Relationship falling apart

[funkyrobot]

I know we've had lots of these type of threads on here before. However, here's mine. I've summarised it so people don't get bored reading it.

First baby born 7 weeks ago in traumatic circumstances. Mum and baby ill. Fast forward to today and both are doing fine, but mum and dad not getting on.

Since baby has been born, we argue a lot. We have fallen out twice this week and had a big bust up tonight. This one was caused by my fiancée taking over a bottle feed.

This week isn't the only one that has seen arguments. I'm pretty sure we have fallen out multiple times every week since they left hospital 5 weeks ago.

I hate it. I'm not a m horrible person and hate conflict. I hate the thought of the baby seeing us argue and I hate the thought of any of us being upset by each other. I care deeply and it's tearing me up inside.

Practically, I know that we need to have a serious talk. Trouble is, we're both knackered (me through baby and work and fiancée through being a full time mum). I also know that we can't be together if we make each other miserable.

If the worst comes to the worst and we split, we have a house to sell. We aren't married so at least there will be no messy divorce. I guess the issue will be our little daughter as I would hate it to get messy with her.

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

It's terrible to think that our baby will have separated parents. However, I don't want to subject her to witnessing her mum and dad falling out.

In relation to my fiancée, I don't know what to think. My thoughts around how I feel about her are perilously numb.

Thanks all.

[funkyrobot]

hornetrider said:

What's causing you to argue? Immediately after birth is probably one of the most stressful times of your life. It's all hands to the pump.

Anything and everything I'm afraid. Tonight was because I was doing a feed and it wasn't going too great. Fiancée wanted to take the bottle off me and do it herself. I do loads of feeds and it's not like I don't know what I'm doing.

It seems that anything that causes the slightest bit of trouble sets us off.

She took our baby and stayed at her parent's house last Saturday. I had to do some work from home and she just arranged for her dad to come and pick her up.

I just don't seem to be able to do much right at the moment.

Oh yes. I've been slightly late home from work the last few days and she had a pop about that. Apparently, I'm avoiding coming home which is rubbish.

I'm shrugging my shoulders as I type this. Bizarre.

One more. The engagement ring was torn off and thrown across the floor two weeks ago. It's back on now, but that wasn't good.

[funkyrobot]

Sheets Tabuer said:

She's tired and stressed, she doesn't have time to deal with you, either help or stay out the way but for the love of god don't claim after 7 weeks its going south!

She'll be back to you in 6 or 12 months.

I do help. I do all I can. It was if she didn't want me to help tonight.

I just don't think I can do anything right at the moment. I've manned up and am being a dad. Whether I'm being the right dad or not is another matter. I love my daughter and spend as much time with her as I possibly can.

[funkyrobot]

hornetrider said:

I checked your posting history as it rang a bell and I remember posting on your thread last month. Here's what I wrote.

hornetrider said:

Dude. Kind word of advice - time to mtfu and do what needs to be done. No more whining.

I'm going to be honest, I have a two year old btw. Your last thread sounded very whiny and you seemed to be stressing out over stuff you really ought not to be stressing about. In my opinion you need to chill the fk out, sorry to be harsh. If what you post is a reflection of how you are dealing with your Mrs I'm not surprised there are rows.

Whilst you are finding your way the best thing is to go along with what mum wants to do. She had a traumatic birth and all she needs is support. Let her organise and take control if she wants but offer to do stuff for her to take a load off her. Time for a bit of self sacrifice.

Yes it was whiny and I took the advice that was given.

I have chilled out. I've stopped the silliness and tried to be a good dad. I had issues that I addressed.

However, the relationship my fiancée and I have has been terrible of late.

[funkyrobot]

Birdster - we have support. We have parents who live locally.

Things have been fine up until a few weeks ago.

Work is tiring, but so is being a full time mum.

[funkyrobot]

mart 63 said:

Young people today!fking man up!!!

Yes, young people. We've never experienced rationing or the lingering terror of a night-time bombing raid. We've never huddled down in a tin shack, hoping that the next whistle isn't the bomb with our name on it.

We've never experienced the threat of a nuclear war. Never seen the adverts telling you to don a makeshift mask and hide under the table.

We've never experienced mass power cuts and think a five day working week is the norm.

We don't experience relationship issues because we all have sex before marriage and don't appreciate the taboo that is divorce.

We spend all day moaning about the battery life of our smartphones and face really trivial, first world problems.

We've never had it so fking easy. Why should we complain?

Young people of today eh.

[funkyrobot]

Ari said:

And what changed a few weeks ago..?

Our lives.

[funkyrobot]

hornetrider said:

fk me. If she does that, here's what you do. Smile. Say good idea. Give her the fking bottle. Offer to make a cup of tea. Job fking jobbed.

Trouble my arse.

I wanted to feed my little girl and give my fiancée a rest. What was wrong with that?

[funkyrobot]

hornetrider said:

fk me. If she does that, here's what you do. Smile. Say good idea. Give her the fking bottle. Offer to make a cup of tea. Job fking jobbed.

Trouble my arse.

I wanted to feed my little girl and give my fiancée a rest. What was wrong with that?

[funkyrobot]

Baryonyx said:

Go out and do fun things. It just sounds like she needs tine to settle into her new role as a wife and housekeeper. Enjoy some well deserved time to yourself.

Feel guilty about doing that. I want to be here for them when I'm not at work.

Do I need an A8?

[funkyrobot]

Dan_1981 said:

7 weeks since a difficult birth?

Suck it up. Get used to it.

Things will never be the same again.

Do not down tools and run off at this stage.

They won't. But we shouldn't be this unhappy, should we.

[funkyrobot]

mart 63 said:

funkyrobot said:

mart 63 said:

Young people today!fking man up!!!

Yes, young people. We've never experienced rationing or the lingering terror of a night-time bombing raid. We've never huddled down in a tin shack, hoping that the next whistle isn't the bomb with our name on it.

We've never experienced the threat of a nuclear war. Never seen the adverts telling you to don a makeshift mask and hide under the table.

We've never experienced mass power cuts and think a five day working week is the norm.

We don't experience relationship issues because we all have sex before marriage and don't appreciate the taboo that is divorce.

We spend all day moaning about the battery life of our smartphones and face really trivial, first world problems.

We've never had it so fking easy. Why should we complain?

You hit the nail on the head there;)

Young people of today eh.

And you've hit enter in the wrong place.

[funkyrobot]

HQ2 said:

You'll have years of great times with the kid, but the first few months you'll feel like a spare wheel while the other half becomes all-consumed by the new arrival.

Mum won't let anything get in the way of her precious belonging, not even dad, give her space, you have plenty of involvement to come.

Very true. She is like a lioness with a cub.

She isn't that furry though.

[funkyrobot]

hornetrider said:

funkyrobot said:

I wanted to feed my little girl and give my fiancée a rest. What was wrong with that?

The fact your Mrs wanted to take over, that's what's wrong with that. Because what happened next is you had a row, and that, make no mistake, was your fault. Acquiesce. Make some tea. Support. End of.

fk me it's so easy, you really need telling?

No. I see what you are saying.

I guess I try too hard to help.

[funkyrobot]

aw51 121565 said:

Post Natal Depression, anyone mentioned it yet?

This nettle needs to be grasped, it is not uncommon and isn't fun for anyone concerned...

The best of wishes to the OP and their partner (and new kid) .

Thanks. I don't think it's PND. I just think it's an idiotic father.

[funkyrobot]

oldcynic said:

The fact that she wasn't getting a rest but was fretting about you not 'doing it right'

You were probably doing absolutely nothing wrong with the feeding, however is it such a big deal to let your fiancee take over? She was on edge and the quickest way to calm her nerves would have been to say 'yes dear' and move on to something else.

She may also resent you working so hard (pretty stupid when you probably need every penny you can get!) then fighting for your daughter's attention when you're home. Do you give your fiancee attention, or does your daughter win over every time?

All good points. Thanks.

They both get attention as we all spend time together.

I have only been in the job three months so I'm trying to show some willing there. I guess it all adds up though.

[funkyrobot]

MonkeyMatt said:

ts a massive change to you both! your job is to look after mum so she can look after baby. They both need to bond, it sounds harsh but the baby just doesn't need you yet. Give it a few weeks and things will start to settle ad you will find your place. However it will never be the same as before

Hard isn't it when the little tyke is so adorable and you want to do everything for her and you want to help mum. However, you get in the way.

[funkyrobot]

hornetrider said:

The way you help is by not arguing with her and being a douche. Change your way of doing things. Be cool. Let her take the lead if she wants. She'll have spent the last nine months getting mumsnetted up on how to do all the things which need doing, so she has a fair idea of how she wants things to go. Help her along the way, don't argue the toss.

Yes.

fking mumsnet.

[funkyrobot]

Baryonyx said:

Sounds more like you need a motorbike!

Erm.

[funkyrobot]

mart 63 said:

I'm old and there aint much light in our cardboard box.So sorry about the keyboard error.

Have you tried white cardboard? It reflects the light better.