Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
Einion Yrth said:
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
You have been asked, time after time, to stop doing this, sometimes even nicely.
Why do you do it, are you really too f'ing thick to realise that this septic punchline b
ks is only for the massively hard of thinking?
You could have just said Americans.You have been asked, time after time, to stop doing this, sometimes even nicely.
Why do you do it, are you really too f'ing thick to realise that this septic punchline b
ks is only for the massively hard of thinking?antspants said:
Einion Yrth said:
Why do you do it, are you really too f'ing thick to realise that this septic punchline bks is only for the massively hard of thinking?
Blimey, who pissed on your chips this morning ks is only for the massively hard of thinking?
antspants said:
Einion Yrth said:
Why do you do it, are you really too f'ing thick to realise that this septic punchline bks is only for the massively hard of thinking?
Blimey, who pissed on your chips this morning ks is only for the massively hard of thinking?Ari said:
antspants said:
Einion Yrth said:
Why do you do it, are you really too f'ing thick to realise that this septic punchline bks is only for the massively hard of thinking?
Blimey, who pissed on your chips this morning ks is only for the massively hard of thinking?
MartG said:
I've noticed he only posts in here when he complains about Viper's posts - I've looked back a fair way and I can't see that he's ever posted a joke himself.....
If I knew any jokes I wouldn't be here. I like to read jokes because they may make me smile, or even, if they are exceptionally good, laugh. Thus I only post when I see something that begins raising the head of steam in my bladder.An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar; barman says, "Is this supposed to be some sort of joke?".
You can see why I don't post jokes.
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman find a lamp. Upon rubbing it a genie appears and says:-
"I have a magic slide. When you use this magic slide, whatever you cry as you go down the slide you will land in a pool of"
The Englishman takes station and goes down the slide shouting "Laaaaaaaaggggggggggggggeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr" at the top of his voice
The Scotsman turn comes around "Wwhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiisssssssskkkkkkkkkkkkyyyyyyyyy" comes the cry
Finally, the turn of the Irishman comes about
"WWWWWWWeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
"I have a magic slide. When you use this magic slide, whatever you cry as you go down the slide you will land in a pool of"
The Englishman takes station and goes down the slide shouting "Laaaaaaaaggggggggggggggeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr" at the top of his voice
The Scotsman turn comes around "Wwhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiisssssssskkkkkkkkkkkkyyyyyyyyy" comes the cry
Finally, the turn of the Irishman comes about
"WWWWWWWeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
Einion Yrth said:
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
You have been asked, time after time, to stop doing this, sometimes even nicely.
Why do you do it, are you really too f'ing thick to realise that this septic punchline bks is only for the massively hard of thinking?
And that's when the fight started.......You have been asked, time after time, to stop doing this, sometimes even nicely.
Why do you do it, are you really too f'ing thick to realise that this septic punchline b
ks is only for the massively hard of thinking?A young chap got a position as an intern at the local zoo.
On his first day he was sent to work in the elephant house.
The head elephant keeper said that his first task would be to wash down the oldest elephant at the zoo, an ex-circus performer called 'Nuts'!
The newbie was somewhat excited and asked how he should reach the elephant's back.
"No problem," the head keeper said, "being an ex-performer he responds to voice commands. All you need to do is say"Down Nuts" and he will lay down for you to clean his back then "up Nuts" and he'll stand for you again."
Thrilled with his task the young chap set about his task.
He cleaned the elephant's legs and trunk then he said to the elephant "down Nuts" and, sure enough, the elephant settled down nice and low for his back scrub.
Feeling in full control the young chap did an extremely good job of scrubbing the elephant's back, head and behind his ears.
Standing back to admire his handiwork the young chap called out "up Nuts"! and, once again the elephant responded to his command.
Moving in to complete his task the young chap then went under the elephant to clean his belly, and the nether regions.
As he was just carrying out the final few small cleansing operations the young chap reflected on his good fortune at landing such an interesting and fulfilling position...
It was at this point that one of the wandering vendors at the zoo walked past and called out loudly
"PEANUTS!"
On his first day he was sent to work in the elephant house.
The head elephant keeper said that his first task would be to wash down the oldest elephant at the zoo, an ex-circus performer called 'Nuts'!
The newbie was somewhat excited and asked how he should reach the elephant's back.
"No problem," the head keeper said, "being an ex-performer he responds to voice commands. All you need to do is say"Down Nuts" and he will lay down for you to clean his back then "up Nuts" and he'll stand for you again."
Thrilled with his task the young chap set about his task.
