Cheating wife - what to do?
Discussion
So, my wife has been cheating. found out last night. Things have been rocky for a while - long shifts, short fuses, etc. Three weeks ago i come in to find her cosying up to a bloke on my sofa - one of my colleagues. She tells me nothing going on, we argue. She tells me its over. We talk and have some time apart. She comes back, I go get councelling to get help, she goes off to meet this bloke, f
ks him, comes home to me. i find out through Facebook messages she left on her profile. I confront her, she initially admits kissing, nothing more, then eventually admits screwing him. Tells me its just the once.
Now part of me wants to throw her out, bag her stuff and dump it at her parents, the lot. As for him - I want to smash his face in, and if i saw him, probably will.
The other part of me wants to move on - recognise we have both made mistakes, accept her version of events, and deal with it. See Relate or whatever, work things out and build back the trust she has completely destroyed. I have so much in this marriage - house, child, the lot. I know I havent been perfect, and have been an arse to live with, so accept some responibility in driving her away.
Now i know this is PH, but I'm not interested in the 'burn her belongings, sling the slag out' opinions, what i need to know is has anyone ever been in this position, moved on and it worked? Has anyone been caught playing away and been forgiven? How was it? Did it work?
ks him, comes home to me. i find out through Facebook messages she left on her profile. I confront her, she initially admits kissing, nothing more, then eventually admits screwing him. Tells me its just the once.Now part of me wants to throw her out, bag her stuff and dump it at her parents, the lot. As for him - I want to smash his face in, and if i saw him, probably will.
The other part of me wants to move on - recognise we have both made mistakes, accept her version of events, and deal with it. See Relate or whatever, work things out and build back the trust she has completely destroyed. I have so much in this marriage - house, child, the lot. I know I havent been perfect, and have been an arse to live with, so accept some responibility in driving her away.
Now i know this is PH, but I'm not interested in the 'burn her belongings, sling the slag out' opinions, what i need to know is has anyone ever been in this position, moved on and it worked? Has anyone been caught playing away and been forgiven? How was it? Did it work?
Basically i walked in mid-shift at work - she'd had him and a few mates over. There was just him left when i got there - i know this from reviewing our CCTV. She looked nervous as hell. Told me nothing going on. Eventually admitted she had been kissing. We had a few days apart to think things over as we were arguing and she wanted space. She came back, said to work things out, I booked a councellor. While I went to see said councellor, she went to meet him and shagged him. I caught her out from Facebook messages, as she had been secretive with her phone. She confessed the lot.
As much as I hate her right now, I love her to pieces. She is my world. I have been a crap husband in recent years, and have said some horrible things, which have hurt her. I know i have done wrong, and accepted it, and tried to put it right. In a way, I think i have driven her away.
I dont care about the money, cars, house, any of it. I just want to know if anyone has caught their partner out cheating / been caught out, and worked it out?
As much as I hate her right now, I love her to pieces. She is my world. I have been a crap husband in recent years, and have said some horrible things, which have hurt her. I know i have done wrong, and accepted it, and tried to put it right. In a way, I think i have driven her away.
I dont care about the money, cars, house, any of it. I just want to know if anyone has caught their partner out cheating / been caught out, and worked it out?
Ok, so i have avoided the thread. i have even asked for it to be closed, if I am honest. I have received several emails which have some great advice, so to those of you who have emailed - thankyou.
I have been a st husband for a long time - taking for granted, never complementing, no affection, caring about work over my wife. These are things i knew were wrong, but had ignored and thrown myself further into work. As a result, things between us had become distant - plently of arguing, then making up, but more bad times than good. This was realised before the affair.
She has admitted to me sleeping with him once. Part of me wants to throw her out, but a larger part of me understands why she strayed. I will never understand why she had to have sex with him, as we have a great sex life, but I feel it was the affection and intimacy she wanted, more than the physical act.
