Daughter ostracised at school
Discussion
Dear all
For months now our 14yr old daughter has asked us to stay out of it but when asked how is school her stories are heartbreaking.Its not outright bullying but constant psychological games and digs.The group she has attached herself to will make plans for the weekend, skating and a sleepover ensuring she can hear them but never invite her to join them.Pick fights with her for no reason but the icing on the cake came when they told her to leave the group because she was making them sad.We caught her sobbing in her bedroom last night because she said the one person in the group she thought was a true friend told her this was no longer true and further told her that her loyalties now lay with the group.Our daughter told us that she was able to cope with the others because she thought she had the friendship of this girl to support her.
She goes to an all girl school and is an only child so quite mature for her age.She does tend to attach herself to someone she feels is a friend and gives them everything rather than mixing with everyone which I think is adding to the problem although the behaviour of the group is not excusable.She tells us that everyone has joined a group and that she is alone.She tried to join another group but was told she was not welcome.
We have spoken with the school and they are trying to help but short of wrapping her up in cotton wool & going in and kicking the living daylights out of these spoilt uncaring and manipulative girls we dont quite know what to do for the best.
For months now our 14yr old daughter has asked us to stay out of it but when asked how is school her stories are heartbreaking.Its not outright bullying but constant psychological games and digs.The group she has attached herself to will make plans for the weekend, skating and a sleepover ensuring she can hear them but never invite her to join them.Pick fights with her for no reason but the icing on the cake came when they told her to leave the group because she was making them sad.We caught her sobbing in her bedroom last night because she said the one person in the group she thought was a true friend told her this was no longer true and further told her that her loyalties now lay with the group.Our daughter told us that she was able to cope with the others because she thought she had the friendship of this girl to support her.
She goes to an all girl school and is an only child so quite mature for her age.She does tend to attach herself to someone she feels is a friend and gives them everything rather than mixing with everyone which I think is adding to the problem although the behaviour of the group is not excusable.She tells us that everyone has joined a group and that she is alone.She tried to join another group but was told she was not welcome.
We have spoken with the school and they are trying to help but short of wrapping her up in cotton wool & going in and kicking the living daylights out of these spoilt uncaring and manipulative girls we dont quite know what to do for the best.
Firstly I want to say how amazed I am by the responses received it really humbled me so thankyou to one and all.
Going back to the comments regarding striking back one of the girls told my daughter she wanted to strangle her which horrified us but no proof so we told our daughter that if it is ever said again look them in the eye and tell them to go ahead.It did happen again and she did exactly as we advised and you wont be surprised to learn the girl did nothing in response.
So we have spoken with the school and they seem to be taking positive action by moving her classes and helping to introduce her to other groups of children they know to be friendly.We were told that at least two of the "mean girls" are well known and on the hotlist.They are going to speak with the girls but I have asked how they will do that,what is the process and how will they try to prevent further issues with these pupils.So the positive is there is a plan.
What makes me sad as another poster said this should be some of the best years.All she wants is a kind word and somebody she can swap makeup and clothing ideas with and all that other teenage girly stuff.
Going back to the comments regarding striking back one of the girls told my daughter she wanted to strangle her which horrified us but no proof so we told our daughter that if it is ever said again look them in the eye and tell them to go ahead.It did happen again and she did exactly as we advised and you wont be surprised to learn the girl did nothing in response.
So we have spoken with the school and they seem to be taking positive action by moving her classes and helping to introduce her to other groups of children they know to be friendly.We were told that at least two of the "mean girls" are well known and on the hotlist.They are going to speak with the girls but I have asked how they will do that,what is the process and how will they try to prevent further issues with these pupils.So the positive is there is a plan.
What makes me sad as another poster said this should be some of the best years.All she wants is a kind word and somebody she can swap makeup and clothing ideas with and all that other teenage girly stuff.
blueg33 said:
My daughter is 14 (15 next week) and goes to an all girls Grammar school. She has had similar issues and its very hard to deal with them. She has begged us to move schools (not easy due to our location and issues withsome girls at the nearest shool who she was with at primary school)
Things are getting better and we dealt with it like this:
1. encourage more outside interests and give her the opportunity met meet with friends from primary school etc as often as possible
2. encourage her to do some other in school activities eg sports clubs etc where she may get the chance to make some new friends (our daughter was too shy to do this)
3. give her support emotionally as much as you can (tricky with teenagers)
4. Get her to instigate some trips to town/cinema with a couple of her friends from school, the closer ones from her group, this will grow to include a couple more.
For a while it was really bad with my daughter and we had some counsellingd from a Charity called Teens in Crisis, they were really good. The school was pretty crap at helping.
(note, my daughter is not an only child, but is very shy)
Good luck
Thanks excellent advice and as mentioned by several posters we need to get her interested in school clubs our other activities outside of school.She is in the electric car club team in school and has been for a while but we are struggling to keep her interested we think just because she has lost interest in most things especially school related. Things are getting better and we dealt with it like this:
1. encourage more outside interests and give her the opportunity met meet with friends from primary school etc as often as possible
2. encourage her to do some other in school activities eg sports clubs etc where she may get the chance to make some new friends (our daughter was too shy to do this)
3. give her support emotionally as much as you can (tricky with teenagers)
4. Get her to instigate some trips to town/cinema with a couple of her friends from school, the closer ones from her group, this will grow to include a couple more.
For a while it was really bad with my daughter and we had some counsellingd from a Charity called Teens in Crisis, they were really good. The school was pretty crap at helping.
(note, my daughter is not an only child, but is very shy)
Good luck
NormalWisdom said:
Having seen this happen to my daughter about 7 years ago (the subsequent fallout would make for a rather large novel) I can sympathise. Girls at that age can be extremely nasty and manipulative, I was absolutely horrified at the depths to which they would stoop to effect their emotional bullying.
You as a parent need to be on the doorstep of the school every day pressurising them to deal with it (it is their responsibility), teachers have a duty of care but, unfortunately, schools do not like being tarnished with the "bullying brush", doesn't help with getting the intake numbers up - I didn't (work came first which in hindsight was a totally wrong call) and my daughter became "unsalvageable".
Thankyou Normal for taking the time to post a very honest & to me saddening post. You as a parent need to be on the doorstep of the school every day pressurising them to deal with it (it is their responsibility), teachers have a duty of care but, unfortunately, schools do not like being tarnished with the "bullying brush", doesn't help with getting the intake numbers up - I didn't (work came first which in hindsight was a totally wrong call) and my daughter became "unsalvageable".
She arrived home this evening and seemed ok but its early days.She had spent the day with some other girls and enjoyed her time with them.A couple of the mean girls have been spoken to and she told us they are trying to turn it round and say how upset they are by my daughters actions.We are grabbing this by the throat now and not letting go.
Once again thankyou for the wonderful and heartfelt responses it really helps and you are really special people.I know Ive had a couple of glasses of wine but I do mean it Hick !!
Right MASH is about to start on ch61 freeview so will check back later.
Once again thankyou for the wonderful and heartfelt responses it really helps and you are really special people.I know Ive had a couple of glasses of wine but I do mean it Hick !!
Right MASH is about to start on ch61 freeview so will check back later.
AndrewEH1 said:
Mobile Chicane said:
My experiences at school were very similar to Ali's only thank Heavens in those days it stopped at the school gate and didn't continue via Faceache, Twitter etc.
This is a good point.OP have you talked to your daughter about this? If these girls are sending threats online to your daughter they are definitely breaking the law.
Amazed at how this thread has encouraged people to write down their own personal and painful experiences.Thankyou all for that.
We are trying to build her self esteem and we are pleased to see the school are doing the same.She came home today and said her artwork had been placed on display in the foyer which is quite something when you consider how many kids there are in her school.She was clearly very pleased as she told us about it.Now she spent a lot of time on this artwork and it genuinely really is very good, I think she is quite talented but I also think the school have done this in a subtle bid to help raise her self esteem and if im right im impressed.
We are trying to build her self esteem and we are pleased to see the school are doing the same.She came home today and said her artwork had been placed on display in the foyer which is quite something when you consider how many kids there are in her school.She was clearly very pleased as she told us about it.Now she spent a lot of time on this artwork and it genuinely really is very good, I think she is quite talented but I also think the school have done this in a subtle bid to help raise her self esteem and if im right im impressed.
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