commute and arriving home late as a result. It means we barely spend time together as I'm up again at 6am so I tend to fall asleep around 11pm. It means our evenings are about 2-3 hours long. I've suggested moving closer to my job but in fairness, we can't sell up just yet for various reasons and renting is out of the question.

It's even gone as far as suggesting I stay close to work during the week in a studio and come home on Fridays before leaving for work on Monday. Other than giving me more time, I don't think it'll do much else.

Is anyone else here in the same situation and how do you handle it!?

beanbag

Original Poster:

7,346 posts

240 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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P.S. Probably the wrong title for this thread but, meh.....had to come up with something quickly....

TLandCruiser

2,788 posts

197 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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Move or change job if you value your marriage,

Loudy McFatass

8,842 posts

186 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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Move or change your woman if you value your job.

StevieBee

12,795 posts

254 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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Not to that degree but I do find myself sometimes deflated when I bring home news of a new contract/project to which she says..."so, how much money do we get then?". I know what she means but my explanation of such wins being contributing factors to continued employment, thus income, seem to fall upon deaf ears.

beanbag

Original Poster:

7,346 posts

240 months

Monday 30th March 2015
quotequote all
TLandCruiser said:
Move or change job if you value your marriage,
Not as easy as that. Where I live, there are no opportunities. I have a very specialist career in a niche market. It means I do very well for myself but there are no opportunities for me nearby where I live.

Additionally, I've had this career for over 10 years, and I'm not about to throw away a decade of hard graft in a blink of an eye.

I'm not married just yet (coming this year), but from what I know. Marriage is about compromise and being selfless.

boxst

3,699 posts

144 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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My compromise was that I work mostly at home when I'm not travelling abroad. When I'm not travelling I work a lot but the hours are spread through-out the day. I will take a meeting at 10pm, but also can pick up my daughter at 3:30pm for example.

Is that an option for at least a day or two a week?

beanbag

Original Poster:

7,346 posts

240 months

Monday 30th March 2015
quotequote all
boxst said:
My compromise was that I work mostly at home when I'm not travelling abroad. When I'm not travelling I work a lot but the hours are spread through-out the day. I will take a meeting at 10pm, but also can pick up my daughter at 3:30pm for example.

Is that an option for at least a day or two a week?
I am hoping that further down the line I can do a day or two from home. There's also a slim chance of offices opening nearer to where I live so I could do 3 days in one location and 2 in another.

I also do work from home quite a lot (which funnily enough she never seems to get annoyed with), and she's quite happy to have me do bits and pieces on my laptop while we watch a movie together. This bit baffles me!

Hoofy

76,253 posts

281 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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Can you work from home 3 days a week?

Relationships are about compromise.

Bluebarge

4,519 posts

177 months

Monday 30th March 2015
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beanbag said:
As a result of this, she's constantly annoyed with me having to work late (which is not all that often....maybe once or twice a week at most). I also commute 3 hours every day (120 miles), so my day is long.

I suspect a lot of the problem is down to losing time over the commute and arriving home late as a result. It means we barely spend time together as I'm up again at 6am so I tend to fall asleep around 11pm. It means our evenings are about 2-3 hours long.

Is anyone else here in the same situation and how do you handle it!?
I used to do this sort of commute - it was fine when all went well and if I could leave the office by 7pm, but otherwise became knackering, particulalrly if public transport failures led to long delays. It was fine for 9-10 years or so until a decision needed to be made about kids education which ended up with a shorter commute, better quality of life but also less money.

However, even with a 15 minute drive home, 2-3 hours "together" of an evening is the maximum that me and the missus can count on and that will require various chores to also be accomplished such as walking the dog, making supper, helping kids with homework and making sure they are set for school the next day. So, "us" time is usually a 20 minute chat whilst making supper before doing other stuff as a family.

In other words, 2 hours together is about the maximum you will ever get of an evening unless you are unemployed or work in a shop.

Your missus has plainly had a very sheltered life and sees work as an extension of school, with regular playtime. I don't think the shorter commute will make a lot of difference TBH but you do really need to explain to your missus that work is what pays the bills and long hours for a succesful professional are the norm. My missus understood that my working hard was what allowed her to be a full-time mum. Maybe if she gets to meet your colleagues or other people in your industry she will understand what is required of you.

beanbag

Original Poster:

7,346 posts

240 months

Tuesday 31st March 2015
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Bluebarge said:
In other words, 2 hours together is about the maximum you will ever get of an evening unless you are unemployed or work in a shop.
Exactly this.

And as others have mentioned before, she's been rather sheltered however that's not to say she doesn't work hard in what she does....but she has a lot more leeway as it's her family business.

Slowly changing her tune but it's hard to do so without her getting upset and I'm genuinely dreading my next business trip as it's coming up later this month for a week.

Asterix

24,438 posts

227 months

Tuesday 31st March 2015
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Does everyone in the company work 10-5:30 or just 'the boss'?

Foliage

3,861 posts

121 months

Tuesday 31st March 2015
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Get her to give you a job at her place, shes the boss it sounds cushy & you will see each other all the time then. wink

beanbag

Original Poster:

7,346 posts

240 months

Tuesday 31st March 2015
quotequote all
Asterix said:
Does everyone in the company work 10-5:30 or just 'the boss'?
Everyone....it's the type of business they have. Sometimes they're in earlier but the office shuts on the dot at 5.30pm.

Sump

5,484 posts

166 months

Tuesday 31st March 2015
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She most likely thinks you're bit of a sucker working your ass off as an employee. Add on top of not seeing you that much, it's a good receipe for a st storm.




Asterix

24,438 posts

227 months

Tuesday 31st March 2015
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beanbag said:
Asterix said:
Does everyone in the company work 10-5:30 or just 'the boss'?
Everyone....it's the type of business they have. Sometimes they're in earlier but the office shuts on the dot at 5.30pm.
Fair enough - it sounds like a right cushy number, and very unusual in the grand scheme of things.

She really does need to understand that she is actually the odd one out, not you mate.

What industry is it? Does she have clients or suppliers that work 'normal' hours like the rest of us?

Jasandjules

69,825 posts

228 months

Tuesday 31st March 2015
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Live to work, or work to live?!?! She wants to spend more time with you.

andy-xr

13,204 posts

203 months

Tuesday 31st March 2015
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You're using attack on her as a form of defence, which isnt fair. You're telling her she's dumb, she's telling you she doesnt understand why you have to work so much

She's saying 'I'd like you to commute less, you spend so much time going to work, it'd be great to have you at home'. Then you're saying 'I know, love. I'll move closer to work so it's a shorter commute for me, and we can see each other less'

That's a complete misunderstanding of what she's actually after.

The easiest way is to ask her what she thinks you should do instead, with 'anything other than that' not a valid answer. Work through it together, as in, you need and want to work, you're in an area where work is limited, you'd like to travel less (I'm assuming you would, otherwise that's a different conversation) and the money is good for the life you both want to lead.

The thing is, she'll never get fired. You could. If you lost your job, what's all the travel and hassle actually got you? If the answer is 'to where I am now' then cool, but if the answer is 'with a grumpy ex wife and nowt to show for it' then maybe it's time to take on some of her concerns and figure out what's best for both of you.

I'm not saying you should fold and go work down on the beach, you'll have needs and wants as well, but there's got to be a balance somewhere where you still get what you need and she gets to see you more and you're away less.

Edited by andy-xr on Tuesday 31st March 12:38

RobinOakapple

2,802 posts

111 months

Tuesday 31st March 2015
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It doesn't sound promising. She's in an almost unique position but is unaware of how lucky she is. A bit like rich kids being unable to understand the lives of poor people.

The odds are against you on this one.

Super Slo Mo

5,368 posts

197 months

Tuesday 31st March 2015
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Can you try giving her examples of people who work far more unsociable hours than you?

It sounds like you get weekends off for a start, which I'd consider a massive bonus.

As another example, I'm away for at least one night per week, every week. Quite often this is Friday and/or Saturday, with regular early starts and late returns. In April and May I'm away for over a week, including during our anniversary, each month, in June I'm away for the entire month. The longest period I've been away was 5 months, although most years I get at least one 4-5 week job away somewhere.

Fortunately, my wife isn't too bothered, but compromises go both ways. You don't want to be making all the sacrifices, as you'll just end up resenting your partner for it, especially if you love your job (I don't, but that's another story smile).