How to be an un-chef

[Simpo Two]

With all the culinary expertise around here I just wanted to present the alternative side - a complete cooking klutz, a man that is to cooking what Gok Wan is to world heavyweight boxing.

The task is to cook rice. How hard can that be?

Here's the un-chef way of doing it.

Open the freezer and take out a frozen Chinese ready meal.

Take a saucepan, add about 1.5" of cold water and place on the hob.

Locate the jar of rice and lightly sprinkle one portion of rice grains into the water.

Consult the instructions on the frozen Chinese ready meal and realise that it already contains a portion of rice.

Say 'Arse' out loud.

Return to the saucepan of rice in cold water. Strain rice through sieve, shake off as much water as possible and place sieve of damp rice in airing cupboard to dry out until needed again.

Wait for 24 hours and replace dried rice into rice jar.

Wait one week.

Open the freezer and discover there's nothing in it you fancy for supper.

Open the cupboard and remove one tin of Stag Silverado Beef (5% fat) Chilli Con Carne. No idea what 'Carne' means but carry on anyway.

Take a saucepan, add about 1.5" of cold water and place on the hob.

Locate the jar of rice and lightly sprinkle one portion of (salvaged) rice grains into the water.

Set hob to '9' and go to watch 'How do they do it' on Channel 5.

Return to kitchen when the sound of boiling water spraying everywhere becomes louder than the TV.

Say 'Arse' out loud.

Wipe up mess and return to saucepan to hob, but at less than '9'. Set hob timer to 10 minutes.

This is a sure-fire way to ensure that your rice will turn out to be a puddingy mush that is impossible to drain. Remarkable.



Is there anything easier to cook please?

[Simpo Two]

Well, I confess I put it there. Is one supposed to keep rice in the plastic packet that never opens properly and spills rice everywhere?

[Simpo Two]

Cotty said:

Idiot proof, If I can use one then anyone can.

Ooh, now that seems like an idea! The biggest problem with rice is that it boils over so fast - something to do with the starch I guess. Ta!

(although it seems to crack a lot)

Edited by Simpo Two on Monday 22 February 21:53

[Simpo Two]

Cotty said:

Get the water boiling before adding the rice.

But then the jar steams up

Maybe I'll do Chilli Con Meat with Spuds next time!

I'm a great an un-chef; do you think I could get my own TV series?

[Simpo Two]

escargot said:

Ahhh crap, just realised this is a windup

Sadly, all true - final chapter completed this evening!

Whilst it's good to excel at some things, it's also healthy to be a complete spastic at others. I really see no point in labouring for hours to make something that will be eaten. It's not like a classic painting - after all you wouldn't eat 'The Last Supper' would you?

(Mind you if you came to Simpo Hall it might well be your last!)

[Simpo Two]

I recommend the cheese and biscuits... Stilton on Jacob's Cream Crackers.




Mind you the boiling does spoil the appearance somewhat

[Simpo Two]

ThatPhilBrettGuy said:

Ah, the induction numbers of mystery.

I know that '1' is slightly less than the rate of global warming (which is nothing or not a lot depending on your view). 'Boost' is induce nuclear fusion in the pan if you look away at all.

There are useful numbers in between I've been told.

That's how women use central heating thermostats! '10' is off, 30 is 'on'

My hob's top setting after 9 is 'P' - but interestingly it won't let you set it to begin with, only after a short time.

Other than 1-P there's a 'Warm' setting but it doesn't do much. 'Simmer' would be better.

The good news is that induction hobs don't contribute to global warming because air doesn't have iron in it I don't think you can fuse iron by nuclear reaction because iron is coincidentally as far as fusion goes. But you could split it into lighter elements.

Hang on, if you can energy out of fusion AND fission then we have perpetural motion

[Simpo Two]

Wow - a microwave freezer - I guess you start with an ordinary microwave and reverse the polarity!

[Simpo Two]

She freezes the rice then heats it again? Now that's what I call devotion.

[Simpo Two]

It breaks down the cell walls and so makes for a nice rice eating experience.

Or you can take my tip and leave it on 'nuke' until it explodes all over the kitchen...

Now if the Germans had a sense of hunour they coud make the power settings re-nameable, with 9 being 'Zerstorer' or possibly 'Blitz'..

[Simpo Two]

Yep, comes out of the ground frozen. It's a big export for Iceland...

[Simpo Two]

Mark Benson said:

Ah, but the joy of Delia's method is that he can still go and watch 'How Do They Do It' safe in the knowledge he isn't returning to a soggy mess....

Good idea! But I don't think '1' would be enough to do anything. 2.5 simmers rice once it's going but it's the careful wind-down from 9 to 2.5 that's like landing Apollo XI on the moon.

Surprised nobody makes an alarm that clips on the side of the pan and squawks when the rising foam/bubbles get to it. Brett, you're a clever bloke - get weaving!

[Simpo Two]

I fall down on this '1.5 times' lark. I have no measuring device.

I made poridge (fking hell how do you spell 'porrage'?) with a sherry glass once, but I broke the sherry glass when the stopper fell out of the decanter and landed on it. Ergo I can no longer make poriage (fking hell how do you spell 'porradge'?) or cook rice. But the red wine and Stilton mean that it doesn't really matter. In fact nothing really matters... 'nothing really matters... and sing...