Vulnerable young adults. My son. The law. Help please.
Discussion
Hello folks,
I have never written anything personal in here before and never thought i would get to the situation i find myself in but i know there are some of you with great advice for others and i need some help. The following is a very brief outline of my life for the last 23 years and is copied and altered from a letter sent to social services which i will explain about after.
Please take some time to read...
"My son Thomas was born April 2003 at West Middlesex hospital where i was present for the birth and my name as father on his birth certificate.
I separated from G when Thomas was 8 months old as G had an affair and moved out of her house. We were not married and she had three older children from a previous relationship.
For the next few years G made my contact with Thomas very sporadic and on her terms, although I still saw him regularly. Many times i would arrive to see Thomas as per her arrangement only to be told he didn't want to see me. G would phone me 15 minutes after I had left to say he changed his mind and so i would go back and she would still not let me see him.
Thomas underwent many tests before being diagnosed with CDLS. ( this consists of severe learning difficulties, no speech and growth problems) I was with Thomas for all his tests and operations up until he was 11. I attended every appointment including staying overnight in hospital whenever Thomas had to.
From roughly the age of 4 Thomas stayed at my house every single weekend overnight and after school during the week as well as extra time in the school holidays. I travelled to Scotland many times to see my family over the years with Thomas. I bought my first house literally a few streets away so i could be near him. I was in regular contact with his schools and attended parents evening, sports days etc. until he was eighteen and moved to Dover.
I met my future wife, T, when Thomas was 11 and when informed that i was moving in with her, G completely denied me access to Thomas for 7 months. This only resumed after we sought legal advice and took her to court which resulted in us being allowed to have Thomas with us every other weekend. I then also gained parental responsibility for Thomas and a CAFCASS report was completed in our favour.
I ensured, even though T had a daughter and was pregnant with our son, that my relationship with Thomas didn't change. I moved house and had an extension built so Thomas would have his own bedroom here. I even arranged my wedding dates to coincide with Thomas's weekend as i knew that G would never have let him attend. Thomas attended holidays with us and enjoyed swimming and cycling as part of family life.
This continued until the school informed me on a regular parents evening that G was taking Thomas out of school and moving to Dover before his 18th birthday. I had no prior knowledge of this. G prevented us seeing Thomas again for several months after his eighteenth birthday. She told us that Thomas no longer needed his father and, as my parental responsibility had finished, I had to return to the solicitor. After several legal letters and money on our part, access was resumed once a month.
Since Thomas moved to Dover i have continued to see him at least once a month and we enjoy fantastic family times where he is greatly loved by my wife, stepdaughter (J) and my youngest son ( S) . I have bought annual family tickets to the local safari parks as Thomas loves animals, we have visited the beach many times, been on train and boat trips and been to Dover castle. You can see from the photographs attached that Thomas has an absolutely brilliant time with our family and very much enjoys being with us. I have attached a selection of photos taken over many years to hopefully show his happiness at being included in my family.
I even signed Thomas's first ever passport application early 2014 for G.
This arrangement continued until March 2014 which was the last time Thomas had contact with me . After that G claimed that Thomas was too unwell to see us, gave us false information regarding an operation Thomas was due and then finally would not answer calls or texts at all. I have missed Thomas's 21st birthday and Christmas 2014. I have driven to Dover several times and left cards begging her to contact me but not found her to be at home until two weeks ago (28th Feb 2015). G was furious that I had turned up and, despite Thomas being happy to see me, she forced him physically away from me and telephoned the police. She acted hysterically swearing and shouting and assaulted me at the door. The police arrived, and although very sympathetic with my situation, said I had to leave. They suggested some mediation but G refused.
I strongly believe it is in Thomas's best interest to continue to spend time with us and have involvement with our family. With Thomas's communication difficulties this has always had to be arranged via his mother and we are now forced to take action as we feel she is not meeting his social and emotional needs in accordance with Kent County Council's policy on the safeguarding of vulnerable young adults. G has a very persuasive influence over Thomas decisions that she has used to her advantage over the years and we strongly feel that Thomas's own needs and wishes are not being met. Thomas needs to have his needs as an individual met and his wishes heard away from any influence as far as practical.
I believe that the mental and emotional abuse that Thomas is suffering needs to be addressed and his mental capacity needs to be assessed in order for Thomas to be able to choose his friends and family and live in dignity which his mother is currently denying him."
