Dating websites, rubbish wenches, and the vanity of men
Discussion
I was perusing the merchandise on a dating website yesterday. Now, there is a reason for this as well as the obvious one of keeping myself up to date on the state of the local market. I had to write a reference for a friend – after a series of rubbish boyfriends met in the usual ways (friends, bars, dinner parties etc), she has decided to try the net. And the site involves being recommended by a friend, who puts together a reference and profile, to which the member can post a short reply.
First point – women, if you are going to get a friend to recommend you, make it a bloke. The men on the site had a pretty even mix of recommendations by men and women. Both women and men seemed pretty honest and candid about the single men. The women were almost overwhelmingly recommended by other women – and to read most of these recommendations, you would have believed that every single woman on the site was a goddess. There is one thing that you girls need to know – when your girl friend is talking about your attributes, and we haven’t met you, we will not believe her. This is because all women lie about their single female friends – if you asked any women what their single mates are like, a chap always comes away with the impression that said friends are all on the books of Elite Models. Stop it. It is, like the Wonderbra, false advertising, and likely to result in disappointment. Your duty is to provide us with hotties, not get your swamp donkey mates a date with us by lying horribly. Fat does not equal ‘curvy’, and buck-toothed with frizzy hair does not mean ‘really attractive’.)
Anyway, the other half, housemate and I (all very cosy, natch) were having a look at what was on offer. And, shock horror – there were lots and lots of good-looking, eligible men (according to the girls) and comparatively few attractive (from photo, anyway) women. I counted 3 that I would have put on my shortlist in 19 pages.
But the reason for this soon became pretty clear. Most of the girls had photos just randomly snapped on a night out. Whereas the majority of the blokes had posed, and obviously taken quite a lot of care in selecting their photos. There were a lot more black and white shots from the men than from the women. I mean, there was some serious ‘blue steel’ going on in some of these photos. The men had, very obviously, spent a lot of time getting exactly the right shot – probably hours with the digital camera.
There you have it chaps. We are the vainer sex these days. A decade of Clinique For Men, metrosexuality and Jamie Oliver has basically turned us into a bunch of great big girls. I am guilty of this myself, with my likings for interior design and elaborate cookery (and an elaborate moisturising routine involving the tears of kittens and milk of the Himalayan Yak, but we won’t go into that). Not to mention my gayer-than-a-gay-thing car. Tonight, I am going to go home, eat some raw steak, drink some Stella and beat the girlfriend, just to get some balance back into the gender karma out there. I do this for all men. I may even buy another TVR.
First point – women, if you are going to get a friend to recommend you, make it a bloke. The men on the site had a pretty even mix of recommendations by men and women. Both women and men seemed pretty honest and candid about the single men. The women were almost overwhelmingly recommended by other women – and to read most of these recommendations, you would have believed that every single woman on the site was a goddess. There is one thing that you girls need to know – when your girl friend is talking about your attributes, and we haven’t met you, we will not believe her. This is because all women lie about their single female friends – if you asked any women what their single mates are like, a chap always comes away with the impression that said friends are all on the books of Elite Models. Stop it. It is, like the Wonderbra, false advertising, and likely to result in disappointment. Your duty is to provide us with hotties, not get your swamp donkey mates a date with us by lying horribly. Fat does not equal ‘curvy’, and buck-toothed with frizzy hair does not mean ‘really attractive’.)
Anyway, the other half, housemate and I (all very cosy, natch) were having a look at what was on offer. And, shock horror – there were lots and lots of good-looking, eligible men (according to the girls) and comparatively few attractive (from photo, anyway) women. I counted 3 that I would have put on my shortlist in 19 pages.
But the reason for this soon became pretty clear. Most of the girls had photos just randomly snapped on a night out. Whereas the majority of the blokes had posed, and obviously taken quite a lot of care in selecting their photos. There were a lot more black and white shots from the men than from the women. I mean, there was some serious ‘blue steel’ going on in some of these photos. The men had, very obviously, spent a lot of time getting exactly the right shot – probably hours with the digital camera.
There you have it chaps. We are the vainer sex these days. A decade of Clinique For Men, metrosexuality and Jamie Oliver has basically turned us into a bunch of great big girls. I am guilty of this myself, with my likings for interior design and elaborate cookery (and an elaborate moisturising routine involving the tears of kittens and milk of the Himalayan Yak, but we won’t go into that). Not to mention my gayer-than-a-gay-thing car. Tonight, I am going to go home, eat some raw steak, drink some Stella and beat the girlfriend, just to get some balance back into the gender karma out there. I do this for all men. I may even buy another TVR.
Harry_Flashman_On_His_Profile said:
Live in London, where driving is more pain than pleasure. Alleviated by cobalt blue with almost-white leather Porsche 968 convertible, which is the gayest Porsche ever made, in the gayest colour scheme ever produced. Awesome. Car is actually a dream – great to drive and so much more reliable/less psychotic than the TVR before, a car which tried to kill me on startlingly regular occasions. Only problem with the 968 is that it sounds like a washing machine. Or perhaps a hoover; I can’t decide.
Bizarrely, girls like this car a lot (despite, or perhaps due to, its campness), which means that I no longer have to pay them to have sex with me. That money now goes on paying large maintenance bills from Porsche specialists which is actually money better spent, with fewer risks to health and reputation.
Apart from cars, my hobbies involve dodging work, getting drunk and then getting shouted at by people for doing stupid things. Life’s pretty good, actually.
Superb. Sir, I salute you. And thanks for this tale...God bless dating websites.
There are some very definite sections of women. You have the "hussy", obviously....boobs-nearly-out pictures, "I'm just up for a laugh" type ones. Then you get the "serious" ones....normally chubby, I'm sure they're very nice, never understood (yes, love, that's the problem), and do themselves absolutely no favours what-so-ever in their profile when they say stuff like "I am who I am, I'm not changing, people should love me for who I am". We know you're not, nobody is, but importantly WE DON'T WRITE IT IN OUR PROFILES!!!
Anyhow, I have a wealth of worryingly-accurate and specatcular stereotypes which I will, this afternoon, launch into a vicious and unwielding rant about. Probably. Or I might buy some stuff on ebay.
I have to go out, unfortunately...dammit Harry, couldn't you have started this thread earlier
There are some very definite sections of women. You have the "hussy", obviously....boobs-nearly-out pictures, "I'm just up for a laugh" type ones. Then you get the "serious" ones....normally chubby, I'm sure they're very nice, never understood (yes, love, that's the problem), and do themselves absolutely no favours what-so-ever in their profile when they say stuff like "I am who I am, I'm not changing, people should love me for who I am". We know you're not, nobody is, but importantly WE DON'T WRITE IT IN OUR PROFILES!!!
Anyhow, I have a wealth of worryingly-accurate and specatcular stereotypes which I will, this afternoon, launch into a vicious and unwielding rant about. Probably. Or I might buy some stuff on ebay.
I have to go out, unfortunately...dammit Harry, couldn't you have started this thread earlier
It's the blokes that got to me though Tony! The women may not have been stunners, but there were quite a few attractive ones whocx just clearly hadn't bothered with trying to get a decent photo up. Fair enough, even if it means shooting oneself in the foot a little.
No, it was the blokes that worried me. I have rarely seen such pouting and soulful looking at the camera from men who had obviously taken hours selecting just the right shot. I mean, what a bunch of complete gayers.
And, it doesn't work you know. The two girls I was with were literally crying with laughter at some of the cheeser blokes who had profiles up...even the handsome ones were dismissed out of hand for being too cringeworthy for words.
No, it was the blokes that worried me. I have rarely seen such pouting and soulful looking at the camera from men who had obviously taken hours selecting just the right shot. I mean, what a bunch of complete gayers.
And, it doesn't work you know. The two girls I was with were literally crying with laughter at some of the cheeser blokes who had profiles up...even the handsome ones were dismissed out of hand for being too cringeworthy for words.
Older than old Jack McOld, but makes me laugh:
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where
they are in their menstrual cycle For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with
rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol
and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where
they are in their menstrual cycle For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with
rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol
and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
Harry Flashman said:
And, shock horror – there were lots and lots of good-looking, eligible men (according to the girls) and comparatively few attractive (from photo, anyway) women. I counted 3 that I would have put on my shortlist in 19 pages.
But the reason for this soon became pretty clear. Most of the girls had photos just randomly snapped on a night out. Whereas the majority of the blokes had posed, and obviously taken quite a lot of care in selecting their photos. There were a lot more black and white shots from the men than from the women. I mean, there was some serious ‘blue steel’ going on in some of these photos. The men had, very obviously, spent a lot of time getting exactly the right shot – probably hours with the digital camera.
But the reason for this soon became pretty clear. Most of the girls had photos just randomly snapped on a night out. Whereas the majority of the blokes had posed, and obviously taken quite a lot of care in selecting their photos. There were a lot more black and white shots from the men than from the women. I mean, there was some serious ‘blue steel’ going on in some of these photos. The men had, very obviously, spent a lot of time getting exactly the right shot – probably hours with the digital camera.
Perhaps that's why they are still single.
These overtly vain types are so in love with themselves that no woman has a chance and, it seems doesn't want to.
If these guys are such great catches why are they having to resort to internet dating in the first place?
cossie. said:
Harry Flashman said:
...there were lots and lots of good-looking, eligible men...
So that's where they've been hiding all this time! Let's see some pics as evidence.
www.jollyfitruggerchapshidingfromc
stovey said:
If these guys are such great catches why are they having to resort to internet dating in the first place?
Not actually a valid point – iDatingTM is no longer the preserve of the desperate. My friend Sophie, who I wrote the profile for, is an attractive, stylish and successful woman. She’s sexy too – I have been there myself on quite a few occasions in the past, and I don’t do mooses (unless I’m drunk, when I may have, er, made some errors of judgement in the past).
TonyHetherington said:
Then you get the "serious" ones....normally chubby, I'm sure they're very nice, never understood (yes, love, that's the problem), and do themselves absolutely no favours what-so-ever in their profile when they say stuff like "I am who I am, I'm not changing, people should love me for who I am". We know you're not, nobody is, but importantly WE DON'T WRITE IT IN OUR PROFILES!!!
The 'avoid this person' alarm bells ring for me when I read that they like a night on the town or a night in with a bottle of wine and a DVD... If that's the most imaginative thing they can think of doing with their spare time then they've done me a favour by telling me... that way I can avoid them!
rude-boy said:
If my sister ever started talking about how great her friend's personality was my brother and I immediately knew said friend was a swamp donkey, or worse, a brain-less swamp donkey.
As a good friend of mine once pointed out... "You can't shag personality"
Harry Flashman said:
stovey said:
If these guys are such great catches why are they having to resort to internet dating in the first place?
Not actually a valid point iDatingTM is no longer the preserve of the desperate. . . . . . . . . . I have been there myself on quite a few occasions in the past . . . . . . .
stovey said:
If these guys are such great catches why are they having to resort to internet dating in the first place?
Convenience. It's like Auto Trader... you just input the age, milage, colour, location, etc. and up come some matches, immediately removing the hit and miss of traipsing round dealerships (pubs and clubs) in the hope that what you want happens to be there on the day that you are!!!
Harry Flashman said:
stovey said:
If these guys are such great catches why are they having to resort to internet dating in the first place?
Not actually a valid point – iDatingTM is no longer the preserve of the desperate. My friend Sophie, who I wrote the profile for, is an attractive, stylish and successful woman. She’s sexy too – I have been there myself on quite a few occasions in the past, and I don’t do mooses (unless I’m drunk, when I may have, er, made some errors of judgement in the past).
damn... shame im spoken for...
I'm almost dissapointed my circumstances meant I have had to miss this internet dating thing completley, though I suppose I could do the 'AutoTrader' window shopping... anyone got any links for a browse and a laugh?
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