Has anyone used a private detective?

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Long story short - I'm posting under an alias (apologies mods) as I have another login that I don't want to "ruin" here.

I suspect my wife is having an affair but I don't have any concrete evidence, or at least enough to confront her with (although quite a lot of "coincidental/circumstantial" stuff that makes me suspect).

We've been married for 15 years and have been drifting apart for a little while but we have two children that we both dote on. I can't imagine what life would be like for them without both of us in their lives, and I don't want to even consider life apart from them.

We've had a couple of counselling sessions recently which have been quite positive but I can't shake the feeling that she's hiding something. If I were to tell you the circumstances (and if I read someone else posting this) the situation is more or less textbook.

I'll go into it in more detail if necessary but at the moment I want to know if it's worth hiring someone to follow her for a while and get something definitive one way or the other. It's eating me up and I need to know.

Has anyone been down this route successfully and what was the outcome please?

Thanks.

Edited by A bit down on Friday 17th August 15:00

[A bit down]

Thanks for the replies. We've been through some tough times in the past and come through.

I'm not quite ready to give up yet and I'm not 100% sure. I want to be proved wrong so I can put my full energies into the counselling/repairing of the relationship.

Although I'm not very religious, I took my wedding vows very seriously and for me, marriage/children is a very serious commitment that I won't walk away from lightly.

Again, I appreciate the replies though - and point taken about arranging my "affairs".

[A bit down]

Thanks very much for all the kind an supportive words. As you can imagine, I'm extremely conflicted about what I want to do. Here's the story:

Got together in the mid 90's, had a lot of fun. Both had good careers and had a few years of being DINKYs. We got married in '97 and decided to try for a family a couple of years later. We conceived fairly quickly and our Daughter was born - difficult labour which my wife has said in counselling she feels guilty for, although I have no idea why. She did absolutely everything right during the pregnancy and our Daughter was 9lb when born - my wife is quite small so struggled to push her out and after more than 40 hours, had an emergency section.

We both stayed at work for a short time but my wife decided she wanted to stop working to look after our Daughter so she did. I have worked very hard, travelled a lot and built a successful career but my family has always come first.

Our son was born a few years later and that was pretty much the end of my wife and I being intimate in any way. She didn't want to be "approached", I gave her some space and it became the norm for more than seven years. It's amazing what you can put up with in hindsight but I never strayed or was tempted to, I always assumed that things would improve in that area but they never did. We sort of fell into a "family management team" but both focused on the kids and it was ticking along.

A year or so ago my wife was 40 and it hit her hard. She lost a lot of weight, really took an interest in her appearance and started to go and see her friends more often. I was really pleased for her and supported as far as possible (we don't live very close to family so if she wants to go out I usually need to look after the kids - which I love).

A couple of months ago she wandered into the room and said "I'm not happy". We talked for a very long time over a few days, she explained that she loves me but isn't in love with me any more, whatever that means. She just said we were too far gone to ever get things back and asked if I would consider a trial separation. I declined and asked if she would consider counselling, which she initially refused but eventually she agreed and we have been three times. I also asked her twice if there was anyone else involved as her declaration appeared to be very definitive and final, and she categorically denied it.

We have been trying to improve things but I have begun to notice things like the fact that her phone is never, ever away from her and she is on it all the time. She sleeps with it under her pillow and will be texting while we are the middle of a conversation. Another thing is that I have the honour of filling her car up with fuel (she can't be bothered), and her mileage has shot up over the last few months. She just puts this down to seeing friends more often, which may or may not be true.

Last week we had booked a family holiday and one of her friends invited her to go to Turkey during the same week we were due to be on holiday in Cornwall with the children. She went to Turkey as she needed "space", I took the kids to Cornwall and we had a good time.

The thing that made me post this thread was that I picked up the post today and opened a letter addressed to her (genuinely) by mistake. It's a parking fine from a motorway service station about 30 miles from where we live because she left her car there for four hours one evening a couple of weeks ago when the maximum stay is two hours. I was away with work that night and the children were staying over at their grandparents' house.....

I'm sure if I asked her about it she would just say she went to meet a friend and they went shopping in one car or something but given all of the above (plus her extremely curt manner towards me almost all of the time) you can hopefully see why I'm suspicious. We don't have any friends in common really - if I'm honest we don't have very much at all in common.