The above is really just the tip of the iceberg. I have walked on eggshells with this woman for 22 years as she is so volatile and temperamental. She has used Thomas's disability to a great advantage over the years both financially and emotionally. Before anyone thinks there are always 2 sides, I can swear on my sons life that i have no skeletons to hide, i have never done anything wrong, never swore, shouted, got angry with her ever due to the ever present danger of losing him.
To recap, my son has severe learning difficulties, has no speech at all, been in and out of hospital all his life for his epilepsy and general mobility issues.
This is where Kent social services and their care of vulnerable young adults come in. Basically i have been pushed form pillar to post by them for 3 months now with nothing happening unless i really pushed them. They didn't even know Thomas was seeing me and my family even though he has a care worker that he sees very 3 months. They went to see Thomas but his mother was, in their words, aggressive and confrontational.
Eventually i was in contact with someone who seemed to care. They suggested meeting Thomas and if they agreed that Thomas best interests were to continue seeing myself and my family we could make a joint application to the court of protection. They were due to see Thomas at his day centre last Thursday without his mother knowing and then all of a sudden i received a phone call saying that they had received a letter from G's solicitor saying who knows what but they are now not allowed to contact me.! I am supposed to begetting a letter from Kent social services to tell me officially to stop contacting them!
So that was Friday. They would not let me know what was in the letter. All they said was there is nothing more they can do and i am not allowed to speak to them again. I have explained so many times that this is a safeguarding issue and their policies state they must intervene and conduct an investigation but no, nothing. I have tried to phone the senior manage of the department this morning but she isn't available.
I am just totally despondent at the moment. I have been the best father that my boy could ever have had and have literally lived my life for the last 22 years doing everything humanley possible for my son. As mentioned i have NEVER put a step wrong in anyway over all these years and i am being punished in the most awful way.
Thomas doesn't have a clue to what is going on as the last time he seen me his mother was assaulting me on the doorstep. I have spoken to the social services so many times about this and they have a duty of care to help him and look after his best interests but now nothing.
My next step is obviously back to the solicitors but another few thousand pounds is something very difficult to find right now but of course i will if i need to.
Sorry for such a long post but i really really need some help.
Dave.
I have never written anything personal in here before and never thought i would get to the situation i find myself in but i know there are some of you with great advice for others and i need some help. The following is a very brief outline of my life for the last 23 years and is copied and altered from a letter sent to social services which i will explain about after.
Please take some time to read...
"My son Thomas was born April 2003 at West Middlesex hospital where i was present for the birth and my name as father on his birth certificate.
I separated from G when Thomas was 8 months old as G had an affair and moved out of her house. We were not married and she had three older children from a previous relationship.
For the next few years G made my contact with Thomas very sporadic and on her terms, although I still saw him regularly. Many times i would arrive to see Thomas as per her arrangement only to be told he didn't want to see me. G would phone me 15 minutes after I had left to say he changed his mind and so i would go back and she would still not let me see him.
Thomas underwent many tests before being diagnosed with CDLS. ( this consists of severe learning difficulties, no speech and growth problems) I was with Thomas for all his tests and operations up until he was 11. I attended every appointment including staying overnight in hospital whenever Thomas had to.
From roughly the age of 4 Thomas stayed at my house every single weekend overnight and after school during the week as well as extra time in the school holidays. I travelled to Scotland many times to see my family over the years with Thomas. I bought my first house literally a few streets away so i could be near him. I was in regular contact with his schools and attended parents evening, sports days etc. until he was eighteen and moved to Dover.
I met my future wife, T, when Thomas was 11 and when informed that i was moving in with her, G completely denied me access to Thomas for 7 months. This only resumed after we sought legal advice and took her to court which resulted in us being allowed to have Thomas with us every other weekend. I then also gained parental responsibility for Thomas and a CAFCASS report was completed in our favour.
I ensured, even though T had a daughter and was pregnant with our son, that my relationship with Thomas didn't change. I moved house and had an extension built so Thomas would have his own bedroom here. I even arranged my wedding dates to coincide with Thomas's weekend as i knew that G would never have let him attend. Thomas attended holidays with us and enjoyed swimming and cycling as part of family life.
This continued until the school informed me on a regular parents evening that G was taking Thomas out of school and moving to Dover before his 18th birthday. I had no prior knowledge of this. G prevented us seeing Thomas again for several months after his eighteenth birthday. She told us that Thomas no longer needed his father and, as my parental responsibility had finished, I had to return to the solicitor. After several legal letters and money on our part, access was resumed once a month.
Since Thomas moved to Dover i have continued to see him at least once a month and we enjoy fantastic family times where he is greatly loved by my wife, stepdaughter (J) and my youngest son ( S) . I have bought annual family tickets to the local safari parks as Thomas loves animals, we have visited the beach many times, been on train and boat trips and been to Dover castle. You can see from the photographs attached that Thomas has an absolutely brilliant time with our family and very much enjoys being with us. I have attached a selection of photos taken over many years to hopefully show his happiness at being included in my family.
I even signed Thomas's first ever passport application early 2014 for G.
This arrangement continued until March 2014 which was the last time Thomas had contact with me . After that G claimed that Thomas was too unwell to see us, gave us false information regarding an operation Thomas was due and then finally would not answer calls or texts at all. I have missed Thomas's 21st birthday and Christmas 2014. I have driven to Dover several times and left cards begging her to contact me but not found her to be at home until two weeks ago (28th Feb 2015). G was furious that I had turned up and, despite Thomas being happy to see me, she forced him physically away from me and telephoned the police. She acted hysterically swearing and shouting and assaulted me at the door. The police arrived, and although very sympathetic with my situation, said I had to leave. They suggested some mediation but G refused.
I strongly believe it is in Thomas's best interest to continue to spend time with us and have involvement with our family. With Thomas's communication difficulties this has always had to be arranged via his mother and we are now forced to take action as we feel she is not meeting his social and emotional needs in accordance with Kent County Council's policy on the safeguarding of vulnerable young adults. G has a very persuasive influence over Thomas decisions that she has used to her advantage over the years and we strongly feel that Thomas's own needs and wishes are not being met. Thomas needs to have his needs as an individual met and his wishes heard away from any influence as far as practical.
I believe that the mental and emotional abuse that Thomas is suffering needs to be addressed and his mental capacity needs to be assessed in order for Thomas to be able to choose his friends and family and live in dignity which his mother is currently denying him."
The above is really just the tip of the iceberg. I have walked on eggshells with this woman for 22 years as she is so volatile and temperamental. She has used Thomas's disability to a great advantage over the years both financially and emotionally. Before anyone thinks there are always 2 sides, I can swear on my sons life that i have no skeletons to hide, i have never done anything wrong, never swore, shouted, got angry with her ever due to the ever present danger of losing him.
To recap, my son has severe learning difficulties, has no speech at all, been in and out of hospital all his life for his epilepsy and general mobility issues.
This is where Kent social services and their care of vulnerable young adults come in. Basically i have been pushed form pillar to post by them for 3 months now with nothing happening unless i really pushed them. They didn't even know Thomas was seeing me and my family even though he has a care worker that he sees very 3 months. They went to see Thomas but his mother was, in their words, aggressive and confrontational.
Eventually i was in contact with someone who seemed to care. They suggested meeting Thomas and if they agreed that Thomas best interests were to continue seeing myself and my family we could make a joint application to the court of protection. They were due to see Thomas at his day centre last Thursday without his mother knowing and then all of a sudden i received a phone call saying that they had received a letter from G's solicitor saying who knows what but they are now not allowed to contact me.! I am supposed to begetting a letter from Kent social services to tell me officially to stop contacting them!
So that was Friday. They would not let me know what was in the letter. All they said was there is nothing more they can do and i am not allowed to speak to them again. I have explained so many times that this is a safeguarding issue and their policies state they must intervene and conduct an investigation but no, nothing. I have tried to phone the senior manage of the department this morning but she isn't available.
I am just totally despondent at the moment. I have been the best father that my boy could ever have had and have literally lived my life for the last 22 years doing everything humanley possible for my son. As mentioned i have NEVER put a step wrong in anyway over all these years and i am being punished in the most awful way.
Thomas doesn't have a clue to what is going on as the last time he seen me his mother was assaulting me on the doorstep. I have spoken to the social services so many times about this and they have a duty of care to help him and look after his best interests but now nothing.
