Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed

[theboss]

I need advice very quickly and I know PH can deliver. My marriage is breaking down and we agreed to separate a week ago. The history is complicated but for some time I have suspected and even accused her of cheating which she has always denied. It's now come to light with irrefutable evidence that she has been in an affair for possibly 2 years and is actively setting up a new home with the guy (who is also married). They are nearly ready to make the move - she is waiting for the right moment and has suggested she will remove 'what she can' from the house when I am not here to have a say about anything.

Ordinarily I would just leave with any obvious valuables I wished to safeguard, but 6 weeks ago I suffered a rare spinal cord disorder which has left me with impaired mobility and continence. I can't really live out of a suitcase.

There are three children 7, 11 and 15 living here. She intends to take our daughters (the younger two) but has stated that her son, my step-son, wants to carry on staying with me. Wouldn't want a teenager getting in the way of the new man and all that...

My original plan on gathering evidence of the affair was to sit it out and try and pre-empt her move, thwarting any attempt to do it behind my back, maybe do a bit of an Adenauer and then post on PH for applause, however I now have a feeling she is wanting to drag this out for a few more weeks and I'm sat here having not eaten for 4 days, hardly slept and in despair frankly to the point of feeling suicidal. My recent health setback has already had an impact on my mental stability so this is driving me over the edge.

She has told me she is going out for lunch (meaning she is meeting him, probably at their new house), I have a GPS equipped device in the car as I know from her messages she doesn't intend to reveal the location straight away, and I also have the guys wife contactable via Facebook if I want to create a scene for them potentially.

Really what I need to know is, am I within my rights to just lock her out of the house. She has already arranged her alternative accommodation, the kids can always stay here with me alone, or alternatively accommodation is also available locally with my in laws. Our home is rented and the tenancy is in both names. I am the sole income provider if that means anything.

I regret wanting to cause a 'scene' for the kids but I don't have the strength to continue facing her or having a fight, I'm partially disabled and can't really just live away from home, and there is a real risk she might turn the place over if I do.

This could all be happening between now and this afternoon so any advice is welcome. I am waiting for a matrimonial lawyer to call me also.

No advice on money needed - there are no substantial funds in any account that she can access or not.

Edited by theboss on Friday 6th May 08:00

Edited by theboss on Friday 6th May 11:38

[theboss]

Vaud said:

There is a reverse strategy.

Be as nice as possible. Stay in the house today. Offer her help to move her stuff out. Pay for a van and a mate to help, etc. Wish her well. Smile. Offer for the girls to come round anytime. Make it clear that they are always welcome.

etc

I've tried this and its proven impossible.

Thanks for all your help guys. I've confronted her and told her I think she should speed up her moving out plans.

[theboss]

Black_S3 said:

Even if it was in sole name, it's almost certainly a breach of a tenancy agreement. One call to the landlord/letting agent would cause a problem that could find him evicted within a few months.

ETA - If the only reason people are suggesting changing the locks is to stop the house being cleared. The better option is to hide all the small valuables/sentimental items, in the property so you haven't removed them either. Potentially put a discrete kensington lock on an expensive tv to the tv stand.... How far do you go? If her coming in and swiping the sofas etc speeds up her exit it may well be cheap at the price.

Edited by Black_S3 on Friday 6th May 11:34

I've already pretty much agreed she can take any furniture items, appliances and obviously anything the kids need. I'm more worried about her doing something out of spite or trying to make off with things I've bought which aren't the above.

Really messy situation. Horrible. I feel my mind has cleared somewhat since blowing it all out in the open.

[theboss]

Escapegoat said:

Good luck OP.

Black_S3 said:

Even if it was in sole name, it's almost certainly a breach of a tenancy agreement. One call to the landlord/letting agent would cause a problem that could find him evicted within a few months.

Well, first, if the rent is paid, the landlord has no incentive to get involved in a potentially costly case. And even if the landlord wanted to, getting an eviction in a family break-up situation won't be straightforward.

My concern is that the shoe could very soon be on the other foot. OP comes home and finds it's the other half that's changed the locks, they argue (she claims), she calls the police and says she's afraid, and the police turn up. They will, very simply and very fimrly tell him to go away. Or be arrested.

Then the occupation/preventative steps orders (etc) are made and he's the one trying to find justice from the Family Courts, CAFCASS, etc.

This is why I'm determined to stay calm and not leave the house!

[theboss]

I don't think the landlords would have any problem with changing the locks - I'm on very good terms with the owner of the estate I rent from and have spoken to her this morning to make her aware of the situation and to seek advice re changing the contract when the wife agrees she's leaving. I didn't ask the question specifically though. She also has a legal background and has been able to confirm equal access rights etc.

I'm not going to prevent the wife from entering the property but I'm certainly going to resist any attempt to compell me to leave or to remove property (I'm the sole income provider and have bought everything but don't mind her taking some essentials as stated above).

I'm going to alert his wife too. I've gone through hell for 18 months and now I feel he needs to feel some pressure.

[theboss]

Henzy said:

Vaud said:

theboss said:

I'm going to alert his wife too. I've gone through hell for 18 months and now I feel he needs to feel some pressure.

"my life is hell so I must make someone else too"

I know you are hurting, but not sure what you have to gain from this. She left you months ago, mentally, if not years ago.

Don't agree with Vaud - Gloves came off the second he got involved with your wife.
She also has every right to know ASAP - I'm sure she will also want to start planning her best interests much like you.

Exactly. People are fked over when they are deceived and left entirely in the dark. I'm aiming to enlighten her and I expect she'd be grateful for it in the future.

[theboss]

I've already sent a message as yet unacknowledged. I know it stands to delay things slightly which could fk me up, but then this has been running for a long time and I've always felt that the moment I had hard evidence (no pun intended) I'd drop him in the st 'just because'. It's hard to convey the anxiety I've experienced for quite some time now whilst being derided as deluded/suspicious/paranoid every time I've brought it up. I suspect they are now panicking like mad about things, which means the boot is refreshingly on the other foot for a change.

Seriously, fk him.

[theboss]

eatcustard said:

If she is being violent cant you get her to stay away from the house (via police and courts), as you have kids present, or am I being stupid?

She's not being violent. She's trying to be assertive, telling me how it is, and if I disagree with her she will become increasingly hostile and then accuse me of shouting and being aggressive.

She also plays the 'full time parent' card and assumes I have no rights whatsoever.

What this woman has done to me is really nothing short of astounding.

I gather she plans to collect her stuff from here tomorrow with the new bloke helping out - where the hell do I stand there? Slightly antagonistic...

[theboss]

She's just dropped the kids back to me after taking them to their new house and introducing them to the new guy who has already moved in and seems to have left his wife. So from never having met the kids before they are told they will be living with him full time.

She is also starting to dictate what items she can/will remove from the house. Can I stop her? She seems to "know her rights".

[theboss]

Well I did kind of force the issue by discovering and confronting - she would have drawn this out for a few more weeks.

But yes its exactly that - the kids have just been shown their new home and "friend" with no prior warning.

She has left them with me to go back there for the night and they have been sobbing, despite her cheery insistence that they were fine.

Its just amazing isn't it.

[theboss]

Red Devil said:

theboss said:

But yes its exactly that - the kids have just been shown their new home and "friend" with no prior warning.

She has left them with me to go back there for the night and they have been sobbing, despite her cheery insistence that they were fine.

Its just amazing isn't it.

Unbelievable is the word I would use.

It's going to hard but you have to stay strong for their sakes. Your reaction and what you say now will have a profound effect on their perception of you going forward. Resist the temptation to say anything detrimental about their mother. They will be able to work it out for themselves in the coming days. Tell them you love them and your door will always be open for them. You'll be 'with' them even if it turns out not to be under the same roof.

Something else to think about. How this revelation is going to affect their performance at school. My money says it will suffer. If there are exams upcoming this could do them no favours at all.

The 15 year old (my stepson but as good as mine) starts his GCSE exams in a few weeks. He seems completely baffled by the whole thing.

I've just finished consoling my 7 year old again in bed, she woke up crying.

I feel a lot more positive about myself for the first time in a while. I was originally thinking of just bolting from the area given no other friends/family and that I work outside the area a lot, but it's really just dawned on me that my kids are going to need me around more than ever and that our bonds can strengthen despite not seeing them every day.

[theboss]

To confirm I accidently left my ipad in my leased car that the soon-to-be-ex-from-hell is enjoying driving for the short term future.

[theboss]

johnfm said:

You're being quite passive.

Stop just letting things happen.

Get the locks changed and house secure. Put all her things in bin bags and leave them outside the back.

Empty your bank accounts now.

Tell her if she wants to set up home she can do it on her own dime.

That sounds great, but the problem as I understand it, is that I can't actually deny her access to the place until she has "finished" moving out and the tenancy has been redrawn to reflect. Can anyone confirm?

[theboss]

Tomo1971 said:

theboss said:

To confirm I accidently left my ipad in my leased car that the soon-to-be-ex-from-hell is enjoying driving for the short term future.

Under the circumstances, isnt that a bit silly (not the ipad, thats a brilliant idea) but letting her use a lease car? Speeding tickets, parking tickets etc - as its leased could take a month or more to land on your door mat and you as the 'keeper' at the time would be responsible for them unless you could show/prove who had the car. Under the circumstances, I doubt if she would coff for it.

Either put a stop to it, or record every time she takes the car out in some way.

I'll put a stop to the lease but given that this kicked off today I might wait until next week. She needs transport and its being used primarily to ferry my kids around. But yes I agree with your point that it represents an unacceptable liability.

[theboss]

AndrewCrown said:

Hi TheBoss…

Well what a hell of a day you have had… I’ve read every post on here.

I think you did a good thing by sharing this with us all and I hope in doing so it has stopped you doing anything too rash and antagonistic in this barrel of sh*t you have found yourself in… I really do feel for you and like the others I am sorry this is happening to you…

Just take a step back and look at the ‘Ends’ of anything; relationships, employment, wars, life, companies, even nights out… they end up in a right mess.. ends are always messy… always have been always will.

Some notable posters today were Vaud, Stuttgartmetal and Weeboot I thought they had some very very good angles… I cannot imagine it is possible to take on board anything right now whilst this is so raw…..

You might have heard of this phrase of ‘going to the balcony’… often used in negotiation… it’s just a way of looking down on a situation and trying to see everyone’s point of view… her, the kids, the new bloke, his soon to be ex… and you… a kind of detachment… I’d encourage you to try and detach for a moment tomorrow… try to see this situation from above… Ultimately you can’t control them but you can control yourself and that is the only thing that matters right now..

Another tuppence from me is not to sweat the small stuff… rental contracts, car leases, locks, possessions just let them go for now… it will all sort out ok later.. so let her have the car for a month or two… so what…. Stay put and have solid place for you and the kids…

Let this thing play out with your dignity intact… stop texting, messaging or involving others.. put aside revenge tactics.. ride the storm and concentrate on looking after you and keeping a mellow calm place for your kids..

Whilst I appreciate every response here this is particularly helpful and something I will try to follow closely. My approach is already very familiar - I can't change locks immediately, have discussed items she can have including some appliances and I have her assurance she won't touch certain things e.g my piano, expensive hifi and also a number of rather oversized furniture and appliance items which are laborious to move and which you just won't possibly fit in a small cottage like the one she has rented.

It also seems like they don't have much resources and I don't want to experience the potential anxiety of the love rival of all people turning up to help move things. I have taken photos and will produce a list for her to agree and sign. I will give her the benefit of doubt and disappear until Sunday night. It may be a mistake but there will be evidence of what she takes and that I have conducted myself very reasonably.

She will be much poorer now but seems keen to prove that she doesn't need my money (for now) and will settle for doing things cheaply on her own two feet rather than taking from the marital home. If I have to offer her £500 towards some cheap appliances she will probably take that than try to remove the much more expensive items I have here.

Removing the car would be a massive threat to her so not going there just yet... it would be inviting the mental... as you say what harm wll a month or two do.

Am going to my mates tomorrow, he is in a flat temporarily having moved out of his own marital home, I just hope I get back to find the place in one piece. I have already removed "small" personal values like expensive audio, computer and camera equipment.

She is also dictating to the 15 year old that he will move... its his 16th birthday in 4 weeks and as mentioned he is now in exam season. I think she should throw the choice to the lad about where he lives at least just for the next few months.

Thanks again. Its been a day I will never forget but I'm a hell of a lot happier now than I was 24 hours ago

[theboss]

Its just the teenage lad... he may choose to go with his mum once the initial shock has passed, but in any case feels his mind is being made up for him.

Come his 16th birthday he would have the choice anyway would he not?

[theboss]

Guys, its not as simple as that. Firstly I've ensured the joint account is heavily overdrawn and suggested she has her name taken off it Monday. I have agreed to let her take some furniture because if I don't she can't actually move out of the house which will drive me mad. I'm prepaped to lose an old sofa and the kids beds to try and push things forward for her as quickly as possible.

as soon as she has "moved out" and taken when she reasonably needs - that I agree to - to establish her new home, she will be out of my way, at which point the locksmith will come.

She is being a total and utter snake, but doing anything to aggrevate her at this moment in time, when she hasn't actually "moved out", is likely to cause me a lot of avoidable aggro.

I now have a massive amount of furniture for a single bloke anyway, and all the quality stuff I'm keeping because its huge and she literally won't bother trying to dismantle and move it to a much smaller house. If she tries anyway, I will intervene, but my questioning was along the lines of "can I intervene by just locking her out".

Until our tenancy is redrawn it seems that actually I can't!

[theboss]

Can someone with a legal background comment on the repercussions of locking her out of the house?

She asserts she has a right to enter the marital home at present. I have a feeling she does too. The family lawyer I spoke to on Friday certainly didn't advise doing this. If I lock her out she's going to create a hell of a scene - the police get called - then what? I have to let her in.

I appreciate it would be nice to just change the locks but have a feeling this is going to backfire.

If I do it after she's moved her essentials today (clothes, kids bedroom furniture etc) then she has a lot less to come back here for.

I can order replacement kids beds easily.

[theboss]

johnwilliams77 said:

What notice period does your tenancy have? If it's a month rolling now then I would give it on Monday and suck up the overlap for the sake of getting a good nights sleep.

Its two months

The landlady (with about 150 properties) advised that if I intended to stay in the place indefinitely I have the contract amended with the wife removed... and let her think I am remaining there. Her reasoning was that if I immediately terminate the wife would then expect to become a recipient of the deposit (£3k-odd) and that its not uncommon to see squabbles in this situation. I'm inclined to stay here anyway as I feel its best for the kids.

[theboss]

fesuvious said:

Am I the only one pondering if those here on the high horse of righteous indignation over the surveillance techniques are also the types to have affairs?

Its funny because the wife always accused me of being paranoid and attempting to invade her privacy......