Being “gentler” with colleagues
Discussion
I work in a very “caring and gentle” workplace (HR Managers words not mine). Staffing is over 90% female working with young children in a school.
Twice in as many years HR have received a complaint about staff interaction with me. On both occasions the complaint is that I was very abrupt with them and they were upset.
Now, in the real world people have to get on with all sorts at work but I have been asked to consider how I speak to people. Not what I say but how I say it. For example, instead of simply saying “no” try to put it in a gentler way so as not to upset the person asking. On the whole the majority of people I work with have no issue with talking and working with me but a small % are actually scared of me (according to HR).
To me this is a bit ridiculous but I accept that I am very direct and will make myself very clear to people. If people disagree then by all means have a discussion about it but don’t go off crying because someone gave you an answer you don’t like. Best way I can describe myself is like the Martin Clunes character “Doc Martin”. But better looking
I have actually challenged the latest accusation made to HR as the persons recollection of events is incorrect and I do have a witness to support that.
HR’s suggestion was to treat staff as I do the children which would be insulting to the majority.
It’s not nice being perceived as a nasty person and I would be interested to hear ideas how I can improve peoples view of me at work.
Twice in as many years HR have received a complaint about staff interaction with me. On both occasions the complaint is that I was very abrupt with them and they were upset.
Now, in the real world people have to get on with all sorts at work but I have been asked to consider how I speak to people. Not what I say but how I say it. For example, instead of simply saying “no” try to put it in a gentler way so as not to upset the person asking. On the whole the majority of people I work with have no issue with talking and working with me but a small % are actually scared of me (according to HR).
To me this is a bit ridiculous but I accept that I am very direct and will make myself very clear to people. If people disagree then by all means have a discussion about it but don’t go off crying because someone gave you an answer you don’t like. Best way I can describe myself is like the Martin Clunes character “Doc Martin”. But better looking
I have actually challenged the latest accusation made to HR as the persons recollection of events is incorrect and I do have a witness to support that.
HR’s suggestion was to treat staff as I do the children which would be insulting to the majority.
It’s not nice being perceived as a nasty person and I would be interested to hear ideas how I can improve peoples view of me at work.
This is the crazy thing. My role is not overly stressful or demanding, I'm the catering manager for a group of schools and I teach a couple of afternoons. It has its moments like everyones jobs, good and bad but it's hardly life or death stuff. I took this role having worked in training for 25+ years so interacting with people (training 20,000+ people) shouldn't be an issue!
If you had a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 was someone who cried at the Andrex puppy adverts and a raving militant psychopath at 10 some the staff at 1 and I'm a 6. Most other people are a 5 and we have a couple of 7's!
The cartoon is definitely how some people think of me, have to say it is only a handful out of 100+ but still be nice to have everyone onside.
If you had a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 was someone who cried at the Andrex puppy adverts and a raving militant psychopath at 10 some the staff at 1 and I'm a 6. Most other people are a 5 and we have a couple of 7's!
The cartoon is definitely how some people think of me, have to say it is only a handful out of 100+ but still be nice to have everyone onside.
b
hstewie said:
hstewie said:- Your employer has a company culture where HR always has a queue of people lining up to make complaints over the most petty of matters.
truck71 said:
Try to use the comments positively, I'd thoroughly recommend doing a 360 feedback exercise amongst colleagues/ peers. It is really useful to understand how others perceive your behaviours compared to how you perceive them. I did it some years ago and was startled to learn I was a scary autocratic type who didn't listen. It helped me change this and develop not just professionally but personally (albeit with the odd reversion to type now and then).
Excellent idea. It's about time we did a staff survey not just about "me" but of my department as a whole. I have a few staff changes happening after Christmas so the new year would a good time to do something like this.bhstewie said:
hstewie said:hondafanatic said:
I think most people can get through their career without one complaint against them, but I'm purely guessing based on my work life.
That's what I was driving at earlier whilst taking into account that different organisations have different cultures.I don't work for a huge firm but I'd never ever dream of going to HR unless someone had seriously got to me, but that's because IMO HR aren't the people you go to when you want someone to be "had a word" with, it's where you go when you have a genuine grievance and you walk in there with a possible consequence being you f
k up someone else's career.Maybe it's totally different in a school?
@Tony what's the hierarchy? Who sites between you and HR?
And yes, I can see how someone might have taken how I said things in a critical way but only if they were extremely sensitive in the first place. But theres more chance of me changing than them and its not in my interest to have HR second guessing me.
My genuine thoughts are that I am direct and can be quite abrupt but that's it. I work with 95% of people without any issue at all. Perfectly normal, friendly working relationships.
227bhp said:
Maybe you don't know yourself as well as you think you do.
You've compared yourself to a public figure who is thought to be on the Aspergers scale, doesn't realise it, nor does anyone around him. Whilst he does his job exceptionally well (from the viewpoint of expertise and simply getting things done) he rubs people up the wrong way all the time, he is so efficient he seems to miss the other bits needed when dealing with humans.
I wonder if you've ever watched a drama called 'The Bridge', if you haven't and like Doc Martin I would recommend it, start with series one.
That's fair comment and (working with Autistic kids) I recognise the traits in me. When I liken myself to Doc Martin I'd say in a much milder form. I might think like he acts in the programme but I don't actually act like it (well not all the time!).You've compared yourself to a public figure who is thought to be on the Aspergers scale, doesn't realise it, nor does anyone around him. Whilst he does his job exceptionally well (from the viewpoint of expertise and simply getting things done) he rubs people up the wrong way all the time, he is so efficient he seems to miss the other bits needed when dealing with humans.
I wonder if you've ever watched a drama called 'The Bridge', if you haven't and like Doc Martin I would recommend it, start with series one.
227bhp said:
As you say, maybe a little bit seeps out from time to time and that is what they are picking up on.
The Martin character is obviously strengthened to make it entertaining viewing, you wonder how far he would have got if it were real life.
Purely from my own POV, I saw it as you either put your mask on and get on with it, or stop pretending to be a team player, work on your own, make your world around you to suit and be yourself.
An interesting subject I think, one which should perhaps be titled 'Yes, but it gets the job done doesn't it?'
Thing is I manage kitchen teams, and with them there is no issue. They know I am very specific and pedantic about how things need to be done and they do it. Occasionally I pick them up on things but do so in a supportive way, criticising the practice, not the person etcThe Martin character is obviously strengthened to make it entertaining viewing, you wonder how far he would have got if it were real life.
Purely from my own POV, I saw it as you either put your mask on and get on with it, or stop pretending to be a team player, work on your own, make your world around you to suit and be yourself.
An interesting subject I think, one which should perhaps be titled 'Yes, but it gets the job done doesn't it?'
I happily work in a team of similar or higher performers, lead teams or work on my own. Where I struggle is interacting with people who are making my work life more difficult through their incompetence or plain stupidity, eg. interrupting me to ask a question the answer to which was explained at two meetings and three emails they failed to attend and read.
I think in that instance I queried if they had email and suggested they actually read it.
Pickled Piper said:
If you are being accused of being "abrupt". Chances are that the other person feels they are not being listened to. Try letting them finish talking and consider your body language. You need to show you are listening, or look like you are listening, even if you are not. Nod your head, tilt your head, look at them and use phrases like "I see", "OK" etc. Once they have finished, ask them a few questions, this may prompt them to say more, then start your response.
Understand what you are saying but the listening part isn't the problem, its my response. Normally a very short answer.For example, I should say...
"I appreciate what you are asking and I can see its important to you. But, right now I don't see how your request can be accommodated so unfortunately we'll have to look at how I can incorporate what you need into future plans. I'll let you know as soon as I can help"
At best what I say is... "Sorry, can't help with that right now" and at worst "Sorry, no. Can't do it" Normally followed by me just walking away.
Another example when someone repeatedly does the same thing incorrectly despite being formally trained and coached on the job for several months/years(!) might be "In what world do you think that is acceptable?" and in one particularly memorable example they said "I'm really proud of whats I've done" (which was a complete disaster) I did actually say "Don't be, its crap".
