Anyone else's 12 year old lad having major tantrums

Anyone else's 12 year old lad having major tantrums

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964Cup

1,407 posts

236 months

Monday 27th April 2015
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I'm no expert, but I also have a 12-year old (girl in this case). She exhibits similar behaviour, and is similarly transformed when away from the pressurised environment of school. I'm a little taken aback by all the "psychotic, Aspergers" diagnoses people have rushed into here. My understanding is that this, in varying degrees, is normal for kids of this age as they test boundaries and react to the toxic combination of sudden social pressure and increasing academic expectation. I would suggest trying to be supportive rather than seeing it entirely as a challenge to your authority. Not because that's working any kind of magic in my own household, but it's a bit less soul-destroying and I can't help feeling it's better for the kid. I can't imagine it's much fun being 12 these days, what with all things digital turning the self-consciousness, peer pressure, confusing influx of adult information and proto-adult hormones into a turbocharged nightmare.

In fact, I hear my daughter losing the plot right now, so I'd better go and see what's happening. Likely to be homework-related...

surveyor

17,764 posts

183 months

Monday 27th April 2015
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Croyde... You sound like a top dad.

Step-son went through a similar stage at 12. Sadly his dad decided that he was super dad and used it to get the lad living with him. The result is a lad whose morals can be slightly skewed (as his dad has none), and whose behavour carried on creating chaos throughout the remainder of school years.

Serious question - are you sure he's not been trying any illegal substances? It happens and can affect behaviour.

Otherwise I guess it's a game of consequences and staying on side with him mum.

AJordan

169 posts

142 months

Monday 27th April 2015
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GG89 said:
I'd bet the bullying at school is a LOT worse than he's letting on and needs nipped in the bud asap.
I'd also wager that this is the root of it, without doubt being picked on at school (where he spends a large proportion of his time) would get to everyone eventually

Efbe

9,251 posts

165 months

Monday 27th April 2015
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I think it' a lot more simple. He has lost respect for his mum.

being calm, and not shouting is all well and good, until it is seen as a weakness. Shouting does work.

Also I don't think kids should have Computers, TVs or XBOXs etc in their rooms at all until they can be trusted to self govern usage. If that's when they are 17yo, then so be it. Issue in the morning rather than night usually point to being too tired. If it's when they get home from school then due to a st time at school.

CoolHands

18,496 posts

194 months

Monday 27th April 2015
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Can he live with you for a year?

sone

4,585 posts

237 months

Monday 27th April 2015
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Jeez it would seem to me that these days parents are too busy either giving their children excuses to be little bratts telling them its not their faults they are bratts or convincing themselves its their own fault that and they are giving their children enough love, money attention, mobile phones, games etc etc.
My dad always said that there was only one person who was allowed to have a tantrum in our house and that was him.
I realise some children have more complex issues but while we are busy giving them all the excuses don't be surprised if some use them.!

oldcynic

2,166 posts

160 months

Monday 27th April 2015
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I'd look to a combination of factors which will likely feed into each other, potentially all a chain reaction from the bullying - so then seeking solace in jars of nutella, packets of sweets and bottles of lucozade/red bull/cheap cola. Teenage hormones are also on the rampage.

Home is the safe place to explode, amongst family members who are safe. Not acceptable, but reality.

Any thoughts of aspergers, austism, conduct disorder etc etc should be left until the simple problems have been explored - and in my experience you'd know well before age 12 that you're dealing with some sort of disorder. Deal with the bullying head-on - and if that means changing class, changing school, changing transport arrangements then so be it.

oilandwater

1,408 posts

189 months

Monday 27th April 2015
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I'm just thinking it's nothing more than good old fashioned growing up.
You are separated from your wife, so he thinks he is now the man about the house. He doesn't know how to be authoritative so he looks to his nearby counterparts, his elders at school. Lots of young men usually shouting, lots of teachers throwing their authority about in aggressive ways no doubt. He sees your wife as week, he is replicating how he feels at school.
Just my opinion.
I suggest gentle guiding on your part, he is ok with you, so you are doing something right. Guide him in the right direction. Sympathise with him, he us at a difficult age.
Hth

elanfan

5,516 posts

226 months

Monday 27th April 2015
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6ft 12 year old probably puberty

LewG

1,357 posts

145 months

Monday 27th April 2015
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It was a fair while ago now being 21 but I remember being quite emotionally unstable around that age in the last years of middle school as we have a three tier school system. For some reason I worried constantly about even the smallest of things, hated school and never wanted to be there, partly due to the other kids being so immature. It didn't help being made to feel completely inferior by adults, particularly teachers, who completely failed to speak to me on their level. Every weekend I'd be working on something with my dad, out at a car show, riding motorbikes or shooting with family etc. Always longed for the 'escape' and Sunday nights were filled with dread at the prospect of Monday morning. Not that I was ever quite to the level you describe but I clearly remember having a nasty side and could snap easily. It's not nice at all, he's probably far brighter than you think and something to work towards or get interested in could do him a world of good.

smifffymoto

4,527 posts

204 months

Monday 27th April 2015
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It's his age and hormones I'm afraid..Nowt you can do about it but endure it.

Insanity Magnet

616 posts

152 months

Monday 27th April 2015
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My son is younger (8) but is having similar outbursts, increasingly fractious and increasingly physical. As noted above they tend to occur after he has lost control of a situation and has been bottling things up during the school day.

He's very process driven (things must follow his rules /routines /expectations) and anything out of the norm is normally a catalyst. We think he is demonstrating some of the obvious symptoms of Asperger's (lists, lack of empathy, bonkers encyclopaedic knowledge about certain interests) and are tempted to have him chat to a psychologist. Only problems are (a)we're not keen on getting him labelled and (b) he's bright enough to know that we're having him assessed for something and quite capable of researching it (if not getting to the right conclusions just yet).

I've asked him to write down what he thinks causes him issues. We'll see how he mulls that one over (I'll probably cause our resident educational/ child psychologists to choke on their tea here).

No idea how to handle it (we're obviously failing somewhere) but you're quite right, shouting isn't the answer.

Edited by Insanity Magnet on Monday 27th April 23:16

PurpleTurtle

6,935 posts

143 months

Monday 27th April 2015
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My nipper is only 9 wks old, so I can't tell you much from that angle, but my ex-girlfriend had a stroppy teenage son, so I can sympathise.

She found that he was constantly on some sort of electronic device -Xbox, laptop, tablet, mobile when in bed, until the early hours, getting far less sleep than he should have been, which followed thru into the next day with irritability, not doing as well as he could at school, then feeling the pressure from that. She found that putting the wireless router in her room and turning it off after 11pm helped. No connection = cut off from the outside world.

Kids these days seem to be on their devices all the time, I guess I'd be the same - we had to settle for jazz mags found in a bush somewhere, back in my day! smile

croyde

Original Poster:

22,700 posts

229 months

Tuesday 28th April 2015
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I picked him up from school today as he didn't finish until late evening. I asked him about last night and he just said that he can't help it and doesn't mean what he says and now feels so guilty.

I did chat about how his behaviour is disrupting the family but I know it'll happen again. He was late as they went wake boarding with the school (in my day we only left the school to do running followed by sports teachers with sticks). It was the first time for a small group of lads and he was really excited about it and said that he had made friends.

Fingers crossed that he learns to do it well and has something in common with the rest of the group.

Thanks everyone for your inputs by the way. Much appreciated and nice to get it all out as I have no one to talk to about it, apart from my ex.

JJ55

648 posts

114 months

Tuesday 28th April 2015
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I think perhaps he needs to talk to someone outside the family. You don't need a doc on Harley street. There will be counsellors/ psychologists local to you & way cheaper. He's got a few issues going on judging by what you've said in your posts. The two main ones being something going on at school & the fact his mum has had cancer. Might be good for him to talk to someone who he feels is unbiased.

Emeye

9,773 posts

222 months

Tuesday 28th April 2015
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Insanity Magnet said:
My son is younger (8) but is having similar outbursts, increasingly fractious and increasingly physical. As noted above they tend to occur after he has lost control of a situation and has been bottling things up during the school day.

He's very process driven (things must follow his rules /routines /expectations) and anything out of the norm is normally a catalyst. We think he is demonstrating some of the obvious symptoms of Asperger's (lists, lack of empathy, bonkers encyclopaedic knowledge about certain interests) and are tempted to have him chat to a psychologist. Only problems are (a)we're not keen on getting him labelled and (b) he's bright enough to know that we're having him assessed for something and quite capable of researching it (if not getting to the right conclusions just yet).

I've asked him to write down what he thinks causes him issues. We'll see how he mulls that one over (I'll probably cause our resident educational/ child psychologists to choke on their tea here).

No idea how to handle it (we're obviously failing somewhere) but you're quite right, shouting isn't the answer.

Edited by Insanity Magnet on Monday 27th April 23:16
Isn't it better for you child's issues to be identified so they can get the help required?

You shouldn't worry about getting your son labeled. Following our experience of my now 11 year old stepson who was struggling at school, but did not have any behaviour issues, it seems once you've fought the system, which is defensive due to bad parents looking for an excuse for their child's behaviour rather than themselves, the experts are very good at identifying the issues. In our son's case it is dyslexia and dyspraxia and so he is now getting the help he needs and it helped us identify the best secondary school for him who will be ready for when he starts this summer.

My wife's friend works with school children who are struggling or have behaviour problems, and it seems there is usually an underlying issue. She is very good at just talking to children and letting them tell her how they feel. It takes time but once she has their confidence they will tell her the truth.

To the OP and you Insanity Magnet, I would suggest you and the teachers are not always best placed to work out the problems and an expert would help. If your child is just being a hormonal little st they will say so but may suggest techniques to help.

As an example our stepson does get frustrated and angry with himself when he struggles with homework, but our friend helped him make a stress box containing items that help him calm down, and it really works as it gives him something to focus on during those times.

Insanity Magnet

616 posts

152 months

Tuesday 28th April 2015
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Emeye said:
Isn't it better for you child's issues to be identified so they can get the help required?

You shouldn't worry about getting your son labeled. Following our experience of my now 11 year old stepson who was struggling at school, but did not have any behaviour issues, it seems once you've fought the system, which is defensive due to bad parents looking for an excuse for their child's behaviour rather than themselves, the experts are very good at identifying the issues. In our son's case it is dyslexia and dyspraxia and so he is now getting the help he needs and it helped us identify the best secondary school for him who will be ready for when he starts this summer.

My wife's friend works with school children who are struggling or have behaviour problems, and it seems there is usually an underlying issue. She is very good at just talking to children and letting them tell her how they feel. It takes time but once she has their confidence they will tell her the truth.

To the OP and you Insanity Magnet, I would suggest you and the teachers are not always best placed to work out the problems and an expert would help. If your child is just being a hormonal little st they will say so but may suggest techniques to help.

As an example our stepson does get frustrated and angry with himself when he struggles with homework, but our friend helped him make a stress box containing items that help him calm down, and it really works as it gives him something to focus on during those times.
I think assessment probably is the way to go. Both grandmothers are ex-teachers, my mother previously specialising in learning disabilities, dyslexia and psychologically "different" children. They're dead set against assessment, though I suspect much might have changed in the 10 years since they both retired.


Emeye

9,773 posts

222 months

Tuesday 28th April 2015
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Insanity Magnet said:
I think assessment probably is the way to go. Both grandmothers are ex-teachers, my mother previously specialising in learning disabilities, dyslexia and psychologically "different" children. They're dead set against assessment, though I suspect much might have changed in the 10 years since they both retired.
Things are getting better from our experience. There is a lot of politics involved though. These experts cost the school and local council money. It doesn't help when parents are looking for any excuse for their child's bad behaviour or lack of school results. I have personally seen parents pushing for their child to be assessed as dyslexic when the issue was really that the child was just of below average intelligence.

It can be harder to get help if the child is not disruptive at school as they are not seen as a problem! Sad but true, but worth sticking to your guns if you really think there is an issue. Some teachers/head teachers can't be arsed, some are amazingly supportive.

I just hope the massive effort my wife and some of the teachers have made will help him when he comes to face his greatest challenge yet - puberty and starting high school!

Baryonyx

17,990 posts

158 months

Tuesday 28th April 2015
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croyde said:
I normally go the full Phil Mitchell from Eastenders on him but I'll see if I have some Bane gear knocking around biggrin
I have a Jaguar XJ in full 'Phil Mitchell' colours, green with oatmeal interior. Let me know if you need to borrow it for the full East London hardman impression.

vx220

2,689 posts

233 months

Tuesday 28th April 2015
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If it continues, you need to be seeing his internet history, especially social media

Someone suggested bullying, but the new ways seem to be much harder for kids to deal with (probably because there is so much of it and it's so difficult to escape)