As to what I want - I don't know, but I do know that I do not want to be separated from my children. I would be prepared to put up with an awful lot to avoid that. I have a wonderful relationship with both of them and they dote on me - they much prefer me to their mother.

The PI thing is (I think) so that at least I know the truth and can decide on a course of action from there. I'm very much between a rock and a hard place but I feel I have been very accommodating and supportive of her, provided her with a very nice lifestyle and taken my share of responsibility raising the children. If it was just me and her I would be a lot more assertive about this but it isn't and I don't feel that I can afford to be.

In the end, I'm deeply hurt and very conflicted. I have genuinely done my best to be a good husband and father and I don't think I deserve to continue living in suspicion. I meant what I said about my wedding vows and apologies, I didn't mean to make it about religion - it's just that a lot of people seem to think marriage and parenthood is a "try it and wander off if you don't like it" thing. I very much do not.

There's more of course but that gives you the idea. Even as I read this back it looks glaringly obvious but I need to be sure before I do anything else. I haven't even told her about the parking ticket yet.

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Zwolf said:

What would such "evidence" actually prove?

• That your wife isn't in love with you? She's already said so, surely that's sufficient in and of itself.
• That you don't trust her any more? That's also already self-evident.

Is the counselling something she's going along with just for the sake of it to appease you and not something she actually wants to work?

It's all well and good holding your attitude to marriage, family values and working at the difficult times that many long-term relationships go through, but if she's already mentally and emotionally out of the door and doesn't share them, you don't need to waste time and money getting someone else to *prove* it.

Just ask her. Either she'll admit it and you can either work at things or agree to part ways, but keep things amicable for your children's sakes whilst you do so. Alternatively, she'll deny it and either be lying or telling the truth. After over 15 years, you should really be able to tell which, no matter the words she actually says. In your heart and if you're honest with yourself.

Even if she hasn't been having an affair - does it actually matter? Her heart isn't in it after all and that's generally always going to be the death knell, however much you wish it wasn't so. *Proving* her infidelity in the way you suggest will only result in an acrimonious split and that's much less good for your children (emotionally and financially) than an amicable mutually agreed separation.

This is the sort of advice I would give someone else in my situation, thank you.

I have asked her and she has denied it. I really don't know if I believe her (and I mean I don't know, as opposed to "i don't"). I know that I do want to believe her. I suspect she is going along with the counselling so that she can say she tried afterwards, although she doesn't open up very much in the sessions and is suspicious of the whole process. She's not speaking to her parents at the moment as they more or less accused her of having an affair.

For me it's really about the children. They are thriving and growing into excellent little people - I want this to continue and I know they will be crushed if we split. I know I was when my parents split (when I wasn't much older).

The "evidence" will prove to me once and for all that I cannot trust her. She has said some quite direct things and been honest about her feelings during this process but if she has categorically denied having an affair to my face and turns out to be having one, that removal of trust will probably be enough for me to go about ending the marriage. It would be very difficult to continue raising the children together if I don't trust her. I would still want to bide my time and do it on my terms as far as possible though.

With that said, if I can't trust her, I can't trust her not to make bad decisions and bring bad influences into the children's lives if I'm not around - she's extremely emotional at the best of times.....as I said, I'm conflicted.

Edited by A bit down on Thursday 16th August 21:25

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Mobile Chicane said:

I'd say the service station 'parking ticket' were evidence enough.

Such places often have hotels attached, right?

Sorry to hear this, btw.

Thanks for the kind words. I have just looked and indeed there is a cheap and cheerful hotel at the services.

Edit - the children are 11 and 8. They have been quite sheltered in their upbringing and are not really emotionally mature enough to process or input to this.

I'm quite touched by the support here, thank you all. I fully expected the first reply to ask for pictures of my wife.

Edited by A bit down on Thursday 16th August 21:59

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Zwolf said:

Who really spends more than two hours at a service station (other than people who work there) though?

Also, the holiday to Turkey with her friend - how many pics of her and this friend have appeared on her (or her friend's) Facebook profile? I'll wager very few and if any are on there, there either won't be any people in them or they'll all be of just her...

Sorry to dissect your post/life OP, I'm sure you've already been down this mental avenue already.

I'm sure she would say she met a friend at the services and left her car there for convenience while they went for food/shopping.

I'm not on facebook (although my wife is) so wouldn't know. I certainly haven't been shown any pictures of the trip.

The friend in question is an utter moron. I can't for the life of me understand why my wife associates with her.