At the moment, we are together. We are both seeing / speaking to counsellors, and are trying to sort Relate or similar out. I love this woman more than anything else (child excepted), and would give up everything for her. She had admitted mistakes, and we both know we have things to work out. At the moment, we are focussing on spending time together. I am trying to put everything out of my mind, and focus on 'us'. It's difficult, but already I know the pain will go away. I can forgive her for cheating, but will never forget it. I have no intention of dragging it up to throw at her, although she may deserve it. I guess i might be stupid, but I don't want to lose her and everything we have made.
I have been a s
t husband for a long time - taking for granted, never complementing, no affection, caring about work over my wife. These are things i knew were wrong, but had ignored and thrown myself further into work. As a result, things between us had become distant - plently of arguing, then making up, but more bad times than good. This was realised before the affair. She has admitted to me sleeping with him once. Part of me wants to throw her out, but a larger part of me understands why she strayed. I will never understand why she had to have sex with him, as we have a great sex life, but I feel it was the affection and intimacy she wanted, more than the physical act.
At the moment, we are together. We are both seeing / speaking to counsellors, and are trying to sort Relate or similar out. I love this woman more than anything else (child excepted), and would give up everything for her. She had admitted mistakes, and we both know we have things to work out. At the moment, we are focussing on spending time together. I am trying to put everything out of my mind, and focus on 'us'. It's difficult, but already I know the pain will go away. I can forgive her for cheating, but will never forget it. I have no intention of dragging it up to throw at her, although she may deserve it. I guess i might be stupid, but I don't want to lose her and everything we have made.
sleep envy said:
what about your work colleague - how's that been left?
I have a great set of bosses. My line manager has spoken to the bis boss. The other bloke will, hopefully, be leaving to work in another building. Away from me. I can't promise I won't hit him, and I will lose everything if I do. Hopefully he will be gone before I return next week. I owe a couple of colleagues alot - they have stuck by me and listened when I needed to talk, for which I cannot ever be grateful enough.I know if i hit him, I wouldnt stop at once. I would, no question, end up arrested and in court (due to my job role) if I did hit him, and it would cost me my job, my career, everything. As much as I want to hit him, it will only hurt my family, which is what I on't want to do.
Edited by broken biscuit on Thursday 29th September 12:29
i have been avoiding PH and this thread in particular. Whilst I never expected PH to be full of helpful advice and understanding, I have to say there are a huge number of aholes appearing in this thread.
I have had to face up to the fact that my behaviour, and my lifestyle have neglected my wife and child, creating huge cracks in my relationship. I have been a st husband, and, if i am brutally honest with myself, a st father to my lad. I have had a massive reality check, and been able to see what I have done, and where it went wrong.
Agree with it or not, the affair is a product of my behaviour. I was so horrible and mean and nasty to my wife, and she found a person who she could talk to, who appreciated her for being her, not trying to change who she was as I did. She got close to this person, finding the affection and attraction I had neglected to give her.
Now, we are trying to work things out. I am doing everything I can to fix the last few years of negativity and destruction, because I love her and value my marriage above everything else. It will be hard, and I have to try and trust her again. This is the hardest part. It will come, and providing she stays and it works, we will be stronger than before. I understand though, that our marriage may have gone past the point of saving, hence the affair, and if that is the case, I have to face facts and try to move on. Whatever happens, I shall come out of this knowing who I can count on and trust as family/friends, and what I can make of my life.
holes appearing in this thread. I have had to face up to the fact that my behaviour, and my lifestyle have neglected my wife and child, creating huge cracks in my relationship. I have been a s
t husband, and, if i am brutally honest with myself, a st father to my lad. I have had a massive reality check, and been able to see what I have done, and where it went wrong. Agree with it or not, the affair is a product of my behaviour. I was so horrible and mean and nasty to my wife, and she found a person who she could talk to, who appreciated her for being her, not trying to change who she was as I did. She got close to this person, finding the affection and attraction I had neglected to give her.
