Thinking of leaving the OH

[DoTheRightThing]

Regular PHer here, sorry for using a pseudonym but all very raw and personal.

I've read a number of threads over the years and marvelled at the way PH can be somewhere those of us that aren't great at talking can vent or share personal things and hopefully get some support. I hope to be treated more like Abitdown and less like that chap that got castigated for admitting to cheating on his wife a few weeks back.....

Anyway, I'm in a horrible situation. I have a 18month year old daughter whom I love dearly and is the centre of my world. I have a beautiful, caring, patient and sensitive fiancé who loves me unconditionally and I know will stand by me until the end of our times. I have a large joint mortgage and a life with this women that is interwoven and has been built together.

But I am no longer IN love with this women, I don't think I am anyway. I feel myself tense when she shows physical affection and have found myself even turning my cheek when she attempts to kiss me. I can take or leave sex with her. We have talked, and she has convinced herself it's just some sort of phase and wants to push on with more kids, marriage etc etc - I am not so sure this is wise. I feel incredible protective of her and wish to look after her but that spark of excitement and desire appears to be absent.

To complicate matters a women from my past has recently featured in my life more and the level of passion and emotion we share is hard to put into words. Intellectually she challenges me and stretches me and I think I find this incredibly refreshing and nourishing. She has signalled her desire to take things further, even moving to be with me and giving up a top salary in London to do so.

I feel sick. I feel like if I stay where I am currently I will always wonder what could have been and possibly grow to resent my fiancé. Or simply live a kind of half existence where I have outwardly nothing at all to complain about but inwardly am looking for something quite different.
I feel that if I leave I will be ruining my fiancés life, depriving my daughter of the secure and stable environment I enjoyed as a child, and removing the opportunity for her to enjoy siblings, family Christmas', family holidays.... it's just too much to bear and brings me to a juddering and tearful halt.

I can't draw on my usual support groups of family and friends as I just don't feel I'm getting impartial opinions - they have all universally warned me off developing my relationship with this other women and universally think the sun shines out of my OHs backside - which it does. She is an amazing mother, cooks, cleans, ensures I have ironed shirts come Monday and host of other clichéd home-making abilities that our society appears to hold dear.
My mother adores her, my brothers and their wife's adore her. She cares for the very sick and asks for little in return. So the mere mention of my unhappiness is met with consternation and disbelief. If I were to leave my fiancé I would be a pariah, my family would look on in disgust, her family who have been nothing but kind to me would be appalled. Society would no doubt judge me harshly and I would be racked with guilt. It would destroy her. I was brought up to value relationships. My mother and father stayed together until my fathers untimely death and I feel their influence strongly in this matter.

Perhaps it is simply my duty to put my daughter and fiancé first and cast this other woman (and life) aside. But something about that feels wrong. You only get one go at this life.

I am really unhappy right now.

I know this is the lounge and I'm asking for it by posting here but PLEASE spare me the popcorn memes etc. It feels like my life is on the brink of destruction.

Thanks for listening anyway.

[DoTheRightThing]

Thinking about her with a new man and him reading my little girl bed time stories makes my face feel hot. It is rage inducing but should I expect anything different?... I don't know if tapping into that emotion (possessiveness?) is useful or potentially damaging in swaying me the wrong direction.

OH has talked of counselling but I have so far dismissed the idea that counselling can bring back a spark or feeling of desire - if its gone its gone no?

[DoTheRightThing]

Soov535 said:

TIGA84 said:

You have an 18 month old.

Do not underestimate how hard this has been for both of you whether you realise it or not.

Talk to people that are paid to help you and don't be afraid to do so.

ETA - I didn't read the bit about the other woman.

Advice on that?

Imagine in 10/11/12 years time on a supervised weekend visit and explaining to her why you abandoned her and her mother when she was a baby - then watch her hate you for the rest of your life.

Should provide you with some clarity.

Edited by TIGA84 on Tuesday 30th September 12:57

Elegantly put.

As I said, have a f****g word with yourself.

I understand the point you are both making - in different ways!

I trust my current partner not to create distance between me and my daughter whatever the outcome. We are simply not the types to use her as a pawn. I would base myself as near as possible and still be bathing and doing the school run.

But can I really just go through the motions with a woman I increasingly find myself loving like a dear friend or relation....

[DoTheRightThing]

HRL said:

arfur sleep said:

so did the other woman arrive before or after you decided you weren't in love with your partner?

Yes, this! Think we can probably guess.

I was flattered last year by an ex-colleague that told me how she felt about me even though she knows I'm married with a family. Not a chance I'm afraid, wife and kids mean the world to me.

Sure, the sex would probably have been great but that's not all it's about any more, is it.

I think I've probably always been aware we weren't exactly cut from the same cloth. She's a country girl I'm a city boy. She's always said "I'm the one", I've always known she would make a great mother and life companion and thought that would be enough. As I've grown older though, I want to talk about different things; art, politics, philosophical bks.... Not really her forte.

So to answer your question directly I think I've never had the opportunity I've got now and had it not come about then yes I would probably be content with the status quo but it HAS come about and I am being offered what I see as the potential for fulfilment.

I hear you ask? "Why the fk did you knock her up then, if you weren't sure??"

It's complicated. At the time of conception I was actually quite seriously ill and didn't know if I'd even see her be born. I guess I wanted to secure a legacy and leave my fiancé with a child she always wanted. I have since made a full recovery can see that the time was highly charged with emotion.

[DoTheRightThing]

Thanks for all the replies.

Some heartfelt stuff from some on here and I really value it, the pics not so much but hey, to be expected around these parts.... In a bit of mess right now, don't know if I'm coming or going but sick of sneaking around. I'll update the thread either way.

To clarify a couple of points that kept coming up though; I don't find being a Dad hard, I LOVE it! I am aware how lucky I am. I don't feel the birth of our child has put too much strain on us, I worry for the future though and what happens when they've flown the roost. I need to spend my life with someone I can relate to, I'm not sure it's healthy to channel everything I have into my daughter and possibly more siblings besides if my heart isn't with their mother. I worry of the consequences of an 'unhappy' family home and what effect it might have on them as someone astutely pointed out earlier.

I expected to be called selfish but I'm trying to put my daughter at the forefront of this decision and ensure I create the right environment for her LONGTERM.

A number of posters have advised not to rush into anything and to spend some quality time with my fiancé. I intend to do this. I just spent an hour on the phone to the OW, as she has been coined, and I explained I needed some time to myself. I am scared of losing her though.


Edit: I suspect some truth in the depression thing. Career is tough and a very nasty health scare have perhaps worn me down.

Edited by DoTheRightThing on Tuesday 30th September 15:42

[DoTheRightThing]

Monkeylegend said:

DoTheRightThing said:

Thanks for all the replies.



I'm trying to put my daughter at the forefront of this decision and ensure I create the right environment for her LONGTERM.

Edited by DoTheRightThing on Tuesday 30th September 15:42

That's you trying to justify your actions, nothing about what is right for your daughter long term.

Not sure you are being entirely fair there fella.

[DoTheRightThing]

Monkeylegend said:

DoTheRightThing said:

Monkeylegend said:

DoTheRightThing said:

Thanks for all the replies.



I'm trying to put my daughter at the forefront of this decision and ensure I create the right environment for her LONGTERM.

Edited by DoTheRightThing on Tuesday 30th September 15:42

That's you trying to justify your actions, nothing about what is right for your daughter long term.

Not sure you are being entirely fair there fella.

Tell that to your fiancé and 18 month daughter.

I said in my OP that I had talked to my fiancé.

But she didn't edit out my concerns when replying, like you have done. She did however make light of them and as I said, has perhaps convinced herself it's just a phase.

[DoTheRightThing]

AndStilliRise said:

OP - your a dick. Literally.