No problem re the dissection, I did post on here after all and I appreciate both the sound perspectives and the catharsis.

[A bit down]

I have just realised that my wife goes to meet the same "friend" at the same time each week and I have the kids to myself during that period. Now that I know where the services is, it's got to be worth dropping the kids at my mum's and paying the services a visit at that time next week.....

Anyway, I'm pretty emotional and it's been a very long day so I'm going to bed. I really appreciate all the responses, please keep perspectives/ideas coming and I'll have another look tomorrow.

[A bit down]

Thanks again for all the replies, some very insightful commentary.

After a fairly restless night, my mind is racing. To answer a few questions:

- she does have an iPhone but there is no way I will get near it
- she definitely did go to Turkey, we dropped her off and picked her up at the airport (including the arrivals gate). I don't know for sure with whom, though
- BVD, it's interesting you mention a breakdown. This is what I thought was happening a first as she had little energy, was very moody, would often spend entire days in bed, lost her appetite, etc. Several of her friends suggested she may be suffering from depression (they all seem to be on happy pills) but she categorically ruled it out and refused to see the GP, even after the counsellor suggested it for her.
- I have considered the possibility of an affair with her female friend. It's not as though I can confirm that she is still interested in men, but...
- one thing I remembered last night is that she went back on the pill a couple of months ago "to help control her moods". She had never been a fan of the pill before and put up with it as she thought it was the best option, but she had been very moody for a while and it seemed plausible at the time. She had been off it for several years.
- she actually asked me to buy her some Canesten a couple of weeks ago (which I did) as she said she was suffering with thrush. I have no idea whether that's true or relevant but I thought I'd mention it here in case it's pertinent.
- I haven't spoken to her parents about this although I have a very good relationship with them. She is insistent that I shouldn't, as "they are my parents and I don't want you talking to them about this" and "it's none of their business anyway". I have respected this so far but I know they are dying to talk to me.

Thanks very much to everyone for the offers of lifts, cars etc. I'm in the north west but I'm happy to take my own car to the services if I go with that option.

The more I read on this thread, the more I feel like a fool but something in me still hopes for the best. To reiterate, finding out about any affair isn't really an ego/pride thing - if I had any of that I wouldn't have put up with things as they are for so long. It's all around trust - if she would openly lie to me about something like this which has such an impact then I think that would be the end for me.

I had another thought overnight - after some research it seems these parking fines aren't enforceable but that the issuer is likely to ramp up the letters and threats. My wife usually just hands me anything that looks like a problem or needs paying to deal with - it will be interesting to see whether she lets me know about this.

Regarding putting her on a pedestal - perhaps this is the case, I'm not sure. There is no doubt that she (and the children) have a very easy, pampered life. I took a decision fairly early on that being a provider doesn't just mean bringing in money, it means providing the best environment possible for your family (to me at least) and so I handle problems, manage risk and generally do all of the tricky stuff on behalf of the family. I want the children to be as safe, secure and loved as possible for as long as possible and my wife has certainly benefited from that.

Generally speaking I'm a fairly resilient character. I have a close group of friends that I've known for many years that I can rely on and I know that I am a decent person who tries very hard to do the right thing. Although this is a horrible situation to be in, many people face a lot worse every day. I will not let this effect my self-worth and whatever happens I will come out of it ok, knowing that I did my best, made the decisions I thought were right, and that I put my children first. I do take some comfort in that.

Anyway, enough rambling. I need to go to work - something to take my mind of things for a few hours will really help.

Thanks again for the support.

Edited by A bit down on Friday 17th August 06:29

Edited by A bit down on Friday 17th August 06:31

Edited by A bit down on Friday 17th August 06:33

[A bit down]

Hello all.

Thank you so much for the responses overnight and this morning. It probably says a lot about my state of mind that I have felt more support and kindness from this thread than I have had in my life (children excepted) for a very long time. It's quite humbling and very much appreciated.

I'm very conscious that mine is just one side of the position and that PH is male-dominated so I'm more likely to find male perspective and experience here, but in this instance that is relevant and pertinent.

To try and answer a couple of questions that have been raised:

- There is absolutely no chance of us playing favourites with the children or putting them in the middle of difficult conversations. We both want the best for them and whatever happens we'll make it as easy as possible for them. My comment about them preferring me was just an observation and there is some truth in the "mum is the disciplinarian/dad is the fun guy" angle, although over the last year she has changed her behaviour significantly in this area and now leaves most of it to me. However, there is no doubt that they prefer my company and both want to be with me when we are both around. I'm balanced, consistent and fair with them (as well as spoling them a little) and they know where the boundaries are with me. My wife is much more inconsistent and has become moreso lately. My Daughter in particular seems to be able to do no right at the moment and it's fairly upsetting for her to come to me and ask if I can help her to stop annoying mummy all the time.

- My wife's priorities are all over the place at the moment. I have been away with work for a couple of days this week and she prioritised getting her hair cut (which took five hours and cost £130) over a dental appointment for the children. The dentist called me and asked why the no-show and if there was a problem as they have missed the last three.

- My wife used to be very houseproud and she was involved in the "interior magazines" world for a while. These days I come home to mess everywhere, sinks full of dishes, etc. I don't subscribe to traditional gender roles and I do a lot of housework myself but this is supposed to be her responsibility and she's not meeting it at the moment. I usually just clean up myself.

- After having thrown herself into creating our home for several years my wife now wants to put our house up for sale/rent as she "can't stand living here any more". It's a farmhouse with some land and it's pretty much to her design. The children go to the village school just up the road and love it. In my view, it's not exactly the sort of place that anyone couldn't stand living in. I have resisted this so far as I think children only have three "rocks" in their world - their parents, their home and their school. I really don't think it would be a good idea to change all three at once. My wife doesn't get this at all.

- Finally, and I've avoided bring this up until now - my wife has some previous form here. When we first met I was single and she was in a relationship. Nothing happened while she was with him (she lived in his house) but she came on to me very strongly in an inappropriate manner several times and it was quite clear that it was me resisting a relationship, not her. She would have been happy to start seeing me behind his back. Admittedly this was 18 years ago but with hindsight I suspect her perspective in area this may not have changed much.

Thus far I have tried very hard not to post about her in a negative tone and the points above are intended to show a change in behaviour over the recent past (the last point notwithstanding), rather than to criticise. She is the mother of my children and I did love her very much. As noted, perhaps this went away a long time ago and I haven't noticed. I am also culpable here and it's not all her fault. There have been many times when I have been too exhausted from work to do things with her or really listen to what she was saying (I work up to 80 hours a week in a pressurised environment) and I really should have made time to communicate and listen better. Hindsight is wonderful.

To summarise, if it was just me and her I would probably acquiesce to the separation and count myself lucky. It's not, though, and I still cannot even begin to imagine life not living with my children. This is the crux of the matter - I could live without my wife, but not without my children.

Anyway, I'm in danger of lapsing into self-pity here and that's the last thing I want. Please keep all thoughts and comments coming, it's really helping.

P.S. My wife has just texted me to ask if the four of us can go away for the weekend to a cottage she has booked! This will be interesting with all of us on top of each other for a few days. It seems we are leaving at 6pm so I may be on and offline for the next few days.


Edited to add - we don't argue. I can count on the fingers of one hand proper arguments in our marriage (I just don't rise to it) and I suspect this is a big part of the problem. I raise this in case people think we're screaming at each other in front of the kids.

Edited by A bit down on Friday 17th August 13:38

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Pommygranite said:

The biggest hint isn't the thrush, the pill, the ticket, the hiding phone, the service station friend, the holiday alone

It's that she won't have sex with you.

I understand this. I would be prepared to continue with things as they are (honestly knowing that our marriage is over, being open about it but staying together for the children until they approach adulthood) but not if the trust is gone.

Of course I want love/sex/affection and all that goes with it but I want my children to be happy more. In my mind, their needs are far more important than mine. I hear what people are saying about amicable splits and that children get over it, but I am the only stable influence in the children's lives at the moment and although selfishly I don't want to be apart from them, I'm also worried about what their environment will be like if I'm not around.

[A bit down]

Yes, she is a Mother and housewife. I'm sure boredom is a big factor, although she has a local network of friends. I'd be happy to talk about this but we seem to really struggle to speak to each other about important things.

I have learned one or two things about her past that I didn't know before which may affect her behaviour. Nothing serious and nothing I want to go into here but it helps to build a picture.

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Tyrewrecker said:

If nothing else, get into her pants. Take out some anger!

Speaking of pants, she has recently bought a whole load of new underwear (under the auspices of having lost weight). For every suspicion, there is always a plausible explanation.

[A bit down]

No idea re the pants, I just know she went shopping for them and came back with several large bags full.

I hadn't even thought about the house while we're away. I can't imagine that really happens does it?

To Peanuthead - maybe, but I haven't really changed my behaviour over the last year. It's been like this for the last five years at least.

Ozone - we do talk, a lot. She says she's fed up with talking about it because she will only say the same things - "I'm unsettled", "I'm confused", "I need space", "I don't know what I want but I don't need you", etc. More than anything, this is what is troubling me the most. We seem to have gone from a tacit acceptance that things weren't great between us but we were doing a good job with the kids to the whole thing being so far gone that it's not even worth the effort of trying to salvage something. I can't help thinking there is a catalyst somewhere and all the stuff above may bear that out. If I had known things were getting anywhere near this bad in her mind I would have tried to broach the subject earlier.

Thanks again for all the replies.

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Actus Reus said:

It certainly doesn't happen with the house, and it would massively weaken her case in case of divorce if she pulled a stunt like that. A few of the pieces of advice on here seem a bit OTT to me.

Similarly watch out for advice on hiding cash - again, if you're caught, you'll get shafted. That said by all means think about spending some of your savings on stuff she wouldn't want. Like a new trackday car.

Actus, if it comes to it I may ask you for some generic advice about courses of action if that's OK? I realise it's your profession so I'm not asking for freebies, just general advice on the forum about the dos and don'ts of separation.

I already have a couple of cars (one of them very much a "toy") - is it likely I would have to sell them?

Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself, I'll just see how the weekend goes (we are there until Monday night). I'm really looking forward to doing fun stuff with the kids

[A bit down]

Fittster said:

Your staying together for the children.

Do you think they are unaware of the state of your relationship?

I'm sure they know it's a bit out of the ordinary but I'm also sure they would prefer that to us being apart.

[A bit down]

Catz said:

What about doing stuff with your wife?

I notice you talk a lot about your relationship with your kids and how great it is. This is good but do you ever think your wife just feels like their mother and your housekeeper rather than your partner?

I do think about this a lot and I think there is some truth to it. That is how I would feel if roles were reversed. I do always involve her and try to get her to do things but she won't go in a pool (the kids love swimming), she won't go for walks and she won't play games with the kids. All the things they want to do, she doesn't - she's not a very "playful" person. It can feel as though she's glad I'm distracting them so she can really concentrate on her phone. When we are at home at the weekend she will happily stay in bed all day on her phone while the kids and I get on with doing things. It's as though she just wants to opt out. I suspect it's because she would resent having to spend time with me.

It's both her birthday and our wedding anniversary over the next few days which should make things interesting. The way the mind works is such a funny thing - I feel so raw over this stuff that I couldn't write "love" in her birthday card.

Edited by A bit down on Friday 17th August 15:35

[A bit down]

tjob said:

No way of checking who's paid for the cottage? Joint bank account and check online, or find out where it is, and give them a call to enquire?

That is the sort of thing i'd be looking at doing, its the little details like that which will give big answers

I'm paying and I know where it is, we've been there before.

[A bit down]

I really must learn to multi-quote.

- Whether I'm happy.....a really good question. Depends on the definition I suppose. I think I have forgotten what "happy" feels like in relationship terms. I do know that when I dwell on it, the concept that the person I committed to spending my life with would rather I was not around and does not love or care for me makes me very sad. Part of my problem is that although I know a lot of other people go through similar circumstances, I just can't picture any outcome that would make me "happy". Perhaps it's out there but it's beyond the boundaries of my imagination at the moment.

- Regarding depression - I'm fairly confident this is in there somewhere. I'm sensitive to the signs as my father had a breakdown when I was a child and sat in a corner all day mumbling to himself for more than four years. He eventually had to have ECT which improved him but he's never been the same and he and my mum separated shortly afterwards. Anecdotally, and perhaps to highlight my lack of "happy", I had to have my father sectioned in the last year and authorised further ECT treatment as he was trying to starve himself to death. My wife refused to come to the hospital with me and never once asked how he (or I) was. That left a mark on me.
When it comes to her, depression has been suggested by her friends, family, myself and the counsellor and she just will not even entertain going to her GP about it. I don't really know what to do with that.

- On the subject of me spending time with my wife, sorry I misunderstood the question. Since our Daughter was born we have done very little together as a couple. During that 10/11 year period I would say we have been out together less than 20 times and most of those were to the cinema so no talking (although a love of films is something we have in common). If there is one thing I really, really regret it is this. She has learned to exist without me and although focusing solely on the children seemed like a very noble thing to do at the time, I fear it's really going to cost us in the long run.

There has been some brilliant advice on this thread - I will try to take it all on board and be the best I can be this weekend. I will have to go now as I have done no work this afternoon and will have to leave shortly to pack some things.

Thanks again for the support, I will keep you informed.

[A bit down]

Harry H said:

She's depressed, she's bored. Stuck at home all day in a farmhouse miles from anywhere.

You get out, meet people, achieve things. Where's her challenge ????

She's so bored she'll even say things too you to try and get a reaction but you yourself have admitted you're a pretty stable chap.

Chances are she's met an old flame on Facebook and it's oh so great to have a little excitement back in her life. She knows it wouldn't last hence she hasn't left or admitted anything but it's still exciting. Gives her something to look forward to in life. A reason to get out of bed, make her self respectable and buy some new knickers.

In her mind you are partly to blame (not in mine). You're the one that's slowly engineered her into this dull life. Yep you think you've done the manly thing in being a provider but in reality it's all gone a bit "Stepford". She also feels guilty. You've provided her with everything a woman could ask for. You're a great father, a great provider, she has a lovely home, lovely children. Yet she's bored, and feels guilty, why is she not deliriously happy ? She has the perfect lifestyle, something we're all supposed to want.

The affair (if it exists ) is just a symtom of how deeply unhappy she is. Partly due to depression, partly due to boredom and with proberly a little bit of guilt as to why she is so ungrateful.

If you were so deeply unhappy with your life you'd change it. She's not as strong as you. She needs your help. She's also scared as she's got everything a girl could want yet she's still not happy. Hence the hole just gets deeper and deeper. For christ sakes she aware that even her children prefer to spend time with you than her.


All the clues are there. They're smacking you right in the face. But you're a bloke and you just don't see them. You're just seeing this ungrateful cow that's looking like an unfaithful tart as well.

One last time.... She's depressed and bored. Bored out of her tiny mind. You won't get depressed, you've got to many responsibilites to allow that to happen. And all that's happened is that as she's dropped her responsibilities you've pick em up. She's realising she's added less and less value, feeling more and more worthless. The boredom and depression get's deeper and deeper.


She needs a job, something to call her own, with her own challenges and responsibilities. A reason to get out of bed in the morning. Some women are happy to play housewife some women just aren't cut out for it. Especially the intelligent passionate ones (why you married her in the first place, right).


You sound like a bright bloke. Don't get side tracked by what may or may not be an affair. Drill right down to the route cause of the problem and sort it. That's what we men do.

HTH

Edited by Harry H on Friday 17th August 16:20

Just spotted this on my way out - excellent post and very insightful, thank you.

What are your suggestions for remedy?

[A bit down]

Thanks for the continued input, it's giving me a lot of food for thought.

There's no data signal where we are staying (voice/sms is ok) so I'm posting this half way through a ride on my bike - I will post again in more detail tomorrow night.

I must admit I'm struggling to understand the "husbands are thick" comment. I probably am fairly thick generically but (up until now at least) I simply trusted my wife, as per the "better or worse, forsaking all others" stuff. It wouldn't have occurred to me to be on the lookout for signs of unfaithfulness. Very naive I suppose. Re the posts about "she's bored" - I'm trying to understand this and can certainly accept the boredom but I get bored on long train journeys and my first reaction isn't to try and have sex with someone in the toilets. Bad analogy, but hopefully you get my point.

The weekend is going ok. The iPhone is even more tightly in her grasp than normal and although I know there is no signal, she is spending a lot of time "typing posts into mumsnet" and giggling to herself. She's being even more snappy than usual with the kids and I'm doing a lot of peacekeeping and taking them out of her way.

I've had some time to think and my plan for the next few weeks is to check out the meetings I know the time of and see how that goes while spending as much time as I can with the kids during their holidays. If I find any evidence I will confront her matter of factly and do my best to make sure the split is as amicable as possible for the children. If no evidence I will sit down with her, present my suspicions and see why she says. We will take it from there.

Having reflected on the situation for a few days, I do think the children and I deserve better than this and things will not carry on as they have been.

Thanks for the continued input and sorry for any typos in this post - i'm sending it from my phone in the middle of a field.