My next step is obviously back to the solicitors but another few thousand pounds is something very difficult to find right now but of course i will if i need to.
Sorry for such a long post but i really really need some help.
Dave.
Thank you all so much for the words of encouragement.
Vegas, thank you especially for all your advice and some great stuff there I shall explore further.
Oh and Thomas was born in 1993 so is now 22.
As far as I am aware G has full guardianship over Thomas but as you say that means that his wishes and thoughts must be respected and not hers which just isn't happening.
I have just scratched the surface with all the awful things she has done to us over the years. Like when I phoned to tell him when my son was born and she shouted at him that daddy hates you as he has a new son and won't ever be coming to see you. Like finding out at his parents evening that he was moving 120miles away two days later. Like turning up one Christmas Day to see him and her smashing all his presents up on the doorstep and throwing them at me. I could unfortunately go on and on.
I was in touch with the care worker who was meeting with Thomas and his mother every quarter for the last few years and myself and my family were never mentioned despite us seeing Thomas very regularly. She was surprised to hear this. She went to see G and Thomas but when it was mentioned she was there to discuss this matter she wasn't allowed to speak to Thomas and G was aggressive and confrontational.
Since then it moved to the rudest, most uncaring person I have ever dealt with who actually put the phone down on me one day! She never returned my calls or emails at all until I started speaking to her manager. All I wanted them to do was to see Thomas away from his mum and ask him gently about me and my family and take it from there. This was arranged for last week and if positive we would jointly apply to the court of protection together.
This was then all changed on Friday when I was told about a letter they revived which meant that they couldn't speak to me any more. Wouldn't tell me why, wether they seen Thomas or anything.
Now I raised this as a safeguarding issue which requires certain steps to be taken and they have done nothing. Not spoke to him, assessed his mental capacity, investigated anything and now silence.
But I have a couple of avenues to look into so thanks again and see what happens.
Oh and a couple of pics just to show you how happy Thomas is with me and my family and how could anyone deny him of this.
[url]
|http://thumbsnap.com/yuIXNXDE[/url][url]
|http://thumbsnap.com/A3xAHmOC[/url]
Vegas, thank you especially for all your advice and some great stuff there I shall explore further.
Oh and Thomas was born in 1993 so is now 22.
As far as I am aware G has full guardianship over Thomas but as you say that means that his wishes and thoughts must be respected and not hers which just isn't happening.
I have just scratched the surface with all the awful things she has done to us over the years. Like when I phoned to tell him when my son was born and she shouted at him that daddy hates you as he has a new son and won't ever be coming to see you. Like finding out at his parents evening that he was moving 120miles away two days later. Like turning up one Christmas Day to see him and her smashing all his presents up on the doorstep and throwing them at me. I could unfortunately go on and on.
I was in touch with the care worker who was meeting with Thomas and his mother every quarter for the last few years and myself and my family were never mentioned despite us seeing Thomas very regularly. She was surprised to hear this. She went to see G and Thomas but when it was mentioned she was there to discuss this matter she wasn't allowed to speak to Thomas and G was aggressive and confrontational.
Since then it moved to the rudest, most uncaring person I have ever dealt with who actually put the phone down on me one day! She never returned my calls or emails at all until I started speaking to her manager. All I wanted them to do was to see Thomas away from his mum and ask him gently about me and my family and take it from there. This was arranged for last week and if positive we would jointly apply to the court of protection together.
This was then all changed on Friday when I was told about a letter they revived which meant that they couldn't speak to me any more. Wouldn't tell me why, wether they seen Thomas or anything.
Now I raised this as a safeguarding issue which requires certain steps to be taken and they have done nothing. Not spoke to him, assessed his mental capacity, investigated anything and now silence.
But I have a couple of avenues to look into so thanks again and see what happens.
Oh and a couple of pics just to show you how happy Thomas is with me and my family and how could anyone deny him of this.
[url]|http://thumbsnap.com/yuIXNXDE[/url][url]|http://thumbsnap.com/A3xAHmOC[/url]Thank you all so much for the words of encouragement.
Vegas, thank you especially for all your advice and some great stuff there I shall explore further.
Oh and Thomas was born in 1993 so is now 22.
As far as I am aware G has full guardianship over Thomas but as you say that means that his wishes and thoughts must be respected and not hers which just isn't happening.
I have just scratched the surface with all the awful things she has done to us over the years. Like when I phoned to tell him when my son was born and she shouted at him that daddy hates you as he has a new son and won't ever be coming to see you. Like finding out at his parents evening that he was moving 120miles away two days later. Like turning up one Christmas Day to see him and her smashing all his presents up on the doorstep and throwing them at me. I could unfortunately go on and on.
I was in touch with the care worker who was meeting with Thomas and his mother every quarter for the last few years and myself and my family were never mentioned despite us seeing Thomas very regularly. She was surprised to hear this. She went to see G and Thomas but when it was mentioned she was there to discuss this matter she wasn't allowed to speak to Thomas and G was aggressive and confrontational.
Since then it moved to the rudest, most uncaring person I have ever dealt with who actually put the phone down on me one day! She never returned my calls or emails at all until I started speaking to her manager. All I wanted them to do was to see Thomas away from his mum and ask him gently about me and my family and take it from there. This was arranged for last week and if positive we would jointly apply to the court of protection together.
This was then all changed on Friday when I was told about a letter they revived which meant that they couldn't speak to me any more. Wouldn't tell me why, wether they seen Thomas or anything.
Now I raised this as a safeguarding issue which requires certain steps to be taken and they have done nothing. Not spoke to him, assessed his mental capacity, investigated anything and now silence.
But I have a couple of avenues to look into so thanks again and see what happens.
Oh and a couple of pics just to show you how happy Thomas is with me and my family and how could anyone deny him of this.[url]
|http://thumbsnap.com/yuIXNXDE[/url][url]
|http://thumbsnap.com/A3xAHmOC[/url]
Vegas, thank you especially for all your advice and some great stuff there I shall explore further.
Oh and Thomas was born in 1993 so is now 22.
As far as I am aware G has full guardianship over Thomas but as you say that means that his wishes and thoughts must be respected and not hers which just isn't happening.
I have just scratched the surface with all the awful things she has done to us over the years. Like when I phoned to tell him when my son was born and she shouted at him that daddy hates you as he has a new son and won't ever be coming to see you. Like finding out at his parents evening that he was moving 120miles away two days later. Like turning up one Christmas Day to see him and her smashing all his presents up on the doorstep and throwing them at me. I could unfortunately go on and on.
I was in touch with the care worker who was meeting with Thomas and his mother every quarter for the last few years and myself and my family were never mentioned despite us seeing Thomas very regularly. She was surprised to hear this. She went to see G and Thomas but when it was mentioned she was there to discuss this matter she wasn't allowed to speak to Thomas and G was aggressive and confrontational.
Since then it moved to the rudest, most uncaring person I have ever dealt with who actually put the phone down on me one day! She never returned my calls or emails at all until I started speaking to her manager. All I wanted them to do was to see Thomas away from his mum and ask him gently about me and my family and take it from there. This was arranged for last week and if positive we would jointly apply to the court of protection together.
This was then all changed on Friday when I was told about a letter they revived which meant that they couldn't speak to me any more. Wouldn't tell me why, wether they seen Thomas or anything.
Now I raised this as a safeguarding issue which requires certain steps to be taken and they have done nothing. Not spoke to him, assessed his mental capacity, investigated anything and now silence.
But I have a couple of avenues to look into so thanks again and see what happens.
Oh and a couple of pics just to show you how happy Thomas is with me and my family and how could anyone deny him of this.
[url]|http://thumbsnap.com/yuIXNXDE[/url][url]|http://thumbsnap.com/A3xAHmOC[/url]I just would like to say a huge thanks to everyone for their support so far. Especially to breadvan for his help away from these forums.
I received a letter from kent county council stating they are taking no further action or investigation into this despite all the evidence present. Despite no one actually meeting with Thomas to ask what he wants. Despite their own procedures not being adhered to.
So I need to move on and find a new direction to get someone that will actually want to have an active interest in looking at what my son wants and needs.
It's all just crap!
I received a letter from kent county council stating they are taking no further action or investigation into this despite all the evidence present. Despite no one actually meeting with Thomas to ask what he wants. Despite their own procedures not being adhered to.
So I need to move on and find a new direction to get someone that will actually want to have an active interest in looking at what my son wants and needs.
It's all just crap!
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