Affair - hating it but can't see to disconnect (help)

[Peskybear]

I am a regular user (hope this is ok mods? I will NOT use this login again for another other thread or topic).

A few years ago I started seeing a woman at a city company. It was fun. The illicit nature of the sex skewered my thinking (I'll comeback to this later).

Anyway- I was happy with my longterm partner but then started working for this company, alittled bored the flirting started and tbh it got out of hand and we became 'fk buddies'. An arrangement- the sex of course was amazing because of the nature. Of course it'd be more intense. It started skewering my thinking, making me think 'hey sex at home is ok but not as amazing as this'.

We got on well but outside of work we really didn't have anything in common. She doesn't like any sports, doesn't really have any interests, doesn't do anything active at all, just likes pub lunches and watching American TV. Anyway her partner left her and then the mental thoughts started. Should I leave my partner for her? The last few years have been utterly st, but I can't let her move on. The sex completely stopped months ago. Whenever we went out - it'd just be crap, food would be crap- its almost like every aspect is saying 'this is crap'. Yet for some reason I feel insanely jealous at the thought of her with someone else. I was a good person but now? I don't know- looking 'down'/into myself I just feel like a selfish possessive loser.

Tell me- talk to me. My best friend has already had a go at me.

Why can't I let it go? Anyone else been in the same situation?

Lesson- if you are the sensitive type NEVER enter an affair and/or fkbuddy set up.

[Peskybear]

She doesn't really eat- thats how she stays slim. Its one of the things I don't like. My boss calls it 'people who don't have much about them'.

[Peskybear]

Add this into the mix- a couple of years ago my daughter was born. Sex at home stopped of course and we were always tired. This woman gave me the escape I guess.

The crux is - its never been right with this woman but I can't let go. WHY? Why am I being possessive, its possessiveness right?

It'd never work- I thought to myself if I wasn't with my partner would I be with this woman? No, not longterm. She doesn't even drink water FFS- all she drinks are sugary drinks/fizzy pop. Everything about her annoys me. Yet when I'm in the same room as her I feel horny as hell.

HELP - slap me for fks sake. Anyone else been in this sort of position? I hate it.

Yes we still work with each other. A new job at the moment isn't possible.

[Peskybear]

Abuse me ffs. I need a slap. I actually like sleeping with my partner. I just can't understand why I'm treating(?) this woman as a possession? Why can't I break free?

Why the dark thoughts? The knife in the heart feeling even though I pushed and pushed (acted a nob etc) for her to break it off?

[Peskybear]

DrDoofenshmirtz said:

I bet the real issue is that you're feeling extremely guilty. If you aren't, then you probably aren't a very nice person.
Can you/do you want spend the rest of your life with the mother of your kid?
If the answer is yes, then the guilt will stay with you forever, eating you up inside until one day you can't stand it any more and you tell her. Her world will then collapse, and you will have ruined her entire life.
If the above doesn't bother you - then you're probably a bit of a heartless .

You're fked either way buddy. She'll either forgive you, but and never trust you again. Or she'll kick you out and you'll just be like any other modern broken family.

Good luck.

You are harsh but you are right. When I did the deed - fk, it was mental the guilt. Really heavy and immediate and full on. I'd swear never again over and over again on the way home. I hated myself for doing it and the whole mess. The guilt got so bad that when she wanted a weekend away (I could easily do this) I made up excuses why I couldn't even though it meant no nookie.

My other half doesn't deserve this st. I'm going to have to carry the weight of what I did all my life. I know my other half and I know it'd hurt very deep.

So the only thing I can do is be the best bloke imaginable to her for ever.

Either that or leave and that'd also make me a weekend Dad. So we all suffer.

You know before this I'd have said deep down I am a good person. After all this I don't think too highly of myself.

[Peskybear]

Hi. A longtime ago I created a login and forgot about it to post about something else incognito, I obviously didn't want to enter my real details so randomly typed something. No idea but I tried creating a login last week and it remembered an email address that I was going to use from previous so I did a password recovery. Bingo.

So. The outing? What would that achieve apart from maliciously playing judge and jury on someone that you've never met? Interesting, the internet isn't it?

Anyway- back on-topic. Alot of the replies have helped me. Overtime my head has been skewered, reality has become skewered into what I think is normal (it isn't) and my rationalising my behaviour as acceptable. Some of the posts have helped me, along with the part of my head that is still decent to remind me what is right and wrong.

I know its alittle too much info but everytime I had sex in the affair I'd immediately jump into the hottest shower and scrub myself allover. As soon as I had sex with this woman my thoughts of feelings for her evaporated. The stress of 'living' a lie was grinding me down, people at work noted I was much of myself recently and the old me - where was it? Everything, common sense- the lot pointed to the obvious choice. Walk/end it. Why couldn't I? Someone mentioned above about ego. I AGREE having two women and sex every day felt GREAT. But at a huge cost that outweighed ego. I've eaten myself alive over this. Why can't I let it go- why do I still feel a strong tinge of jealousy?

I know I have a high sexdrive. Could a middle ground be needed? Do I need to do something no strings on the side? I'm completely happy with my partner and I'm happy with the sex side but its never enough. Do I need to focus on this sex addiction?

The negative posts have helped me towards reality and manning up too. Theres still a shred of decency in me left.

[Peskybear]

Tubbytommy said:

OP been there and done it, it's not nice as everyone is saying, in fact read what they are saying think about how bad you would feel about leaving your wife and child then times that by 1000 and your starting to get close to how st your life will be. Honestly if I could change what I did I would in a heart beat, waking up not seeing my son everyday is horrible and I have to admit not seeing the woman I spent just under 10 years with pains me too. I don't think it is missing the routine I actually miss her. Don't leave your wife and kid for someone that you have nothing in common with it's really not worth it.

And on a serious note I don't think anyone has the right to mess the OP's life up let them decide if they want that to happen.

Oh man. Thank you for your honest post.

In a way you've reminded me again of a good friend who was going through a crisis at work/middle age? and started having affairs which led to him splitting from his wife and two daughters. He now lives in a sort of limbo of worlds and is stuck in a cycle now. A decent bloke and I know the difficult births close together and the bickering that followed threw him the wrong way.

[Peskybear]

Bang on - me exactly The Beaver King. Said better than I could and I'm in the same place.

tubbytommy- thank you.

Pev- thank you too for your message.


The maelstrom/mix of emotions is skewering my commonsense and thinking. Perspective and opinions like these voiced on this thread are helping me.

[Peskybear]

Skewering is now in room101.

Sorry for that- she'll bloody skewer me alright. So I'd rather not dwell on it.

[Peskybear]

Volition said:

accept the pain of the FB shagging another bloke is nowhere near the pain you have inflicted on your wife.

Agree, that is by far a bigger crime.


I don't know how all this started. I never went into this with intent or malice. I don't know how I ended up in this situation. Its worse than death by a thousand knives. I was talking to a good friend recently who mentioned he gives a work colleague lifts home sometimes and he mentioned shes quite cute. I stopped him dead in his thinking and confessed/explained everything. How I'm always rushing everywhere, snapping/losing my temper over stupid stuff, drinking too much, not seeing my daughter or partner anywhere near enough in the day. How it literally is putting me in a coffin.

would I tell my partner? No. I'd rather just walk out and live like a lonely idiot than unload hell onto her.

Not all 'cheaters' are cocksure, smarmy nasty people. Some are just bloody idiots.

[Peskybear]

beanbag said:

I'm sure he'll do it again. The fact that he hasn't really offered one ounce of remorse in this entire thread just means he feels a little guilty so he's going to go back with his wife life nothing happened and when things get boring again, he'll be off fking anything that walks or shows any interest in him.

It's vile.

Unless you've been on the receiving end as a victim of this, it's hard to understand quite how much damage it does to the person you are cheating in (if they find out....and they will....in time).

Cheaters get so wrapped up in their sorrow and "problems", they totally forget about the person they're really hurting.