Even in the short time you've been a member of PH I would have thought you'd learnt that the only thing worse than a limp insult around these parts is a limp insult with a spelling mistake.

Jog on.

Edited by DoTheRightThing on Tuesday 30th September 16:09

[DoTheRightThing]

dirty boy said:

DoTheRightThing said:

AndStilliRise said:

OP - your a dick. Literally.

Even in the short time you've been a member of PH I'd of thought you'd learnt that the only thing worse than a limp insult around these parts is a limp insult with a spelling mistake.

Jog on.

pffft "I'd of thought"

fkers!! You quoted before my edit!!

[DoTheRightThing]

Monkeylegend said:

And now you are not getting the confirmation you so desperately seek, turn abusive.
Your fiance and daughter deserve better than you.

No. I know most, if not all of the names on this thread and I appreciate the input even though some of it is hard to take.

But if some little johnny come lately wants to sit on side lines throwing insults and doing the "ha ha" voice from The Simpsons they can very well get fked.

[DoTheRightThing]

Adenauer said:

sjc said:

DoTheRightThing said:

Anyway, I'm in a horrible situation.

First things first, you're not....your fiancé is.

DoTheRightThing said:

I have a 18month year old daughter whom I love dearly and is the centre of my world. I have a beautiful, caring, patient and sensitive fiancé who loves me unconditionally and I know will stand by me until the end of our times. I have a large joint mortgage and a life with this women that is interwoven and has been built together.

You really really don't know how lucky you are mate.

DoTheRightThing said:

But I am no longer IN love with this women, I don't think I am anyway. I feel myself tense when she shows physical affection and have found myself even turning my cheek when she attempts to kiss me. I can take or leave sex with her. We have talked, and she has convinced herself it's just some sort of phase and wants to push on with more kids, marriage etc etc - I am not so sure this is wise. I feel incredible protective of her and wish to look after her but that spark of excitement and desire appears to be absent.

Her body and emotional state have been through the mill over the last couple of years being pregnant and then trying to bring up a newborn whilst finding out that you aren't happy... and she's still showing you affection and trying to understand how you feel??? Jesus Christ, at risk of repeating myself... you don't know how fking lucky you are.

DoTheRightThing said:

To complicate matters a women from my past has recently featured in my life more and the level of passion and emotion we share is hard to put into words. Intellectually she challenges me and stretches me and I think I find this incredibly refreshing and nourishing. She has signalled her desire to take things further, even moving to be with me and giving up a top salary in London to do so..

Has it not registered that if your fiancé had more to think about than washing, ironing, stty nappies, prams, feed times,no sleep and a bloke she's st scared might be leaving her, she might have a bit of time to intellectually challenge???Of course you find this other bird refreshing and challenging, it's escapism. Lets see whether she regrets giving up her "top" salary in London when you're not with her because of your daughters birthday, illness or simply because she is missing you and wants some Daddy time because you aren't there for the first day at school? And while your being influenced by another piece of skirt you've got no chance of sorting it with the mother of your child at home. Cut off all ties, period

DoTheRightThing said:

I feel sick. I feel like if I stay where I am currently I will always wonder what could have been and possibly grow to resent my fiancé. Or simply live a kind of half existence where I have outwardly nothing at all to complain about but inwardly am looking for something quite different.
I feel that if I leave I will be ruining my fiancés life, depriving my daughter of the secure and stable environment I enjoyed as a child, and removing the opportunity for her to enjoy siblings, family Christmas', family holidays.... it's just too much to bear and brings me to a juddering and tearful halt.

That's exactly what you'll be doing, but not for long.Because if she's as fantastic as you claim her to be, she'll be happily sorted in a new relationship, hopefully with a bloke who doesn't look at her in pity and views her as intellectually inferior. Oh and for good measure your daughter will be calling him daddy ( or if you're luck Daddy2)and will be telling you in no time how he makes her laugh,and what a silly funny man he his...sounds great doesn't it?

