How to be an un-chef

[Simpo Two]

With all the culinary expertise around here I just wanted to present the alternative side - a complete cooking klutz, a man that is to cooking what Gok Wan is to world heavyweight boxing.

The task is to cook rice. How hard can that be?

Here's the un-chef way of doing it.

Open the freezer and take out a frozen Chinese ready meal.

Take a saucepan, add about 1.5" of cold water and place on the hob.

Locate the jar of rice and lightly sprinkle one portion of rice grains into the water.

Consult the instructions on the frozen Chinese ready meal and realise that it already contains a portion of rice.

Say 'Arse' out loud.

Return to the saucepan of rice in cold water. Strain rice through sieve, shake off as much water as possible and place sieve of damp rice in airing cupboard to dry out until needed again.

Wait for 24 hours and replace dried rice into rice jar.

Wait one week.

Open the freezer and discover there's nothing in it you fancy for supper.

Open the cupboard and remove one tin of Stag Silverado Beef (5% fat) Chilli Con Carne. No idea what 'Carne' means but carry on anyway.

Take a saucepan, add about 1.5" of cold water and place on the hob.

Locate the jar of rice and lightly sprinkle one portion of (salvaged) rice grains into the water.

Set hob to '9' and go to watch 'How do they do it' on Channel 5.

Return to kitchen when the sound of boiling water spraying everywhere becomes louder than the TV.

Say 'Arse' out loud.

Wipe up mess and return to saucepan to hob, but at less than '9'. Set hob timer to 10 minutes.

This is a sure-fire way to ensure that your rice will turn out to be a puddingy mush that is impossible to drain. Remarkable.



Is there anything easier to cook please?

[mattley]

WTF is your rice doing in a jar?

[Simpo Two]

Well, I confess I put it there. Is one supposed to keep rice in the plastic packet that never opens properly and spills rice everywhere?

[Cotty]

If you can handle a microwave (and I assume you can) then get a rice cooker like this

http://www.lakeland.co.uk/stain-proof-microwave-mu...
Rince rice under the tap using the inner basket. Pour in a little water to cover rice and nuke it for 6 mins, give it a stir and nuke it again for 6 mins. If you forget about it then it just steams in its own hot water.

Idiot proof, If I can use one then anyone can.

[escargot]

Carne means meat.

[Simpo Two]

Cotty said:

Idiot proof, If I can use one then anyone can.

Ooh, now that seems like an idea! The biggest problem with rice is that it boils over so fast - something to do with the starch I guess. Ta!

(although it seems to crack a lot)

Edited by Simpo Two on Monday 22 February 21:53

[Cotty]

Simpo Two said:

Return to the saucepan of rice in cold water.

Get the water boiling before adding the rice.

[Simpo Two]

Cotty said:

Get the water boiling before adding the rice.

But then the jar steams up

Maybe I'll do Chilli Con Meat with Spuds next time!

I'm a great an un-chef; do you think I could get my own TV series?

[Cotty]

Simpo Two said:

The biggest problem with rice is that it boils over so fast - something to do with the starch I guess. Ta!

I always rince rice before I cook it, supposed to get rid of the starch. Do it until the water runs clear then cook it.

[Cotty]

Simpo Two said:

I'm a great an un-chef

Same here, I can't cook for toffie.

[grumbledoak]

"Chilli con Carne" just means, literally, "Chilli with meat".

And, while I had a good giggle at your post, by far your best idea was Gok Wan in heavyweight boxing.

[escargot]

Ahhh crap, just realised this is a windup

[Cotty]

escargot said:

Ahhh crap, just realised this is a windup

Drying the rice in an airing cupboard and re-using it didn't give it away.

[Simpo Two]

escargot said:

Ahhh crap, just realised this is a windup

Sadly, all true - final chapter completed this evening!

Whilst it's good to excel at some things, it's also healthy to be a complete spastic at others. I really see no point in labouring for hours to make something that will be eaten. It's not like a classic painting - after all you wouldn't eat 'The Last Supper' would you?

(Mind you if you came to Simpo Hall it might well be your last!)

[escargot]

Cotty said:

escargot said:

Ahhh crap, just realised this is a windup

Drying the rice in an airing cupboard and re-using it didn't give it away.

Actually, that sounded eminantly sensible to me. [/blokelogic]

[Cotty]

Simpo Two said:

(Mind you if you came to Simpo Hall it might well be your last!)

Ill skip the rice if its all the same to you.

[Simpo Two]

I recommend the cheese and biscuits... Stilton on Jacob's Cream Crackers.




Mind you the boiling does spoil the appearance somewhat

[Kneetrembler]

Cotty said:

If you can handle a microwave (and I assume you can) then get a rice cooker like this

http://www.lakeland.co.uk/stain-proof-microwave-mu...
Rince rice under the tap using the inner basket. Pour in a little water to cover rice and nuke it for 6 mins, give it a stir and nuke it again for 6 mins. If you forget about it then it just steams in its own hot water.

Idiot proof, If I can use one then anyone can.

+1 these are brilliant have had one for a few years now and use it all the time.

Also have a large electric rice cooker but hardly ever use it as these cook rice perfectly every time.

[Nicol@]

When I am feeling very lazy or no time, I use frozen rice.

2 mins in the microwave and it is done (plastic texture and no flavour though).

[ThatPhilBrettGuy]

Simpo Two said:

Set hob to '9' and go to watch 'How do they do it' on Channel 5.

Return to kitchen when the sound of boiling water spraying everywhere becomes louder than the TV.

Say 'Arse' out loud.

Wipe up mess and return to saucepan to hob, but at less than '9'. Set hob timer to 10 minutes.

Ah, the induction numbers of mystery.

I know that '1' is slightly less than the rate of global warming (which is nothing or not a lot depending on your view). 'Boost' is induce nuclear fusion in the pan if you look away at all.

There are useful numbers in between I've been told.