Ultimately unless Peskybear shows any remorse and has the balls to just own up to his ways, he'll carry on and I hope he learns the hard way.

You are kidding? I've gone grey prematurely, I drink too much now and I eat really bad food and I tear myself up daily about this. I hate myself for getting into this situation and my weakness of ending it sooner and getting out. I'm full of regret, remorse and the most painful guilt. Guilt only happens if you feel like you have wronged someone. The fact that the guilt is crushing me and overpowering says (to me) that I really do cherish my partner and feel like utter st for what I've done.

If I didn't feel guilty then I obviously had no feelings for my partner.

Like I said. I'm not telling her anything. I'd rather leave and concentrate on being a good dad and pay above and beyond the minimum CSA payments as I'm in the wrong.

As I said earlier- this is putting me into an early coffin/grave.

On the above post. Me too. If my partner had an affair and I found out (this thinking becomes before I started cheating) I'd like to think I'd forgive my partner, understand why she did and what I could do differently.

[Peskybear]

boobles said:

Yeah of course you would forgive her!

I'd like to think I would. Whether I would actually who knows? As I said my head has been so mixed up- hence the post where I mentioned being highly sex/does this mean I should get it elsewhere still.

Deep down I'm a good person. Hence why this is tormenting me. My partner deserves alot better.

[Peskybear]

boobles said:

To be honest, I don't know you so I won't slate you too much (ok I did in a previous post)
But I truely believe that you will never be over this until you man up to it & tell your partner what has happened. You have a high "sex drive" & I fear that you will only look else where again because up until now you have got away with it. It will become like a drug & the more & more you do it & get away with it, the more you WILL do it. I can't see any other way around this than to be honest to the person you are ultimately hurting the most.

In the past 15yrs I've only slept with two women (my partner and this woman). I don't think I will anymore - I can see the hassle and pain its doing to me.

In addition, I don't know why I'm defending myself. If I was reading such a thread I'd be calling me/the poster a class A (as my bestmate did).

[Peskybear]

Studio117 said:

No one gives a st how you feel. If you take steps to end the affair and stop feeling sorry for yourself then you might get a more positive response.

Thank you. Agree.

[Peskybear]

shytallknight thank you for your PM. I read your email twice through.

[Peskybear]

Monkeylegend said:

You say all this but are still asking us if you should have a sex only relationship to deal with your so called sex addiction.

Its because when I think of this woman I still feel a urge(?) of lust. I'm misunderstanding and confused by the thought. Its thoroughly clouding my judgement. As I said even my bestmate has had a real go at me.

[Peskybear]

boobles said:

Pesky why are you avoiding answering questions?

It was you who came on here for advice but asoon as something is asked like "when was the last time you slept with the bit on the side" you seem to ignore it & move on....


I fear that this guy is a serial cheater who can not bring himself to stop....

The last time was 6months ago. I'm not a serial cheater. The last time I kissed/did anything with a different woman to my partner was 14yrs ago. A serial cheater would be out there nailing more than two woman in 14yrs.

A development:

The good news for me is this other woman has now registered online for dating. Thank god. I feel my obligation to her has ended. I'm finding out more about myself (and realising more in this muddle)- over all these years I've 'stayed' in this vicious loop with her partly due to the break up with her fella and felt almost obliged (in part) to keep this going. Now she has broken the loop with this I feel myside of any sort of commitment (what a word? Can it be used here?) is gone. I don't owe her anything, or even loyalty. I will keep decorum and professional. I think this is the best way on so many levels. I imagine now she is in a scrabble to get away from this mess/car crash as fast as possible. I just don't want to hear about any of her conquests I guess. I'd love it if the first guy she met idolised her and no tts applied but then, we are blokes aren't we? Some good, some users.

[Peskybear]

craig_m67 said:

Can you describe her eyebrows to us please.


.. and cue the mental wrath and vindictiveness of woman scorned on cartridge 2, followed by well bloody hell I didn't see that coming on cart 3, thanks

Not sure? I do know that shes probably used a 6yr old photo of herself as its the photo that she uses that for bloody everything!