a discussion about ageing parents and death.

a discussion about ageing parents and death.

Author
Discussion

Shaw Tarse

31,543 posts

202 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
drivin_me_nuts said:
ali_kat said:
superlightr said:
stuff
It is, but it's also a blessing. He's happy. DMN & ShawTarse have met him & will attest to that smile

To me, what your Dad went through is heartbreaking cry
Ali, your dad is lovely and a real gentle soul.
Indeed,when I met him,he was great.
Not distressed, looked like he felt half pished (in a good way)

Tom_C76

1,923 posts

187 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
re the potential Parkinsons, get said parent to discuss it with the doctor ASAP as getting onto the right drugs can really help at least in the shorter term, particularly with general mobility though not the tremor.

R2T2

4,076 posts

121 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
My dad's 67, and I'm 21. And I do worry about what would happen when he inevitably passes on. My main target currently is to be completely settled with my own home before he passes. I plan to have it done in the next 5 years, i'm getting there.

LordGrover

33,531 posts

211 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
Odd the way we're all different.

My Dad's 82, fit & healthy and still full of beans. He has a long term girlfriend he sees twice a week. If we're lucky he could easily last 20 years more, or he may drop dead tomorrow. He's quite sanguine about it.

If he has an issue, it's that his friends have been popping off for years. There used to be a small gang of a dozen or so who met up a couple of times a week at the local. I think there's four or five left now, and most of them seem to be old, even the young'n who's just 70.

I think Dad's main concern is, apart from our small family, he has fewer and fewer mates.

BuzzBravado

2,944 posts

170 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
Shaw Tarse said:
As people get older they go to more funerals than weddings frown
I'm 32 and that has happened already.

rambo19

2,737 posts

136 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
I have spoken to my parents about what funeral they want, and they have both said what they want.
Mum- burried with my brother.
Dad- cremated and ashes scattered over salisbury plain.

But we are all missing another important aspect, what if we go before them?
I have spoken to my mum/dad/sisters/brother about what I want. I'm not married with any children, so no major headaches.

Zod

35,295 posts

257 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
We've lost both of our fathers over the last couple of years. Mine died of cancer at 74 over more than a year. My wife's died in hospital after a routine operation at 89. My grandfather died the same way at 87. My grandmother declined steadily over the next 8 years, growing progressively more confused.

The later memories of the elderly parents and grandparents who departed quickly at the end of a long life are much happier than the memories of those whom we saw die over a protracted time.

J4CKO

41,287 posts

199 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
My grandad died a couple of years back and he said to my mum and auntie "I think your old dads on his way out" and he died a couple of days later.

My grandma is still with us and mentally as alert as ever at 90, if not exactly spritely, she had to be told to make a will but doesnt seem to dwell on her age, though in a carpet shop the salesman was extolling the benefits of a specific type of carpet "You will get thirty years out of that", my grandma said "I will be 120 before I need to change that carpet" and laughed.

I think you start preparing yourself as you get older yourself, losing a parent younger must be harder, I always try to see them every week and speak on the phone regularly.


Kermit power

28,634 posts

212 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
I know a few things, such as the general disposition of the will, the location and code to the safe and the like, and the fact that my mother has changed from wanting her ashes scattered where she grew up as a child to being next to my dad, although he's still alive now, so I don't know if she expects him to carry the urn around everywhere with him if she goes first! hehe

One relief is that my father has lived to see his grandchildren. I always knew that my paternal grandfather died 6 weeks before I (the eldest grandchild) was born, but I didn't know until after my daughter was born that my paternal great grandfather also died 6 weeks before my father (also the eldest grandchild) was born!

Obviously I'm happy that the kids will have known their granddad for 7 years and rising in the case of the youngest, but I'm also pretty happy that he broke the family trend and avoided me having to get my own kids secretly sterilised!!

minerva

756 posts

203 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
drivin_me_nuts said:
Morningside said:
I lost both my parents before I was 40. They had me much later in life but you always think they are going to live forever. But as time moves on you can see that they ARE getting older.

My father had Parkinsons and had given up. He was always a very strong proud old fashioned man (suit, tie, hat) who never discussed his feelings but I was shocked one day when he took me to one side to talk about what he had left me in his will. He had sorted all his affairs before the end and it was like he knew time was short and although he wanted to live to 102 he died aged 87. I think the low points for him was me having to get him out of the bath.
It was hard to see him in the hospital and he stayed in a coma for 2 weeks before he died and although he never hit me his word WAS God and yes, I was scared of him. But he looked so small, so insignificant.

My mother always moaned about dad but when he died she seemed so lost and I know she missed him. She died 5 years later with heart trouble and also lost her marbles. It was so hard that the person you are talking to has no real idea who you are. I remember telling her that she cannot leave the Hospital as she was trying to sneak out. It was really odd as she almost turned into a child being told off as this woman (my mother) was sitting on the hospital bed with her suitcases like a little lost orphan. A very, very sad sight.

I think one of the hardest things was selling the house that you have such a close connection with and all your childhood memories are tied up in it. What I found made it easier (if that's the word) is take out all the REAL personal stuff and get someone else to clear the property otherwise you will finish up keeping everything.
The other hard thing to get used to is noone to run to. It does not matter what the hell you do in life your parents will always listen and give advice. Yes, you have your wife but your parents have always helped you out and in my case out of a lot of st they I have got myself into.

Like you I have also lost my wife after a very short time after diagnosis (7 weeks) but we talked and talked everyday so that nothing is or has been left unsaid although I still miss her terribly.
Your last sentence is one I know only to well. It doesn't get easier, but you learn to swerve around the worst of it until one day, some day, it hurts less and you start to live more. I'm getting married soon, but my lass will always be my lass and I think about her every day, but not in mourning in any more, but now as a guide and a light as to how to live my life better and well - which works for me as it kept me from falling into a lonely abyss. I wish you every happiness.
Bloody hell, guys. I just shed more than one tear. I don't know what to say.

minerva

756 posts

203 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
drivin_me_nuts said:
Morningside said:
I lost both my parents before I was 40. They had me much later in life but you always think they are going to live forever. But as time moves on you can see that they ARE getting older.

My father had Parkinsons and had given up. He was always a very strong proud old fashioned man (suit, tie, hat) who never discussed his feelings but I was shocked one day when he took me to one side to talk about what he had left me in his will. He had sorted all his affairs before the end and it was like he knew time was short and although he wanted to live to 102 he died aged 87. I think the low points for him was me having to get him out of the bath.
It was hard to see him in the hospital and he stayed in a coma for 2 weeks before he died and although he never hit me his word WAS God and yes, I was scared of him. But he looked so small, so insignificant.

My mother always moaned about dad but when he died she seemed so lost and I know she missed him. She died 5 years later with heart trouble and also lost her marbles. It was so hard that the person you are talking to has no real idea who you are. I remember telling her that she cannot leave the Hospital as she was trying to sneak out. It was really odd as she almost turned into a child being told off as this woman (my mother) was sitting on the hospital bed with her suitcases like a little lost orphan. A very, very sad sight.

I think one of the hardest things was selling the house that you have such a close connection with and all your childhood memories are tied up in it. What I found made it easier (if that's the word) is take out all the REAL personal stuff and get someone else to clear the property otherwise you will finish up keeping everything.
The other hard thing to get used to is noone to run to. It does not matter what the hell you do in life your parents will always listen and give advice. Yes, you have your wife but your parents have always helped you out and in my case out of a lot of st they I have got myself into.

Like you I have also lost my wife after a very short time after diagnosis (7 weeks) but we talked and talked everyday so that nothing is or has been left unsaid although I still miss her terribly.
Your last sentence is one I know only to well. It doesn't get easier, but you learn to swerve around the worst of it until one day, some day, it hurts less and you start to live more. I'm getting married soon, but my lass will always be my lass and I think about her every day, but not in mourning in any more, but now as a guide and a light as to how to live my life better and well - which works for me as it kept me from falling into a lonely abyss. I wish you every happiness.
Bloody hell, guys. I just shed more than one tear. I don't know what to say.

superlightr

12,842 posts

262 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
minerva said:
Bloody hell, guys. I just shed more than one tear. I don't know what to say.
its very dusty - gets in the eyes.

briangriffin

1,570 posts

167 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
What if you don't really get along with your parents though?

Fell out with my mother a couple of years ago, father used to sneak around ringing my and my brother but she caught him out a few times and think she gave him an ultimatum 'them or me',

she more than likely did as when i tried to reason with her over the falling out issues she basically said 'I'll take him for everything i can get' when i let slip that we had given him fathers day cards which he'd lied to her about.


I sort of expect a phone call in the coming years informing that one of them is ill, and perhaps along the lines of try speak to her before she goes but in all honestly i think she'd take her stubbornness, jealousy and grudge to the grave rather than apologise to us.

Worries me that my dad may go though and i'd have to attend his funeral with her there..... not sure how i'd cope with that.


sorry a bit of a different tilt to the discussions with parents and the end game that everyone else has had....

grumpy52

5,565 posts

165 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
It's the small things that make the last months or weeks so special .
I took my mum and my dad on local car rides , we found spots that bought back so many memories also local sites that dad had never been to , they seem to perk up with good memories .
This leads to them telling you of their choices for the last period of life , it's painful and emotional but you will feel so grateful to be able to fulfill their wishes .

thepeoplespal

1,615 posts

276 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
My Pop's wants taken to his church funeral in a tractor and trailer before he is dibbled in (as he calls it) beside his parents, there was mention of using a dung spreader rather than a trailer but he thinks people might baulk at that. :-).

9mm

3,128 posts

209 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
Where to start?
Maybe from the position that we're all going one day and that things don't always follow a natural order.
I had a sister in law, had her life all worked out, including her anticipated inheritance. Picked up a rare cancer and died at 48. The parent is still going strong and I wouldn't bet against them outliving the children.
I say stay away from the discussion all the time they are fit and healthy and save it for the time you will have if they enter a final decline.
I see no point in it unless it's to ensure nothing is left unsaid. But against that, most people don't die suddenly and old people have a habit of repeating conversations.
Live in the now.

w00tman

603 posts

144 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
My dad died on Sunday. He had cancer and a diagnosis of 12 months to live - but he fought for almost exactly three long years. Got to see his my daughter born, and even his first great grandchild.

What's the thread - "cancer is an effing b@stard" or something like that? frown

mcelliott

8,626 posts

180 months

Tuesday 30th June 2015
quotequote all
I never got to see my father get old as he committed suicide when I was only 10 years old, however my mother is still going strong at the age of 81 (swims in the sea every day all year round). Do find her increasingly annoying at times! But maybe I should just let her rant! smile

Granville

983 posts

170 months

Thursday 2nd July 2015
quotequote all
briangriffin said:
What if you don't really get along with your parents though?

Fell out with my mother a couple of years ago, father used to sneak around ringing my and my brother but she caught him out a few times and think she gave him an ultimatum 'them or me',

she more than likely did as when i tried to reason with her over the falling out issues she basically said 'I'll take him for everything i can get' when i let slip that we had given him fathers day cards which he'd lied to her about.


I sort of expect a phone call in the coming years informing that one of them is ill, and perhaps along the lines of try speak to her before she goes but in all honestly i think she'd take her stubbornness, jealousy and grudge to the grave rather than apologise to us.

Worries me that my dad may go though and i'd have to attend his funeral with her there..... not sure how i'd cope with that.


sorry a bit of a different tilt to the discussions with parents and the end game that everyone else has had....
I know what slant you're coming from. Can't remember last time I saw my father, some 20 odd years ago briefly and that was the first time in 18 years. I had nothing to say to him, he's just a stranger to me whose face I know.

I've never been close to my mother, my nan (her mother) practically brought me up before I was old enough to do it myself, and nan died years ago. I had (yet another) falling out with my mother maybe 10 years ago, she yet again disowned me / wish she'd never had me and we left it at that.

As of today, she still doesn't want to know me, nor meet her grandson. I'm really not sure how I'll feel when that inevitable phone call comes saying she had gone. In one sense I've already lost my mum, or perhaps I never had one to loose?

Quickmoose

4,482 posts

122 months

Friday 3rd July 2015
quotequote all
Granville said:
briangriffin said:
What if you don't really get along with your parents though?

Fell out with my mother a couple of years ago, father used to sneak around ringing my and my brother but she caught him out a few times and think she gave him an ultimatum 'them or me',

she more than likely did as when i tried to reason with her over the falling out issues she basically said 'I'll take him for everything i can get' when i let slip that we had given him fathers day cards which he'd lied to her about.


I sort of expect a phone call in the coming years informing that one of them is ill, and perhaps along the lines of try speak to her before she goes but in all honestly i think she'd take her stubbornness, jealousy and grudge to the grave rather than apologise to us.

Worries me that my dad may go though and i'd have to attend his funeral with her there..... not sure how i'd cope with that.


sorry a bit of a different tilt to the discussions with parents and the end game that everyone else has had....
I know what slant you're coming from. Can't remember last time I saw my father, some 20 odd years ago briefly and that was the first time in 18 years. I had nothing to say to him, he's just a stranger to me whose face I know.

I've never been close to my mother, my nan (her mother) practically brought me up before I was old enough to do it myself, and nan died years ago. I had (yet another) falling out with my mother maybe 10 years ago, she yet again disowned me / wish she'd never had me and we left it at that.

As of today, she still doesn't want to know me, nor meet her grandson. I'm really not sure how I'll feel when that inevitable phone call comes saying she had gone. In one sense I've already lost my mum, or perhaps I never had one to loose?
All of that is sadder than the idea of discussing actual death.
Decades of upset and ongoing negativity as opposed to the inevitable (normally) much shorter proposition of dealing with failing loved ones ....that you'd already spent a lifetime with.
This awful scenario are ahead of me too frown