Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
Anyone had this?
Before you say, no pics, no-one else involved, just came out the blue tonight.
20 years, from 16 years old, no kids, live and work together, not one problem in 20 years, one slip-up a few years back when she had depression, but thats it.
Says she still cares for me, doesn't want me to move out, but sat here now (pissed) wondering "wtf"
Reckon this is it chaps?
Before you say, no pics, no-one else involved, just came out the blue tonight.
20 years, from 16 years old, no kids, live and work together, not one problem in 20 years, one slip-up a few years back when she had depression, but thats it.
Says she still cares for me, doesn't want me to move out, but sat here now (pissed) wondering "wtf"
Reckon this is it chaps?
Jasandjules said:
Are you sure she is not depressed now?
If not, then time to set your affairs in order to ensure you are covered with the split.
Possibly, she says she doesn't love me but doesn't know why or what to do. But as it's happened before, it may well be me thats triggering the depression? I don't know.If not, then time to set your affairs in order to ensure you are covered with the split.
I've already spoke about the house, and what we'd do and likely to raise cash wise, however she doesn't understand how I can talk about things like that?
Thanks again, I think!
Been a strange day, been in the house together (neither of us have anywhere to go really) watching Columbo, on the buses and the Waltons.
Spoke about going to docs (in case it's depression) but mainly spoke about selling house and everything in it. She doesn't want that just yet, I'm not going to push it.
We had / have a long weekend booked off, think I may pop to Wales or similar and do some lone hiking.
Feel strong one minute, a mess the next.
But thanks,
Cheers
Been a strange day, been in the house together (neither of us have anywhere to go really) watching Columbo, on the buses and the Waltons.
Spoke about going to docs (in case it's depression) but mainly spoke about selling house and everything in it. She doesn't want that just yet, I'm not going to push it.
We had / have a long weekend booked off, think I may pop to Wales or similar and do some lone hiking.
Feel strong one minute, a mess the next.
But thanks,
Cheers
Small update,
Definitely over. She isn't depressed, as work etc is all fine, just how she feels about me.
Spent quite an emotional evening going through everything tonight, going to start ebaying all our furniture tomorrow, get a skip ordered for junk / nik-naks etc (20 years of accumulating!) Telling my family tomorrow.
She suggested staying as we are in the house as friends, but I really can't face that.
Dogs will go with her, going to be hassle with banks, credit cards etc as everything has been joint for nearly all those 20 years.
My concern is for her at the moment, she hasn't much in the way of friends, as we have been inseparable since 16, so we were pretty much our only friends, and I have quite a large family, she does not.
Thanks for listening
Definitely over. She isn't depressed, as work etc is all fine, just how she feels about me.
Spent quite an emotional evening going through everything tonight, going to start ebaying all our furniture tomorrow, get a skip ordered for junk / nik-naks etc (20 years of accumulating!) Telling my family tomorrow.
She suggested staying as we are in the house as friends, but I really can't face that.
Dogs will go with her, going to be hassle with banks, credit cards etc as everything has been joint for nearly all those 20 years.
My concern is for her at the moment, she hasn't much in the way of friends, as we have been inseparable since 16, so we were pretty much our only friends, and I have quite a large family, she does not.
Thanks for listening
Cheers,
selling furniture as theres loads in this house! Might look a bit messy when people view. I don't want anything that will remind me of "us" so everything else I will tip or give away.
We work for the same company, hopefully I can stay out of the way.
No savings as we have been doing the house up as were trying for a baby, probably about 3k or so in cc's etc, about 70k equity tied up in house.
I'm offering her anything she wants from the house before selling or tipping the rest.
Just been to collect boxes for packing stuff up.
s
t this is bad
selling furniture as theres loads in this house! Might look a bit messy when people view. I don't want anything that will remind me of "us" so everything else I will tip or give away.
We work for the same company, hopefully I can stay out of the way.
No savings as we have been doing the house up as were trying for a baby, probably about 3k or so in cc's etc, about 70k equity tied up in house.
I'm offering her anything she wants from the house before selling or tipping the rest.
Just been to collect boxes for packing stuff up.
s
t this is badI take it others find this normal then?
As in, I would guess up to a month ago, everything was or seemed, to be fine, probably much better than fine. Not long back from anniversary holiday, planning for the future, even more than we always had, and finishing our house, then those words!
Got the day off again, just going to remove the "cosy" touches around the house, pics of us, hearts with our names inscribed etc. (After watching "Them" I recorded last night) Then gonna get my ass in gear and have a shower, I may or may not be beginning to hum! Rest of the day is my oyster (crap analogy)
My family are upset by the news, but ive made out I'm not bothered.
I did think I may have been contacted by her family, but not so.
Cheers
As in, I would guess up to a month ago, everything was or seemed, to be fine, probably much better than fine. Not long back from anniversary holiday, planning for the future, even more than we always had, and finishing our house, then those words!
Got the day off again, just going to remove the "cosy" touches around the house, pics of us, hearts with our names inscribed etc. (After watching "Them" I recorded last night) Then gonna get my ass in gear and have a shower, I may or may not be beginning to hum! Rest of the day is my oyster (crap analogy)
My family are upset by the news, but ive made out I'm not bothered.
I did think I may have been contacted by her family, but not so.
Cheers
Thanks all, seems a few have been through this then!
Not getting any better, her dad called round yesterday and said to give it a week or two and things might change. But this morning we have sort of agreed that I need to destroy my crumb of hope. She doesn't feel any different at all.
Last night here tonight I think, will take a few things and go tomorrow. (Before you say, she offered to go if I can't stand it here, but easier if I go)
She thinks that my family have told me to do this to make her suffer, ie stuck here on her own and to make her think about things. But it's not, starting to realise it really is over.
Will be hard back at work next week, if she's not with me in corridors, restraunt, breaks etc I always get asked "wheres xxxx?"
Memories are non-stop at the moment, and every fookin song on the radio is about breaking up, making it bloody harder.
Not had a drink all week, but it's Friday and I usually have a few cans at home on a Friday night, at least I may get off to sleep! Tomorrow busy doing pre-planned things, then will say goodbye to our dogs.
Thanks for reading.
Not getting any better, her dad called round yesterday and said to give it a week or two and things might change. But this morning we have sort of agreed that I need to destroy my crumb of hope. She doesn't feel any different at all.
Last night here tonight I think, will take a few things and go tomorrow. (Before you say, she offered to go if I can't stand it here, but easier if I go)
She thinks that my family have told me to do this to make her suffer, ie stuck here on her own and to make her think about things. But it's not, starting to realise it really is over.
Will be hard back at work next week, if she's not with me in corridors, restraunt, breaks etc I always get asked "wheres xxxx?"
Memories are non-stop at the moment, and every fookin song on the radio is about breaking up, making it bloody harder.
Not had a drink all week, but it's Friday and I usually have a few cans at home on a Friday night, at least I may get off to sleep! Tomorrow busy doing pre-planned things, then will say goodbye to our dogs.
Thanks for reading.
Monkeylegend - I really can't, everytime I see them it would yet be another reminder, when we had the hiccup a few years back, I kept the dogs, as much as they kept me occupied, everytime I was walking through the woods with them I would end up in tears!
RobinBanks - If you really mean that mate, I may take you up on the offer, our village is only about 7 miles from Knowle. Thanks.
qube_TA said:
If it helps, 4 years ago I had this 'bombshell', wife hit 40 and seemed to have a real hard time with it, started acting strange, very distant, polite, no complaints but obviously not happy. Nothing I did would get her to say what was going on in her head.
One day she didn't come home from work, eventually turning up about 3AM, really pissed, where she said that the whole relationship had been a lie, didn't love me and unsure she ever had kind of thing.
Hit me like a brick as I totally love her and think she's wonderful, we've been together a million years.
She was fairly clear with her position so I grabbed some stuff and left (I don't have any friends so went to work then checked into a Travelodge
)
Wife called me, asked me to come home, she broke down and all the stuff that had been going on in her head, depression, guilt, long list of stuff that she'd built up came out. Anyway long story, short; it was 4 years ago and everything has been great since.
So to the OP, it might not be as black n white and game over as some suggest.
Hi Qube - I am so pleased that worked for you, and yes it would actually give me hope, however, when she had depression 3 years ago, and we split for 3 weeks, we did get back together, and I have been thankful for that ever since. I do think now though, that maybe it was a case of "if you love her let her go" maybe? Even though she seemed great once she was on tablets.One day she didn't come home from work, eventually turning up about 3AM, really pissed, where she said that the whole relationship had been a lie, didn't love me and unsure she ever had kind of thing.
Hit me like a brick as I totally love her and think she's wonderful, we've been together a million years.
She was fairly clear with her position so I grabbed some stuff and left (I don't have any friends so went to work then checked into a Travelodge
)Wife called me, asked me to come home, she broke down and all the stuff that had been going on in her head, depression, guilt, long list of stuff that she'd built up came out. Anyway long story, short; it was 4 years ago and everything has been great since.
So to the OP, it might not be as black n white and game over as some suggest.
Thanks
Small update.
things are still the same, no feelings for me, and as she said she doesn't think there will be now. I still find it hard and confusing that in the space of a few weeks everything has changed, she just seems so cold towards me in that respect. And yet still cooks my dinner at night and makes me coffee etc.
I have noticed she has changed the passwords on phones / tabs, all our gadgets used to have the same password.
So killing me as it is, I reckon 100% over, she doesn't even seem to want to try, and normal day-to-day stuff for her seems no problem and is done with a smile on her face. I struggle to get through the day, let alone sleep at night.
I guess my next steps are house on the market first of Jan, and furniture on ebay as soon as possible (suppose in the next month or two stuff will sell stupidly cheap due to time of year) Found divorce pack at whsmith for 25 quid. Then start sorting out the bank account.
End of an era for me, really struggling to realise it has come to this! Moreso that life is going on the same around me, probably even for her.
Cheers
things are still the same, no feelings for me, and as she said she doesn't think there will be now. I still find it hard and confusing that in the space of a few weeks everything has changed, she just seems so cold towards me in that respect. And yet still cooks my dinner at night and makes me coffee etc.
I have noticed she has changed the passwords on phones / tabs, all our gadgets used to have the same password.
So killing me as it is, I reckon 100% over, she doesn't even seem to want to try, and normal day-to-day stuff for her seems no problem and is done with a smile on her face. I struggle to get through the day, let alone sleep at night.
I guess my next steps are house on the market first of Jan, and furniture on ebay as soon as possible (suppose in the next month or two stuff will sell stupidly cheap due to time of year) Found divorce pack at whsmith for 25 quid. Then start sorting out the bank account.
End of an era for me, really struggling to realise it has come to this! Moreso that life is going on the same around me, probably even for her.
Cheers
Thanks guys
As for behaviour, nothing that stuck out like a sore thumb, been a little ill for the last month, which is what I put a few things down to. Not as touchy feely with me if you get what I mean, again, put this down to being ill. Other than that nothing really, come back a few months ago from out anniversary trip, and been doing the house up every night/weekend, all seemed pretty good.
Cheers
9mm said:
The password changes don't mean there's another bloke on the scene, although I bet there is, but they do mean she is having converstations about the relationship that she isn't having with the OP. Whoever they're with, they won't be about the OP's best interests, they'll be about hers. Meals and drinks are just to keep you off the scent and a bit of guilt.
OP, where are her friends in all this and what changes in behaviour have you noticed other than those posted?
She will have a plan. The sooner you get one the better.
She hasn't many friends as we have been together since leaving school pretty much, so a couple of work colleagues, but mainly my family are her friends.OP, where are her friends in all this and what changes in behaviour have you noticed other than those posted?
She will have a plan. The sooner you get one the better.
As for behaviour, nothing that stuck out like a sore thumb, been a little ill for the last month, which is what I put a few things down to. Not as touchy feely with me if you get what I mean, again, put this down to being ill. Other than that nothing really, come back a few months ago from out anniversary trip, and been doing the house up every night/weekend, all seemed pretty good.
Cheers
Cheers guys.
Been looking at self help crap on the internet, trouble with that is one of the main things they all seem to say is this "focus on bad parts of the relationship, and use them" and a few other ways to rid your mind of her. However, in 20 years, apart from when she had depression, we had hardly any arguments, maybe a handful, always resolved in a few minutes/hours.
Been looking at self help crap on the internet, trouble with that is one of the main things they all seem to say is this "focus on bad parts of the relationship, and use them" and a few other ways to rid your mind of her. However, in 20 years, apart from when she had depression, we had hardly any arguments, maybe a handful, always resolved in a few minutes/hours.
B17NNS said:
Only for you is it a shock in a short space of time. For her, she has had months to get used to the idea.
Why are you waiting until January to get the house on the market? Do it now. Sounds to me like you are hoping things will change over Christmas. They won't unfortunately.
Why are you going to sell furniture? You'll both need furniture moving forward. Split it up. Saves hassle and cash.
The sooner you take control of the situation and start moving it forward the sooner you will recover from his.
One, because I thought it would be a waste of time before Christmas as people are so busy, 2, due to the fact I need to finish off the few rooms that we had nearly completed. Also, she has asked why the rush.Why are you waiting until January to get the house on the market? Do it now. Sounds to me like you are hoping things will change over Christmas. They won't unfortunately.
Why are you going to sell furniture? You'll both need furniture moving forward. Split it up. Saves hassle and cash.
The sooner you take control of the situation and start moving it forward the sooner you will recover from his.
As for furniture, She wants a few bits that we got together, I made etc, but I don't want anything that reminds me of us together when it's all gone south. That and the fact I will be in a room with one of my parents so will have no space for anything. ( and will make the house look neater)
Pferdestarke said:
Of course. We're all ears!
Think big.
As in grand scheme...
This, is a drip on a hot plate.
They fizzle out fast.
Get some beer in you tonight. No moping.
Ha ha. Funnily enough, I was breaking my rule of no alcohol on a school night tonight, and I have, however, only 5 cans in! Probably best as I'll be popping into work tomorrow. Think big.
As in grand scheme...
This, is a drip on a hot plate.
They fizzle out fast.
Get some beer in you tonight. No moping.
Tomorrow night is a different matter, I may well get s
t-faced. But in a good way of course.Cheers
mikerons88 said:
mjb1 said:
Just be careful not to get stfaced and then come home to find her in bed with the new bloke! Alcohol might encourage to do something you regret!
join in?tfaced and then come home to find her in bed with the new bloke! Alcohol might encourage to do something you regret!On the other hand, that would have been, strangely, easier to deal with!! One reason being, there is no way on earth I would consider trying again!
That said, it doesn't really matter, as whether she did or didn't, we're over. I know that.
singlecoil said:
What makes this thread so fascinating is that most of the readers know what the OP is going through, and they know how it will turn out, and they know he will get better eventually, and they know that he can't see those things for himself (just like we couldn't when it happened to us ). He can acknowledge them, but he doesn't really believe them yet, he hasn't moved on yet. It can be very frustrating for the onlookers.
Don't worry, I'm starting to realise!). He can acknowledge them, but he doesn't really believe them yet, he hasn't moved on yet. It can be very frustrating for the onlookers.Just never been an asshole to anyone before, and that's how I'm feeling I'm being (well, once my double-hard-b
d st starts tomorrow)Ffs, I even went phsyco on a lad in front of me one night when I saw him intentionally swerve to hit a hedgehog (he may, or may not do that again)
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff