Break-ups - can you remain friends after?

[bitchstewie]

Long story short, any practical tips on how the hell to deal with a break-up with someone who was and to a degree is still a very good friend you've known for years?

There's way too much to start to really go into but complete escape isn't really an option as we work at the same place, the issue is mainly that even being friends is incredibly strained at the moment.

I'm aware I sound about 10 years old and will be told as much, "Jesus Christ" etc. but let's assume that I'm human and MTFU only goes so far so whilst some people can simply say "Oh well" and shrug it off, others dwell - sadly I'm one of the latter.

There is no sister to bang, and wking myself into a coma isn't 100% consistent

I'll await the inevitable flack but can't be arsed with posting under a false name etc.

[bitchstewie]

Ikemi said:

How long have you known each other? How long were you in a relationship together? Why did you break up and was it amicable?

About 8 years and around a year - which to some is no time but how hard it hits is how hard it hits.

Reasons are mainly that she is/was in a very difficult place emotionally due to a birth, parents death, and marriage breakdown (not because of me) all taking place within a year leaving her pretty much alone and stressed to fk.

With hindsight you could say I was the shoulder to cry on and perhaps things moved a little too quick.

[bitchstewie]

stewies_minion said:

Don't start any conversations by texts / emails.

Those are where if I'm honest, I struggle.

Not in a needy "I want you back" way but simply because I miss my mate like fk, and of course like most blokes if I'm in that kind of a mood it's all too easy to send something.

Face to face we still get on - it's weird in that we laugh and it's genuine and we aren't at each others throats and never were - if it was some kind of destructive "arguing all the time" thing I'd be well rid but there's a lot of "background noise" that contributed to things and still does i.e childcare and her being way too dependent on her mother-in-law.

[bitchstewie]

Ikemi said:

You need to do something you take your mind off her; see friends, play Xbox, beat the 7 wk barrier, buy some Scalextric ...

I don't have many friends - again not something people like to admit to but I've always been the quiet sort.

Taking my mind off her, at times I'm absolutely fine, at other times it's easy to dwell - what should I do, what should I have done etc. which isn't healthy but isn't easy to stop.

The other Stewie is right ultimately and "just stop" is the answer - and if I were reading this thread I'd be saying the same thing, just isn't always as easy to take your own medicine

[bitchstewie]

stewies_minion said:

What's stopping the deleting of her phone number? If you can't physically text her then that's a decent part of the problem solved fella.

It's an option 100% agreed, just rather not do that right now and look more at how not to use it by getting my mind off it - at the moment if I'm honest I'm working on the principle "Short term horrific, long term good" and even this thread is proving quite therapeutic despite the relative lack of detail.

[bitchstewie]

AWRacing said:

Have you tried talking to her (not in a 'I want you back' kind of way)?

I expect she is feeling just as awkward about the whole work thing as you are, speak to her and decide how you are going to manage it.

Has she said she wants to stay friends?

Tried yesterday, got told to stop keep apologising which was a fair thing to be told.

As for her saying she wants to stay friends, yes, I asked outright and she has said she still wants to.

I'll be the first to admit that some of this is down to my needing to get a sense of perspective i.e. not speaking to someone for a few days is not the end of the world - I'm not going to pretend I'm perfect I have been a little smothering in the past, not in the sense of being possessive or controlling, simply that she's been through hell and with hindsight being concerned for my mate came across at times as a smothering boyfriend.

[bitchstewie]

Mobile Chicane said:

I think men take break-ups harder than women do, since women by and large have fairly well-developed support networks.

Men, on the other hand, may feel as though they've lost their one and only truly confiding friend.

Definitely a lot of truth in that speaking for myself - particularly the second point which is what is the biggest problem right now.

Time, I know..

[bitchstewie]

Ikemi said:

How would you feel if she starts seeing someone else? Could you blank it out and continue to be friends still?

I'll have to deal with that when it happens tbh - suspect not if I think about it.

[bitchstewie]

She was married and has a kid so in some ways I've "imagined that" quite a few times in the time I knew her - point taken though as after is always different

Part of me wants to make some sort of grand speech tbh, the other part just thinks don't burn any bridges and just shut the fk up and leave it and see how it pans out.

[bitchstewie]

The Beaver King said:

Grand speech? You know how you imagine it in your head and you think it sounds pretty cool/intense/sensible?

Well it doesn't....

You'll say it, look like a tt and then probably cry.


Best bit of advice I can possibly give; step back, cut contact and immerse yourself in something else until you stop thinking about her every 5 minutes.

At the minute, all you are doing is desperately trying to maintain that link between the both of you because you can't handle not being with her. You will just end up being a little lap dog that she can discard at will.

You need time and space to be able to appreciate the real situation without your dick or heart getting in the way.

Fair point and I imagine I would probably sound a bit like Simon off the Inbetweeners tbh

Very sound advice tbh and I think the step back part is very true as I really don't want my head fked any more than it already is.

[bitchstewie]

The Beaver King said:

Indeed, leave the massive 'romantic ultimatum' speeches to the films, as that is the only place they work.

Well, come back in a few weeks and let me know how you are getting on; because I almost guarantee you will have cracked and spoken to her. Nothing against you personally, but I have seen it and even done it myself.

Depending on the kind of girl she is, she may well try and initiate contact with you. I suggest you ignore it, otherwise you'll just end up going in circles and never really getting over it.

Be strong you poof!

Actually less of the "romantic ultimatum" and more how fking angry I am at how little our "friendship" seems to mean right now, though I won't be doing that.

A "few weeks" will be a challenge, to be frank right now a few days seems like one and I probably will crack - just not built powerfully enough

[bitchstewie]

Well I did send something today I'll admit to that. I suppose it's a bit like banging your head against a brick wall - eventually it'll sink in that it hurts and can't do any good and I'll stop doing it.

I think there is someone else involved tbh - I can't begin to explain someone's character on here but I never for one moment had her down as being capable of being so fking cold quite frankly.

[bitchstewie]

Just deleted the text conversations and phone number.

FFS.

Time will tell I suppose.

[bitchstewie]

stewies_minion said:

Good lad.

Doesn't feel like it right now tbh, however there are only so many times you can get kicked in the balls.

I haven't burned any bridges as it's not my style, I've left things as amicable as possible even though I fluctuate between hating her and chasing after her like the fking idiot I know I am.

Working in the same building is going to be hard (for now) because it's both temptation and potential for awkwardness but again I'm hoping time will sort that.

[bitchstewie]

The Beaver King said:

It's quite common TBH, you'll get over it.

It's been said by me and quite a few others already, but you really need to minimise your contact with her. By minimise, I mean ignore/avoid/kill all contact will her for as long as possible.

If you keep talking/texting/seeing her, the way you feel now will only be prolonged; also you'll look like a complete tt to the casual observer.

The quicker you cut contact, the quicker you'll get over it.

Chin up, if you were local I'd take you to the pub and buy you a Babysham...

ETA - Well this is awkward, apparently you are local...

Want a Babysham?

Thanks for the offer but you're not my type

I've found that keeping myself busy, and trying to throw myself into my work, is helping a lot since as you and everyone here knows it's the quiet moments when these things play on your mind.

I should add that it's very difficult to read tone into how someone writes sometime, so I'm certainly not sitting here weeping I just find it useful to vent a little tbh.

[bitchstewie]

Driller said:

Fair enough for the post but I never understood this question. Surely to be in a relationship with someone you have to be friends (at least!) so if you've broken up you're not friends anymore.

Well like a dhead I thought that "(Friendship + Romance) - Romance = Friendship".

It would appear not.

Naive and stupid perhaps but you don't go into these things thinking "What happens if and when we break up, do I lose my friend of X years?" but there you go.

[bitchstewie]

Well a bit of an update/resurrection but 4 months later on and we are back on speaking terms.

There's a lot of stuff that I've done that I'm not proud of which I won't go into on here and which I can't spend my life apologising for, suffice to say I'm keen to show that I'm just about back to my old self but my god it isn't easy the way you can get caught up analysing and over-analysing everything.

I'm sure some people will say I'm a walkover and there may be some truth in that, but the bottom line is I don't want to look back in however many years and think I let someone I get on so well with get away for the sake of a few bad months and being too stubborn to try - I had to attend a friends funeral on Saturday and whilst it sounds a bit cliched it does make you realise how hung up we get on stuff that really just doesn't matter.