Communicating and dementia
Discussion
I struggle to figure out how best to talk to my dad on the days when he's not with it.
When he's talking nonsense, I never know if it's best to challenge him or play along.
I'm ashamed to say that, often, my reaction depends on how frustrated I am.
I suppose there are three different scenarios to which I have specific ways of responding.
When he's talking nonsense, I never know if it's best to challenge him or play along.
I'm ashamed to say that, often, my reaction depends on how frustrated I am.
I suppose there are three different scenarios to which I have specific ways of responding.
- If he's just talking nonsense to nobody in particular, I pretty much ignore and let him get on with it.
- If he's talking nonsense directly to me, I try and change the subject on to something connected to reality.
- If he's asking for something specific to be done but it's nonsense, I try and say the thing isn't necessary as I reckon that leaving stuff unresolved could be a source of anxiety.
Edited by Kiltie on Tuesday 21st July 23:32
Ruskie said:
Did you see the program called 'Dementiaville' on channel 4 a few weeks back? Well worth a look.
When I talk with people with dementia I tend to agree with whatever they are talking about. Definitely keep calm and patient though, don't forget it's not his fault.
once a certain point has been reached as dementia progresses, you cannot adequately bring someone with dementia to the 'reality' of today;s time and date , relationship dynamics etc ... When I talk with people with dementia I tend to agree with whatever they are talking about. Definitely keep calm and patient though, don't forget it's not his fault.
at that point the least stressful approach for all is to tolerate their reality ...
if someone;s short term memory is shot - which is really qite common in people with dementia or patchy - every time you tell them something they don;t remember it;s like experiencing the event for the first time ...
oh the joys of mental capacity and best interests assessment in people with dementia ...
one way to imagine dementia is that someone has gone round a complex set of circuits randomly loosening connections, pulling wires out and so on ... so everyone's progression is difficult
I spend a day each week helping care for someone with Alzheimers.
When she is not making any sense I find a slow nod and a Mmm seems to satisfy.
As a side note, we have recently discovered that 50s/60s music works wonders when things are bad.
In our care, Elvis.
Does an amazing job of raising her mood, particularly if we get up and dance a little. (That's us not her).
When she is not making any sense I find a slow nod and a Mmm seems to satisfy.
As a side note, we have recently discovered that 50s/60s music works wonders when things are bad.
In our care, Elvis.
Does an amazing job of raising her mood, particularly if we get up and dance a little. (That's us not her).
longshot said:
I spend a day each week helping care for someone with Alzheimers.
When she is not making any sense I find a slow nod and a Mmm seems to satisfy.
As a side note, we have recently discovered that 50s/60s music works wonders when things are bad.
In our care, Elvis.
Does an amazing job of raising her mood, particularly if we get up and dance a little. (That's us not her).
this is also something to remember todays 'old' people are often big band / rock and roll era people... (someone who is 80 today was born in 1935 and would have been starting work / going out / courting in the mid 1950s)When she is not making any sense I find a slow nod and a Mmm seems to satisfy.
As a side note, we have recently discovered that 50s/60s music works wonders when things are bad.
In our care, Elvis.
Does an amazing job of raising her mood, particularly if we get up and dance a little. (That's us not her).
where i work the elvis / rat pack / big band CDs get plenty of play ...
Kiltie said:
I struggle to figure out how best to talk to my dad on the days when he's not with it.
When he's talking nonsense, I never know if it's best to challenge him or play along.
I'm ashamed to say that, often, my reaction depends on how frustrated I am.
I suppose there are three different scenarios to which I have specific ways of responding.
Never challenge him, if he's talking bWhen he's talking nonsense, I never know if it's best to challenge him or play along.
I'm ashamed to say that, often, my reaction depends on how frustrated I am.
I suppose there are three different scenarios to which I have specific ways of responding.
- If he's just talking nonsense to nobody in particular, I pretty much ignore and let him get on with it.
- If he's talking nonsense directly to me, I try and change the subject on to something connected to reality.
- If he's asking for something specific to be done but it's nonsense, I try and say the thing isn't necessary as I reckon that leaving stuff unresolved could be a source of anxiety.
Edited by Kiltie on Tuesday 21st July 23:32
ks only one of you is aware of it, just let him get on with it. The best thing to do is agree and smile pleasantly, he will not remember the conversation anyway.My 75 year old dad often asks after his mother (when his speech is intelligible), we just tell him she's popped to Sainsburys as we've found that answer satisfies him. The truth no longer matters, you just need to put their mind at rest at that moment in time. White lies will become your friend in time
WinstonWolf said:
Never challenge him, if he's talking bks only one of you is aware of it, just let him get on with it. The best thing to do is agree and smile pleasantly, he will not remember the conversation anyway.
My 75 year old dad often asks after his mother (when his speech is intelligible), we just tell him she's popped to Sainsburys as we've found that answer satisfies him. The truth no longer matters, you just need to put their mind at rest at that moment in time. White lies will become your friend in time
Sad that it is, lies do become an essential tool in your arsenal.ks only one of you is aware of it, just let him get on with it. The best thing to do is agree and smile pleasantly, he will not remember the conversation anyway.My 75 year old dad often asks after his mother (when his speech is intelligible), we just tell him she's popped to Sainsburys as we've found that answer satisfies him. The truth no longer matters, you just need to put their mind at rest at that moment in time. White lies will become your friend in time
You say and do whatever is needed at any particular time to satisfy their questions and to keep them happy and calm.
You are essentially looking after a child ( and an often petulant and mardy one at that) and all the things you employ with a child tend to work.
IMO anyway.
WinstonWolf said:
Never challenge him, if he's talking bks only one of you is aware of it, just let him get on with it. The best thing to do is agree and smile pleasantly, he will not remember the conversation anyway.
My 75 year old dad often asks after his mother (when his speech is intelligible), we just tell him she's popped to Sainsburys as we've found that answer satisfies him. The truth no longer matters, you just need to put their mind at rest at that moment in time. White lies will become your friend in time
absolutely - challenging someone with moderate to advanced dementia will just cause problems ... ks only one of you is aware of it, just let him get on with it. The best thing to do is agree and smile pleasantly, he will not remember the conversation anyway.My 75 year old dad often asks after his mother (when his speech is intelligible), we just tell him she's popped to Sainsburys as we've found that answer satisfies him. The truth no longer matters, you just need to put their mind at rest at that moment in time. White lies will become your friend in time
longshot said:
WinstonWolf said:
Never challenge him, if he's talking bks only one of you is aware of it, just let him get on with it. The best thing to do is agree and smile pleasantly, he will not remember the conversation anyway.
My 75 year old dad often asks after his mother (when his speech is intelligible), we just tell him she's popped to Sainsburys as we've found that answer satisfies him. The truth no longer matters, you just need to put their mind at rest at that moment in time. White lies will become your friend in time
Sad that it is, lies do become an essential tool in your arsenal.ks only one of you is aware of it, just let him get on with it. The best thing to do is agree and smile pleasantly, he will not remember the conversation anyway.My 75 year old dad often asks after his mother (when his speech is intelligible), we just tell him she's popped to Sainsburys as we've found that answer satisfies him. The truth no longer matters, you just need to put their mind at rest at that moment in time. White lies will become your friend in time
You say and do whatever is needed at any particular time to satisfy their questions and to keep them happy and calm.
You are essentially looking after a child ( and an often petulant and mardy one at that) and all the things you employ with a child tend to work.
IMO anyway.
mph1977 said:
longshot said:
I spend a day each week helping care for someone with Alzheimers.
When she is not making any sense I find a slow nod and a Mmm seems to satisfy.
As a side note, we have recently discovered that 50s/60s music works wonders when things are bad.
In our care, Elvis.
Does an amazing job of raising her mood, particularly if we get up and dance a little. (That's us not her).
this is also something to remember todays 'old' people are often big band / rock and roll era people... (someone who is 80 today was born in 1935 and would have been starting work / going out / courting in the mid 1950s)When she is not making any sense I find a slow nod and a Mmm seems to satisfy.
As a side note, we have recently discovered that 50s/60s music works wonders when things are bad.
In our care, Elvis.
Does an amazing job of raising her mood, particularly if we get up and dance a little. (That's us not her).
where i work the elvis / rat pack / big band CDs get plenty of play ...
Also do things like put together a scrapbook of images and fashion from when they were young adults. Things like family photos including the family at home and holiday snaps can help.
mph1977 said:
longshot said:
WinstonWolf said:
Never challenge him, if he's talking bks only one of you is aware of it, just let him get on with it. The best thing to do is agree and smile pleasantly, he will not remember the conversation anyway.
My 75 year old dad often asks after his mother (when his speech is intelligible), we just tell him she's popped to Sainsburys as we've found that answer satisfies him. The truth no longer matters, you just need to put their mind at rest at that moment in time. White lies will become your friend in time
Sad that it is, lies do become an essential tool in your arsenal.ks only one of you is aware of it, just let him get on with it. The best thing to do is agree and smile pleasantly, he will not remember the conversation anyway.My 75 year old dad often asks after his mother (when his speech is intelligible), we just tell him she's popped to Sainsburys as we've found that answer satisfies him. The truth no longer matters, you just need to put their mind at rest at that moment in time. White lies will become your friend in time
You say and do whatever is needed at any particular time to satisfy their questions and to keep them happy and calm.
You are essentially looking after a child ( and an often petulant and mardy one at that) and all the things you employ with a child tend to work.
IMO anyway.
Hoofy said:
mph1977 said:
longshot said:
I spend a day each week helping care for someone with Alzheimers.
When she is not making any sense I find a slow nod and a Mmm seems to satisfy.
As a side note, we have recently discovered that 50s/60s music works wonders when things are bad.
In our care, Elvis.
Does an amazing job of raising her mood, particularly if we get up and dance a little. (That's us not her).
this is also something to remember todays 'old' people are often big band / rock and roll era people... (someone who is 80 today was born in 1935 and would have been starting work / going out / courting in the mid 1950s)When she is not making any sense I find a slow nod and a Mmm seems to satisfy.
As a side note, we have recently discovered that 50s/60s music works wonders when things are bad.
In our care, Elvis.
Does an amazing job of raising her mood, particularly if we get up and dance a little. (That's us not her).
where i work the elvis / rat pack / big band CDs get plenty of play ...
Also do things like put together a scrapbook of images and fashion from when they were young adults. Things like family photos including the family at home and holiday snaps can help.
longshot said:
I know I'm not looking after a child. I was just trying to put over the 'flavour'
it;s a dignity issue , if staff were to use that terminology in relation to someone with dementia they would, rightly , be censured, you can't force lay people ot change terminology , only try and encourage the use of appropriate terminology ... As others have mentioned, it's best just to play along. If you're dismissive and get upset they will have absolutely no idea why you're cross with them and then they can become quite difficult.
It's so upsetting to witness someone you hold so close go through this so you have my deepest and most heartfelt sympathies.
It's so upsetting to witness someone you hold so close go through this so you have my deepest and most heartfelt sympathies.
mph1977 said:
it;s a dignity issue , if staff were to use that terminology in relation to someone with dementia they would, rightly , be censured, you can't force lay people ot change terminology , only try and encourage the use of appropriate terminology ...
You make me want to scream.longshot said:
mph1977 said:
longshot said:
WinstonWolf said:
Never challenge him, if he's talking bks only one of you is aware of it, just let him get on with it. The best thing to do is agree and smile pleasantly, he will not remember the conversation anyway.
My 75 year old dad often asks after his mother (when his speech is intelligible), we just tell him she's popped to Sainsburys as we've found that answer satisfies him. The truth no longer matters, you just need to put their mind at rest at that moment in time. White lies will become your friend in time
Sad that it is, lies do become an essential tool in your arsenal.ks only one of you is aware of it, just let him get on with it. The best thing to do is agree and smile pleasantly, he will not remember the conversation anyway.My 75 year old dad often asks after his mother (when his speech is intelligible), we just tell him she's popped to Sainsburys as we've found that answer satisfies him. The truth no longer matters, you just need to put their mind at rest at that moment in time. White lies will become your friend in time
You say and do whatever is needed at any particular time to satisfy their questions and to keep them happy and calm.
You are essentially looking after a child ( and an often petulant and mardy one at that) and all the things you employ with a child tend to work.
IMO anyway.
longshot said:
mph1977 said:
it;s a dignity issue , if staff were to use that terminology in relation to someone with dementia they would, rightly , be censured, you can't force lay people ot change terminology , only try and encourage the use of appropriate terminology ...
You make me want to scream.for daring to point out a Dignity in Care issue ? one, which if you were the partner/ child / advocate for someone with Dementia you'd likely object to ...
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