Now, we are trying to work things out. I am doing everything I can to fix the last few years of negativity and destruction, because I love her and value my marriage above everything else. It will be hard, and I have to try and trust her again. This is the hardest part. It will come, and providing she stays and it works, we will be stronger than before. I understand though, that our marriage may have gone past the point of saving, hence the affair, and if that is the case, I have to face facts and try to move on. Whatever happens, I shall come out of this knowing who I can count on and trust as family/friends, and what I can make of my life.
RevYob said:
The wife should have made the OP aware of the issues and how she was feeling.
Jumping on some other guys d**k just seems unforgivable to me.
Sounds like she just thought she could getaway with it, and when caught, used how she was feeling as an excuse.
She tried - but looking back, I never wanted to talk. Ever. Just went day to day pretending all was great, burying my head in the sand. After so long of this (yrs more than months) she stopped trying to talk. I know this as i look back at our problems. I can forgive her, but wont forget it. I will need a long time to rebuild trust.Jumping on some other guys d**k just seems unforgivable to me.
Sounds like she just thought she could getaway with it, and when caught, used how she was feeling as an excuse.
She's told me she knew she wouldnt get away with it. Admits she would have told me directly, but thought if we split, it would come out eventually anyway. When it happened, our marriage was hanging in the balance. It was practically over based on my previous behaviour. She still doesnt know if it can work, but we are trying. I have been able to take a good look at myself over recent weeks, and can identify a lot of faults i need to fix.
when all you do is get up, work, come home, argue, pick at the pathetic things not done / done, sit down, play with the boy for half hour, collapse asleep on sofa, go bed, repeat but throw in late shifts and night shifts changing every couple of days, its bloody hard. when you barely speak to one another for days and dont tell each other what was going on in your head, you grow apart quickly. when you can argue and shout over the washing up, or mismatched socks, and cant see what the problem is with arguing, its hard.
Now, whilst she is sharing alot of the blame, and takes responsibility of the affair in its entirity, i am taking the majority of the blame for the whole situation over the last 3-4yrs, which has led to the breakdown of our marriage. In one way, i think she had the affair as a reason to go. she admits she would have told me, and expected me to boot her out. that would have been her justification to leave. When i told her i wanted to work it out, she didnt believe me. We are, hoever, working things through.
Whilst I appreciate every single response to this thread, I am aware of how much of a pathetic individual i may come across as. I don't care, I know what I want, I know how much i love her, and what i can / cannot forgive and move on from. I genuinely hope that i can resurrect this thread in a year or two, and be proud to say we worked through it, and are stronger than ever. Only time will tell.
Now, whilst she is sharing alot of the blame, and takes responsibility of the affair in its entirity, i am taking the majority of the blame for the whole situation over the last 3-4yrs, which has led to the breakdown of our marriage. In one way, i think she had the affair as a reason to go. she admits she would have told me, and expected me to boot her out. that would have been her justification to leave. When i told her i wanted to work it out, she didnt believe me. We are, hoever, working things through.
Whilst I appreciate every single response to this thread, I am aware of how much of a pathetic individual i may come across as. I don't care, I know what I want, I know how much i love her, and what i can / cannot forgive and move on from. I genuinely hope that i can resurrect this thread in a year or two, and be proud to say we worked through it, and are stronger than ever. Only time will tell.
Wish said:
Any update?
Did you manage to patch things up and move on ?
Wow - thread resurrection! Did you manage to patch things up and move on ?
To put a final and closing update on this one - we are still together, and have 3 beautiful children, all of which are 100% mine. It had its moments along the way, including me moving out and living with friends for 3 months. We have grown nothing but closer and life is fantastic (apart from the child-related sleep deprivation!). Sometimes (rarely) I look back and wonder what if I had walked away, then I look at what I have and how different it could have been, and know I made the right call.
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