Sean Connery Joke (Vol 5)

[Justayellowbadge]

Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says: "Sean, I've got you an audition tomorrow morning at the country club about 10ish"

To which Sean replies "OK, is that the one that refuses entry to Latvians?"

"Yes, Sean, yes it is" Says the agent. "There will be no Latvians."

[RobbieB]

Oh nice start JAYB you pillock

ETA the only joke I can think of that I have not seen posted recently to get the thread going in the right direction.

I walked a girl home last night, and like usual things got a little awkward towards the end.

She turned around and noticed I was walking her home.

Edited by RobbieB on Wednesday 18th August 13:26

[Pints]

Justayellowbadge said:

"There will be no Latvians."

Booooo! Hisss!

[LordGrover]

mat13 said:

Justayellowbadge said:

Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says: "Sean, I've got you an audition tomorrow morning at the country club about 10ish"

To which Sean replies "OK, is that the one that refuses entry to Latvians?"

"Yes, Sean, yes it is" Says the agent. "There will be no Latvians."

It makes me feel better if nothing else.

ETA - Oops! Someone got there before me.

Edited by LordGrover on Wednesday 18th August 13:26

[mat13]

LordGrover said:

mat13 said:

Justayellowbadge said:

Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says: "Sean, I've got you an audition tomorrow morning at the country club about 10ish"

To which Sean replies "OK, is that the one that refuses entry to Latvians?"

"Yes, Sean, yes it is" Says the agent. "There will be no Latvians."

It makes me feel better if nothing else.

ETA - Oops! Someone got there before me.

Edited by LordGrover on Wednesday 18th August 13:26

it's just not going to be the same, oh well back to copy and pasting sickipedia.

[im]

Luckily when my wife informed me that her cancer had come back, I was peeling an onion.

[havoc]

mat13 said:

LordGrover said:

mat13 said:

Justayellowbadge said:

Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says: "Sean, I've got you an audition tomorrow morning at the country club about 10ish"

To which Sean replies "OK, is that the one that refuses entry to Latvians?"

"Yes, Sean, yes it is" Says the agent. "There will be no Latvians."

It makes me feel better if nothing else.

ETA - Oops! Someone got there before me.

Edited by LordGrover on Wednesday 18th August 13:26

it's just not going to be the same, oh well back to copy and pasting sickipedia.

Agreed.

I don't find the sickipedia stuff at all funny, but I didn't rant on about it and throw my toys out of the pram, I just waited for decent jokes.

So why the discrimination against Latvians?!?

[KaraK]

There has been a massive robbery at PC World and 50 wireless routers have been stolen. A Police spokesman said they have no leads.

[Legend83]

My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word 'c*nt'.

I suppose she has a point, I really should make the effort to use her mother's real name.

[Timmy35]

KaraK said:

There has been a massive robbery at PC World and 50 wireless routers have been stolen. A Police spokesman said they have no leads.

On a similar note following the theft of an entire lorry load of toilets in Derby, Police say they have nothing to go on.

[poj]

Mick walks into Paddy's barn only to find him having a wk over an old massey ferguson tractor

"what the feck are you doing" asks Mick

"Me and the wife haven't been getting along,so the doctor said I should do something sexy to a tractor"

[Cock Womble 7]

I used to really like tractors, but not so much now.

You could say I'm an ex-tractor fan.

[Mazda Baiter]

im said:

Luckily when my wife informed me that her cancer had come back, I was peeling an onion.

the first decent joke in the new thread!

[RobbieB]

I was walking down my road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fking start?"

[Timmy35]

RobbieB said:

I was walking down my road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fking start?"

[marshalla]

A man was accosted by a particularly shabby, smelly man who asked him for money for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted a fiver, and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you take it and buy whisky?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the beggar said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble," said the tramp.
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" he asked.
"Are you MAD?" said the beggar, "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

At which the philanthropist exclaimed,
"Forget the money. I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The beggar was astounded.
"Won't your wife be bothered? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty bad too."

"That's alright," he replied, "I want her to see what a man looks like when he's given up drink, gambling, and golf."

[Finlandia]

True story:

This chap was working for a large manufacturing company, one day when he walked into the canteen he saw a unknown black man sitting by a table, tapping his hands on it, as trying to be a drummer.
Chap shouts out over the canteen, are you calling home mate?
Black man answers, yeah man, but all I get is an engaged tone.

[louiebaby]

Legend83 said:

My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word 'c*nt'.

I suppose she has a point, I really should make the effort to use her mother's real name.

Since my Mother-In-Law's boss posts on PH, I'd like to express my displeasure at that joke...

[rhinochopig]

Why is a women's waist called a waist?

Because there is space for another pair of tits there.

[illmonkey]

This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.

Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!

Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Dont ask me how, but it really works!

Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.


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Movie List:

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story