DoTheRightThing said:

She is an amazing mother, cooks, cleans, ensures I have ironed shirts come Monday and host of other clichéd home-making abilities that our society appears to hold dear.

Along with loyalty and understanding as she seems to have them as well...Have I mentioned that you don't know how lucky you are?

DoTheRightThing said:

My mother adores her, my brothers and their wife's adore her. She cares for the very sick and asks for little in return. So the mere mention of my unhappiness is met with consternation and disbelief. If I were to leave my fiancé I would be a pariah, my family would look on in disgust, her family who have been nothing but kind to me would be appalled. Society would no doubt judge me harshly and I would be racked with guilt. It would destroy her. I was brought up to value relationships. My mother and father stayed together until my fathers untimely death and I feel their influence strongly in this matter.
Perhaps it is simply my duty to put my daughter and fiancé first and cast this other woman (and life) aside. But something about that feels wrong. You only get one go at this life.
I am really unhappy right now.
It feels like my life is on the brink of destruction.
Thanks for listening anyway.

And know what? You come across as a genuinely decent bloke, going through a real change of circumstances in your life. You've probably given up a few things trying to be a good partner, but still have mates doing their blokey stuff. You've realised the enormity of parenthood, with a (no doubt) tired partner and how that's going to be your life for the foreseeable future, not skirt chasing or grabbing the extra hours in the pub with your mates etc. Your not alone in thinking stuff like that,in fact it's understandable in many ways,but it's something you need to snap out of, and bloody quick.
Did I say how lucky you are?

WOW! Well said, all of it.

It's also made me think that if I should a similar problem, NEVER to post a thread about it on PH. Fekkinell.

I don't mind. sjc has voiced his opinions without the abject glee others seem unable resist.

I'm 35 for whoever asked.

[DoTheRightThing]

frumpytrickle said:

Adenauer said:

Was that really called for?

A few decades ago.. I was his daughter. So yes.

Except for the fact that you weren't were you.

Your circumstances have the square route of fk all to do with mine. Have you even read the thread in full? Because I suspect, as is usually the case, after about page 10 many are just jumping in with their 'advice' having not fully grasped the situation.

If you had read the thread you would appreciate that the main reason I am conflicted on this issue is because of my daughter. If I was some sort of prick that didn't value my daughter then the thread title would be "I've just left the OH" and my user name would be DoneSomethingMorallyQuestionable.

While we're clearing up some misunderstandings can I just address the perception that I am some sort pleb that has had a kid and got tired with cleaning up nappies and leaves it all to the mother. I am an active and committed father. I am up with my daughter at the crack of dawn everyday to maximise our time together, I work in one of the most stressful environments imaginable and then go home and play with her until bath time, which I do. I am not a hands off father who pines for the freedom of youth and chasing skirt.

I am someone who finds themselves in the agonising position of not feeling the love and affection I once felt for the woman I had planned to spend the rest of my life with - I am determined to do what is best for ALL concerned.

Sorry to those of you that have clearly got the fuller picture and offered you advice accordingly.

[DoTheRightThing]

vescaegg said:

hornetrider said:

The more I read of this thread and the drivel the op mashes into his spunk stained keyboard the more of a he becomes. Hiding behind an alternate login to protect his precious original anonymous forum persona and accumulated post count, frankly I say fk it. Leave him to his misery because he came for justification of his tttish treatment of the mother of his child, got his arse handed to him by everyone yet refuses to see what a he is.

fk him.

I agree.

He has done the man maths, and we know how hard it is to go back on once you have convinced yourself its a good idea. Rational thought probably wont make a difference now.

His missus deserves better and its a shame she will be the one to massively suffer.

Dont see why he bothered asking anything here to be honest. Perhaps it was all just a wind up. Perhaps the OP has been popping in under his real login just to stir things up. What if im the OP? What if you are?

Edited by vescaegg on Thursday 2nd October 07:55

I'm not aware I have asked anything at all. I have simply off-loaded and feel much better for doing so. Others have shared their own experiences and I'm very grateful for those perspectives. There have been some incredible posts, thanks to those that took the time.

This will be my last for a while as I don't wish to fuel a soap opera or be accused of 'attention whoring'.

[DoTheRightThing]

frumpytrickle said:

Now what's that POS OP doing?

Oh you know, just marvelling at what a conceited prick you appear to be.

Glad to hear your good news Pit Pony.

[DoTheRightThing]

frumpytrickle said:

Now what's that POS OP doing?

frumpytrickle said:

Charming.

Is this guy for real?

[DoTheRightThing]

Tonsko said:

I think frumpy is a lady woman.

[DoTheRightThing]

Wrathalanche said:

OP,

Since you've taken on a new ID for the sake of this post, why do you feel the need to defend yourself to the people calling you out? You can just ignore it, and continue posting under your normal handle elsewhere with your reputation unbesmirched.

To be honest I find it very telling. Pretty much every one of your posts (yes, I have been following the whole thread from the start) since the first one has been to defend yourself. Or your wife. Or the other woman. Everyone is innocent and only of the best intentions according to you so far. Compare to ABD, where he constantly - wrongly - pinned the blame on himself in that thread for the best part of 6 months or whatever it was.

From the outset in this thread it all seemed to be stemming from an ego issue with you. Almost every one of your subsequent posts has confirmed that for me, as you strive to keep your good - yet assumed - name out of the mud. This might explain why the advice you are getting is so unanimous.

ABD was worthy of sympathy. You're just not I'm afraid. The problems with your OH don't sound particularly grave, your concerns for your daughter: insincere (in so far as you think she'd be better off without you because you won't be able to put a brave face on for her), and your insistence on keeping the new love interest sweet in the interim is fairly pathetic. I'll say it once again: ego.

Despite not posting much of any real substance, I think what you have said has given away an awful lot about you.

I don't expect you to post back about having a change of heart.

I was expecting that. Fair enough.

I am weak in being drawn in by the insults, especially as that's what they want, my bad.

I shouldn't have drawn any comparison with ABD. The situation obviously isn't comparable and has only served to give people more reason to pour scorn.

I have been purposeful in not saying much. it has been interesting to watch opinions and statements morph into fact and I have found that useful to some extent in determining where I stand.

I have re-read my OP quite a bit, as when I wrote it I did so with the opinion that I was unlikely to leave my partner but equally could not see myself being happy in staying. It is interesting to me that by say page 7 or so everyone had decided I was set on leaving her and I was scum. I actually wrote it in desperation and anguish at the underlying acceptance that I have to sit tight and let a woman (OW) I love more deeply than any other I have met slip out of my life.

I was, and am, curious as to the greater question of how much unhappiness one is obligated to bear in supporting a family? At what point does your responsibility to yourself out-way that to others? At what point does your unhappiness begin to impact negatively on the child you have chosen to stand by? Of course many people picked up on this stuff and commented as such.

Some misconceptions:
- I didn't post here looking for a steer. I pretty much knew what I had to do but am having trouble coming to terms with it. I needed to vent.
- This isn't about getting a "leg over", I travel a lot on business, and have rebuffed advances on many occasions. This is about sustainable life decisions not "cock flattery" as someone put it.
- I am not married (as people seem to keep saying!!) and don't wish to add myself to many hoards that seem to get married only to split up within a few years. What is an engagement for if not to contemplate and explore you relationship before taking it to the next level.

I don't think the advice was as unanimous as some proclaim. There have been some thoughtful and less hysterical posts from people and I'm grateful for the those. Of course the populist view was always going to be dominant with some notable keyboard warriors leading the charge but thankfully I am able to sift through that and consider both sides of the story.

Anyway, not much has changed since I last posted and people ignored my commitment to spend time with my OH and not doing anything rash.

Edited by DoTheRightThing on Wednesday 8th October 16:36