He cleaned the elephant's legs and trunk then he said to the elephant "down Nuts" and, sure enough, the elephant settled down nice and low for his back scrub.
Feeling in full control the young chap did an extremely good job of scrubbing the elephant's back, head and behind his ears.
Standing back to admire his handiwork the young chap called out "up Nuts"! and, once again the elephant responded to his command.
Moving in to complete his task the young chap then went under the elephant to clean his belly, and the nether regions.
As he was just carrying out the final few small cleansing operations the young chap reflected on his good fortune at landing such an interesting and fulfilling position...
It was at this point that one of the wandering vendors at the zoo walked past and called out loudly
"PEANUTS!"A customer asks “In what aisle will I find Irish sausage?”
The assistant asks “Are you Irish?”
Clearly offended, the man replies “Yes I am, but let me ask you something, if I had asked for bratwurst would you have asked me if I was German? Or if I’d asked for tacos would you have asked if I was Mexican?”
“Probably not” says the assistant.
“So why ask me if I’m Irish?”
So the assistant says “Because you're in Halfords!”
The assistant asks “Are you Irish?”
Clearly offended, the man replies “Yes I am, but let me ask you something, if I had asked for bratwurst would you have asked me if I was German? Or if I’d asked for tacos would you have asked if I was Mexican?”
“Probably not” says the assistant.
“So why ask me if I’m Irish?”
So the assistant says “Because you're in Halfords!”
One day many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. I was thrown about 15 feet away, and my left arm struck some rocks. Thus, my left arm was bleeding and I was a bit dazed.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: ”Are you okay, sir?"
"Gee, I guess so - I'm not really sure" I said.
She called " I think you need my help. what’s your name?”
“It’s Dan and I’ll be okay - thanks,” I replied.
“Dan, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . and I was very, very, weak. “Well okay,” I finally agreed and added, “but my wife won’t like it.”
After a few restorative Single Malt and drop of water, I thanked Elizabeth. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I best be going now.”
“Don’t be silly!” Elizabeth said with a pretty smile: “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Probably still under that cart……”
There was a woman golfer whose swing was rubbish, always puting the ball everywhere but straight. So she booked a lesson with the Club pro and he watched her swing.
'I see where the problem is, it is how you hold the club. Without being too personal, can you hold it like you do with your husbands penis'
She did this
'Err, can you take the handle out of your mouth and we will try again'
'I see where the problem is, it is how you hold the club. Without being too personal, can you hold it like you do with your husbands penis'
She did this
'Err, can you take the handle out of your mouth and we will try again'
Golf joke warning:
A married couple was playing a round of golf one warm Sunday afternoon. The woman wasn't having a particularly good round and was the target of several teasing comments and heckles from her husband.
The woman was furiously standing at the tee box of a long par five. She decided she would release all of her rage on this drive and hit the ball as hard as she could. Just as she was in the top of her backswing her husband tried to dash across in front of her to distract her.
Unable to stop in time she finished her drive but her golf ball struck her husband directly in his forehead. She had hit the ball was such a force that the ball actually was embedded flush in his head right above his eyes.
She tossed her driver to the ground in shock. Another couple ran up in horror asking what she was going to do now?
The woman let out a sigh and said, "it looks like I got to use a wedge."
A married couple was playing a round of golf one warm Sunday afternoon. The woman wasn't having a particularly good round and was the target of several teasing comments and heckles from her husband.
The woman was furiously standing at the tee box of a long par five. She decided she would release all of her rage on this drive and hit the ball as hard as she could. Just as she was in the top of her backswing her husband tried to dash across in front of her to distract her.
Unable to stop in time she finished her drive but her golf ball struck her husband directly in his forehead. She had hit the ball was such a force that the ball actually was embedded flush in his head right above his eyes.
She tossed her driver to the ground in shock. Another couple ran up in horror asking what she was going to do now?
The woman let out a sigh and said, "it looks like I got to use a wedge."
antspants said:
Einion Yrth said:
Why do you do it, are you really too f'ing thick to realise that this septic punchline bks is only for the massively hard of thinking?
Blimey, who pissed on your chips this morning ks is only for the massively hard of thinking?Looks he's had a hard day......
Dunc B said:
Evangelion said:
Breaking News:
A bus containing session musicians and their instruments has overturned.
Police say to expect lengthy jams.
An oldy sorry A bus containing session musicians and their instruments has overturned.
Police say to expect lengthy jams.
A coach full of paraplegics crashed off a bridge ....It took six hours to cut the coach from the wreckage
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