how to become an mp?
Discussion
i'm talking from scratch, no political affiliations or leanings whatsoever, never been a member of any political party.
how would one go about securing a nomination for mp from one of the three main parties?
i quit fancy the wage and perks and can lie through my back teeth like there's no tomorrow. i would look good on tv, give out fantastically snappy soundbites, and generally be an idiot made good just like the rest of them.
how would one go about securing a nomination for mp from one of the three main parties?
i quit fancy the wage and perks and can lie through my back teeth like there's no tomorrow. i would look good on tv, give out fantastically snappy soundbites, and generally be an idiot made good just like the rest of them.
shirt said:
i'm talking from scratch, no political affiliations or leanings whatsoever, never been a member of any political party.
how would one go about securing a nomination for mp from one of the three main parties?
i quit fancy the wage and perks and can lie through my back teeth like there's no tomorrow. i would look good on tv, give out fantastically snappy soundbites, and generally be an idiot made good just like the rest of them.
how crooked are you? do you have any skelletons in the cupboard? are you partial to a bit of cottaging?how would one go about securing a nomination for mp from one of the three main parties?
i quit fancy the wage and perks and can lie through my back teeth like there's no tomorrow. i would look good on tv, give out fantastically snappy soundbites, and generally be an idiot made good just like the rest of them.
Hire a rent boy
Beat up some pensioners (they are the route of all evil and must be persecuted)
Get support from some Asian/Black/Gay people and practice saying how "They are an example to young Asain/Black/Gays everywhere"
Hire another rent boy
Commit some fraud
Use ill-gotten gains to hire a rent boy
Beat up some middle age straight white men (they are the route of all evil and must be persecuted)
Sue the rent boy who turned out to work for The Sun
Shag a women on CCTV to get out of the Rent boy scandel
Change the laws so people who work for papers can't be rent boys as well
Change the law to make yourself richer
Beat up anyone who doesn't lick Europe's balls (they are the route of all evil and must be persecuted)
Hire a rent boy, safe in the knowledge that he doesn't work for a newspaper
Claim some expenses
Claim some more expenses
Then go home for tea and to rest your todger.
Beat up some pensioners (they are the route of all evil and must be persecuted)
Get support from some Asian/Black/Gay people and practice saying how "They are an example to young Asain/Black/Gays everywhere"
Hire another rent boy
Commit some fraud
Use ill-gotten gains to hire a rent boy
Beat up some middle age straight white men (they are the route of all evil and must be persecuted)
Sue the rent boy who turned out to work for The Sun
Shag a women on CCTV to get out of the Rent boy scandel
Change the laws so people who work for papers can't be rent boys as well
Change the law to make yourself richer
Beat up anyone who doesn't lick Europe's balls (they are the route of all evil and must be persecuted)
Hire a rent boy, safe in the knowledge that he doesn't work for a newspaper
Claim some expenses
Claim some more expenses
Then go home for tea and to rest your todger.
sleep envy said:
how crooked are you? do you have any skelletons in the cupboard? are you partial to a bit of cottaging?
crooked? certainly, anything would be available for the right price. no real skeletons. i might have sholifted as a child but i didn't inhale.
would cottaging swing me the job? i could go anyway, taking reg. no.s and threatening to tell wives if they don't vote for me.
i'm good at public speaking and if made MP would make sure my team of lackeys were first rate and could do 99% of the work.
i'm sure i'd make a great MP, but am stuck with how to actually become one.
PS - i met a jewish guy the other week and know at least a dozen black/asian people. does this help?
Edited by shirt on Friday 27th March 13:53
shirt said:
i'm talking from scratch, no political affiliations or leanings whatsoever, never been a member of any political party.
how would one go about securing a nomination for mp from one of the three main parties?
i quit fancy the wage and perks and can lie through my back teeth like there's no tomorrow. i would look good on tv, give out fantastically snappy soundbites, and generally be an idiot made good just like the rest of them.
I think you have to start with joining whichever collection of lying scum you want and then attend the meetings etc.. After that I have no idea.. Perhaps start with local council elections first and work your way up?how would one go about securing a nomination for mp from one of the three main parties?
i quit fancy the wage and perks and can lie through my back teeth like there's no tomorrow. i would look good on tv, give out fantastically snappy soundbites, and generally be an idiot made good just like the rest of them.
Jasandjules said:
I think you have to start with joining whichever collection of lying scum you want and then attend the meetings etc.. After that I have no idea.. Perhaps start with local council elections first and work your way up?
hmmm, i'm sensing effort is involved. how much do councillor's earn?
shirt said:
Jasandjules said:
I think you have to start with joining whichever collection of lying scum you want and then attend the meetings etc.. After that I have no idea.. Perhaps start with local council elections first and work your way up?
hmmm, i'm sensing effort is involved. how much do councillor's earn?
the deposit is £500 and you get it back if you poll over 5% of the votes.
i see 2 potential problems already:
apparently you have to care about the things that people in your locality care about. i have no experience with smack or the benefits system so i need to score some H and quit my job.
you need to join a party that has something in common with your political beliefs. i am choosing the conservatives as they want to be in power, as do i. i would look better in a blue tie anyway, but labour have a very safe seat here as its prezza's old one and our mp is currently david bowie.
worth perserving for the £58k starting salary.
i see 2 potential problems already:
apparently you have to care about the things that people in your locality care about. i have no experience with smack or the benefits system so i need to score some H and quit my job.
you need to join a party that has something in common with your political beliefs. i am choosing the conservatives as they want to be in power, as do i. i would look better in a blue tie anyway, but labour have a very safe seat here as its prezza's old one and our mp is currently david bowie.
worth perserving for the £58k starting salary.
shirt said:
you need to join a party that has something in common with your political beliefs. i am choosing the conservatives as they want to be in power, as do i.
2. Sleep with old women with blue hair
3. Inform Conservative Central Office that you'd like to be a candidate
4. Attend selection centre.
5. Pass selection centre; get put on 'approved candidate' list
6. Apply to constituencies with no sitting Conservative MP
7. Sleep with more blue-haired wome to persuade them you're the right guy for the job.
8. Get knocked back; you'll never match up to Alan Clark
9. Go to 6 and repeat until a constituency accepts you as their candidate
10. Go round houses, knocking on doors, getting abused for being the stinking Tory-boy Thatcher-spawn that you are
11. Win election.
12. Go to Westminster, collect salary and shag young researchers.
Getting on the candidates list and then getting selected is *extremely* difficult unless you've got a lot of connections (probably built up over many years of public service) especially for a party that might have a chance of winning that particular seat.
If you just wanted a good scam, then being an MEP would be even better.
If you just wanted a good scam, then being an MEP would be even better.
a good scam is precisely what i'm after. i could match MP earnings in my current career with hard work, long hours and a touch of dumb luck, but being an MP requires none of that bar the word 'dumb'.
i would lobby on behalf of PH, can i count on your vote?
cleethorpes and s
horpe are my prime constituency targets.
i would lobby on behalf of PH, can i count on your vote?
cleethorpes and s
horpe are my prime constituency targets. Gassing Station | News, Politics & Economics | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff