You're 31, with £11,000, and failed miserably in life...
Discussion
What do you do? Where do you go? My grandad left me that sum when he passed away in 2006.
I've reached that age where I'm getting on a bit- and been ill for most of the last decade. Mentally ill that is... Which means no one really believes you're ill, which in turn puts you in the vicious circle of feeling more ill because you feel everyone is pointing the finger at you, that you're ill because of yourself and no one else etc..
My girlfriend has stuck by me- we've been together since the age of 17 and she's great but I feel so ashamed... We want to start a family but how can I- I want to feel like a new man, proud, bringing home the bacon etc...
I mean I have got skills, I'm half French, perfectly bilingual and good with people. I genuinely feel crap about myself but I do know that I have an eye for detail and I am a perfectionist...
I just want to start a new life- and one I can be proud of. Any ideas?
I've reached that age where I'm getting on a bit- and been ill for most of the last decade. Mentally ill that is... Which means no one really believes you're ill, which in turn puts you in the vicious circle of feeling more ill because you feel everyone is pointing the finger at you, that you're ill because of yourself and no one else etc..
My girlfriend has stuck by me- we've been together since the age of 17 and she's great but I feel so ashamed... We want to start a family but how can I- I want to feel like a new man, proud, bringing home the bacon etc...
I mean I have got skills, I'm half French, perfectly bilingual and good with people. I genuinely feel crap about myself but I do know that I have an eye for detail and I am a perfectionist...
I just want to start a new life- and one I can be proud of. Any ideas?
Edited by Leicesterdave on Monday 24th November 07:48
R6VED said:
You passed away in 2006 - bloody hell ghosts are real after all.
I have some experience with mental health issues, I suffered with diagnosed PTSD and Depression - you really need to get professional help is my best advice, as you have clearly suffered for far to long. I had some professional counselling and 10 years later I am married with 2 children and pretty happy.
You don't need to "man up" or "pull your socks up" you need help and it takes some guts to admit that and go and speak to your GP.
Good luck and I am still not sure of the relevance of the £11k - House deposit contribution would be my advise - or if you already have one then blow it on coke and hookers ?(just to redress the balance slomewhat) :-)
Hehe edited! The £11k was to somehow perhaps start a business or to start a new life elsewhere.. I'm prepared to do anything it takes to get away from it all. Counselling and all the rest I've tried. For years.I have some experience with mental health issues, I suffered with diagnosed PTSD and Depression - you really need to get professional help is my best advice, as you have clearly suffered for far to long. I had some professional counselling and 10 years later I am married with 2 children and pretty happy.
You don't need to "man up" or "pull your socks up" you need help and it takes some guts to admit that and go and speak to your GP.
Good luck and I am still not sure of the relevance of the £11k - House deposit contribution would be my advise - or if you already have one then blow it on coke and hookers ?(just to redress the balance slomewhat) :-)
One thing I've learnt is no therapy exists to cure you, or even really just get to the root of the problem. The real therapy or miracle pill is to get myself sorted. Only then will I be truly happy.
Thanks guys- it all helps. My girlfriend is wonderful but it's only one part of you that can be happy as a result. You have the greatest of partners but you can't really offer her anything bar 'love'. I'm just this guy she loves but whereas her friends have already got married and had the dream wedding and the babies we're always stuck at square one.
I'd love to give it all up and travel, believe me and so would she. Sadly (but thankfully really) she is career minded and retrained in law so is now working as a paralegal. She's got a way to go yet before she qualifies as a solicitor and earns more money but obviously with career means responsibility= you can't just leave and live on fresh air.
So I'm generally stuck at home with tons of ideas in my head- I could do this, and I could do that' and somehow nothing ever comes of it. What realistically can you do when your CV has more holes than swiss cheese? Who's going to give you a chance? I consider myself to be educated but on paper- I'm a nobody!
I'd love to give it all up and travel, believe me and so would she. Sadly (but thankfully really) she is career minded and retrained in law so is now working as a paralegal. She's got a way to go yet before she qualifies as a solicitor and earns more money but obviously with career means responsibility= you can't just leave and live on fresh air.
So I'm generally stuck at home with tons of ideas in my head- I could do this, and I could do that' and somehow nothing ever comes of it. What realistically can you do when your CV has more holes than swiss cheese? Who's going to give you a chance? I consider myself to be educated but on paper- I'm a nobody!
andy-xr said:
Really sounds like you're expecting your life should have turned out different.
Is it this?
You know....that dream that Marketers try and sell you on, dashingly good looking Dad, slightly too young for him and still hot Mum with 2 kids that seem so well behaved?
None of it's real you know? It's made up to make you feel s
t and go on holiday/buy shiny thing/ eat less / whatever
You've got where you are from whatever you've done, and it probably wouldnt have happened any other way. Any if's but's wouldacouldashoulda's really arent relevant.
Beating yourself up over the past doesnt change it, it just makes you feel st.
It's easier to look for positives than spend time swerving and jumping around negatives. But you know that already, right?
Maybe your g/f doesnt want or need anything other than you?
Made me chuckle. I know it doesn't exist as such. But I don't want perfection- I just want a bit more normality...Is it this?
You know....that dream that Marketers try and sell you on, dashingly good looking Dad, slightly too young for him and still hot Mum with 2 kids that seem so well behaved?
None of it's real you know? It's made up to make you feel s
t and go on holiday/buy shiny thing/ eat less / whateverYou've got where you are from whatever you've done, and it probably wouldnt have happened any other way. Any if's but's wouldacouldashoulda's really arent relevant.
Beating yourself up over the past doesnt change it, it just makes you feel s
t. It's easier to look for positives than spend time swerving and jumping around negatives. But you know that already, right?
Maybe your g/f doesnt want or need anything other than you?
Dr Interceptor said:
It doesn't exist - trust me.
I'm 31 and a poofter. I've been seeing my other half for nearly two years (in 2 weeks), I still live at home, I'm not out to my folks, and I've lived a double life since I was 17.
Now that is difficult to live with I imagine. What would the reaction of your parents be do you think? What is it putting you off telling them?I'm 31 and a poofter. I've been seeing my other half for nearly two years (in 2 weeks), I still live at home, I'm not out to my folks, and I've lived a double life since I was 17.
I am so glad I started this thread. You lot really are a good bunch and I wish I could meet friends like this in everyday life. Sadly this is another issue that is affecting my life (and thank god for forums where my anonymity remains intact) I haven't got a single friend, not one.
It genuinely isn't my intent to make all this sound like a sob story- but I do think this is why I am in the state I'm in. It's 05.53 am and I'm typing this in our flat- with the thoughts that my day is going to be exactly the same as the last: empty. I don't sleep well at all, and haven't for a while, I think it's just because there is so much on my mind and has been for years.
The lack of friends for me is the biggest issue. I'd swap my £11k or of course far more (if I had it) for one true friend. It's what I look at with envy the most when I pop into town and look at a bunch of blokes having a laugh. No one can truly appreciate how isolating it feels when you never get one text message or email or whatever just asking 'how are you'?
I feel I'd struggle to make friends anyway as my life as been so empty for over a decade now- I mean what really have I got to contribute to a friendship? What have you done dave, what are your hobbies? Oh well I've sat on my arse for 10 years and felt sorry for myself. Riiiiight. One thing my dad always used to tell me (in french of course!) which roughly translated is: When you're laughing,everybody laughs with you when you cry, you cry on your own. And for me, never truer words have been spoken.
I just know I wouldn't need much to make me happy- a good pal, a job/bsuiness I'm interested in, and just a decent income. Give me that and I'll appreciate every day as if it was my last.
It genuinely isn't my intent to make all this sound like a sob story- but I do think this is why I am in the state I'm in. It's 05.53 am and I'm typing this in our flat- with the thoughts that my day is going to be exactly the same as the last: empty. I don't sleep well at all, and haven't for a while, I think it's just because there is so much on my mind and has been for years.
The lack of friends for me is the biggest issue. I'd swap my £11k or of course far more (if I had it) for one true friend. It's what I look at with envy the most when I pop into town and look at a bunch of blokes having a laugh. No one can truly appreciate how isolating it feels when you never get one text message or email or whatever just asking 'how are you'?
I feel I'd struggle to make friends anyway as my life as been so empty for over a decade now- I mean what really have I got to contribute to a friendship? What have you done dave, what are your hobbies? Oh well I've sat on my arse for 10 years and felt sorry for myself. Riiiiight. One thing my dad always used to tell me (in french of course!) which roughly translated is: When you're laughing,everybody laughs with you when you cry, you cry on your own. And for me, never truer words have been spoken.
I just know I wouldn't need much to make me happy- a good pal, a job/bsuiness I'm interested in, and just a decent income. Give me that and I'll appreciate every day as if it was my last.
andy-xr said:
Nope. Life says you need to work at these, they're not gifts, they need watering, feeding and maintenance.
Some will wither and die, others will flourish. You will get out more than you put in now and again. Often, you'll get less. But you carry on in the hope that the flourishing ones are rewarding. It's bi-directional.
Dave, you need some self love. I dont mean wking in the corner, I mean you need to look at who you are, you morals, your attributes, your conscience. The good and the bad. When you get to your core, you'll find what you want to like about yourself and see the things you dont like. It's scary, but it's honest and you cant be honest with other people and open yourself up to them til you've got to know what's under there yourself first.
The way you write, you use adverbs (ending in 'ly') a lot. They're either an excuse for not doing something, or they're designed to change the impact of something.
Sadly is a good example. Miserably, Genuinely, Truly, Realistically. These are words you've used in this thread. When you use these words, you're using them in a negative context about yourself. This is your brain telling you that you cant do something and you should feel st about it
It's weird psychobabble. It's someone overanalysing what you're saying, right? Only, everyone thinks this way, and sometimes those words can hurt you. What helped me was thinking 'Hey, brain - thanks for that. Now I'm going to do it anyway and not find an excuse to avoid it'
You're so bloody right it's frightening. Saying that- it's all easier said than done. I feel like I've tried but I don't have the building blocks to succeed. Some people get through sSome will wither and die, others will flourish. You will get out more than you put in now and again. Often, you'll get less. But you carry on in the hope that the flourishing ones are rewarding. It's bi-directional.
Dave, you need some self love. I dont mean w
king in the corner, I mean you need to look at who you are, you morals, your attributes, your conscience. The good and the bad. When you get to your core, you'll find what you want to like about yourself and see the things you dont like. It's scary, but it's honest and you cant be honest with other people and open yourself up to them til you've got to know what's under there yourself first. The way you write, you use adverbs (ending in 'ly') a lot. They're either an excuse for not doing something, or they're designed to change the impact of something.
Sadly is a good example. Miserably, Genuinely, Truly, Realistically. These are words you've used in this thread. When you use these words, you're using them in a negative context about yourself. This is your brain telling you that you cant do something and you should feel s
t about it It's weird psychobabble. It's someone overanalysing what you're saying, right? Only, everyone thinks this way, and sometimes those words can hurt you. What helped me was thinking 'Hey, brain - thanks for that. Now I'm going to do it anyway and not find an excuse to avoid it'
t times with the help of friends, or family or just something. I have very little- so to motivate myself is very very very hard. I have my girlfriend, I know. But still, its so very difficult.Dr Interceptor said:
It's no substitute for a proper buddy I know. I take it your username reflects your location? Well if you ever find yourself a bit further south, shout me if you fancy a beer.
I'm even further up north, so unfortunately it won't be possible! Had it been- I really would have appreciated that, thanks!vrsmxtb said:
Short term, I've said it before but start your day with exercise. Honestly, a good 5 mile walk, 20 mile cycle, hour gym session, whatever you enjoy, works wonders.
It'll boost your mood, keep you in shape and motivate the rest of your day. It's so easy to get sucked in to a laptop or tv as soon as you get up, then you feel crap for having done nothing all day.
I hear you. I joined the gym in June 2014 and by October 2014 I'd lost interest. This is what worries me- I just seem to have no interest in anything. All I saw was loads of people laughing together and I was puffing and panting on the treadmill and weights area feeling a bit crap really!It'll boost your mood, keep you in shape and motivate the rest of your day. It's so easy to get sucked in to a laptop or tv as soon as you get up, then you feel crap for having done nothing all day.
vrsmxtb said:
So not the gym then! Or get involved in group sessions and be part of the people having a laugh together.
I know weather is bit crap, but are you rural or in a town? If rural, grab an OS map, find a few footpaths and go for a walk. Amazing how much it chills you out. If in a town, perhaps not quite as relaxing but find some quiet roads / green spaces.
I know it's a horrid cliche, and very difficult to embrace when you are wrapped up in your own brain, but PMA! Be proactive! I try and remind myself this as much as possible as I do empathise with the thoughts you've described and it's not easy, but it won't improve until you start setting the building blocks to change. Only you can do this.
I need you as a mate! It's the most interest been shown to me in a long time. Again, yes I hear you. And....I know weather is bit crap, but are you rural or in a town? If rural, grab an OS map, find a few footpaths and go for a walk. Amazing how much it chills you out. If in a town, perhaps not quite as relaxing but find some quiet roads / green spaces.
I know it's a horrid cliche, and very difficult to embrace when you are wrapped up in your own brain, but PMA! Be proactive! I try and remind myself this as much as possible as I do empathise with the thoughts you've described and it's not easy, but it won't improve until you start setting the building blocks to change. Only you can do this.
Drum roll...
I have actually applied for a job. It ain't much but I want to move forward. We want to buy a house and just generally move on- so, gradually, I'm trying. It won't happen overnight, and the human race is continually disappointing me but I guess I can either whine forever or just try and get on with things.
I just hope when I get to by called dad (planned for mid next year) I'll be a different person. I don't want my kid to think of me as anything other than their hero.
Simblade- very informative post. I can't disagree with any of it. I was particularly impressed with the meetup.com bit- it's exactly what I was looking for!
The biggest issue I face is people in general. I can't figure out whether it's because I feel depressed or people in general have changed. Growing up I was an extremely popular kid. I was invited to parties on a weekly basis, had a ton of female attention and had a good number of friends. It was easy to make friends and you felt you could count on them.
Since I moved to the UK things have changed (and I haven't always been depressed!). I find people extremely self centred and selfish. No one seems to give a damn, its all very 'me me me', what have you bought, is it better and more expensive than mine etc etc...
Where are the real people? The people that 'feel', the people who love living life for everything it has to offer, not just the shops and this horrid society of mass consumerism? If it's not about what you possess it's about how much you drink. Which is yet another issue i've found in the UK- I love good food and a bit of a drink but that's it- I don't drink to get drunk. Seems to be an alien concept here!
I mean don't get me wrong, I love a good trip to the shops, I'm not anti spending, far from it but I just cannot seem to meet people with anything close to my views. Maybe they are very warped...
The biggest issue I face is people in general. I can't figure out whether it's because I feel depressed or people in general have changed. Growing up I was an extremely popular kid. I was invited to parties on a weekly basis, had a ton of female attention and had a good number of friends. It was easy to make friends and you felt you could count on them.
Since I moved to the UK things have changed (and I haven't always been depressed!). I find people extremely self centred and selfish. No one seems to give a damn, its all very 'me me me', what have you bought, is it better and more expensive than mine etc etc...
Where are the real people? The people that 'feel', the people who love living life for everything it has to offer, not just the shops and this horrid society of mass consumerism? If it's not about what you possess it's about how much you drink. Which is yet another issue i've found in the UK- I love good food and a bit of a drink but that's it- I don't drink to get drunk. Seems to be an alien concept here!
I mean don't get me wrong, I love a good trip to the shops, I'm not anti spending, far from it but I just cannot seem to meet people with anything close to my views. Maybe they are very warped...
Simblade said:
My advice is all based on peer reviewed research.
On the other hand if he was my mate I'd tell him to hit the gym for 6 weeks hard then go travelling solo for as long as the money lasts minus a small cushion until you get a new job on your return. Your only young once fella and if you go and get about it for more than a few weeks you'll see how cool the world is and how quickly your problems can go away when your doing Martial arts in Thailand, sky diving in Prague, paragliding in Rio or balls deep in a Canadian student on a beach in Croatia.
If you've lost ten years of your life to depression that is a travesty, don't waste another 10,20,30....
It's what I'd consider if I was single- but I'm not!On the other hand if he was my mate I'd tell him to hit the gym for 6 weeks hard then go travelling solo for as long as the money lasts minus a small cushion until you get a new job on your return. Your only young once fella and if you go and get about it for more than a few weeks you'll see how cool the world is and how quickly your problems can go away when your doing Martial arts in Thailand, sky diving in Prague, paragliding in Rio or balls deep in a Canadian student on a beach in Croatia.
If you've lost ten years of your life to depression that is a travesty, don't waste another 10,20,30....
mjb1 said:
Tell them you've been working as a male escort? What proof of activity do they want?
Seriously, all you've got to do is think up something plausible (we don't know, based on the info you've given out), and say it never got off the ground.
Well this afternoon was a phone interview- and I had to talk about my current 'position'... To back track and say it didn't get off the ground isn't ideal. I know I made a mess of it but how could I say I'd been sitting on my backside for months.Seriously, all you've got to do is think up something plausible (we don't know, based on the info you've given out), and say it never got off the ground.
The feedback I got from the woman was great, she said I appeared friendly, came across well, and positive haha! Thought about this thread and thought if only she knew.
But fact is- she was impressed, why does my CV matter so bloody much...
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff