Sean Connery Joke

[currymonster]

I know this isnt a joke forum, but couldnt resist this one.

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean, I've
got you a job - starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".

Sean furrows his brow and says
"Tennish? but I dont even have a racket."

[loudpedal]

A man is walking his dog on a deserted beach when he comes across the dead body of an attractive young woman. Stunned, he runs to phone for help. On his return, he finds a man busy humping away on the body. Shocked, he says 'stop, dont you know that woman is dead!!?' to which the interupted shagger replies 'really!!! I thought she was English...'

boom boom.

[loudpedal]

Two Palestinian girls walking down Jerusalem high street in their flowing
gowns.
One turns to the other and says,
"Does my bomb look big in this?"

sorry.

[loudpedal]

Mr. Jones.

I just thought I'd mention that the beer scooter I use automatically takes me on a 9 mile tour of south London looking for an open Kebab shop at 3 in the morning. Unfortunately, the ride home must tend to be bumpy as I normally manage to spill kebab fat and chilli all down my best shirt. Does anyone else have this problem?

[loudpedal]

quote:
I take it that the Beer Scooter doesn't figure untill the 8th Harry Potter book when he goes to University ?

If this is so, then when does the Beer Monkey come into play? (you know, the one that beats you up and steals all your money, then has a cr@p in your mouth when you're asleep).

[loudpedal]

quote:

quote:
Last night thieves hijacked a truck delivering new toilet seats to the police station. Detectives say they have nothing to go on.

There's a big hole in the middle of the road on the street outside my office. - Police are looking into it!

shouldnt that be 'there's a big hole in the nudist colony fence, the police are looking into it'???

[loudpedal]

Apologies if this has been posted before.

A girl walks in to a supermarket in Burnley and buys the following
items:

1 Bar of Soap
1 Toothbrush
1 Tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 kraft single
1 samosa
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 frozen pizza
1 single frozen dinner

The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder. He is carrying a basket with a six pack of stella, a pizza and some Wagon Wheels. As she turns he smiles at her and says, "Single, eh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies "How did you guess?"

He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says

"Because you're minging"