I know what I should say and do just can't be arsed to pander to people who are incompetent.
Guess its that old saying of "Not suffering fools gladly".
Does that make me wrong? In the eyes of HR yes but in the real world?
So at work (at least) I need to try to be more tolerant and understanding of some of the people I work with.
bhstewie said:
hstewie said: The real world is changing.
I used to work with a chap who had a knack of being right most of the time but who was also very blunt and no-nonsense in how went about telling people they were in the wrong.
He's left now but have a guess whether he's remembered as:
I guess on this one I just need to keep my head down.I used to work with a chap who had a knack of being right most of the time but who was also very blunt and no-nonsense in how went about telling people they were in the wrong.
He's left now but have a guess whether he's remembered as:
- The guy who was always right
- The bell-end
As I said the HR I'll just smile at people.
227bhp said:
Self employment is increasingly popular these days for many good reasons and it's not the money.
And therein lies part of the problem. I have always either been self employed or when employed been pretty much autonomous from management and given free reign to run things as I see fit.Like I have said, 95% of people are fine with me and me with them. I'm just going to have to be careful not to offend those who are prone to being offended.
Today I'm finishing off a survey I'm going to send to all staff asking for feedback on my department, service levels and staff with the staff bit not obviously but pretty much aimed at me.
Be interesting to see what they have to say!
Edit: Any suggestions or links to similar appreciated.
shep1001 said:
I got pulled in with one of the lads I work with to see HR for arguing. We were having some light hearted banter and a discussion about some product inventory I had allocated to me rather than his customer. It was along the lines that my customer is more important & probably spills more on the floor than yours buys so naturally your order got blobbed so stop bumping your gums.
We were wetting ourselves, almost to the point of crying but HR were deadly serious, how they kept a straight face I don't know. You see he hadn't reported me, somebody walking past the office had heard us 'arguing' and thought that was not conducive to a good sales environment & morale. No mention about calling each other knob head or the other expletives that might have been used, just we were 'arguing' and its 'all one team' bks.
We had to apologise to each other so HR could go back to our 'accuser' and explain the outcome. They would not tell us who reported us either.
Similar thing first time I got "HR'd". Someone (I can guess who) was upset by the way I spoke to someone else. The person being spoken too wasn't and they told HR that they weren't. The concern was that a 3rd party to the conversation thought I was "being nasty".We were wetting ourselves, almost to the point of crying but HR were deadly serious, how they kept a straight face I don't know. You see he hadn't reported me, somebody walking past the office had heard us 'arguing' and thought that was not conducive to a good sales environment & morale. No mention about calling each other knob head or the other expletives that might have been used, just we were 'arguing' and its 'all one team' b
ks.We had to apologise to each other so HR could go back to our 'accuser' and explain the outcome. They would not tell us who reported us either.
Although I accept I am quite blunt sometimes and could offend, I did make it very clear to HR I didn't accept the recent accusation and asked them to make the accuser aware. They said it would be inflammatory, ie. HR are seen to be chastising the nasty person.
Just thought I'd update this as there was some very good advice given and the past 12 or so months have been very interesting.
Since my last post where a particular team member left things have changed slowly and with their new (very competent) replacement in place for several months I am now seen as a "lovely man" by some, especially new staff. My manner with people hasn't really changed that much but I feel a lot more relaxed at work and people definitely aren't worried about approaching me any more, which is good!
I guess it points to the cause of the issue. Work place stress caused by having to carry incompetent staff who despite performance reviews and constant training for 2+ years were still in post because "once you're in you're in".
Thanks all.
Since my last post where a particular team member left things have changed slowly and with their new (very competent) replacement in place for several months I am now seen as a "lovely man" by some, especially new staff. My manner with people hasn't really changed that much but I feel a lot more relaxed at work and people definitely aren't worried about approaching me any more, which is good!
I guess it points to the cause of the issue. Work place stress caused by having to carry incompetent staff who despite performance reviews and constant training for 2+ years were still in post because "once you're in you're in".
Thanks all.
Gassing Station | Jobs & Employment Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff