Another marriage guidance question to the masses
Discussion
Apologies, but assuming a different identity for obvious reasons....
I'm after some ideas from those that may have been through this.
Married, 2 children, good wife.
Married a fair while, and life is ok, my wife is a good person, I love and respect her but for some years I guess it has been a sisterly type love, she is the mother of my children. She is happy with our life. We have enough, and up until a while ago I guess we were happy as is so to speak. I have always been loyal, and am not one to look outside of marriage for anything, and never have.
However, along came a woman that literally I dropped head over heels with, she the same about me, as if a switch went on. I have known her a few years, we haven't had any sort of an illicit affair, no physical contact apart from a couple of pecks on the cheek, although we have had hours of talking. She is also married, neither of us have anything to gain from each other from this, other than seemingly a very natural and relaxed partnership.
My loyalty lies with my wife obviously, and not being one for sneaking around I find myself wondering what on earth to do. I have always said I would never leave the household, and would always be there for the kids. My wifes father was never around, and for this reason I believe I would be staying for the wrong reason.
Talk about at my wits end....relate or that sort of thing I don't think would work (but will try it) At this moment in time my wife obviously knows there are a few snags, and asks what is wrong with her. There obviously isn't, but I don't want to ruin her life, I guess I wasn't happy prior, so telling her there is potentially a third party wouldn't help at all.
The 'right' thing is to tell xxxxx it can't happen. But I don't want to do that, but I also don't want to hurt my wife. Nothing has happened outside of my marriage that could be called any sort of playing away, just a meeting of two very well matched people - that I must add weren't looking for this - and xxxxxx has told me that it is the last thing she wants to get in the way of family life, but can't help what she thinks.
Pointers gratefully received folks, from both sides of the sexes, this is a real life changing thing I'm constantly thinking about. Do I stay and do the 'right' thing, or make other plans, or keep xxxxxxx as a friend as we both are trying to do the decent thing.
Yes, I know this isn't marriage guidance councilling on line, but from experience ph has the best balance of views anywhere.
I'm after some ideas from those that may have been through this.
Married, 2 children, good wife.
Married a fair while, and life is ok, my wife is a good person, I love and respect her but for some years I guess it has been a sisterly type love, she is the mother of my children. She is happy with our life. We have enough, and up until a while ago I guess we were happy as is so to speak. I have always been loyal, and am not one to look outside of marriage for anything, and never have.
However, along came a woman that literally I dropped head over heels with, she the same about me, as if a switch went on. I have known her a few years, we haven't had any sort of an illicit affair, no physical contact apart from a couple of pecks on the cheek, although we have had hours of talking. She is also married, neither of us have anything to gain from each other from this, other than seemingly a very natural and relaxed partnership.
My loyalty lies with my wife obviously, and not being one for sneaking around I find myself wondering what on earth to do. I have always said I would never leave the household, and would always be there for the kids. My wifes father was never around, and for this reason I believe I would be staying for the wrong reason.
Talk about at my wits end....relate or that sort of thing I don't think would work (but will try it) At this moment in time my wife obviously knows there are a few snags, and asks what is wrong with her. There obviously isn't, but I don't want to ruin her life, I guess I wasn't happy prior, so telling her there is potentially a third party wouldn't help at all.
The 'right' thing is to tell xxxxx it can't happen. But I don't want to do that, but I also don't want to hurt my wife. Nothing has happened outside of my marriage that could be called any sort of playing away, just a meeting of two very well matched people - that I must add weren't looking for this - and xxxxxx has told me that it is the last thing she wants to get in the way of family life, but can't help what she thinks.
Pointers gratefully received folks, from both sides of the sexes, this is a real life changing thing I'm constantly thinking about. Do I stay and do the 'right' thing, or make other plans, or keep xxxxxxx as a friend as we both are trying to do the decent thing.
Yes, I know this isn't marriage guidance councilling on line, but from experience ph has the best balance of views anywhere.
Swilly said:
You can guarantee that the feelings for this other woman are generated by the situation you believe you are in with your wife.
Consider this, if your wife told you, quite coincidentally, that she was leaving you for another man, i imagine your feelings for this other woman would change completely.
Some people say the grass is greener on the other side of the fence..... trying watering your own garden and see how green it gets
very good points.Consider this, if your wife told you, quite coincidentally, that she was leaving you for another man, i imagine your feelings for this other woman would change completely.
Some people say the grass is greener on the other side of the fence..... trying watering your own garden and see how green it gets
Para 2 - I'm not sure, that's the problem, it isn't a whim, and to some degree, as bad as it makes me feel, I think there would be some relief as well as sorrow.
Para 3 - yes, indeed, but I have tried watering prior to xxxxx, but I think we may have changed over the years, and I think maybe a bit too far.
Again, good points, have been trying.Mrs Trackside said:
Grumpy One, how old are your kids? and how long have you been with your wife?
10 and 5. Been with my wife overall for 16 years, married 10.In answer to a few opinions/questions.
Have I thought it wasn't working prior to xxxxx turning up - yes.
Have I put it to my wife - yes, we've talked, and tried, but still the same.
No, we don't argue, and No, she is in no way a spiteful cow/bitch/etc etc she's a damn good mum, works hard and a nice person.
We don't argue because as long as I have a breath in my body, I'll not have my kids see us doing that.
In relation to going out more, yes would love to, trouble is, no family around, I work away/strange hours, and most evenings the kids are doing stuff.
When we're together, we don't talk much, and have different interests.
I'm no fool (believe it or not!!) I'm not going to just go and shag someone else, I have too much respect for my wife for that, but I know when things seem right or wrong, my home life feels wrong, I'm not blaming anything in particular, but after talking to my wife, if it means I stay for the children then so be it, they are the most important thing. But they are intelligent things kids, they pick up on things....and that I wouldn't want either.
To those that are saying midlife crisis- I can understand your thoughts, but this isn't a sudden thing. I have known 'other woman' for years, I'm not about to ruin her and my marriage lightly. If I just wanted a shag I would have done that by now.
I appreciate the frankness of the answers folks, I'm off to tesco's shopping. I'll suggest bending her over the fishmongers counter.
Indeed fittster, kids are perceptive and I would rather them come to two happy homes instead of one not so.
And Grass widow - I appreciate your post. I would never jump straight into the arms of another woman. But it's just odd that's all. I have met someone with exactly the same interests as me, in virtually everything. My marriage ending isn't as a result of this, but has definately made me think, and as a previous poster has said, it may be the jolt it needs to make or break.
however, I would sacrifice all for the kids happiness. Trouble is, if we leave it until they are older, they might react worse, as all their memories they may believe are a sham - not that they are, but I don't like living a lie, especially to those I love.
And Grass widow - I appreciate your post. I would never jump straight into the arms of another woman. But it's just odd that's all. I have met someone with exactly the same interests as me, in virtually everything. My marriage ending isn't as a result of this, but has definately made me think, and as a previous poster has said, it may be the jolt it needs to make or break.
however, I would sacrifice all for the kids happiness. Trouble is, if we leave it until they are older, they might react worse, as all their memories they may believe are a sham - not that they are, but I don't like living a lie, especially to those I love.
I really will try, and once again I appreciate the advice. Busamav - candid replies are good, your experience noted.
Trouble is I work with her. But we are both mature enough not to ruin innocent peoples lives. So, I can't not see or speak to her, but we know the line that mustn't be crossed.
I'll report back.
Trouble is I work with her. But we are both mature enough not to ruin innocent peoples lives. So, I can't not see or speak to her, but we know the line that mustn't be crossed.
I'll report back.
Gazboy said:
No matter how many times I write & re-read this opener, it sounds as rude as hell so forgive my lack of eloquence and subtlety:
If your wife was a sexual tyrannosaurus between the sheets, would you have even noticed the other woman? I'm not implying your wife is a crap shag, I'm just wondering if you two are still having good sex and lots of it?
Why not book her a couple of days off work (without telling her) then leave a post-it note on her steering wheel when she leaves for work saying:
"YOUR BIKINI, TOOTHBRUSH & PASSPORT
ARE IN THE GLOVEBOX, I'LL SEE
YOU AT HEATHROW IN 1 HOUR"
then bugger off to Greece and just do the things you did when you first met, have your first 20 dates all over again or something.
Well, without sounding disrespectful, in a word no, she has absolutely no drive at all, which she has stated she knows but over the last 6 years has tried to do something (so have I) by talking about it, me encouraging her etc, but has said it probably won't happen.If your wife was a sexual tyrannosaurus between the sheets, would you have even noticed the other woman? I'm not implying your wife is a crap shag, I'm just wondering if you two are still having good sex and lots of it?
Why not book her a couple of days off work (without telling her) then leave a post-it note on her steering wheel when she leaves for work saying:
"YOUR BIKINI, TOOTHBRUSH & PASSPORT
ARE IN THE GLOVEBOX, I'LL SEE
YOU AT HEATHROW IN 1 HOUR"
then bugger off to Greece and just do the things you did when you first met, have your first 20 dates all over again or something.
And yes, it is frustrating, but I really have tried. Yes, we have two kids, both work, but it's a contributory factor to my current situation / thoughts.
Edited by grumpy one on Thursday 24th May 21:34
We've done that ali, and to be honest, they weren't much help. I'm not blaming the medical services here, but as my wife says, it's her problem and can only sort it out herself.
Anyway, this is going into personal stuff for her, and don't want it to turn into something that makes it look like her problem, she is happy to go on as we are, but I'm the one who isn't, so really it's me that needs to sort it out.
Anyway, this is going into personal stuff for her, and don't want it to turn into something that makes it look like her problem, she is happy to go on as we are, but I'm the one who isn't, so really it's me that needs to sort it out.
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