some advice please

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dieseluser07

Original Poster:

2,452 posts

115 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
Hi all, posted in jobs and employment matters but i feel its kind of personal circumstances aswell so thought id change to the lounge. Im deciding whether to apply for a job which requires me to travel to different sites to repair and service equipment. Car is paid for and hotels if i want to stay over.

My main concern is i have a fiancee and i dont know if this would affect our relationship as i currently work near home. Most of the time id drive back as im not keen on hotels.

Its 3 12 hour shifts a week and the rota would be like this. The travelling is additional to the shift.

WEEK 1:
MON -TRAVEL 4 HOURS IN TOTAL
TUE-TRAVEL 2 1/2 HOURS IN TOTAL
SUN-TRAVEL 2 HOURS IN TOTAL

WEEK 2:
TUES- TRAVEL 3 1/2 HOURS AWAY AND WORK 3 SHIFTS IN A ROW THEN COME HOME FRIDAY MORNING

WEEK 3:
MON-TRAVEL 2 HOURS IN TOTAL
TUES-TRAVEL 2 HOURS IN TOTAL
FRI-TRAVEL 4 HOURS IN TOTAL

every week is different but thats an idea of how it works, would it cause a strain on relationships?

Timmy40

12,915 posts

197 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
Now, call me old fashioned, but......you could ask your fiancée what she thinks?

SeeFive

8,280 posts

232 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
Very difficult to tell without knowing your fiancée. Mine would not like it - too unpredictable and I would be working / away when she is not and at weekends too by the sound of it. I wouldn't do it to my fiancée.

However, if you would like a categorical answer, send your fiancée to me for a month and let me get to know her a lot better and I could be a little more accurate in predicting the outcome. wink

Seriously though, good luck with the job hunt and relationship.

Tyre Smoke

23,018 posts

260 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
Timmy40 said:
Now, call me old fashioned, but......you could ask your fiancée what she thinks?
And, ask yourself, if she needs to see you each and every day, do you feel a bit compromised/suffocated? Okay, you met and didn't work away, so this is a bit of a change of circumstances, but is the relationship strong enough (which it should be if she is your fianceé) to allow for these sort of changes. Throughout your marriage, life will throw all sorts of stuff like this at you. You aren't going to walk away from every challenge are you?

Rude-boy

22,227 posts

232 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
Sorry to sound unhelpful but there are only two people who can answer that question...

What does the fiancée think about it all? It's not like you will never be seeing her and this is not a 1, 5, 10, 20 years commitment, this is the rest of your life you are talking about so you'd better get a handle on it.

Just to give you an idea my neighbour used to work in the City coming back to this part of the World most Fridays and gone by 6am on a Monday. Then they were similar except all over the east of the country and in London. The they got early retirement and were at home all day and then started a little property based business and took on that odd 1 day a month type consultancy work. It is a rear day that they are not at home during the week and there are many days that they are at home or about all day.

In this time their wife has been working full time locally but then in the last year has retired herself. They are as close a couple today as they have ever been.

In the last 10 years my fiancée has had everything from 2+ month unemployed to 3 nights a week away in London Monday-Friday, to 'normal' hours and home by 6 every night.

As life goes on situations and relationships change. This is something that you have to accept and adapt to. There are so many variables that only you and your fiancée will have any idea if it would work for you guys, and how long you can run it like that for. In our case we had a year with her away in London and it put stain on us but not too much - we are both very happy in each other's company or with our own company, above all though enjoying our lives together is the most important thing, and that means being open, honest and accepting that sometimes living arrangements are not all you would wish, but it is building for the bigger picture and brighter future.

Timmy40

12,915 posts

197 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
To be honest I can only ever see that this should be a problem if the OP had young kids with the fiancée. In which case it's fair enough if they want you home earlyish most nights.

dieseluser07

Original Poster:

2,452 posts

115 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
Timmy40 said:
Now, call me old fashioned, but......you could ask your fiancée what she thinks?
She seems to be ok with it but i dont know if she has really thought about it, we have a dog so that kind of keeps her company when shes alone i suppose.

dieseluser07

Original Poster:

2,452 posts

115 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
What about the travelling aspect? Would 15 hours driving a week be horrendous? I would be up at 6 and home for 10 a lot of the days but just the 3 days a week.

SistersofPercy

3,334 posts

165 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
Female perspective for you...

Few years ago other half was made redundant and ended up taking a job 140 mile round trip away. Contract was rolling so no point us selling up and moving. He, like you, wanted to come home so we settled into a commuting routine. He'd leave the house at 6am and get home around 8pm. We did this for 3 years.
Truthfully, it was horrible. By the time he'd got in and we'd eaten dinner he was ready for bed because he was knackered. Most of our conversations were held over bluetooth on his drive home. Weekends rolled around and the weeks took their toll so they were mostly spent doing very little. You miss stupid little things like coming home and being able to mow the lawn or put up the shelf you wanted to put up.
Some night the M6 would die miserably so 8pm could be 10pm. I don't think either of us felt particularly close at that time. He existed to work, I literally saw him whilst we ate then it was shower and bed.

12 months ago he got a local job. We both now have a joint hobby, the lawn gets mowed, we sit down for an evening meal at half six and he is much less stressed.

Ultimately it's down to you two how you cope with it, and I know there are people who'll say 'my OH works away for months' or 'my OH is in the army' etc, but for us, who'd always been close and used to operating as a family it was horrible and I'm so glad to be out of it.

Dan_1981

17,351 posts

198 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
dieseluser07 said:
What about the travelling aspect? Would 15 hours driving a week be horrendous? I would be up at 6 and home for 10 a lot of the days but just the 3 days a week.
I spend about 20 hours a week commuting.

It sounds horrendous but isn't too bad.

However doing it on top of a 12 hour day - not sure i'd be enjoying that.

On the Monday for example - imagine you start at 8 - you need to leave at 6, so your up at 05:30ish.

Work 6 - 12 drive home so not back until gone 8. Have some food and before you know it it's 10pm and your falling asleep in your pot noodle.

You only work three shifts but you spend your first day off catching up and sleep and your last day before going back on shift worrying about getting up again the next morning.

dieseluser07

Original Poster:

2,452 posts

115 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
SistersofPercy said:
Female perspective for you...

Few years ago other half was made redundant and ended up taking a job 140 mile round trip away. Contract was rolling so no point us selling up and moving. He, like you, wanted to come home so we settled into a commuting routine. He'd leave the house at 6am and get home around 8pm. We did this for 3 years.
Truthfully, it was horrible. By the time he'd got in and we'd eaten dinner he was ready for bed because he was knackered. Most of our conversations were held over bluetooth on his drive home. Weekends rolled around and the weeks took their toll so they were mostly spent doing very little. You miss stupid little things like coming home and being able to mow the lawn or put up the shelf you wanted to put up.
Some night the M6 would die miserably so 8pm could be 10pm. I don't think either of us felt particularly close at that time. He existed to work, I literally saw him whilst we ate then it was shower and bed.

12 months ago he got a local job. We both now have a joint hobby, the lawn gets mowed, we sit down for an evening meal at half six and he is much less stressed.

Ultimately it's down to you two how you cope with it, and I know there are people who'll say 'my OH works away for months' or 'my OH is in the army' etc, but for us, who'd always been close and used to operating as a family it was horrible and I'm so glad to be out of it.
how many days a week did he work?

SistersofPercy

3,334 posts

165 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
dieseluser07 said:
how many days a week did he work?
Five, Monday to Friday.

so called

9,074 posts

208 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
SistersofPercy said:
Female perspective for you...

Few years ago other half was made redundant and ended up taking a job 140 mile round trip away. Contract was rolling so no point us selling up and moving. He, like you, wanted to come home so we settled into a commuting routine. He'd leave the house at 6am and get home around 8pm. We did this for 3 years.
Truthfully, it was horrible. By the time he'd got in and we'd eaten dinner he was ready for bed because he was knackered. Most of our conversations were held over bluetooth on his drive home. Weekends rolled around and the weeks took their toll so they were mostly spent doing very little. You miss stupid little things like coming home and being able to mow the lawn or put up the shelf you wanted to put up.
Some night the M6 would die miserably so 8pm could be 10pm. I don't think either of us felt particularly close at that time. He existed to work, I literally saw him whilst we ate then it was shower and bed.

12 months ago he got a local job. We both now have a joint hobby, the lawn gets mowed, we sit down for an evening meal at half six and he is much less stressed.

Ultimately it's down to you two how you cope with it, and I know there are people who'll say 'my OH works away for months' or 'my OH is in the army' etc, but for us, who'd always been close and used to operating as a family it was horrible and I'm so glad to be out of it.
This sounds like me and my Wife.
I did freelance contracts for 6 years with anything from 100 to 200 miles per day round trips and it was regularly more than a 5 day week !!!
When hours got excessive I would find local digs.
My Wife didn#t like it as, after a while, all that came out of my face was "I'm tired".

Funny thing is, I took a contract over seas, coming home for a 4 day weekend ever 2 weeks and my Wife thought it was much better.
I'e been doing that now for nearly 20 years yikes

I don't think 3 days per week will be that strenuous.

dieseluser07

Original Poster:

2,452 posts

115 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
SistersofPercy said:
Five, Monday to Friday.
Hmm, i can see that being a strain, not sure how 3 longer days would compare

SistersofPercy

3,334 posts

165 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
3 days would be easier. I guess it also depends on how much you enjoy your job as well. He really didn't enjoy the bureaucracy of his at all and it was just grind. It affected his health.
3 days of something you enjoy and 4 off don't sound as bad, but please prepare for the fact that very long days can turn into very very long days indeed when something goes tits up on the motorway or it snows (not likely yet I realise).

SistersofPercy

3,334 posts

165 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
so called said:
This sounds like me and my Wife.
I did freelance contracts for 6 years with anything from 100 to 200 miles per day round trips and it was regularly more than a 5 day week !!!
When hours got excessive I would find local digs.
My Wife didn#t like it as, after a while, all that came out of my face was "I'm tired".

Funny thing is, I took a contract over seas, coming home for a 4 day weekend ever 2 weeks and my Wife thought it was much better.
I'e been doing that now for nearly 20 years yikes

I don't think 3 days per week will be that strenuous.
See I wanted him to take local digs because I could see just how knackered he was but he never would. I agree 3 days isn't so bad, I admit I missed that in the original post.

dieseluser07

Original Poster:

2,452 posts

115 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
SistersofPercy said:
3 days would be easier. I guess it also depends on how much you enjoy your job as well. He really didn't enjoy the bureaucracy of his at all and it was just grind. It affected his health.
3 days of something you enjoy and 4 off don't sound as bad, but please prepare for the fact that very long days can turn into very very long days indeed when something goes tits up on the motorway or it snows (not likely yet I realise).
How often would that realistically happen? Whats the traffic like in the north 530-745am and 8pm onwards?

SistersofPercy

3,334 posts

165 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
dieseluser07 said:
How often would that realistically happen? Whats the traffic like in the north 530-745am and 8pm onwards?
He found if he left at 4.30pm it would take the same amount of time as if he left at 6pm. Timing the journey is the key really. Early mornings were better, get a 6am start and traffic down the M6 towards Birmingham wouldn't be too bad (though Monday mornings were always worse). Friday afternoons again were bad.
Realistically he had probably a dozen incidents where traffic totally stopped. A couple of motorway closures due to accident, a couple of snow storms bringing travel down to a crawl.

The other thing is if your employer will pay for the toll that will massively improve your journey. His wouldn't, and on top of fuel costs it would have been a huge loss to us to have to pay that too.

dieseluser07

Original Poster:

2,452 posts

115 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
SistersofPercy said:
He found if he left at 4.30pm it would take the same amount of time as if he left at 6pm. Timing the journey is the key really. Early mornings were better, get a 6am start and traffic down the M6 towards Birmingham wouldn't be too bad (though Monday mornings were always worse). Friday afternoons again were bad.
Realistically he had probably a dozen incidents where traffic totally stopped. A couple of motorway closures due to accident, a couple of snow storms bringing travel down to a crawl.

The other thing is if your employer will pay for the toll that will massively improve your journey. His wouldn't, and on top of fuel costs it would have been a huge loss to us to have to pay that too.
Fuel etc is paid for

Riknos

4,700 posts

203 months

Monday 27th April 2015
quotequote all
I used to work 12 hour shifts - 4 on 4 off 2 days 2 nights.

It was hard for my wife as we were recently married and she didn't know anybody around here so didn't have many friends to do things with on the weekends I was working. It did put a strain on our relationship and after a year I quit for less money but better hours so make sure you have the option of going back to normal working hours in the future