Another marriage guidance question to the masses
Discussion
Apologies, but assuming a different identity for obvious reasons....
I'm after some ideas from those that may have been through this.
Married, 2 children, good wife.
Married a fair while, and life is ok, my wife is a good person, I love and respect her but for some years I guess it has been a sisterly type love, she is the mother of my children. She is happy with our life. We have enough, and up until a while ago I guess we were happy as is so to speak. I have always been loyal, and am not one to look outside of marriage for anything, and never have.
However, along came a woman that literally I dropped head over heels with, she the same about me, as if a switch went on. I have known her a few years, we haven't had any sort of an illicit affair, no physical contact apart from a couple of pecks on the cheek, although we have had hours of talking. She is also married, neither of us have anything to gain from each other from this, other than seemingly a very natural and relaxed partnership.
My loyalty lies with my wife obviously, and not being one for sneaking around I find myself wondering what on earth to do. I have always said I would never leave the household, and would always be there for the kids. My wifes father was never around, and for this reason I believe I would be staying for the wrong reason.
Talk about at my wits end....relate or that sort of thing I don't think would work (but will try it) At this moment in time my wife obviously knows there are a few snags, and asks what is wrong with her. There obviously isn't, but I don't want to ruin her life, I guess I wasn't happy prior, so telling her there is potentially a third party wouldn't help at all.
The 'right' thing is to tell xxxxx it can't happen. But I don't want to do that, but I also don't want to hurt my wife. Nothing has happened outside of my marriage that could be called any sort of playing away, just a meeting of two very well matched people - that I must add weren't looking for this - and xxxxxx has told me that it is the last thing she wants to get in the way of family life, but can't help what she thinks.
Pointers gratefully received folks, from both sides of the sexes, this is a real life changing thing I'm constantly thinking about. Do I stay and do the 'right' thing, or make other plans, or keep xxxxxxx as a friend as we both are trying to do the decent thing.
Yes, I know this isn't marriage guidance councilling on line, but from experience ph has the best balance of views anywhere.
I'm after some ideas from those that may have been through this.
Married, 2 children, good wife.
Married a fair while, and life is ok, my wife is a good person, I love and respect her but for some years I guess it has been a sisterly type love, she is the mother of my children. She is happy with our life. We have enough, and up until a while ago I guess we were happy as is so to speak. I have always been loyal, and am not one to look outside of marriage for anything, and never have.
However, along came a woman that literally I dropped head over heels with, she the same about me, as if a switch went on. I have known her a few years, we haven't had any sort of an illicit affair, no physical contact apart from a couple of pecks on the cheek, although we have had hours of talking. She is also married, neither of us have anything to gain from each other from this, other than seemingly a very natural and relaxed partnership.
My loyalty lies with my wife obviously, and not being one for sneaking around I find myself wondering what on earth to do. I have always said I would never leave the household, and would always be there for the kids. My wifes father was never around, and for this reason I believe I would be staying for the wrong reason.
Talk about at my wits end....relate or that sort of thing I don't think would work (but will try it) At this moment in time my wife obviously knows there are a few snags, and asks what is wrong with her. There obviously isn't, but I don't want to ruin her life, I guess I wasn't happy prior, so telling her there is potentially a third party wouldn't help at all.
The 'right' thing is to tell xxxxx it can't happen. But I don't want to do that, but I also don't want to hurt my wife. Nothing has happened outside of my marriage that could be called any sort of playing away, just a meeting of two very well matched people - that I must add weren't looking for this - and xxxxxx has told me that it is the last thing she wants to get in the way of family life, but can't help what she thinks.
Pointers gratefully received folks, from both sides of the sexes, this is a real life changing thing I'm constantly thinking about. Do I stay and do the 'right' thing, or make other plans, or keep xxxxxxx as a friend as we both are trying to do the decent thing.
Yes, I know this isn't marriage guidance councilling on line, but from experience ph has the best balance of views anywhere.
You can guarantee that the feelings for this other woman are generated by the situation you believe you are in with your wife.
Consider this, if your wife told you, quite coincidentally, that she was leaving you for another man, i imagine your feelings for this other woman would change completely.
Some people say the grass is greener on the other side of the fence..... trying watering your own garden and see how green it gets
Consider this, if your wife told you, quite coincidentally, that she was leaving you for another man, i imagine your feelings for this other woman would change completely.
Some people say the grass is greener on the other side of the fence..... trying watering your own garden and see how green it gets
Sounds like a classic bit of mid-life crisis to me...
I'd tough it out if I were you, perhaps try and avoid situations where you are having long chats culminating in a peck on the cheek - It could easily go further without either of you "meaning to"...
If you're unhappy in your current situation with your wife then perhaps try and solve that first, or at least make sure it can't be solved?
I'd tough it out if I were you, perhaps try and avoid situations where you are having long chats culminating in a peck on the cheek - It could easily go further without either of you "meaning to"...
If you're unhappy in your current situation with your wife then perhaps try and solve that first, or at least make sure it can't be solved?
Swilly said:
You can guarantee that the feelings for this other woman are generated by the situation you believe you are in with your wife.
Consider this, if your wife told you, quite coincidentally, that she was leaving you for another man, i imagine your feelings for this other woman would change completely.
Some people say the grass is greener on the other side of the fence..... trying watering your own garden and see how green it gets
very good points.Consider this, if your wife told you, quite coincidentally, that she was leaving you for another man, i imagine your feelings for this other woman would change completely.
Some people say the grass is greener on the other side of the fence..... trying watering your own garden and see how green it gets
Para 2 - I'm not sure, that's the problem, it isn't a whim, and to some degree, as bad as it makes me feel, I think there would be some relief as well as sorrow.
Para 3 - yes, indeed, but I have tried watering prior to xxxxx, but I think we may have changed over the years, and I think maybe a bit too far.
Bedford Rascal said:
Sounds like a classic bit of mid-life crisis to me...
I'd tough it out if I were you, perhaps try and avoid situations where you are having long chats culminating in a peck on the cheek - It could easily go further without either of you "meaning to"...
If you're unhappy in your current situation with your wife then perhaps try and solve that first, or at least make sure it can't be solved?
I'd tough it out if I were you, perhaps try and avoid situations where you are having long chats culminating in a peck on the cheek - It could easily go further without either of you "meaning to"...
If you're unhappy in your current situation with your wife then perhaps try and solve that first, or at least make sure it can't be solved?
Again, good points, have been trying.
Swilly said:
Some people say the grass is greener on the other side of the fence..... trying watering your own garden and see how green it gets
Nice. Didnt you used to feel this way about your Wife?
How good would it be if you could get back that 'new' relationship feeling, but with your Wife?
I'm speaking as 'one of the kids', I'm not married (or anywhere near that stage in my life) myself, but my parents are divorced. For them, it was the 'right' thing - however dont for one second think there is an 'easy way out' for you. If you do leave your wife, your kids WILL be devastated. They may forgive you eventually (I did my father ) but be prepared to be very, very unpopular.
grumpy one said:
Swilly said:
You can guarantee that the feelings for this other woman are generated by the situation you believe you are in with your wife.
Consider this, if your wife told you, quite coincidentally, that she was leaving you for another man, i imagine your feelings for this other woman would change completely.
Some people say the grass is greener on the other side of the fence..... trying watering your own garden and see how green it gets
very good points.Consider this, if your wife told you, quite coincidentally, that she was leaving you for another man, i imagine your feelings for this other woman would change completely.
Some people say the grass is greener on the other side of the fence..... trying watering your own garden and see how green it gets
Para 2 - I'm not sure, that's the problem, it isn't a whim, and to some degree, as bad as it makes me feel, I think there would be some relief as well as sorrow.
Para 3 - yes, indeed, but I have tried watering prior to xxxxx, but I think we may have changed over the years, and I think maybe a bit too far.
Any future with xxxxx is doomed cos the moment you actually get outta your marriage and are with her, your wife and kids are gonna hate you, her husband and kids are gonna hate her and all that stress will ruin you.
Put your effort into what you already have and make it better.
Hi,
My Dad was in your situation twice. Once with my Mum and once with his
second wife. Both times he jumped ship, believing the new idea to be a
better one. Both times it didn't work.
What you have might feel boring but what you think you are getting will
eventually be no better, and several lives, including your own, will be
ruined for it.
Michael.
My Dad was in your situation twice. Once with my Mum and once with his
second wife. Both times he jumped ship, believing the new idea to be a
better one. Both times it didn't work.
What you have might feel boring but what you think you are getting will
eventually be no better, and several lives, including your own, will be
ruined for it.
Michael.
fwiw. Try your very hardest to stay with your wife. My parents split when I was 18 & it ripped the hell out of my sister & I for a long time & neither of us spoke to my father for about 3 years.
Can you take your wife on holiday for 2 / 3 weeks to somewhere completely different, just the 2 of you? Sometimes a change of scenery & just some personal time can kick-start a relationship.
Otherwise, as a last resort try relate.
Can you take your wife on holiday for 2 / 3 weeks to somewhere completely different, just the 2 of you? Sometimes a change of scenery & just some personal time can kick-start a relationship.
Otherwise, as a last resort try relate.
Edited by Schmalex on Thursday 24th May 15:03
Schmalex said:
Otherwise, as a last resort try relate.
Disagree - why should things like this be a last resort? Edited by Schmalex on Thursday 24th May 15:03
You've clearly recognised there is a problem in your relationship - so be proactive in fixing it!
Theres no shame in it, and whatever action you do take, think how good it could be to have the spark again between you and your wife, with a family round you?
I went through something similar with my first wife.
Things weren't as bad, in retrospect, as I thought they were but we did argue alot and since my parents alway rowed before they split up, I always said that it would be better for one parent to bring the kids up, than bring them up in a house where the parents were arguing all the time.
I wasn't looking to find someone but met this girl at the office where I worked and after a while of just talking etc, things developed and I moved out of the home.
The problem is that the grass always appears to be greener etc.
Well, I really messed up. I left three kids with my first wife, who came to stay with me every other weekend.
Eventually I married again and have had more kids but my new wife doesn't get on with my first three kids and really dislikes one of them.
I really regret what I did but, of course it is far too late now to do anything about it.
I messed up and my advice to you is that you really should be positive about what you want before you upset those close to you.
Good luck!
God I sound like an agony aunt!
Things weren't as bad, in retrospect, as I thought they were but we did argue alot and since my parents alway rowed before they split up, I always said that it would be better for one parent to bring the kids up, than bring them up in a house where the parents were arguing all the time.
I wasn't looking to find someone but met this girl at the office where I worked and after a while of just talking etc, things developed and I moved out of the home.
The problem is that the grass always appears to be greener etc.
Well, I really messed up. I left three kids with my first wife, who came to stay with me every other weekend.
Eventually I married again and have had more kids but my new wife doesn't get on with my first three kids and really dislikes one of them.
I really regret what I did but, of course it is far too late now to do anything about it.
I messed up and my advice to you is that you really should be positive about what you want before you upset those close to you.
Good luck!
God I sound like an agony aunt!
I've recently watched my best friends marriage fall apart under similar circumstances, he was convinced new lady was the one and he had never felt the way he felt about her with anyone else and she felt the same, so they both left their marriages and started dating, less than six months later it's all over and the damage done to their good marriages imeasurable.
For me 6 months ago I discovered the man I was going to marry was chatting/emailing and having dinner with another woman, the things he said in those emails, were things I would have loved to have heard, we now found ourselves in a place where after having some very open and very honest conversations, with a good relationship, although it really hasn't been easy, I feel so cheated out of what we had together all because the conversations we had after his dabbling with someone else weren't had before, the unequivicable trust I had in him has been some what shaken, I hope in time that will return because it was beautiful.
I love this man, always have, everytime I see him my heart flutters, he turns me on makes me laugh and has made me cry, ours was a good, kind relationship which I feel he placed to little value on.
Maybe it's time to look and value what you have rather than what you don't have and start dating your wife again.
For me 6 months ago I discovered the man I was going to marry was chatting/emailing and having dinner with another woman, the things he said in those emails, were things I would have loved to have heard, we now found ourselves in a place where after having some very open and very honest conversations, with a good relationship, although it really hasn't been easy, I feel so cheated out of what we had together all because the conversations we had after his dabbling with someone else weren't had before, the unequivicable trust I had in him has been some what shaken, I hope in time that will return because it was beautiful.
I love this man, always have, everytime I see him my heart flutters, he turns me on makes me laugh and has made me cry, ours was a good, kind relationship which I feel he placed to little value on.
Maybe it's time to look and value what you have rather than what you don't have and start dating your wife again.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
READ THE POST ABOVE AND THEN READ IT AGAIN.You wife is probably happy with you, but I'm willing to bet she feels the same as you do - i.e. if some fella came along and made her feel like a sexual being again, she'd be posting on PH about her nice husband who is more like a brother, two kids, nice house, etc and how she likes all that but this new bloke listens to what she says, tells her she's attractive and as much as she knows it's wrong, she'd like to play hide the sausage with him because he makes her feel exciting and alive.
You and your wife need to stop being husband and wife and the parents of your children and start being lovers again. When was the last time you did anything alone, just the two of you?
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